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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| I tried... |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/24/03 at 15:17:27 |
| [slm] Have you ever sat back and wondered whether the company you keep should be institutionalized? Okay maybe that’s a little extreme, but perhaps they should look into a little counseling, from time to time. And while they’re there, they should book me an appointment. Sometimes I get so hugely concerned about my capacity to “go with the flow,” that I begin to doubt my ability to entertain myself. Mind you, this is a very important skill – especially when you feel like either you yourself or everyone around you belongs in a cage at the zoo. The last time a conversation rolled from why milk should be substituted with coke in a cup of a coffee to the difference between the effectiveness of different colored highlighters, I was very quick to point out that there is a direct correlation between the color of your highlighter and the grade that you will receive on a test. Having captivated the audience completely, I proceeded to explain that there was a study done upon a university student who tried every trick in the book to get the grade. No matter how much the poor guy struggled, he never did well. Well ask yourself what color highlighter you use. Go on. Because if you use his color, I assure you, you’re bound to be a complete failure in the world of academics. Yellow? Green? Purple? Actually, have you ever walked around in a zoo? Aimlessly wandering from cage to cage? I swear those knee-less penguins seem so bored. Actually that’s scientifically incorrect. Penguins have knees. Never understood why they might need them. But nevertheless, they have knees. Back to the zoo…I was standing behind the glass wall, politely admiring their beauty, when I noticed a group of five tourists (you have to understand that word has a disdainful intonation – “tourists!”) loudly saying, “oooh look that one must be about to go into labor any day now.” I had to really refrain from smacking my head against the glass wall. Just because the poor thing was fat, doesn’t automatically change the bird into a mammal. I wonder if animals mock us behind their caged, cabined, and confined quarters. I also wonder if the chubby twit ever clued in. The tourist, that is. Not the penguin. I have always been painfully aware of my social impediment. Let me clarify. Being the laid back person that I am, I can usually take anything that people throw at me. But let’s say I’ve been having a bad day, and my level of humor is the only thing that keeps me sane. And out of the blue, someone who I’ve been forced to refer to as “Uncle” for my whole life (goodness only knows why) decides that he wants to pull out his harmonium and do a little live Qawwali for us. See, I’m all for the arts, but when someone has an agonizingly horrible voice, and if I have eaten too many sulphite-containing, migraine-inducing dried fruits, it gets to be a little too much to take. So instead of being polite, and walking out like any normal person would, I explain to him that the octave he is singing in is probably high enough to shatter glass. My parents are dismayed, the poor “Uncle” is embarrassed, the party is uneasy, and meanwhile I demand tepid water with a slice of lime. Lime, not lemon, thanks. And it’s not for me. It’s for the glass-shattering, harmonium playing, out of tune “Uncle.” About a week later, while sitting on the subway, my conscience will kick in. Oh whoops. Too late now. But, even though my conscience is displaced, it is not completely nonexistent. So, as tears drip down my face, and the large Jamaican woman next to me offers me a Kleenex, I decline it. “I only use white, 2-ply tissues. The other kinds make the human nose rise 0.08 degrees Celsius.” That’s true, by the way. On this very same subway ride, I overhear some desi guy trying to pick up some non-desi girl. Trust me on this one, the following line will not even work with a desi girl who has half a brain and less personality: “You’re sweet like chutni and hot like achar.” I witnessed him crash and burn first-hand. So between the tears and the hysterical laughter, I decide that I better get off the subway before I really start resembling that primate I saw at the zoo. Three stops too early, so it’s okay to walk, right? WRONG. It’s snowing buckets outside, and because I have convinced myself that I have convictions, I decide I can brave the wind chill, right? WRONG. By the time I get home, my nose feels like it’s going to fall off, I have lost my scarf, and there is snow inside my boots. How did it get there? You’d think Aldo would start making reliable shoes. I’ve been wearing their boots since the arrival of my immigrant self on the shores of Toronto! Where’s the loyalty? If I went and complained about their quality, I would probably end up with doubts about the survival of the human race. Last time I complained about the quality was when I bought a pack of Pringles at Zellers. (Only Canadians would get this.) I hate Pringles, and in a surge of ambition, I decided I would try the Popping without Stopping. Didn’t work. One chip later, I returned to the store trying to return the thing. Old woman at the counter listens to me patiently for fifteen minutes. I was being very apologetic, by the way…it’s the only way I’ve been taught to do stuff. But after my thorough explanation she looks at me rudely and says, “Lady, they don’t pay me enough to care.” Sigh. Customer service. That’s probably the worst job on the planet. Worse than tech support jobs. Worked for tech support for a brief month and a half. Quit after I spent an hour on the phone explaining to someone that “Google” is not a browser, it’s a web page. So to end my soliloquy, I would like to say, that in retrospect of my dealings with human beings, I haven’t lost ALL hope in them, although I have come very close, very often. Especially when you head to Atlanta for spring break and someone asks you why your English is so good if you live in Toronto. “Wow, I’m really impressed. They speak English down there?” No, ma’am. We don’t. We speak Inuit. And we wear Eskimo suits and live in igloos. Seriously. I only eat raw meat because it’s too cold to start a fire, you know? And we send our senior citizens to the polar ice caps to perish. So if you’re ever looking for a nursing home, yeh? Oh, and before I forget. Don't ever, and I mean EVER use a black highlighter. Wasalaam. |
