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Definition of a Good Husband .....

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Definition of a Good Husband .....
faisalsb
07/13/03 at 06:31:55
[slm]

Few years back I used to live with a Filipino family. They were totally five family members wife, husband and three kids. The wife was a businesswoman, the husband was a househusband and kids were studying in school.

The thing what I want to mention over here is a character of the husband. Most of the time I used to see him in the kitchen early in the morning while he was making break fast or doing laundry for his family. I used to avoid encounter him while he was busy in HIS work since he used to feel embarrassed. But sometimes it was impossible to avoid it so whenever he saw me he used to pass a meaningfull smile and say something like "It's my work to do all that". Once he finished making breakfast and laundry for his family. He would wake up his wife and kids and they would have breakfast togather. After that he would drop the kids and wife to their destination and come back. First of all he would clean the plates and flat before he go ahead to make lunch. Once the lunch is ready he would run to pickup his kids and wife to avoid trafic jam. They would have lunch togather. After that wife and kids would have some rest and he would clean the plates after lunch. He would remain busy like that till evening.

He had many other skills also like he was very good carpenter, electrician and mechanic. (Before I was moving he helped me to unassemble my cabinet)

On the other hand whenever I encountered my land lady I saw her browsing Internet, sending e-mails and other computer related activities. She often used to ask me for help when she had problem with her computer.

When I saw the activities and daily routine of her husband I asked her "Eva! How much do you pay your husband for his services?" She replied, "What ever he works for it goes to family"

I was just wondering if that's the defination of a good or perfect husband? Or if those are the qualities what most of the unmarried sisters on the board are looking for in their future husbands? (Without any reference to sister Jannah .........:))
07/14/03 at 02:43:10
jannah
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
yumna
07/13/03 at 07:37:05
[slm]
poor guy !  :oi feel so sorry for him  :(no im a traditional type back ward girl an i dont think this wife is treating her husband well ...unless he choses this profession!
[wlm] :-)
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
Maliha
07/13/03 at 08:10:21
[slm]
aint nothing wrong with it man :P sounds like a dream hubby to *some* girls...if the lady is willing to go out and work, and there is mutual agreement and she is not forced and he is not forced and they are happy and their children are happy and they get along fine and there is no resentment for eachother, and they love each other..and..and..

what's the problem???

me..i like staying home while hubby deals with the traffic, work, and bustle of daily life  ;)

sis loveBeingAHouseWife,
Maliha :-)
[wlm]
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
yumna
07/13/03 at 09:55:32
[quote][/he was busy in HIS work since he used to feel embarrassed. ]
but sis maliha from this it doesnt seem like he is happy or proud of wat he is doin :(
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
Sunnah
07/13/03 at 13:19:52
[slm]

Good husband shouldn't always be define from how much house work he does...

in my opinion, both, husand and wife should always be aware of each other and help out.

good hubby is someone who is religous, understanding, and most of all give his wife space...

to have space of your own is very important. i think girls like to have some time to themselves that they could do something special with their friends or family members...

good husband is also conscious of his wife's emotion...women go through mood swing, and its nice to have hubby who acknowledges that.  

one more thing, a good husband is like someone who could be ur best friend...you can talk to him on and on...and he will listen...

inshaallah my future hubby will have those qualities...

take care everybody

[wlm]
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
Nomi
07/13/03 at 16:57:23
[slm]

Bro Faisal sir, i like your style and me kinda knows that where you are coming from  8)

saving my comments for now
Asim Zafar.
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/14/03 at 00:13:46
[slm]

One of the signs of the nearing of the end of the world is when a husband and his wife switches their roles.

It's all good if you like that kind of stuff.  I prefer 50/50. or he be the man and I be the woman.

Ma-asalaama....  


Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
se7en
07/14/03 at 00:29:35
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

I think there is nobility in putting the needs of your family before your self or your ego; and I think this is done by both men and women, those working outside the home and those staying home, and that that is what makes someone a good husband or wife.  It takes a *tremendous* amount of patience and sacrifice to maintain a comfortable and eman-conducive home, with a screaming baby at your arm all hours of the day and night; or to bring home some earnings with which to provide for your family after working in the high-pressure rat race all day.

