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| Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| bismilla |
| 07/22/03 at 11:44:12 |
| [slm] any tips on how one would go about doing this please? Have any of you had the privilage of explaining the "growing up" process to your daughetrs, if so, please share some insightful information with a mother of a nine year old. Is nine too early to be explaining menstruation to your child? **help** squeak! :'( my baby is growing up so fast *sniff [slm] |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| humble_muslim |
| 07/23/03 at 00:26:51 |
| AA My daughter's just turned 10, and I'm trying to get my wife to have "the talk" with her. My biggest concern is that she's now getting into books like "The Baby Sitters Club", which contains stuff about b/f's and g/f's. I want to try to get her to understand the Islamic viewpoint about love and marriage without scaring her. So please let me know too if anyone has ideas. |
| NS |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| panjul |
| 07/23/03 at 00:52:18 |
| [slm] No one had "the talk" with me when i was young, becaue i spent the first 10 years of my life back home. But even there now things have changed. when i was in pakistan this past summer, my aunt requested me to have a "talk" with my little cousin since she felt uncomfortable and was too emotional. (she would say her daughter's growing up and have tears in her eyes... ??? well of course she's going to grow up!) anyway, i had the "talk" with one of my younger sisters. I told her about menstruating. actually, she learned in her science class about it but felt shy to ask her teacher the questions that she had, so she came home and asked me. This is how I approached it: Sweetie you know that girls and boys are different, and that's a beautiful thing that Allah has created two different types of humans. And Allah has given girls and boys different body parts. when girls grow up, they menstruate, and when guys grow up their voiced start to get heavy. One day, because of these changes, girls and boys will become women and men. And sometimes the changes can be uncomfortable, but it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about, and if you have any questions, you should always ask your family. and then i answered any questions she had. I dont know, is that helpful??? I did not go into too much detail because i did not want to dump everything on her all at once. and now whenever she has a new questions or thought pop into her head, she comes and asks me. |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| muslimah853 |
| 07/23/03 at 09:50:32 |
| [slm] I have a 10 year old girl...know the feeling. Anyway, we've had "the talk" at least a couple of years ago now. It's really been ongoing...from before the main talk up until now. I guess for me growing up, I've always appreciated the fact that my mother and older sisters had frank (clean) discussions with me about what would happen to my body. It never seemed like something dirty or mysterious. I also remember very vividly some of my peers who weren't so fortunate, one poor girl had her first period at my house and she was so panicked and uninformed about things, subhanallah. She had absolutely no idea that she wasn't going to bleed to death or something. And she grew up with a mother and six older sisters. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I'd much rather my daughters get their information from me than from the outside world. You might want to check your local library or bookstore for suitable books that explain what puberty is and some of the things that might happen to the girl. I've found a couple of good books that really helped to supplement our discussions, and she can read on her own time. I found one which even had blank pages for her to scribble questions, feelings, etc. BUT I strongly urge you to read every page of any potential books before giving them to your child. Some of them I found were too graphic for my tastes, I mean I want clear, frank explanations without being dirty about it, some go over the line, some have the obligatory "first crush" or "now you might notice the dreamy guy in your class" type nonsense that you'll want to avoid. But I did manage to find a few titles which were okay the whole way through. My suggestion is to try and remain as calm as possible, because if you're upset and nervous about it, you might make her upset and nervous too. Try to present it as something normal and natural, which of course it is. Maybe think about marking certain milestones with celebrations ( for instance when she starts to need to wear hijab full time throw her a party in honor of the occasion). And of course, lots of du'a. I'm sure you'll do fine :) |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| bhaloo |
| 07/23/03 at 09:51:34 |
| [slm] Dr. Shahid Athar has a book out called (its actually available online to read as well at the link below) SEX EDUCATION: AN ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE http://islam-usa.com/s1.html (I haven't read the book, but I've read his articles in the past and they've been good). |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/24/03 at 17:43:27 |
