Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

A R C H I V E S

9/11’s Hidden Toll

Madina Archives


Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

9/11’s Hidden Toll
jannah
07/29/03 at 17:44:22
9/11’s Hidden Toll

Muslim-American women are quietly coping with a tragic side effect of the attacks—a surge in domestic violence

By Sarah Childress
NEWSWEEK

Aug. 4 issue — His temper flared even before the wedding. But Lila’s husband was usually sweet and attentive, a devout African-American Muslim who even traveled to her native country in the Middle East to meet—and charm—her family. To make up for his rare outbursts, he brought home roses and kissed her feet. But after 9/11, his temper turned violent.

        NEIGHBORS WORRIED WHEN they heard him screaming at her for leaving laundry in the washing machine. “It changed him from an angel to a monster,” says Lila, who spoke to NEWSWEEK on the condition that her real name not be used. Suddenly, when she tried to comfort him, he would kick her to the floor. Once, she says, he threatened to hit her so hard that she “would not land until next Sunday.”
       Sadly, Lila is not alone. Since 9/11, domestic violence has been on the rise in the American Muslim community, according to social-service agencies nationwide. The weak economy, an insulated culture and intense scrutiny from law enforcement and locals alike have created a powder keg that’s all the more frightening because there are so few resources to deal with the problem; only three shelters in the United States cater specifically to Muslim culture. And, with the authorities threatening arrest and deportation for suspicious foreign nationals, Muslim women are even more hesitant to report abuse than usual, according to Nora Alarifi Pharaon, a psychologist at the Brooklyn, N.Y.-based Arab-American Family Support Center.
       Even before 9/11, Pharaon says, most abuse in Muslim communities went un-reported. This is a patriarchal culture, she says, that puts a premium on the family unit; the notion of counseling for marital problems is a rarity throughout much of the Muslim world. Lila’s husband controlled her money, her apartment—even her mailbox key. Lila says that would have been fine had her husband “respected” her. “This is how I was raised,” Lila says. “I was the wife, and I knew what my duties were.” Even after he turned abusive, she tried to win his approval. She took a job when he was demoted from his position at a major airline, scrubbed the apartment tirelessly and planned romantic dinners. But the violence didn’t stop. Still, her family back home encouraged her to try harder.  

 
      The idea of seeking help at a shelter is a foreign one. Islam has a long history of associating runaway women with immorality, says Sharifa Alkhateeb, president of the North American Council for Muslim Women. Shame and the difficulty of adhering to religious customs in a shelter means many women eventually return to the socially appropriate, albeit abusive, place beside their husbands. Women who leave shelters rarely seek further help, Pharaon says, and that’s usually not because their husbands change their ways.
       It’s not just Islamic culture that can dismiss domestic violence. Very religious strains of Judaism and Christianity sometimes make it difficult for women to escape abusive relationships, says Alkhateeb. Batterers also can misinterpret religious texts to justify abuse. “Women with more conservative religious beliefs tend to stay in relationships longer, to work it out, even if it’s to their detriment,” says Linda Osmundson, executive director of Community Action Stops Abuse. Recently, religious leaders have been making efforts to combat the problem, she says. “But our shelters are still full.”
       Lila finally stopped making excuses for her husband when he tried to evict her from their apartment. “I felt like a small, small ant crawling,” she says. Now, living on her own and applying for citizenship (and a divorce), Lila walks taller. But in a community that traditionally speaks in hushed tones about domestic abuse—if it says anything at all—too many women have yet to find a voice.

Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
AyeshaZ
07/29/03 at 18:20:55
[quote author=jannah link=board=ummah;num=1059511462;start=0#0 date=07/29/03 at 17:44:22]9/11’s Hidden Toll

Muslim-American women are quietly coping with a tragic side effect of the attacks—a surge in domestic violence

By Sarah Childress
NEWSWEEK  

The idea of seeking help at a shelter is a foreign one. Islam has a long history of associating runaway women with immorality, says Sharifa Alkhateeb, president of the North American Council for Muslim Women. Shame and the difficulty of adhering to religious customs in a shelter means many women eventually return to the socially appropriate, albeit abusive, place beside their husbands. Women who leave shelters rarely seek further help, Pharaon says, and that’s usually not because their husbands change their ways.
[/quote]


>:( The whole article is disgusting.. but what makes me even more mad is the people they find or make up for these darn articles!!!

Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
jannah
07/29/03 at 18:32:48
[slm] ayesha,

why do u find the article disgusting? it's absolutely true.. or do u believe these things do not happen in our communities?

i get email every month from sisters that have issues like these.. i still don't know how to help them.. we just don't have the resources because our communities in the US refuse to acknowledge this is a severe problem that exists.  i also get requests in the community itself, and this is a small community and these are the one's i know of openly so Allahu alam how many are hidden and how many there are in big communities.

i don't know if we should be upset that Newsweek is highlighting the problems we have in our community. i think we should be ashamed really.
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
timbuktu
07/29/03 at 21:36:00
[slm]

it is indeed a shame that muslim males (i hesitate to call them men) have not learnt to deal with their problems without turning on those weaker than themselves. i saw this in pakistan, & thru' intense reporting this has dwindled somewhat, although the problem is still enormous. & foreign NGO's use this to attack islam as such.

there must be a way in the western societies, you may have to search thru' the laws, & think harder.
07/29/03 at 21:41:18
timbuktu
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
panjul
07/30/03 at 01:46:27
[slm]

i don't know if we should be upset that Newsweek is highlighting the problems we have in our community. i think we should be ashamed really.

We had a few ladies get together with plans to open up a shelter for muslim women. the community leaders killed it because it would make women immoral and leave their husbands over small fights and disputes.

If that isn't disgusting, then i don't know what it is. However, the newsweek article certainly isn't disgusting, the truth hurts, doens't it?

Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
Halima
07/30/03 at 02:07:30
Yeah, the truth hurts but it is time that it is told.  Burying our heads in the sand like the proverbial ostrich is not good any more.  The first step would be if the sisters are willing to be helped.  Are they really ready to accept help???  You can only help someone if they want to be helped.  Then and only then, will the people who kill ideas such as the shelters realize and accept that there is a problem which needs to be addressed.

There is proverb in Somali which says:  Do not antagonize your brother-in-law unless you are sure of your sister.  You might want to help a sister who is having trouble in her marriage because she asked for your help but then when you try, you find out that she is so afraid that she will change her mind about getting that help.  That is why it is so difficult to help battered women.

Halima
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
timbuktu
07/30/03 at 03:45:24
[slm]

i tried muslim movements here to help in this cause, but the men running the show were more interested in politics, & the women: well, i did not know any in these movements.

i see that help to battered women comes from secular or westernising groups, & one had no alternative but to take such women there. it is a shame, but unless women with an islamic bent of mind come forward, i donot see any prgress in addressing this problem.

of course, the battered woman is already under pressures, & most of the time she will give in. I have seen some very good psychiatrists administering therapy to these women, & the results are truly amazing. again my regret is that "islamic" women do not come forwrd, & muslim men want to sweep the problem under the carpet.

the answer is lobbying within the community, but one will have to learn to take a little abuse from the conservatives & from those unwilling to learn.
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
shieldsoffaith
07/30/03 at 08:02:46
I am a newbie here. This being my first post. However, I am female and this topic touches my heart.

I am going to share a thought with the ones that find it so difficult to believe the stories are not made up.

I hope that I do not break any posting rules.  I do not wish to do that.

When I was first introduced to Islam and I met many muslims, my first thoughts of the people were how good they were. In my mind there was no better people in the world.  And believe me many people from my christian family and friends tried their utmost to convince me otherwise.

I have been a muslim for 26 years now and I am just now realizing that their are some people in Islam who are not good.  Though maybe they are fewer in number. Still they exist.  However, I still feel pain to admit this.  But, I finally have.

