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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Another sensitive issue! |
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| Mehak |
| 07/13/03 at 01:56:16 |
| [slm] Sisters and Brothers in Islam, I have been pondering over this issue for quite a while and finally have the guts to come out and post this issue, after readind Sis Kathy's post, "Show me the papers". I am from Pakistan and 23 years old. For the past 3 years my parents have been trying to find a rishta for me. There was a brother I was interested in, but my parents had issue with his maslak and they basically told me that even though he is a good person MaashaAllah, his maslak is not good. So, i kept quiet and didnt like throw a fit or anything, Alhamdulillah. A couple months ago, they found a rishta but the guy didnt have green card. He is on work visa and his family wanted him to marry someone with a green card. Now i have applied for citizenship and I am waiting for my interview date. I told my parents not to tell this to that family yet, since I want someone to marry me because of me and not my status in US. Well, my dad didnt listen and told them about that. Naturally they were interested. Now I am not saying that everyone who doesnt have a green card is not worth trusting. But i just wanted my parents to listen to me, which they didnt. So i threw a fit. And my dad told me that since I am not pretty enough and i dont have college done yet(I am still finishing my undergraduate), there has to be some sort of attracting factor. I was extremely hurt sisters, since I am not drop dead gorgeous but I belive I am not plain ugly either, Alhamdulillah. So, instead of actually listening to my point, my mom thought I was trying to get out of the situation and making an excuse (which I am not). And she said no to that family. Now my question is how my sisters in US deal with these kinda issues??Has someone ever had this kinda problems with thier parents before they get married or is it just me being wierd??I am soo scared about my future, and my mom instead of actually listening to my point of view, just walks out or hangs up the phone on me. Now, my parents are wondeful people, may Allah always bless my life with thier presence, Ameen, but they are just not getting my point of view. They are not even asking me what I want in a husband or anything like that. I am vry frustrated and dont know to handle this issue. Any ideas, suggestions??? JazakAllahu khairan and [wlm]. |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/14/03 at 00:19:55 |
| [slm] Since no one answered you. I'll answer you sister. In Islam (not that I'm a scholar or anything) but you have say in who you want to marry and your parents have a right tocomply or not if they think they've found someone good for you, but in your case, I think they just want to find someone for you so you write, but still you have a right to say no. Now in my opinion, you marry when you want to marry, but choose your husband carefully, he shall be your life partner insha-Allah. Make sure his deen is good and everything should be fine from there. Marrying just because of your citizenship status is not a good idea. If your parents really want him for you then I suggest you 2 meet under the Islamic condition where you are accompanied by your mahram and see for yourself if you like him or not. It doesn't hurt. If you like him and helikes you then the status should no longer matter. Pray Istikhara too and ask Allah for guidance. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| yumna |
| 07/14/03 at 06:25:24 |
| [slm]yup i agree with u sista! [wlm] :-) |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/14/03 at 08:09:46 |
| [slm] Sorry I didn't see this post....but I know lots of people who have been in a similar situation. To be quite honest, it really peeves me (I'm trying to be polite) when the first question people ask is "Oh beti! What is your citizenship." I'm not going to lie to the person, but I am definitely going to be reluctant to answer that question. Seriously, talk about bad manners. When and if this proposal goes further for you, I think you have the right and the responsibility to ask the brother some hard-lined questions. Be polite, so that your parents don't get upset with you, but make sure you understand his expectations of the marriage. Hey! maybe the guy might get scared (muahaha). As for someone not thinking you're pretty, and that being a determining point of issue for your marriage....that's even worse. I understand where your parents are coming from (actually I don't), but physical beauty is such a passing thing. I'll tell you a little secret that works absolute wonders. Make duaa (lots of it), and don't confide in anyone but Allah. Even when my parents have been dead-set about me accepting (or at least being open minded about some) rishtas I have just said "okay" and then waited. Alhumdulillah, my parents themselves have decided every time to fizzle things out. lol. And when I say make duaa...I mean down to the smallest detail. A friend of mine made duaa down to the hair type of the guy she wanted to marry. All I'm gonna say is MashaAllah. And don't get frustrated. It'll make you feel drained. Just let things go. Relax, smile, nod, and say "oh that's nice." Let me be illustrative: The brother wants a green card. Oh that's nice. The brother has no personality. Oh that's nice. The brother has no sense of humor. Oh that's nice. The brother's mother is a neurotic psychopath. Oh that's nice. The brother has no job. Oh that's nice. The brother is a high school dropout. Oh that's nice. The brother has a strange penguin obsession. Oh that's nice. See? Works wonders. And I'm sure your parents know, they're just getting worried, because in Pakistan 23 is like the age when everyone's daughters' get married. But trust me, it's not an over-the-hill type age, and your parents know that, too. Also, a good way to make parents listen is to first listen to them. Ask them to explain their situation. If I blow up, I get nowhere. (btw...what is maslak?) May Allah bless you with a great spouse. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| superFOB |
| 07/14/03 at 09:38:37 |
| [slm] maslak is similar to madhab but may sometimes be used more narrowly. For example, in desi communities, maslaks are deobandi, barelwi, and salafi. Another ugly term, imho. |
| 07/14/03 at 09:39:08 |
| superFOB |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| Barr |
| 07/14/03 at 10:09:35 |
| [slm] warahmatullah :-) I think sis JustOne has brought up some good ideas. Just wanna add soem 2 cents, on the quote below: [quote]And when I say make duaa...I mean down to the smallest detail. A friend of mine made duaa down to the hair type of the guy she wanted to marry. All I'm gonna say is MashaAllah.[/quote] I think its better that we be clear on what really matters in a spouse. I'm not sure if asking for specific details on "worldly" things such as the type of hair that he has, his height, his beard colour, his FOBiness (or lack of it ;)) etc would be something that we should insist when making a du'a. One of the things that I've learnt in the past retreat, is that one of the ways to achieve a tranquil heart, is to empty our hearts of our own whims and fancies and fill it instead with the iradah (wants) of Allah. In that way, we would be in redha (be pleased) with whoever comes along that would be the best for our deen, in this dunya and the next. For sometimes, what we want may not be the best for us, whereas the best one for us would be the one who would bring us closer to Allah and help purify our heart - that he would be the one whom Allah would choose for us... eventhough he doesn't have great hair or an orange beard or a cool height. Its just that sometimes, if we are so insistent in our du'a on such things, Allah will give it to us. But instead of it being a blessing, it would be a punishment for us, and draw us away from Him. I'm just relating what I have learnt... and one of the best way to make du'a is by asking Allah to grant us a spouse (incl. woteva good and virtous character) whom Allah is pleased with for a marriage that will draw the couple and their family closer to Allah, in this dunya and akhirah (or any other du'a that is similar) . Just relate everything back to Allah. Wassalam :-) |
| Re: Another sensitive issue! |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/14/03 at 13:02:01 |
| [slm] Sorry ... I was just saying that you should only ask Allah for help. I think it's a Hadith of the Prophet saw...that even if you have to ask for a shoelace, you should ask for it from Allah. The particular sister that I mentioned is married to the Imam's son, who mashaAllah is very, very pious. The point I was making is that she asked for everything DOWN to his hair type, not limited to this feature, if you get what I'm saying. But you're very right, sis Barr. We need to make sure we ask for the right things, and my grandmother always says to add with every duaa "if this be best for me." Wasalaam. |
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