I think often times we underestimate each other and overlook each others efforts, and should just look to what we have and what our spouse contributes with an eye of thankfulness.

w'Allahu a'lam.

wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah :)

ps -- I don't think the man should feel humiliated doing things around the house for his family, when this was the sunnah of Rasulullah [saw].  I'm sure he [saw] felt there was nothing humiliating about mending his own shoes, sweeping the floor, etc. and the many other things he did to serve his family.
07/14/03 at 00:47:34
se7en
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
jannah
07/14/03 at 02:42:46
[wlm]

[quote]Or if those are the qualities what most of the unmarried sisters on the board are looking for in their future husbands? (Without any reference to sister Jannah .........)[/quote]

the perfect husband?  kind, generous, loving, sweet, strong, caring, humorous & spiritual

if he has those qualities.. wouldn't he help out around the house & not expect that it's 'her job', wouldn't he care for her well-being, wouldn't he always encourage her in her interests and deen

BTW why is it encouraged for women to serve the household in all mundane aspects and looked down upon when men do it? If it's such an important aspect of married life and a lithmus test of how much a wife loves the husband (according to some!), why doesn't it show the same thing or have the same meaning when the husband does it???
07/14/03 at 02:44:11
jannah
Re: Defination of a Good Husband .....
Dawn
07/14/03 at 05:27:46
[slm]
[quote author=jannah link=board=sis;num=1058088715;start=0#9 date=07/14/03 at 02:42:46]BTW why is it encouraged for women to serve the household in all mundane aspects and looked down upon when men do it? If it's such an important aspect of married life and a lithmus test of how much a wife loves the husband (according to some!), why doesn't it show the same thing or have the same meaning when the husband does it???
[/quote]

I'll triple ditto that one!!!!   ??? ??? ???
07/14/03 at 05:28:32
Dawn
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
theOriginal
07/14/03 at 06:05:03
[slm]

Nahhh...if one of us had to give up our career, I'd prefer it to be myself.  (Don't trust other people to clean my living space...heh.)  

I don't know if I'd consider a pushover to be a quality of a perfect husband...or a perfect anybody, for that matter.  If the brother in question was doing this out of his own choice, then mo' powuh to him!  But otherwise, dude! pick yourself up.  

Now, having said that...in Toronto, I had Italian neighbors (wonderful people...I swear they're muslim, they just don't know it yet).  The wife works, and the husband stays at home.  And it really works for them.  He is the most meticulously clean individual I have ever met...and he makes a mean pasta.  And just like any other domestic engineer (homemaker ;) ), he keeps himself busy by doing some other stuff on the side...

Wasalaam.
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
BrKhalid
07/14/03 at 06:19:10
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

[quote]the perfect husband?  kind, generous, loving, sweet, strong, caring, humorous & spiritual

if he has those qualities.. wouldn't he help out around the house & not expect that it's 'her job', wouldn't he care for her well-being, wouldn't he always encourage her in her interests and deen.[/quote]


I would add knowledgeable to that list, because only when a husband knows what rights his wife has over him will he be able to discharge his duties effectively.

More generally though it’s hard to define a “good” husband because people may vary as to what “good” actually is.

Spouses are referred to as each other’s garments in the Qur’an. To me this reinforces the fact that one size doesn’t fit all and what works for some may not work for others.


Moral: Make sure you know what size you are ;-)
07/14/03 at 06:19:40
BrKhalid
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Nomi
07/14/03 at 07:10:17
[slm]

[quote author=BrKhalid link=board=sis;num=1058088715;start=0#12 date=07/14/03 at 06:19:10]
Spouses are referred to as each other’s garments in the Qur’an. To me this reinforces the fact that one size doesn’t fit all and what works for some may not work for others.