I am constantly ask by my christian family and friends to look at the people in christianity who may be good.  That has been just as difficult on me. I know they exist because Quran has stated they do.  

In my older age, and after being a muslim for so long I have concluded that if Muslims (though it is difficult) admit that people in Islam are sometimes not true muslims though they are raised muslims and if muslims would acknowledge that some people among the christians (though that be equally as difficult) are good people, the world could somehow find peace.

I do not know how this can be accomplished.  But, I feel their is a need.

I am far from any large muslim communities. However, if their is anyway I can help any Muslim sister who is being abused by her husband please someone send me a private message and inshallah I will help.


[saw]



Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
timbuktu
07/30/03 at 09:14:22
sister shieldoffaith
welcome, please do not mind, but your post tells me to be suspicious of your claim to be a muslim. i wont go into the details, but other muslims on this board should be able to see it too.

& now to answer your main theme:
[quote author=shieldsoffaith link=board=ummah;num=1059511462;start=0#7 date=07/30/03 at 08:02:46]if Muslims (though it is difficult) admit that people in Islam are sometimes not true muslims though they are raised muslims and if muslims would acknowledge that some people among the christians (though that be equally as difficult) are good people, the world could somehow find peace. [/quote]
the world's peace is not at all connected to whether the muslims admit there are bad ones among them. Look at Central & South America & those countries of Africa where there is no or little muslim population.

ma'am, the reason there is little peace in the world is because there have been & continue to be some very ambitious & greedy people in the West (first Europe & now our beloved US of A), who want to control the world. This control is being exercised by again a small minority of Zionists & Zionist symthasizers.

thanks for your offer to help our battered sisters in Islam. Having doubts about your real identity & intentions, i decline the offer. we turn to Allah to give us help in such situations.

thanks again: but i have reason to believe that Christians women are faring no better.
07/30/03 at 09:20:07
timbuktu
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
panjul
07/30/03 at 11:14:52
[slm]

it is a shame, but unless women with an islamic bent of mind come forward, i donot see any prgress in addressing this problem.

Well, Timbuktu--that was a decision you came to rather quick about the sister's intentions.

anyway, regarding that above sentence in bold--- The woman in my community that came out with the idea were practicing Muslimahs--the people who killed the idea and refused to fund it and show moral support for it were practicing brothers and the Imam.

And it's like this across many US muslim communities, the reason given is that women will become 'bad' and leave their husbands for over small disputes and that woman should be patient, blah, blah.. As if women were not capable of making their own decisions and somehow all are prone to corruption just because they ask for help.

How come when women are suffering, everyone tells them to be patient and think of the family? But when it's the husband that's suffering the support given to them runs something like this, "Oh brother, inshallah, you can find another wife."   ::)

Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
shieldsoffaith
07/30/03 at 11:49:13
Well, I do not know what it means to you to be a muslim.

But, I believe in the one Allah.  

I dont have anything else to say about the subject.

I probably could not help much anyway.

:-*
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
Trustworthy
07/30/03 at 12:59:51
[slm]

I agree with Sr. Panjul.  And Sheildsof faith, don't take what the bro said to heart.  We all have opinions here and there.

What you say is true.  Some Muslims are bad b/c they don't practice their faith so truly (I know some).  

Abuse is not tolerated in Islam in any form and Muslimahs have the right to divorce for such.

But here's a true story...take it as you like....

A cousin of mine whom I used to despise b/c of her unIslamic ways married a man whom she fell in love with and he the same.  However, they both have a temper like a 7.9 on the rickter scale of an earthquake.  The man, of course, was the stronger one physically so she would try to hide her bruises with thick make-up.  I did not care to see her dilemma b/c she was not a good Muslimah and besides she did not ask for help.  I would hear stories of there fist fights and objects thrown.  She would hit him in the head with a porcelain plate and he would throw her across the room, stuff like that.  How true they, I don’t know.

