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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Caraj |
| 08/08/03 at 11:19:42 |
| After recieving a PM conversation with a sister on the board it made me think of a new post. (Like I need any ideas ::) as much as I talk :D ) Anyway, I told this sister, gosh, all these mother-in-law problems, she mentioned back about us here in the US maybe teaching folks a thing or two. But then I got to thinking how we can also learn from others as our society is getting to be the "We don't have to learn to get along they can get their own place" and "Let's throw the old folks in a home" and "We don't have to be respectful of in-laws, we'll just avoid them" Now believe it or not just this week I was listening to a radio station and they had a topic of the elderly and how to deal with parents when they get old. One caller, a man said "WELL, I already had this talk with my parents and the realize there will come a time when they will no longer be able to make their own choices" I had two thoughts run through my head. 1) WHAT AN IDIOT >:( 2) I better make sure I have enough money to have someone come in and help when I am older as I sure don't want my kids throwing me in a home. Funny how one momma can take care of 2, 3 ,4, 5 or even more babies But 2 or 3 or 4 or more kids can't take care of one momma :( This is kind of a double topic, but with a main theme Respect of our elders and elderly We in the US deal differently and don't allow in-laws to rule the roost, yet here in the US we are not as kind and considerate to in-laws and elderly relative. :'( Also I think part of our problem here is everyone wants their OWN space, yet in other countries people wish for their own space, Kind of a catch 22 situation. Own space.... more bills..... more stress..... not learning to get a long with others. OR less Private space (sharing living quarters with family)....less financial burden..learning to work and get along with others. hmmmmmmmmmmm ??? As to elderly, they didn't stick us in a home when we were helpless, why are we sticking them in homes when they are helpless??? What are your opinions, insights and thoughts on this? If anyone thinks this should be put into 2 different threads one in laws and one elderly please suggest it and I will. |
| 08/08/03 at 11:22:05 |
| Caraj |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| BroHanif |
| 08/08/03 at 11:35:45 |
| Salaams, [quote]But 2 or 3 or 4 or more kids can't take care of one momma [/quote] Word escape me to what I can say to this. May Allah give us all the real understanding of our parents and how we should look after them. *sigh*. Its a shame the way the world is heading. I reall feel that kids are missing out on their parents. To all read the book by Harun Yahya, The Solutions of the Quran. A real eye opener. Salaams Hanif |
| NS |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Trustworthy |
| 08/08/03 at 12:16:06 |
| [slm] It is said that Heaven lies under your mother's feet meaning she could be the reason why Allah (SWT) is merciful to letting you in Heaven. And Islamic law requires you to respect the elders....ALL OF THEM. In our culture, we take that to the extreme where our heads can't even be higher then theirs. That's going way too far in my not so humble opinion. But they do deserve our respect and our care. Without them, we would never be here so show some gratitude. They're not a nuissiance, c'mon. That's just BS. They deserve all the love and that's my humble opinion. Funny story...uhm...may be not.... I was working at a reitrement home as an LPN and I was doing my rounds when this lady (not very nice) was getting ready for bed. She wanted to eat jello before going to bed and that was not part of her diet so I offered her a fruit cup, no syrup. Ooooh she got mad. She was so mad that when she was yelling at me, her dentires flew shot across the room. Not kidding you. I held back my laugh and handed her dentures back. But she laughed and laughed about it and she apologized for getting that angry. I've never heard this lady laugh ever. But it was so sad for me to stay working there. Very seldom would someone come to visit. They were all my freinds. I would visit them and they would tell me amazing stories of their lives. Most of them have passed away now, but I still make an effort to visit the loving ppl in the home. Though I'm not related, they still share personal stories with me and then share about how they feel about their children not visiting as often as I do. Makes me sad all the time. It's just not right. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Maliha |
| 08/08/03 at 16:18:30 |