Moral: Make sure you know what size you are ;-)
[/quote]


MashAllah, what depth, what wisdom. Now you are in the top three of my list ;)

and you know you should feel obliged for that :P
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
jannah
07/14/03 at 10:07:02
wlm,

[quote] I would add knowledgeable to that list, because only when a husband knows what rights his wife has over him will he be able to discharge his duties effectively. [/quote]

good point, deen and what kind of deen is a whole nother post/thread ;)
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
faisalsb
07/15/03 at 00:58:24
[slm]

Well according to the posts of sisters on the board, it is almost clear that most of the sisters not only find it OK to use the husband as I mentioned in my earlier post but also like and love to have such a husband with few exceptions. (Since one or two sisters clearly disagreed with the concept)

The reason why I started this thread is if not finding such a husband might be one of the reasons for the sisters to remain unmarried apart from the reasons what are posted in "Show me Papers" and "Unbelievable Proposals!" ? (Just a thought ...........???)
07/15/03 at 00:59:17
faisalsb
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
jannah
07/15/03 at 01:07:39
[wlm]

So you're saying that girls who are not married want a husband that will cook and clean for them?  And since they can't find one are unmarried!?!

First you're making alot of assumptions about a lot of sisters.  Second, you just can't win this argument both ways. If certain brothers think it is the role of a woman and look for a wife that will fulfill that role, they are not condemned, so why do you condemn women who might do the same thing??


Second if you go back to your own history and your own claims to Islam, you will see the example of the prophet [saw] and how he himself used to serve his wives, mend his own clothes and never *expected* that his wives cook & clean etc.  In fact this is a fiqhi opinion.

So if a brother finds it demeaning to do those things in his home, that's his problem.  (same for a sister) And why should any sister marry such a person? Who's using whom here?

07/15/03 at 03:53:43
jannah
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
siddiqui
07/15/03 at 01:07:42
[slm]
[quote]The reason why I started this thread is if not finding such a husband might be one of the reasons for the sisters to remain unmarried [/quote]

I think that was below the belt Br

One can get married only when Allah swt has wriitten in their Qadar

[wlm]
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Lil_Sista
07/15/03 at 01:30:25
[slm]

ohh what a sensitive issue!!!
im with u Trustworthy,i prefer 50/50 too.both husband'n wife should know their rights'n duties.there are heaps of hadiths telling us about this matter.
well i do understand the man wants to be a good or even perfect husband by doing all the stuff.even though he goes"it's my work to do all that" but it seems that the wife doesnt know her duties well  :( i suppose it's not a healthy marriage  ???

wallahu'alam bi showab...........it's only my humble opinion.im just a lil sista :-)
peace out!

Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
UmmZaid
07/15/03 at 02:32:49
[slm]

Gotta agree with the person who said you get married when Allah writes it for you... it's not for us to speculate as to why a sister on this board might still be single, any more than it is for us to speculate as to why any brother here might be single.

One thing... so many Islamic lectures, articles, books, etc. talk about how wonderful and noble it is for a Muslim woman to take care of the home. As far as I'm concerned, the sign that a man really believes this stuff (esp. the men who write these articles, books, etc.) is if they do it in their own house.  It seems like a great many Muslim men feel that washing the dishes or folding the laundry is somehow beneath them.  Like it's "noble" or rather, good enough, for a woman, but not for them.  And I know, I know, a Muslim husband is often working 8, 10, 12 hours a day...

But the Muslim wife is often working 12, 14, 16 hours a day, esp if there are kids involved.  I know it is a difficult thing to go out in the world and deal with all the junk that gets shoved in your face day in and day out but it ain't no picnic chasing kids around, cooking meals, and cleaning and doing laundry all day EVERY day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year either.  

Who's the perfect husband? Like the brother said, it isn't one size fits all (except the Prophet, sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam, who was the best to his wives).  For some sisters, it might be the "house husband," for others, a traditional set up, for others 50-50... but in all of those, I suspect respect, dignity, humor, faith, honesty, trust all play key roles in making him the perfect husband in her eyes.
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
se7en
07/15/03 at 02:41:47
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

[quote]Well according to the posts of sisters on the board, it is almost clear that most of the sisters not only find it OK to use the husband as I mentioned in my earlier post but also like and love to have such a husband with few exceptions.[/quote]

I think what most women find nice about the example you gave is the husband's capacity for self-sacrifice, and his willingness to take care of and serve his family even at the expense of his own ego.  It's not that we like that he stays at home, or does laundry while his wife is being lazy, etc but that he is *giving of himself* and putting the needs of his family before his own.