Then one day she came crying to the family with her face all swollen and threatened to take her own life.  We all tried to calm her down, but failed b/c she managed to get to the top of the roof and jumped.  No bones were broken, but she fell unconscious and stopped breathing.  My mother administered CPR and revived her.

We had a long good talk with her.  They would fight over the craziest things mostly of jealousy.  They loved each other so much that they were so jealous of each other.  If she or he looked at the opposite sex even an accidental glance, furniture would be flying.  If she was late cooking or if he came home one minute late, they would be at it.  It was abuse both ways.  

But b/c she was the women and her bruises were so bad that day, he entire community took action.  The men went to talk with her husband and us women talked to her about it.  About Islam and the right way of dealing with problems.  There was no counseling, it was more like an intervention for the both of them since they had one girl whom they never abused.

I mean they loved each other so much like you wouldn’t believe b/c of all the fights.  She’d rather take her own life then leave him living a life without him.  But b/c of that intervention years ago, they are now a very happy couple and have another child.  They live in the next house next to me and we go to each others outings etc.  And all is good.

I felt bad for not wanting to deal with her even though she knew why I despised her, everyone did.  But to me, it was personal even so, she is family and I should’ve been there for her no matter what.  No woman or man should go through something like that.  They both still have their tempers, but they can control it now.

I have worse stories then that where the ending isn’t so happy, but what helps is the help from the community.  Once our Imam hears of abuse, the option of divorce is always the first one.  Now if it’s just an argument, then working it out is the first option.  Islam is justice.  Without the community to show the couple that, then tragedy is what becomes of bad situations.

And a Muslim community's help as way better then a non-Muslim community.  Islam does not get a bad name or distorted out of context.

Ma-asalaama.....
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
shieldsoffaith
07/30/03 at 13:37:41
Well, I will again give my humble opinion... :-*

I really believe that more responsibility is put on muslim sisters to control their temper.   >:(

Mind you.  They should.  

But, so should brothers.  


What did I get myself into??    ;D
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
timbuktu
07/31/03 at 04:36:55
[slm] 1st i apologize to you, sister shieldoffaith

after reading your other posts, i have concluded that you are indeed a muslimah, & what alerted me was actually due to some lapses that may have crept in yours being the only muslim family in your town

but i had reasons to be wary. from my time at other forums (or is it fora?), i have seen people posing as muslims & getting them into impossible situations.

note sister shieldoffaith: when we announce our arrival (at least the first one), we do so with salam  [slm], & the departure is unusual when it is just  [saw] by itself.

a serious matter that i have found is that non-muslims are always goading muslims to agree to their assertion that Islam is not a religion of peace, but of terror, or at least the muslims are terrorists. & that Islam needs "Reformation", just as Christianity went through.

so, read my post again to get answer to that question you asked.

as for the suffering of the females, well to tell you the truth, brother lucid9 said something about us not being able to shake & move the world, so we take it out in our little kingdoms. i think this applies to the household too.

the men are abused at work, they cannot change the world, & perhaps they do not know what direction the change should take place in, so the come home to terrorise the wife or the daughter.

again i apologize for suspecting your motives.

& sister panjul, in your efforts yes, the men are to blame when the sisters tried to help. i was quoting my efforts, & it is quite possible that the men were responsible here as well, because i talked only to men, the hijabi sisters not being available for a discourse, & the others were just middle-class ones, who would pay money but not let a tortured soul in their house for shelter.

we do need to be more human, in line with our religion/ faith.

i have provided shelter to persecuted people (including sisters) in my home, & that was despite my wife's objections, & i dread another day when someone comes again for shelter, & i would not know what to do.

in another true story i had written that we middle class muslim men from the sub-continent are afraid more of our wives than of Allah.
07/31/03 at 10:45:50
timbuktu
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
shieldsoffaith
07/31/03 at 09:05:11
[slm] [slm]

There is no problem brother.  I am new here and did not know what to start out with.  I am also only vagely familiar with arabic writing.

It is my fault for not starting out with salams.  