| [slm] A couple of thoughts from the Quran and Hadith on treatment of our parents: ( Surah Al-Isra': 17:23 ) And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. (Surah Luqman: 31:14 ) And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination. (Surah Al-Ahqaf: 46:15 ) And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship and she brings him forth with hardship, and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty (30) months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: "My Lord! Grant me the power and ability that I may be grateful for Your Favour which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I may do righteous good deeds, such as please You, and make my off-spring good. Truly, I have turned to You in repentance, and truly, I am one of the Muslims (submitting to Your Will)." Hadith: Narrated Abu Bakar: The Prophet said thrice, "Should I inform you out the greatest of the great sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "To join others in worship with Allah and to be undutiful to one's parents." The Prophet then sat up after he had been reclining (on a pillow) and said, "And I warn you against giving a false witness, and he kept on saying that warning till we thought he would not stop. (See Hadith No. 7, Vol. 8) There was one i can't find the exact narration:( but it goes something like the Rasul [saw] said "May his nose be rubbed in the dust!" (three times) and his companions asked "who should be humiliated in such a way?" The Rasul [saw] answered "the one who found both or one of his parents attain old age and did not serve them". Subhana Allah..if only we would invest teaching proper Islamic knowledge and practice to our children, then we wouldn't need to worry about no nursing home:) Sis, Maliha :-) [wlm] |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Kathy |
| 08/08/03 at 22:35:44 |
| [slm] There are many different issues that are involved when talking about inlaws. When we were speaking, I was not addressing the issue of respect to the elders, the respect parents deserve, or the issue of nursing homes. I was on a different level. The posts of late were about "meddelsome" inlaws. In laws that were interfering with the marriage of their children. In laws who felt that their way is the right way while their way is steeped so heavily in customs and not in Islam. This is what I was refering to. Generally, yes there are exceptions, American Inlaws are not as involved with their married children's lives in a dictatorship fashion. Many children (grown up children) still fear their parents and find it hard to do something that opposes their parents way...even if they know that the parent is wrong Islamically. Examples especially are in the search for marriage partners. Generally, Americans do not feel such pressure to the extant that the foreign children do. The other issue is te nursing home issue, which I feel I must address. Cara makes a poignant comment about the number of kids who won't take care of their mom. It is sad. Usually the burden always falls on one sibling while the rest run and take cover. This happened to me when I was in my twenties. No child or grand child would help take care of my grandmother, except me. The burden was too much. However I hung in there. She had severe alzhimers and I had to work full time. Who else would support us? She was a danger to herself and her home. With the medical coverage then, I was unable to get a part time nurse, but the coverage would include a nursing home. I was about at my wits end, and there was a trun of events. She fell while I was out to the store, and broke her hip. It was impossible for me to take care of her and work. The nursing home was the only solution that I had at the time. It was a painful, but realistic choice. So please do not judge the ones who made this choice...until you have been there. It is true that in America we have a throw away mentality of our elders. It is a pity and it is our loss. |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Caraj |
| 08/09/03 at 01:26:09 |
| [quote author=Kathy link=board=madrasa;num=1060352382;start=0#4 date=08/08/03 at 22:35:44] [slm] There are many different issues that are involved when talking about inlaws. When we were speaking, I was not addressing the issue of respect to the elders, the respect parents deserve, or the issue of nursing homes. I was on a different level. The posts of late were about "meddelsome" inlaws. In laws that were interfering with the marriage of their children. In laws who felt that their way is the right way while their way is steeped so heavily in customs and not in Islam..[/quote] and for that reason I said [quote author=azizah link=board=madrasa;num=1060352382;start=0#0 date=08/08/03 at 11:19:42]If anyone thinks this should be put into 2 different threads one in laws and one elderly please suggest it and I will.