Who would *not* want to marry someone who has these qualities?  Doesn't every woman want to marry a man who is easy and forgiving in demanding his rights, but hard on himself in fulfilling *her* rights?  And goes even further in his generosity, by doing more than what may be required of him?

We talk so much about how men are the protectors and maintainers of women...but brothers if you love this position then *honor* it by giving of yourself to those under your care.  A person who protects others shows kindness and consideration for them.  A person who maintains others shows generosity and munificence.  This is the best type of protector and maintainer, and these are the qualities that forge a man into a good husband.

I'd agree that perhaps the reason some sisters are not married is because they are looking for a man with these qualities.  But is it wrong for a sister to want and look for these things in a husband? I certainly don't think it is, any more than a man looking for a soft hearted, generous and Allah-conscious wife.

Allahu a'lam.

wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah
07/15/03 at 02:54:54
se7en
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
jaihoon
07/15/03 at 06:17:41
[quote author=se7en link=board=sis;num=1058088715;start=15#19 date=07/15/03 at 02:41:47]as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,


I think what most women find nice about the example you gave is the husband's capacity for self-sacrifice, and his willingness to take care of and serve his family even at the expense of his own ego.  It's not that we like that he stays at home, or does laundry while his wife is being lazy, etc but that he is *giving of himself* and putting the needs of his family before his own.

Who would *not* want to marry someone who has these qualities?  Doesn't every woman want to marry a man who is easy and forgiving in demanding his rights, but hard on himself in fulfilling *her* rights?  And goes even further in his generosity, by doing more than what may be required of him?

We talk so much about how men are the protectors and maintainers of women...but brothers if you love this position then *honor* it by giving of yourself to those under your care.  A person who protects others shows kindness and consideration for them.  A person who maintains others shows generosity and munificence.  This is the best type of protector and maintainer, and these are the qualities that forge a man into a good husband.

I'd agree that perhaps the reason some sisters are not married is because they are looking for a man with these qualities.  But is it wrong for a sister to want and look for these things in a husband? I certainly don't think it is, any more than a man looking for a soft hearted, generous and Allah-conscious wife.

Allahu a'lam.

wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah[/quote]

Everyone have their own definitions for nobility, gentleness, love etc. But one thing I have noticed,  is that the LOGICAL arguments regarding marriage maybe one thing, but the EMOTIONAL reality is someting else.

07/15/03 at 06:32:24
jaihoon
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Nomi
07/15/03 at 12:22:03
[slm]

I've got just one concern here! All these marriage threads with somewhat heated arguments *may* cause the reader/us to set even a more strict criteria for selecting his/her better half. I think one should be flexible and willing to compromise on "just a few" parameters, things can always fall in place after marriage afterall humans do change! Not to say that one should have a very lenient criteria but just keep it a litle flexible.

Just a thought.
[slm]
Asim Zafar.
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
sofia
07/15/03 at 13:05:53
As-salaamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah, brother

So is the logic here, that if a sister isn't married yet (particularly if she lives in the west, I presume), she must be waiting for a brother who wants to be a "house-husband"? Is this a common belief amongst the brothers (particularly, those raised overseas)?

I'm glad you brought this up, since I can't begin to explain how off the mark that is. I know of more sisters (many with graduate/MD degrees) who would rather work in the home than out. And these are sisters who were raised in the west; converts and born-Muslims. Go figure.

