A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Need advice badly |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 08/05/03 at 15:05:14 |
| Assalamualaikum, I have been visiting the messege board for years and have seen how everyone helps everyone out MashaAllah. I need some advice if anyone can help me out. I have lived in USA almost all my life, but Alhamdulillah am a good practicing muslimah. I got married to someone from my country 6 years ago, and he came here with me. Recently, he applied for his mother's immigration and now she is also living with us. After I got married, I stayed with my husband and his family for a couple of months, while my husband's immigration process was going on. In the beginning I treated them like my own family, treated his mother, just like I treat mine. As time passed by, I realized, they were all so different than what they seemed to be. Not to go into too much detail but, my mother in law, wanted to stay in power, so she would lie to her son's about thier wives, like, oh she doesn't do any work, or, she doesn't know how to do anything. She totally tried to turn her son's against thier wives. Her eldest son was (excuse the saying) a total mamma's boy. If my mother in law complained about his wife, he would sometimes get really angry and yell at her in front of everyone which was sooo embarrassing. I felt so bad for his wife. He even hit her one time and she was crying so bad I tried to calm her down and she told be it's not the first time it had happened, she had seen worse. I cried so much that day, thinking what am I doing there. Anyways, thats how the situation was the couple of months I stayed there. Now my mother in law is here living with me, and many times she has tried to do the same thing between my husband and I, but because my husband has spent so many years with me already without her intereference, he knows what kind of a person I am. Another thing she does, is she takes my things and my children's things without even telling us. She just quietly takes what she wants and hides it in her closet, so many times I have found my things in her closet while I am putting things away. And she always takes credit for everything, if my son or daughter learn something new or I teach them something new or a new surah, she always poses in front of my husband as if she has done it. I know these things are little and insignificant, and I used to try not to get them to me, but I just can't stand it anymore. I don't tell anyone about her or the things she does, not even my mother. I kept a diary so I could let all my steam out in it, and she took my diary and read it, and told my husband that I think so badly of his family and I think of her as a thief and she just spiced everything up and told him. I was not home at the time but when I got hime, my husband was so angry he yelled at me and told me to get out of his house. I was going to leave, but she came and sat in the car and wont get out(she was afraid I was going to go to my mother's house and tell them about her). I was so hurt. Anyways I went back to my house and cried all night. I had no where to go. I never felt so lonely in my life. The next day I didn't eat anything all day, and my mother in law didn't either, and she stayed in her room, and my husband's computer is in her room too, so when he went to do some work on the computer, she was laying in her bed and she starts crying. So my husband gets angry again at me for making his mother upset so much. I told him to read the diary and see what it says and then maybe he will beleive me that I didnt write any lie in it. She wouldn't give him the diary. My husband was also afraid she would tell the whole family about this and no one will ever want to see him again. She would also keep saying this while she would be crying that when everyone finds out they will be so hurt(I guess a form of threatening??) OK not to make this so long and boring but, I told my husband that whatever i wrote was all true, but I will still apologize to her JUST FOR HIM. And I did, and she just cried and said, oh u misunderstood us all and this and that, and she was back to normal the next day. Nothing big happened after that. My husband thinks I just misunderstood things and took em the wrong way, thats why I wrote all that in my diary. I am so tired of it all now, she is here, living with with me still, and still does all those things, and it just gets to me so much now. I don't know what to do, its soooo frustrating. I know I have made this post too long but please, I would REALLY REALLY appreciate some advice, PLEASE. wasalaam A sis in need |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| sofia |
| 08/05/03 at 16:21:34 |