| Re: I tried... |
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| readagain |
| 07/24/03 at 15:35:30 |
| [slm] :D :D :D mashallah..awesome writing skills..and wow, if this is how u think outloud i wonder how u think silently (the same?).. ::).. umm no, i dont wonder..too complicated ;)... feel better, you are not alone. salaam Agree with you on the black MARKER thing..i dont think they have black Highliters do they??? |
| Re: I tried... |
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| Dawn |
| 07/24/03 at 16:10:13 |
| [slm] :D :-/ :D :-/ I really, really needed a laugh today. :( Thank you sooooooooooo much for taking the time to write this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Re: I tried... |
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| brother |
| 07/24/03 at 17:55:00 |
| MashAllah sister. Nice piece of writing. [quote]“You’re sweet like chutni and hot like achar.” [/quote] LOL |
| Re: I tried... |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/24/03 at 18:00:50 |
| [slm] :D :-/ :-/ Eh? Are you for real? You're so cool. Along with the educational note of not using black highlighters....when you're teacher asks you to answer the questions on the back of the book....s/he don't mean that literally and also write the answers down not the page where he can find it on. I did that just b/c he was annoying me about answering the questions we just reviewed. Got a looooong lecture about that later after class which annoyed me even more. Oh well...see sister you're not the only one. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: I tried... |
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| WhiteSomali |
| 07/24/03 at 21:14:31 |
| [slm] ;D :-/ :-/ :-/ Subhan Allah sis you're one in a million. Send this to the Star or sumfin lol they'd prolly publish it :D |
| Re: I tried... |
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| panjul |
| 07/25/03 at 00:40:05 |
| [slm] I was very quick to point out that there is a direct correlation between the color of ykur highlighter and the grade that you will receive on a test. Having captivated the audience completely, I proceeded to explain that there was a study done upon a university student who tried every trick in the book to get the grade. No matter how much the poor guy struggled, he never did well. Well ask yourself what color highlighter you use. Go on. Because if you use his color, I assure you, you’re bound to be a complete failure in the world of academics. Yellow? Green? Purple? Was that entertainment, or were you complaining? black high lighters? Was that a joke? Man, for a while I wondered about that...i use all the highlihter colors. yellow (least favorite), pink, green, purple, orange, blue. Orange is my favorite. What's yours? ;) Do you go to college? If so, email me about publishing something of yours if you'd like.......ok... no gurantees, but let me see what i can pull. [slm] |
| I didn't......I lost. |
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| bhaloo |
| 07/25/03 at 01:46:25 |
| [slm] I'm speechless. That was REALLY good. I didn't expect that. Woah. |
| Re: I tried... |
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| BrKhalid |
| 07/25/03 at 06:02:01 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]Have you ever sat back and wondered whether the company you keep should be institutionalized?[/quote] Sounds like you need to avoid those blacksmiths and go to more perfume sellers ;-) Seems we have our own bloggers in the Madina with Sisters Umm Wafi and Just One ;) |
| Re: I tried... |
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| Nomi |
| 07/25/03 at 08:29:55 |
| [slm] [quote author=Dawn link=board=bebzi;num=1059070647;start=0#2 date=07/24/03 at 16:10:13] Thank you sooooooooooo much for taking the time to write this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/quote] Sis J.O are you trying to tell sis Jannah that "there 'are' workarounds to eat bandwidth :P" [slm] Asim Zafar [i]Only my fifth post for the day, 4th, 3rd, 2nd and 1st i'll post laterz :P[/i] -- joke |
| Re: I tried... |
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| asap |
| 07/27/03 at 06:30:41 |
| [font=Verdana]GoodOne[/font] :) walaikum salam warahmatullah asap |
| 07/27/03 at 06:31:39 |
| asap |
| Re: I tried... |
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| UmmWafi |
| 07/28/03 at 07:06:31 |
| Wa'alaikumsalam wr wb [quote author=BrKhalid link=board=bebzi;num=1059070647;start=0#8 date=07/25/03 at 06:02:01] Seems we have our own bloggers in the Madina with Sisters Umm Wafi and Just One ;) [/quote] Ok..no introducing of new adjectives until they are officially accepted by the Very Dubious Scrabble Dictionary By Dubious Americans Who Think EL Is Actually A Legitimate Word :-/ Bloggers ???? BLOGGERS ???? Although I am very flattered to be in the Blogger Category with the ever delightful Sis JustOne, I must protest. Bloggers are too close to bloogers and we ALL know what they are don't we ? *In a smaller voice* [size=1] I used black highlighter when in college cos I figured I can blame the highlighter ink for my bad grades. I used to go "But Sir, I couldn't see the words after I highlighted the passage u emphasized how on earth can I answer the question properly !"[/size] On an even seriouser note (and more alarming still) I have never used a single highlighter in my less than sterling academic career. In fact why would anyone who spends her study time bumming around use a highlighter ? Think of the number of cookies and choccies I can buy instead heh heh...... Blogger 1 tune out. |
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