Not to say that there aren't some sisters who may want to help supplement the household income if there aren't kids in the picture yet (which is completely different than wanting to be the main breadwinner), but I know of absolutely no sister who would find it ideal to work outside of the home, while her husband works inside of the home (there are exceptions to almost everything). Would she want her husband to appreciate her role in the home (which is in fact, her jihaad) and help her? Heck yes. Just as a woman should want to support and help her husband. But again, that's a completely different thread, but I hope you don't miss this point.
07/15/03 at 13:09:14
sofia
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/15/03 at 13:55:30
[slm]

Yikes!!!!  

All opinions count lil_sista.

Now, with things said there are good points that we all should know which has been mentioned with the bro about the spouses being each others garment and only Allah knows.

Now for the brother who makes this claim about sisters not being married because they are too picky, well, let me ask you if you'd rather have a wife..... who is unclean, needs nagging to pray, won't wear hijab and flirts with other men.  Can't cook and doesn't want to have children b/c they're a nuisance?

Yeap, I knew it.  You gotta be picky.  I don't want to be the mother, the father, the wife, and the husband.  Being a mother is 24/7 day job...no rest.  And the wife is the same if you know my husband.  Plus I work at a busy job 5 days a week, full time and persuing my lifetime dream of becoming a Pediatrician.  That's why I prefer the 50/50.  But in my case it's like 80/20.  Atleast it's something and I can't complain.

Once in a while he'll surprise with a hot meal and clean home.  I've caught him a few times doing laundry but not folding (ok w/me) and my older daughter is reading the Qur'an with him while the younger one is alseep.  You never forget those days when your husband is that wonderful.  You cherish him more.  He knows I work to help out with the bills and he would never stop me from doing something I want to do or persue my dreams.  He supports me and I support him.  He knows I know my limits and my duties and he trusts me 100%.  I the same.

No worries though, he's the man of the house.  And I never let him feel otherwise.  

The sisters need to make du'a for a good husband.  One size doesn't fit all and sometimes, when you think it fits, it doesn't so you need to return the garment for another one.

Ma-aslaama.....
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/15/03 at 13:58:36
[slm]

Oh btw....the bad proposals are pointers for the unmarried bros.  It's a great thread.  Comedy, horror, and romance (not yet).

Ma-aslaama......
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Nomi
07/15/03 at 14:14:11
[quote author=Trustworthy link=board=sis;num=1058088715;start=15#23 date=07/15/03 at 13:55:30]  One size doesn't fit all and sometimes, when you think it fits, it doesn't so you need to return the garment for another one.
[/quote]

Simple as that !!!!!!!!! "words, words"... meanings........
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
faisalsb
07/16/03 at 01:43:13
[slm]

Well first of all I'll like to thank Sister Jannah that I am still surviving on the board because when I read her last post (although she changed that post latter on ..........:)) I thought I had jeopardized my membership on the board. I think it was my fault since I did mention her name in my original post. But that was more like a kidding or teasing instead of any personal attack on anyone's personality or character.

Secondly I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feeling or down anyone or win argument but from the posts I can see my words were taken too far seriously than I expected. So I take responsibility of my words and appologize to all those members who are hurt due to my words. But please make sure it was neigther my intention nor reason behind this thread.

The thing which motivated me to initiate this thread was TOO MANY post over here with the conclusion "MEN ARE BAD" and they are responsible for all the problems what women are facing. I tried to through some light on other side of the picture. In some cases isn't it possible that we ourselves might be responsible for our problems? Instead of blamming others?

[quote]First you're making alot of assumptions about a lot of sisters.  Second, you just can't win this argument both ways. If certain brothers think it is the role of a woman and look for a wife that will fulfill that role, they are not condemned, so why do you condemn women who might do the same thing??[/quote]

Sister I didn't make any assumption about anyone I commented on the posts which were posted here. Who didn't post I am not talking about them. Neither I am saying either it's WRONG or RIGHT nor condemning anyone for having such expectations from their husbands, but do those women who expect such a husband and can't find, have right to blame men for being them unmarried and other problems they go through? (THAT'S WHAT MY POINT IS NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS)

[quote]Second if you go back to your own history and your own claims to Islam, you will see the example of the prophet  and how he himself used to serve his wives, mend his own clothes and never *expected* that his wives cook & clean etc.  In fact this is a fiqhi opinion. [/quote]

Sister I didn't understand what did you mean by "MY HISTORY" and "MY CLAIMS" but I think you are talking about my posts on the board. If that's the case then I feel flattered that someone is reading my posts that carefully and remember them even ........:)

Well as I said earlier I am not commenting on either it's right or wrong that's why I didn't mention even a single reference to Quran and Sunnah in this whole thread. The example what I gave is also about a non muslim family and if we want to decide between RIGHT and WRONG then certianly example of non muslims is not a good example to follow.