| As-salaamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah, sis Compulsive liars are sca-ry. Sorry, sis, the only thing I can tell you is that you have a major test in your mother-in-law. I doubt your evidence is an issue with your husband; it might be knowing someone has taken the time to write down something negative about one's mother (whether or not it's "justified"), or coming to the realization that one's mother is doing some messed up stuff. I'm not sure about the diary part, whether that's considered back-biting, but I'd refrain from ever writing something negative about someone else. Trust in Allah, He can make truth manifest, so make du'aa that He restores peace in your family. And never stoop to a level that you know is not good. A wife trying to break the relationship between a mother and son almost never works out in a good way, since most have been excellent parents to their own children (not that you're doing that, Allahu A'lim, just avoid being misinterpreted as doing that). Continue to do good, refrain from being confrontational or craving recognition except with Allah. When you do defend the truth, do it in a you-must-be-confused-with-something-else/benefit-of-the-doubt-and-not-accusatory type way, and not for your own benefit. Allah already knows what is true, and will judge accordingly. Make du'aa for good/peace & ask for forgiveness, frequently. You'll only get benefit from sincere du'aa. I realize that's easier said than done, but that's why this is your jihaad. Allahu A'lim, your mother-in-law may just be getting old. Or, it may be culturally ingrained in her to make her daughter-in-law's life a living nightmare, since maybe that's what was done to her (I've heard of this issue before, so it must not be that uncommon). If anything, I'm sure you'll break the cycle when you're a mother-in-law, insha'Allah. May Allah make it easy for you and reward you for taking care of your family and mother-in-law. |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| Caraj |
| 08/06/03 at 12:07:21 |
| ANON, there was a wonderful post not to far back and if you look for the thread on this board called ... Calling Columbo Bhaloo/Se7en/Jannah, someone put up a link to it, click on it, it is such an awesome post, please read it, it is cute and about a mother-in-law thing. Anon, I'm sorry you have to go through such a thing, and I sort of understand your situation from the other side. I had a daughter-in-law simular to but yet different from your mother-in-law. She was very mean, very vicious and even made a deal with my son (which he was at fault too) so he agreed to see me only once a month. She even put a mean answering machine message, if you're a phone solister ***, if you're family.... we're not in, If you're friends, **** and if you're Mikes Mom :( :o I put the *** cause I can't remember what exactly was said. Also one year in a Christmas bag was a 14 page how you suck as a mother and how you are rotten and not welcomed in my house :o :'( I kid you not. Here is what I did, I decided right there and then 1) She was my daughter the minute she married my son NOT MY IN-LAW, BUT my daugher. 2) As my sons wife she was deserving of my total love and respect 3) I WAS going to love the meaness out of her, no matter how bad it hurt (and no matter how bad I wanted to hurt her :o ;D cause she hurt me so bad) She and I now go to dinner together, she confides in me when she is upset, we were going to the gym together, she invites me to the house for dinner. We laugh, we joke. It was hard and it angered and hurt me for 2 years. But I made up my mind she was deserving of all love and respect as my sons wife and I WAS going to love the meaness out of her, I would not go to her level, I was determained to bring her up to mine. (To be loving and kind) What I wanted to do a lot was put the little stinker over my knee and :o spank her like a naughty child. She is the sweetest thing now and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Have the bigger heart. treat her with the utmost respect and another thing us old ladies likes is to be made to feel needed and wanted, ask her opinion even though you may not really need it, ask her advice on things like cooking, ask her what her favorite surah and when hubby comes home make a big fuss over it, say Children come show dad what grandma taught you today. Always remember you have a major common bond.......Your husband.......you both love him dearly and you both want to know he needs you. Work it for your good not her not so good purposes. Does this make sense? Oh and as for the diary, I would have a heart to heart and tell him when you are upset, and need to vent, let off some steam, you write and it helps you get it out. He does need to respect your stuff and so does that mother-in-law of yours. I, even though I loved the meaness out of my situation would of drawn the line with someone taking my personal stuff. Let your husband know you need a safe place and your 'own space' I wish you well, is not an easy place to be. |
| 08/06/03 at 13:15:55 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| faisalsb |
| 08/07/03 at 03:23:35 |