| [slm] :'( My baby's growing up too. She'll be 9 in November. I haven't had the talk with her yet. I'm waiting for the right moment. Anyone know when that is? Mom never had that talk with me either. I learned it all from Health class in Junior High. They showed a woman giving birth and i was like....GROSS!!!! They shouldn't show stuff like that. That's not appropriate. Scared me senseless so I read books about it instead. You should've see the look on the librarian's face when I brought all those books about ....stuff. Anyways, I don't want my daughter to do that. I want to tell her myself. Luckily she's not embarassed about asking me anything and she has asked me about things she's heard from other kids. Where do they come up with stuff like that? I never asked mom b/c I thought the books told me everything. However before my wedding day, we had the talk about...stuff. I just smiled at her. But yeah....any ideas. Totally new at this. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| panjul |
| 07/25/03 at 01:09:41 |
| [slm] Nine to ten years is good age to talk about "stuff." However, girls and boys (and espeically girls) should know about their bodies and how it's private at the age of 4 years. It is very important in today's world. I want to bring up the topic of sexual abuse in our society. By society, I mean not just our muslim society, or our pakistani society or our algerian society, but whatever society we are a part of. Sexual abuse is a reality in every culture, some acknowledge it more openly than others. Muslims, as is the case with so much of our societal ills, we turn a blind eye to such things, as if by ignoring it somehow, it will cease to exist. If you not know how to speak to a child about it in a proper way, ask your doctor to do it. Our family doctor explained "bad touch" from "good touch," and what a child should do, should he ever experience a "bad touch." The reason I have brought this up is because I have been reading a book about sexual abuse (incest abuse in the Untied States) for a Sociology class and the breakdown of the family. As a woman, I was shocked at some of the stuff in it. Did you know that the more stepfather a girl has in her lifetime, the higher are the chances of her being sexually abused by a step father figure. Uncles are the next likely person to abuse their neices, then grandfathers. Then extrafamilial sexual abuse (non-incestous abuse) is done by peers (friends, playmates) and teachers, and other authority figures. The least sexual abuse and incestuous abuse occurs among Jews. Also, women who have been incestously abused (as opposed to non-incesous sexual abuse), they are more than likely to end up in prostitution and pornography. I know this is a bit off topic, but please, talk to your children about sex so they can be aware that their bodies are private and that they should not feel scared of the abuser's threats. Cases like this (icestous and non-incestous abuse) does exist in Muslim socities too, I have read of many cases in the newspapers. So again, talk to your children about it. Many of the women in the study group said that the reason they did not report the abuse to their parent(s) was because their parents had never talked to them about sex and the abuser's threats scared them as children, and as the got older and realized the full impact of what happened, they were too ashamed to tell anyone. The cases that were reported to the parent(s) or another adult, those women's paretns had been open with them about sex and they knew that they could turn for help to them. So again, teaching your child about sex will inshallah not make them bad people, if you do it right and bring them up properly. |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Caraj |
| 07/25/03 at 01:10:36 |
| ahemmmmmmm Mommy's, I hate to break this to you but I started menstration at 10 y/o pleaseeeeeeeeeee start talking to those 9 year olds. Nine is not to early. Please explain it to her before someone else does (if she goes to public school) My teen age babysitter told me (female sitter) cause I asked her questions about her homework one night and it was on babies. Please do it so the poor thing doesn't freak and get all scared not knowing and all of a sudden starts and thinks she is hurt or ill. A suggestion, when you explain have maybe a book with the body and start by talking how wonderful Allah made us and about how the heart works and the brain works and how the digestive system works, and oh look theres the reproductive system. Explaining how it works. One other thing, I learned raising mine, make it simple and don't get to complicated. Answer their question, you don't need to volunteer a lot at first. Just make sure to explain why they will bleed so they don't get frightened out of their witts :o when the time comes. |
| 07/25/03 at 01:16:11 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| gift |
| 07/25/03 at 05:09:46 |