[quote]I'd agree that perhaps the reason some sisters are not married is because they are looking for a man with these qualities.  But is it wrong for a sister to want and look for these things in a husband?[/quote]

Sister Se7en I really appreciate your post I think you got me right. I never said it's WRONG. Simple answer of your question is "I don't know yet". I think it's entirely a different thread either it's wrong or right, if right then upto what extend and if wrong then upto what extend. I do intend to start this thread if I keep on surviving on the board ..........:)

[quote]Now for the brother who makes this claim about sisters not being married because they are too picky, well, let me ask you if you'd rather have a wife..... who is unclean, needs nagging to pray, won't wear hijab and flirts with other men.  Can't cook and doesn't want to have children b/c they're a nuisance?

Yeap, I knew it.  You gotta be picky.[/quote]

:) Good point sister and I appreciate your telepathy abilities ........;) Well I am picky no doubt about that but at the same time I don't blame others for my actions. I am having problems due to my picky nature and I take responsiblity of that instead of blamming others.

[quote]So is the logic here, that if a sister isn't married yet (particularly if she lives in the west, I presume), she must be waiting for a brother who wants to be a "house-husband"? Is this a common belief amongst the brothers (particularly, those raised overseas)?

I'm glad you brought this up, since I can't begin to explain how off the mark that is. I know of more sisters (many with graduate/MD degrees) who would rather work in the home than out. And these are sisters who were raised in the west; converts and born-Muslims. Go figure. [/quote]

Well sister Sofia I am not generalizing the idea I just commented on the posts on this board, it might be small segment of women who want this or there might be more than few individuals and I am not interested in gathering more statistics instead already got enough firing due to that and not interested in having more of it ...........:)
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Nomi
07/16/03 at 07:43:53
[slm]

bro Faisal wrote
[quote]
I think you are talking about my posts on the board. If that's the case then I feel flattered that someone is reading my posts that carefully and remember them even ........
[/quote]

sis jannah wrote
[quote]
Second if you go back to your own history and your own claims to Islam
[/quote]

eeks... i think she was referring to the history of "Muslims" (your = Muslim)... and the example of the Last Prophet [saw]


and then it was me with my 2.287 paesas

[quote author=Nomi link=board=sis;num=1058088715;start=15#21 date=07/15/03 at 12:22:03][slm]
I've got just one concern here! All these marriage threads with somewhat heated arguments *may* cause the reader/us to set even a more strict criteria for selecting his/her better half. I think one should be flexible and willing to compromise on "just a few" parameters, things can always fall in place after marriage afterall humans do change! Jot to say that one should have a very lenient criteria but just keep it a litle flexible.
[/quote]


Peace out, peace out. Don't you guys have Air Conditioners in your rooms ;)
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
yumna
07/16/03 at 13:13:39
[slm]yaa plzz peace out 8) this discussion did talk anasty turn didnt it?? soo im young i didnt participate in it but did read it!! i cant understand whom to agree with ever1s opinions r pretty good really i agree with alll  [wlm]
ps ;good topic had a good start ;)but ......middle got twisted  a lil but i guess it happenes in every islamic discussion ...... :-*
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/16/03 at 14:42:18
[slm]

No worries bro Faisal.  It's all good.  We're debating here.  It's healthy to have different opinions.  I hope you didn't think you were getting attacked at.  Like I said, all opinions count.

And so the debate continues....