| [slm] Well I think Sister Sofia and Aziza have covered it very well mashallah but I am really inspired by following words of Sister Aziza I think this is where experience counts: [quote]Have the bigger heart. treat her with the utmost respect and another thing us old ladies likes is to be made to feel needed and wanted, ask her opinion even though you may not really need it, ask her advice on things like cooking, ask her what her favorite surah and when hubby comes home make a big fuss over it, say Children come show dad what grandma taught you today[/quote] I think example of a man is like a tree. I have a story regarding that (in fact self made one ........;)) which might be helpful. It was a little plant when the gardener planted it in earth. He watered it regularly and saved it from sun and bad weather. Then one day the gardener saw the plant had new leaves. He was very happy because the plant had been rooted well in the earth. The time passed and plant kept on growing. Lately it was not a weak plant like before it had many branches but still needed protection and care what gardener kept on providing. After many years of hard and tedious work gardener saw the plant had become tree. That was the happiest day of his life when he saw the tree was mature and going to start giving fruit. He waited anxiously for the time when the fruit would be ripened. The time comes and the fruit was ripened. The gardener was very happy that his hard work of many years had become fruitful. But at that time he was told that he had to share that fruit with SOMEONE else because he was not the only one who had right on it. He accepted it GLADLY and was ready to share it. The time passed and he kept on sharing the furit with SOMEONE then one day he was told that his right was over and he had no share in the fruit anymore. The gardener was very upset he couldn't believe it. Since he was an old man and couldn't plant another tree and wait till it starts giving fruit, particularly when he was not sure that the fruit of that tree wouldn't be snatched from him once again. So he decided to cut the tree since if he can't enjoy it's fruit then nobody else has right to do so. One night he went out with an ax. He reached to the tree he was determined to cut off the tree. He raised the ax in the air and hit the stem of the tree with full force. When the ax hit the tree the gardener felt like he hit himself. He recalled all those memories when it was a little plant when it grew new leaves and branches. When he protected it from sun and bad weather. His determination was broken and his arms didn't support him. He dropped the ax and sat down under the tree and started waiting for the morning .............. Sister Anonymous I think example of your mother in law is like that gardener. Most probably she is feeling neglected. What Sister Aziza has said really makes sense. I think better way to vent out is to share your feelings with someone who you trust. Any best friend or relative who ever you can trust. Don't share it with your husband if you think he would take it negatively as if you are feeding him against his mother. If you don't have anyone to share with please come to board and share it with us. I think all of us would be glad if you share it with us. And beleive me all the suffering and bad time what you are having due to the negative behavior of your mother in law you will be given ajr for that ......... Inshallah |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| bismilla |
| 08/07/03 at 04:18:14 |
| [slm] Sister, I am very sorry to hear about wot you are going through and I make Duah that you have the emotional strength and patience to get thought his inscathed, Insha Allah Ameen. Sister Aziza your advice [quote]Have the bigger heart. treat her with the utmost respect and another thing us old ladies likes is to be made to feel needed and wanted, ask her opinion even though you may not really need it, ask her advice on things like cooking,[/quote] does work!!! I speak from experience. I never knew how to cook when i got married and my mum in law left me to my own devices (no pressure) and simply loved it when i asked her how to do stuff. And Heaven help anyone who thereafter criticizes my cooking...cos she won't have any of it. ;D Alhumdulillah, I know this works because someone who tried to be independant and not ask for advice and turned out "not-like-my-mum's cooking" had a real hard time with her marriage...same situation like you described with your sieter in law anon :( Sad..maybe ridiculous...but certainly true. Mum In Laws are mothers after all...and they scared of being excluded after being the centre of attention all their motherly years. The sisters advice to love all the meaness away is a Masha Allah one. |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| sal |
| 08/07/03 at 07:15:33 |
| [slm] ;-) problems wont end at all even if this one is solved. this is life , but if you want to gain some AJER out of this test you need to be pateint and dont concentrate at that part you hate . try to expect that the day after is always harder than the day before . but be confident you can face the tests . and therfore they will seem easier . and inshallah allah will help you [wlm] ;-) ;-) |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| Caraj |
| 08/07/03 at 13:03:14 |