I am also new to this type of posting on the computer. I just learned of it a couple months ago, maybe not that long, and I got busy trying to locate muslim forums. I am happy I found them.   Much better than playing games with others.  

[saw]
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
AyeshaZ
08/01/03 at 02:12:39
[wlm]

jannah...
I totally agree domestic violence is one of the growing problems in our communities... Groups like ISSA etc are doing amazing things and May Allah(swt) grant them much success.. Also,I am working towards becoming a social worker... lol yeahh defensive mode here..

WE need sisters like Bonita Macgee to speak more at Isna conferences etc and it truly is sad to see our Imams swamped with soo much to deal with already.. sigh

i was just mad the Newsweek article but indeed it is the truth, our communities desperately need to realize that "this really is happening"!!

I guess at times like this it would be nice once in a while to see positive articles about Muslims ..
And i was pointing towars how she wrote that "Islam has a long history of associating runnaway women with immorality"..
08/01/03 at 02:14:38
AyeshaZ
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
Nomi
08/01/03 at 17:00:28
[slm]

[quote author=AyeshaZ link=board=ummah;num=1059511462;start=15#15 date=08/01/03 at 02:12:39]
And i was pointing towars how she wrote that "Islam has a long history of associating runnaway women with immorality"..
[/quote]

Muslims not Islam, thats how it should have been put. Intentional? unintentional? God knows best, but a writer should be careful with words.

see how the same was put for others..

[quote]
Very religious strains of Judaism and Christianity sometimes make it difficult for women to escape abusive relationships, says...
[/quote]
08/01/03 at 17:16:29
Nomi
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
bhaloo
08/01/03 at 22:12:35
[slm]

[quote author=AyeshaZ link=board=ummah;num=1059511462;start=15#15 date=08/01/03 at 02:12:39] WE need sisters like Bonita Macgee to speak more at Isna conferences etc and it truly is sad to see our Imams swamped with soo much to deal with already.. sigh
[/quote]

Who is Bonita MacGee?  Bonita is a Spanish word meaning pretty and macgee is a common Irish name.  That's an interesting mixture, spanish and irish.
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
Early_Bird
08/02/03 at 19:41:28
[wlm]
hmm, didn;t some women "RUN AWAY" when they made hijrah (migrated) to join the Prophet  [saw]??

. There are women nowadays who have also "RUN AWAY" from their homelands, solo, to escape persecution for wearing hijab etc.  Sometimes women do have to run away, to save their lives, or their kids lives, or their sanity (or all 3).

I think the running away=immoral thing must be cultural and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt.

We are so far from an ideal community that we do need women;s shelters, but I think they should be run by women for women. I know of one set up by and for Muslims that in its fund-raising flyer gave the address and published photos of the building. Cold comfort for a woman who is fleeing for her life from an unbalanced abusive husband.

We have a long ways to go and the media is just doing its job, I have seen reports of social problems in other religious communities too, so we aren;t necessarily being picked on in this instance. I know, it does happen.

PS as some folks seem confused about the Arabic, I hope this helps:

[wlm] = Assalaamu aleikum (peace be upon you)

[saw] = Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him (said after mentioning the Prophet  [saw]

:-)
Early Bird
08/02/03 at 19:42:01
Early_Bird
Re: 9/11’s Hidden Toll
AyeshaZ
08/03/03 at 02:11:15
[quote author=bhaloo link=board=ummah;num=1059511462;start=15#17 date=08/01/03 at 22:12:35][slm]


Who is Bonita MacGee?  Bonita is a Spanish word meaning pretty and macgee is a common Irish name.  That's an interesting mixture, spanish and irish.[/quote]


Sister Bonita is a Revert Muslim.. and is an awesome social worker... She speaks at conferences.. insha'Allah we are trying to invite her to speak at our campus.. A muslim sister activist speaking about an issue like "Domestic Violence" that all women can relate to is powerful!!
ohhh and she is from OHIO  :-X


Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
A R C H I V E S

Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © Jannah.Org