"but do those women who expect such a husband and can't find, have right to blame men for being them unmarried and other problems they go through? (THAT'S WHAT MY POINT IS NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS)"

That's an assumption dear bro.  You're saying that those who are unmarried are due to b/c they want a husband as such and blame men for not being that way as to the affect of their unmarried life.

I don't think all women or even the majority of women blame men for themselves being married.  I beleive it is us who blames ourselves for our own lives.  And it's Allah (SWT) that knows these matters.  It's not their time yet.

Me for instance, I made it clear to Mom and everyone as much as I accepted 2 proposals, that I was not going to marry until 26 after I've accomplished my dreams.  I made it so clear that lectures were given to me til my ears bleed about me being an Old maiden by the time I want to be married.  But Allah decreed that I marry at 18.

I was also picky and was clear on what I wanted in a man.  Atleast 5 yrs older, no more.  College graduate, house and career already set.  Good Muslim knows his deen.  Knows Arabic well so he can teach me, well mannered, well dressed, supports me 100% and good looking wouldn't hurt but no big deal.

This is what I got.  Some good looking man who is 8 yrs older then me, college drop out so he could go to Egypt to study Islam and dropped out of that after a yr and half so he can get married to me even though I disapproved but it was his choice.  Learned arabic, but can't teach me.  Well mannered, well dressed w/my help of course, knows his deen and supports me 100%.  However, he was no graduate, lived with parents and had no career goals.

But Al-hamdulillah, I'm not complaining.  I didn't blame anyone though Mom sometimes blames herself for introducing me to him when we argue, but he's good for me.  I don't blame other men for not coming my way at the right time and I don't blame him for not being who I want him to be.  I don't blame myself either b/c the choice was mine.  Actually, I do blame myself, but that's something else.

Point is, no one blames anyone for something they don't or can't have.  It's Allah (SWT) who provides.

Ma-asalaama.....
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
jannah
07/16/03 at 18:15:38
[wlm]

Bro faisal,

I read over your post 3 times and I still cannot fathom what or who you are talking about.  Do you happen to know all the single sisters on the board? Do you know them and what they want? Do you know their history? Did you even read the dozens of threads on what sister's are looking for? Honestly, I should have kept my original post the way it was, because who exactly are you speaking about and what are you assuming.

Anyways it's clear that you believe some women have high/wrong/non-traditional expectations and because of this can't get married so they should blame themselves and stop complaining. This is an opinion alot of people have. I think it's prejudiced and bigoted and am amazed that people seem to generalize and declare to know so much about unmarried sisters.

I know you think you have a point but it's really not helping anyone is it... It's like me posting thread after thread about men beating their wives... won't the bros get irritated...or I could be like you and say " I'm not talking about them I'm just trying to make a point..."

So when people are looking for a spouse it's a good idea to go back to what Islam says on the issue of looking for a spouse and the example that the prophet [saw] gave as a "husband" and a "spouse".  Also, what is required as a husband and what is required as a wife.  So if a sister has this "high" expectation, what's it to you or anyone else to talk about?

Back to your original story... assuming both the husband and wife are quite happy with it, what exactly is wrong with that Islamically besides it being a "non-traditional" arrangement?
07/16/03 at 18:32:26
jannah
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
theOriginal
07/16/03 at 18:45:54
[slm]

baal
ki
khaal
uttar
rahi
hai

....Let's not generalize about either gender, especially from that one situation (which seems to be working for the couple anyway)...it's really, really sad.

I still don't think that any sister would think that "good husband" = "slave" ..the percentage of women who do is near 0, yeh?  

Wasalaam.
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/16/03 at 18:52:05
[slm]

It might be my fault he thought that way even though I'm married.  He might've got it from this.....

[quote author=Trustworthy link=board=bro;num=1058179240;start=0#1 date=07/14/03 at 16:55:08] [slm]

If only there was a brother like that for all the sisters.  None of us would stray.

Before all you bros want to throw punches my way, I didn't mean it that it's your fault, us sisters stray.  I know it's society, but I was saying if there were more brothers like the ones in the poem, then we wouldn't have to.