| [slm] [quote author=azizah link=board=sis;num=1058885053;start=0#7 date=07/25/03 at 01:10:36]ahemmmmmmm Mommy's, I hate to break this to you but I started menstration at 10 y/o pleaseeeeeeeeeee start talking to those 9 year olds. Nine is not to early.[/quote] The same was true for me, and my mom never spoke to me about this sort of stuff either. My older sister told me about menstruation, and sex when she'd learnt about it in biology (about 2 years before I did), and I was like eewwww that's gross...lol! :D It's lucky that she did because sex education in biology class is too 'technical', while in personal health and sex education class there's way too much emphasis on the whole bf/gf thing. It's important to strike a balance, a good book which I found useful for teenagers is 'For Heaven's Sake' by Ruqaiyah Waris Maqsood, which addresses various teen issues such as smoking, drugs, why relationships before marriage aren't allowed,sex etc. It's a great book for educating kids about this latter topic, especially when it comes to tackling some of the more embarassing issues. After all if we are too embarassed to talk to our kids, who else will, do we really want them to be educated by their classmates??? One more note on menstruation: I hope mothers teach their sons about it as well - so as to avoid all those embarassing cases of 'Sister it's prayer time', and sister's all [img]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons/08.gif[/img]thinking 'Yeah, I know, but I'm not praying... duh...do you have to draw attention to it' ::) :P. When I told my younger brother about this...yeah it embarassed him...but at least he won't make the mistake of asking a sister why she's not praying. :P [wlm] |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Fozia |
| 07/25/03 at 06:46:17 |
| [quote author=Attia link=board=sis;num=1058885053;start=0#8 date=07/25/03 at 05:09:46][slm] One more note on menstruation: I hope mothers teach their sons about it as well - so as to avoid all those embarassing cases of 'Sister it's prayer time', and sister's all [img]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons/08.gif[/img]thinking 'Yeah, I know, but I'm not praying... duh...do you have to draw attention to it' ::) :P. When I told my younger brother about this...yeah it embarassed him...but at least he won't make the mistake of asking a sister why she's not praying. :P [wlm] [/quote] [slm] That's so funny :-/ when I was at Uni, I was once stopped by a brother on Friday. He insisted on practically escorting me to the prayer hall, much to my complete mortification, I don't remember how I wriggled out of it, but I made sure I was well hidden in the library at prayer times if I couldn't pray from then on.... Wasalaam Ickle babies grow so fast *sigh* |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Lana |
| 07/25/03 at 15:25:30 |
| [quote author=Attia link=board=sis;num=1058885053;start=0#8 date=07/25/03 at 05:09:46][slm] One more note on menstruation: I hope mothers teach their sons about it as well - so as to avoid all those embarassing cases of 'Sister it's prayer time', and sister's all [img]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons/08.gif[/img]thinking 'Yeah, I know, but I'm not praying... duh...do you have to draw attention to it' ::) :P. When I told my younger brother about this...yeah it embarassed him...but at least he won't make the mistake of asking a sister why she's not praying. :P [wlm] [/quote] [slm] I agree! A young girl shouldn't have to feel embarrassed when she can't pray. It's damaging to her self esteem when she's going through all these changes and then has to hide it from her family as if it's something to be ashamed of. 9 years old isn't too young to talk about it, I remember a 9 year old girl in my class had it and told the others, who didn't really know what she was talking about. Sex ed was taught in 5th grade in my school. It seems young, but I guess in these times it's necessary. I guess I must have not been paying close attention in class though, because at that age I thought getting your period was a once in a lifetime occurrence! :) |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Nabila |
| 07/25/03 at 15:29:04 |
| [slm] My aunt was telling me how she used to go to a convent school, and the nuns wouldnt tell them *anything*. I nearly laughed myself into a coma imagining a kind of yearly mass-hysteria amongst the 7th graders ::) On a more serious note, though - its best if you make yourself approachable on any issue, just explain that you would like it if your child came to u with any queries and not anyone else. Too many parents are too embarrassed to discuss these things and it could lead to harm to their child. I heard of this story where a young boy asked his father what 'sex' meant. The father hemmed and hawed and didnt answer, so the kid merely went to google.com, typed in 'sex' and you can guess what happened next. Too much weird, unconfirmed info floating around which can be detrimental to everyone concerned. ma asalaamah and take care |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Barr |
| 07/26/03 at 07:21:11 |
| [slm] warahmatullah :) Talking about sex can be a bit awkward, especially when one is from an Eastern culture. I know my parents never talk to me about it. I learnt it from my cousin who is 2 years older, who learnt it at a home economics class, when she was 15. And as I grew older, from other sources but my parents. Now, I'm in a commitee that develops a curriculum on marriage.. and you know wot topic is there. Go figure :o :P But about ma'dzurah (menstruation), alhamdulillah, I was prepared for that becoz of my sunday Fiqh classes, that I used to attend since seven. I think that helps, when you talk about solah, and then, bring in the topic of baligh (puberty/adulthood), responsibility and accountability. And I remembered, my teacher advising us, to say "Alhamdulillah", whenever we reach baligh and explained to us why. And alhamdulillah, I did just that. Wot would be nice too is when a lil girl has a trusted Muslimah to explain about the emotions and other intangible changes that come as well, as we progress through womenhood :) And I think U've got your track prepared when your girl feels free to come and talk to you, mashaALlah :) Take care Future Momma Barr :-) [sub]inshaAllah[/sub] |