[/quote] As I mentioned earlier, maybe this should of been two posts. [quote author=Kathy link=board=madrasa;num=1060352382;start=0#4 date=08/08/03 at 22:35:44] [slm] This is what I was refering to. Generally, yes there are exceptions, American Inlaws are not as involved with their married children's lives in a dictatorship fashion. Many children (grown up children) still fear their parents and find it hard to do something that opposes their parents way...even if they know that the parent is wrong Islamically. Examples especially are in the search for marriage partners. Generally, Americans do not feel such pressure to the extant that the foreign children do. The other issue is te nursing home issue, which I feel I must address. Cara makes a poignant comment about the number of kids who won't take care of their mom. It is sad. Usually the burden always falls on one sibling while the rest run and take cover. This happened to me when I was in my twenties. No child or grand child would help take care of my grandmother, except me. The burden was too much. However I hung in there. She had severe alzhimers and I had to work full time. Who else would support us? She was a danger to herself and her home. With the medical coverage then, I was unable to get a part time nurse, but the coverage would include a nursing home. I was about at my wits end, and there was a trun of events. She fell while I was out to the store, and broke her hip. It was impossible for me to take care of her and work. The nursing home was the only solution that I had at the time. It was a painful, but realistic choice. So please do not judge the ones who made this choice...until you have been there. It is true that in America we have a throw away mentality of our elders. It is a pity and it is our loss. [/quote] Many different situations, I worked for a while in an adult family home, for those who do not know what that is, it is a private home where they take elderly, some take mentally ill in, different ones, anyway this provides a home atmosphere instead of a nursing type home. I cared for 6 people, cooking and cleaning and all by myself on my shift. (24 hour shifts) 1 to 6 ratio and only one of the six did not have her witts about her, they were placed there cause the family didn't want to or could not take care of them. But there was no dementia, alzhiemers. They were as alert and aware as you and I and they also could walk themselves to the kitchen and living room, so why were they there??? Sure they needed help like I had to help all of them take showers, Was a sad thing. I bet that was a very painful situation for you, it's a shame there was no one to pitch in and help you. hmmmmmmmm (sigh) well I hope I did not come across wrong in any way and maybe this really did need to be 2 seperate posts. Tell you what though, I am going to work my 'you know what off' so no one has to deal with me when I am old. Sadly if I am right about my kids, my tail will be in a nursing home (they are not bad boys, they are just modern day guys) if I become a burden, best I plan for it now. T |
| 08/09/03 at 01:29:19 |
| Caraj |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/09/03 at 03:01:13 |
| In the finality our actions follow the following pattern: A few Sterotypes for you eye opening: a) Parents are Stupid, we are of the new age. b) Parents are irritant aginst the free world c) Parents are meddlesome d) Our misfortune is due to our parents and the poor childhood they provided. e) Parents should take care of themselves, like self healing batteries f) Parents are like a bench in the park. They just stay there till they fade away. g) The greatest enemy to a wife is her in laws. h) Mother in Law (far)at bay keeps the doctor away i) Men are mythical creatures who are mesmemrised by two things - Their Wife(s) - Their Mothers One of them who wins, wins the game. j) There is only one good mother-in-law, the dead mother-in-law k) Current daughter-in-law's will *never* become a future motherinlaw l) The aged don't have the mind of their own, they are scheming foxes. m) Alzheimers is a fancy sounding disease, I will never be affected by that. o) Husbands are basically secret agents of their mother-in-laws p) Mother-in-laws basically use black magic and vodoo dolls on the poor daughter-in-law q) Daughter-in-laws are always vulnerable. etc....etc....etc..... Most of the discussions have been mother-in-law bashing. Justice has two sides, so does a coin. By villifying the mother-in-law do the muslimas in this board believe that they are not going to be a mother-in-law someday? Just like Bush Bashing, in laws bashing is a favourite for us. The time is short, if you can take care of your parents without treating them like a piece of old laundry we can expect some kind of Mercy from Allah. Otherwise we can only expect......... You can fill in the rest. -- Seeking Mahagony |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Kathy |