Wait....I'm still not saying that right.  You know what I mean right?

Ahh...you brothers guide us to the right path so that we won't stray....aughh...I give up.

Ma-asalaama....[/quote]

Please say it wasn't b/c of that b/c it was not what I meant to imply if that's how you read it bro.

It meant that we, sisters, want a good Muslim husband.  Is that hard to ask for?  It's what you all should be anyways and vice versa.

However, a good husband does not include servant/slave.  That's not part of your duties to be our servant just be our........GARMENT.

Ma-asalaama......
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
brother
07/16/03 at 21:12:13
[quote]The reason why I started this thread is if not finding such a husband might be one of the reasons for the sisters to remain unmarried apart from the reasons what are posted in "Show me Papers" and "Unbelievable Proposals!" ? (Just a thought ...........) [/quote]

salamz

Seems like this thread was inspired by "Show me Papers" and Unbelievable Proposals!"
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
lucid9
07/17/03 at 07:13:56
[slm]

Finally a hijabi stands up for something.

07/17/03 at 07:27:10
lucid9
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Trustworthy
07/17/03 at 13:02:06
[slm]

That's just it though.  How could he possibly get that we blame the men for us being unmarried from those two threads?  Show me the Papers is a thread about brothers taking advantage of the sister's status in the US to just marry her and then leave her once he gets in.  He can't disagree with a sister being cautious about that, did he?  And the bad propasals are still pointers for the bros.

I mean it's common sense to do it right if you want the sister instead of being all those in that thread.  Nothing in both those threads implied that we reject men b/c they don't help around the house.  Marraige hasn't even started yet in those threads.

I don't know.  Hmmm...I wonder, is Bro Fasial married?

Ma-asalaama....
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
brother
07/18/03 at 17:58:07
Assalamu 'alaykum I agree with u sister

I think there are thread like "show me papers" and the proposals thread. at the same time there are threads like "families of single girls, really concerned or?" that reflect sisters hardship in getting married.
I guess what the brother is doing is putting those two voices in the same boat.

How true is that or how right/wrong the brother is in doing that. I don't think a sister who is having a hard time in getting married would blame brothers for it, atleast I haven't come across any. May be the brother can give us some examples of that.

and Yes a sister has every right to choose a mate of her own liking, if she can't find one, should she blame anyone else? I'd say No.

Assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
faisalsb
07/19/03 at 01:12:05
[slm]

Well I think I have already said what I wanted to say and I have nothing more to add since I don't think it's going to help me to explain my point of view better. Just want to clear something whatever I said is my personal opinion and assessment which can very well be wrong or it might be right also. So I think it's the about time to move to some other topic now.

[quote]I don't know.  Hmmm...I wonder, is Bro Fasial married?[/quote]

Well I am divorced. Just to clear something the reason behind our broken marriage was not that my wife expected me to work like a servant for her. She was the one who was doing most of the home work since she was not working. I mean there is no relation between my marital status and the issue what we are talking about.
Re: Definition of a Good Husband .....
Fozia
07/19/03 at 07:09:46
[slm]

A few weeks back I was having a rant about someone being treated like an unpaid domestic . I ended my rant by saying something like 'Besides there's nothing in Islam which stipulates a woman should do all the housework'. My husband subsequently keeled over laughing at that. Not a good thing when one is getting madder and madder.... >:( >:( >:(...
Anyways when I enquired politely as to what my darling found so funny he replied 'I know household drudgery isn't your islamic duty.... I just didn't think you knew' to which I was  >:( :o ???
Either way hubby has never considered it beneath him to put the Dyson to use and I cook...(if you ever tasted his cooking you'd realise the wisdom of this set up).
People should realise that just because our parents, relatives, the neighbours behave in a specific manner it will not neccessarily work for them. Bro's should also realise that women back home have it way easier as they have servants. My husband was aghast at the amount of housework one has to do, he even tried to covince me to get domestic help.... ::)
Somewhere there's a happy medium, look at it like this, if a bro thinks the laundry fairy washes and irons his shirts, why would a Sr think any differently??


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