| 07/26/03 at 07:23:25 |
| Barr |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| eleanor |
| 07/28/03 at 12:56:57 |
| [quote author=panjul link=board=sis;num=1058885053;start=0#6 date=07/25/03 at 01:09:41] The least sexual abuse and incestuous abuse occurs among Jews. [/quote] the number of [i]reported[/i] cases.... There's a huge black figure of unreported cases out there and it could be that people from the above community don't report as much, for whatever reasons. |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Caraj |
| 07/28/03 at 15:16:38 |
| I think if you make it a body function/mediacl/cleanliness type talk it would be easier. A book, starting about how we eat healthy to make our hearts healthy and show pics of the heart and how it works. I'm not talking college lecture here ladies, this can be done in 10 mins. Go to the brain and the go to the reproductive system. And oh by the way little one soon you'll begin bleeding once a month and don't worry it is normal and healthy etc etc etc. When my sons were going to visit their Great grandfather who had had a stroke and had all his witts but lost his ability to speak I took my medic book. (I was an emergancy med tech) and I sat down with them and showed them how the blood flows through the brain and the veins, cpaularies, etc and how a stoke happens. When they arrived at my grandparent home my grandmother was so worried they would be frightened by him as when he got excited and fustrated cause he could not talk he would utter and loudly make sounds out of his fustration. He looked at me and my dad and back at me and to the boys an knew these were his great grandsons and loudly making sounds went to hug the boys. They went right to him to my grandmaothers amazement and looked at me like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I explained about showing them the book and explaining it to them. I also ecxplained that great grandpa gets loud cause he is upset he cannot communicate so if he got loud that means he is soooooo excited to see you and sorry he cannot say I love you, hello . Just take a books, start simple. make it short and in kid language and matter of factly. You'll be fine. Do heart, brain and repoductive, they are all how Allah created us and gave us these parts for reasons and how we care for them. Hope this helps. |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| Kathy |
| 07/29/03 at 08:52:09 |
| [slm] Speaking of books.... When Is the last time you browsed the bookstore? There are many cool books designed specifiacally for this talk. There are journal type for the girl who expresses her feelings by writing. There are "self study" kinds...if you are the kind of parent who is just to uncomfortable. I have seen the 'companion' kind too..where the parent works along with the blooming child. Yes, I realize that some, most of these books will have material that may not follow the tenants of Islam. Buy the book anyway... evenutally you will need to discuss these issues with your daughter. Because if you don't...the school, ob gyn, nurse or friends will. Wouldn't it be nice if she had some knowledge before the non Muslim talks to her? |
| Re: Explaining Womenhood to your Daughters |
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| bismilla |
| 08/01/03 at 08:30:33 |
| [slm] [font=comic sans ms][color=green]& Jazak Allah for all your wonderfully insightful replies :-) This is the plan...... 1. I've phoned the teacher and asked wot she has taught them so far about this in school....nothing apparently...but she has started to broach the subject Alhumdulillah 2. I borrowed some books from the local library and am trying to be very careful about wot she sees, cos as some of you mentioened...they are rather explicit... even the books designed to make easy reading and understanding for kids 3. We have started reading through sections that explain how the body works etc etc....like HEALTH and PHYSICAL issues........ 4. Insha Allah, i will eventually get a few children together one of the weekends and have a whole "girly" thing going and bring the whole thing up "just as a matter of fact". The trick behind having other kids there is that they can discuss it together and we can all talk..see :) :-* Once again, Shukran for your wonderful responses ;D [/color] [color=blue]that issue about kids getting into books where b/f g/f is like a "standard specification" for growing up.... *sigh* ...it's another "growing up" issue that needs to be addressed :-) [a mother's job is never done!] LOL .....i suppose this talk should take care of that a bit and the "constant reminder" and a few more"girly get togethers" should hopefully put that into perspective...i dunno...wot you think?? [slm][/color][/font] |
| 08/01/03 at 08:42:55 |
| bismilla |
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