| You know how a few posted my idea works? I kid you not, this little use to be mean daughter-in-law of mine who is now the sweetest thing. (of course from 18 to 21 she has blossomed from a little brat to a wonderful, level headed young lady.) After this post, I called her, as my husband needed to know something from her. The call ended with, Hey, would you like to meet Mike and I for dinner after I get off work? I went to dinner with them last night, I do once a week unless they are busy. Gosh, it is so hard to believe they have been married 4 yrs this Dec :o I'm sooooo old. ANON, seriously go to the post titled: CALLING COLUMBO AKA ...... click on the link Nisa posted from an earlier Medina link. It is cool and is about a Daughter-in-law who had problems with a Mother-in-law. It's awesome and funny. Take Care, we're all here for you, if you need to vent and are hesitant to do the diary thing cause of what happened, come to us if you want. Your mission........should you choose to accept it ::)........is to LOVE THE MEANESS OUT OF HER 8) Good luck |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| BrKhalid |
| 08/08/03 at 05:16:05 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]But I made up my mind she was deserving of all love and respect as my sons wife and I WAS going to love the meaness out of her, I would not go to her level, I was determained to bring her up to mine. (To be loving and kind)[/quote] Azizah are you sure you’re not a Muslim? ;-) “The good deed and the evil deed are not alike. Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and thee there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend”[41:34] |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| NinthMuharram |
| 08/08/03 at 07:07:29 |
| [slm] Ok, Anon, I prolly cannot give you any advice with your situation. Only Allah knows how it'll be difficult for my husband (who is also disable) to live with my disable mom who can be very difficult to live with. It can be physically and mentally challenging for those around her. But when it comes to dealing with other human being (relative or non relative), I asked Allah to make it easy for me. My cousin who is a mother, mother-in-law, grandmother has said this , "It is easier with our own mother because we can be honest, but with in-laws, we may keep things in our heart than be honest". |
| 08/09/03 at 09:57:11 |
| NinthMuharram |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| humble_muslim |
| 08/11/03 at 11:28:43 |
| AA Bro Sal, I beg to slightly differ here. Yes, Allah SWT tests us in many ways. And He says that He does not bear a burden greater than that which the soul cannot bear. But that does NOT mean that if people have problems with relatives, they should just adopt a "be patient" attitiude and do nothing about it. And one thing I have noticed amongst muslims in general, is that when a woman has a family problem the answer can always be "be patient", but when a man has a similar problem there is always a solution! A classic example of this came up on a VERY popular fatwa web site. A girl complained that her parents and brother were physically abusive with her, and she wanted to run away. The answer was "don't even think about it, you'll do the worst imaginable sin by disobeying your parents, just be patient, think of this as an illness, etc". Absouluetly no sympathy at all. I mean let's face it, relatives in general, including mothers-in-law CAN be hell (they aren't all like that of course). Yes we have ajar in the next world if we are patient, but Allah SWT did not put us on earth to suffer at the hands of mad relatives. Sis, here is my advice. Have a heart to heart with your husband. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. Tell him that his mother being his mother does not excuse her from doing haram things like stealing and lying. He should talk with her (in a nice manner of course) to explain the consequences in this life and the hereafter of her doing what she is doing. Just maybe talking to her like this may starighten her out. Hope this helps, and may Allah SWT make it easy for you. |
| NS |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| Fozia |
| 08/12/03 at 09:48:08 |
| [slm] Sr anon, it seems you have described my grandmother. When she first moved in with us she'd steal things like spoons and toothpaste etc and when my mother or aunt would say things like 'I'm sure there were more teaspoons in the house' she'd encourage her sons to laugh at their wives and accuse them of losing their minds, although my dad didn't fall for this, my uncle would be really horrible to his wife and it became like a joke when she'd ask about things that were going missing, everyone in her house would tell her she was going mad. But when it happened at our house my mother being super duper organised and with a slightly more rational family realised that my grandmother was stealing things, not because she needed them but to cause a stir... As some of the other posters have said try and include your mother in law, remember if she has nothing to do she will just do things that will upset you. However also speak to your husband and tell him you have right to your own space, where nobody is allowed to go, just to get away, or keep private things, and pray etc. All the other posters have given really good advice already, may I just add; that when I feel things are getting really bad in my life or if I find I have to put up with something I'd really rather not. I say a private prayer to Allah (SWT). I say, I will bite my tongue and keep from losing my temper as you have made anger haram, I do this solely for thee as I have submitted to your will, take this action of mine as an act of worship, take away my pain, or give me something better in return, give me your approval your mercy and love. Give me the strength of Iman to be a good wife, mother and daughter etc. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but I find it never hurts as bad when I share the pain with my Allah..... And if I can I pray nafl salat, that always helps even if I sob hysterically right the way through.... Good luck and you are in my duaas. Love & Duaas Wasalaam |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 08/12/03 at 18:35:15 |
| Assalamualaikum, I didn't know how to annonimously reply to the messege so I am replying here. First of all, JazakAllah for all your wonderful and needy advice. I feel so much better just knowing people are out there to listen and help out mashaAllah. Sis Azizah you said to love the meanness out of her. I never ever treated her in a negative way. Always still treat her like my own mother, but some of her actions hurt me so much. I always do things for her, take her out, buy her gifts and surprise her all the time. Nothing seems to work. She thinks that there is some other reason behind everything I do for her. It is true what Humble muslim says, I have an aunt who is 5 years older then me, and she always says, pray for patience but also pray for things to get better, because we are not here just to be patient while the world just tromples on us. Yes this is our jihad in life. My husband is a very wonderful and loving person Alhamdulillah. He is good with me and he is wonderful with his kids. He is the second eldest in his family, but since his father has died(4years ago) he has acted like the eldest and supported everyone in his family mashaAllah. I am very proud of him for what he does and how he cares for everyone. He will never go against his mother for anything, and I don't want him too either. I just want him to know that what I wrote is true. As long as he knows that much, his mother can do whatever she wants, I don't mind. But he will never admit that she does all these things no matter what, even if he knows its all true, and it hurts because that makes me look like a liar. He won't confront her because when this whole diary thing happened, she kept saying( I guess a form of threatening) that how hurt my husbands whole family will be if they find out what I have written. My husband said to me that if his whole family found out no one will ever talk to him or want to meet him and he could never bear that. So I told him, that I would apologize, but not because what I wrote was wrong, but just fot him, so he doesn't have to be cut off with his family. But he appreciated his mother for being back to normal the day after I apologized more then me apologizing to her for him. I feel like I am in a maze and there is no way out of this maze, all are dead ends. wasalaam |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| Caraj |
| 08/13/03 at 01:00:57 |
| Dear Sister Anon, I didn't think for a minute you were anything less that very respectful I too did nothing to make my daughter-in-laws be the way she was. Although at the time she had all the justifications. When I say, Love the meanesss out of a person, it is just the expression I use. It took me over 2 long years (They have been married almost 4 years) it was two very very long and hard years. It is hard to love totally a person who has not respect for you. I am just thankful it didn't take 5 or 10 or 15 years. And I times I thought I would never get through, like this maze with no end in sight as you mention. Many said I needed to put her in her place. I did, I put her in the place of my daughter and son's wife. Maybe she thinks you have a reason behind what you do, Tell her straight out THERE IS, you gave birth and raised my wonderful husband and I am so thankful to you for that, that is my reason. See what she says then. After all is that not why you do things, cause she is your husbands mom and it it the right thing to do? Because God wants it? Aren't these great reasons for being kind? I wish you well, I know what it is like to love someone who can act very unlovable. It is hard, but from your post I know you have it in you. Time and prayer Dear Sister, time and prayer. |
| Re: Need advice badly |
|---|
| panjul |
| 08/13/03 at 01:26:01 |
| [slm] they should just adopt a "be patient" attitiude and do nothing about it. And one thing I have noticed amongst muslims in general, is that when a woman has a family problem the answer can always be "be patient", but when a man has a similar problem there is always a solution *thank you* |
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board |