| 08/09/03 at 10:42:22 |
| [slm] I must not have read the posts you have. I have not seen any in law bashing. In fact just the opposite. I am reading posts from Muslimahs who are having a tough time pleasing their mothers in law and are looking for advice to help them succeed at this. It would be like an ostrich head in the sand, if we deny that some parents are often steeped into their societal roles and may not have their childrens interests at heart when choosing or accepting a mate for them. I can not tell you how many posts there have been on this board of parents not accepting a mate because of culture, color, riches, and ethniticity. There are wonderful mother in laws out there. Insha Allah I will be one. However I do know, unintentially, I made a few mistakes with my younger brother and his wife ( by age and lack of parent- I was a mother in law to her) So although my intention was good...I stepped on her toes. The difference is ... I realized it and stepped back. Alot of mother in laws can't. There is a wealth of knowledge in them. When mine came to visit... I learned so much.... but it was not any easy visit. I am a strong, self assured woman who, due to age difference in my marriage, was not a young'in bride. I can only imagine how hard it is for a new young bride. What bothers me about Anon's post is that I find most of the comments are not accurate for the Muslim family structure. They are the exception and not the rule. Generally when some one posts a "complaint" it has merit. I don't believe they are bashing. ;)Exception being when we are having a bit of fun... but you can tell those posts by all the smilies and winks! Just recently I posted a tounge in cheek post about women and their criteria for men... it was a cute little ditty. One brother wrote that he was offended by it. After we corresponded all was well. When reading posts you will see few of us, very few, actually do any bashing at all. |
| 08/09/03 at 10:50:32 |
| Kathy |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/09/03 at 13:54:21 |
| [quote] I must not have read the posts you have. ....................................... Generally when some one posts a "complaint" it has merit. I don't believe they are bashing. [/quote] True? "compliaint" = "Rant" = "one side of the story" Aren't daughter-in-laws capable of making their mother-in-laws miserable. Wouldn't you agree? Its a dual edged swords, works both ways. In the media we complain that there is only one sided news against muslims,here its the mother-in-laws. Whats the difference? you decide. |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Caraj |
| 08/09/03 at 14:54:59 |
| hmmmmmmm (sigh) Just me looking in while sipping hot tea in between the Vet's appt (dog problems) and the baby shower :P I agree with Kathy, I see pleas for advice and help not bashing. Yes there are two sides to the story, however (although not in my case, as my daughter-in-law took the lead and kept me in my place) some mother-in-laws can be quite the boss. I have always tried by love and patience to bring someone to my level than to be mean in return and stoop to their level. HOWEVER, I would draw the line when one steals my private items, goes and finds and reads my diary and tries to put my husband against me (to an extent) But I am first big on trying to what I call, 'Love the meaness out of them' After learning about Islam and their commitment to family and respect (all the way around, not just for some) I find TRUE Islam, can teach the world a thing or two. Gotta go, this really should be 2 different threads, but in-laws and elderly = respect of those older than us, oh well, I am off to the baby shower, 5 more weeks to being a Grandma ;D |
| Re: In-Laws, Out-laws and the eldery |
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| Trustworthy |
| 08/09/03 at 14:57:36 |
| [slm] Ok. It does go both ways. I know some daughter in laws are ridiculous to that fact and I know some mother in laws who are the same. They fight over territory of the house and of the husband/son. There are elders who have no choice but to be in a nursing home with 24/7 care. Sometimes it's the best. Choose your homes carefully. The blame is not on those kind of situations, the blame is on those who have the time and the needs to care for their parents but choose not too b/c of whatever. The blame goes to those who put their parent in a home for whatever reason good or bad that after they drop them off, that's it. They won't come again for the next 6 mos to a year. Point is treatment of each other with mutual respect is what is needed between all of us in laws, youth and elder. But b/c we know better then we should know better. Show your parents respect. Show your mom-in-law respect even if you think she does not deserve it. Who/What's it gonna hurt? Allahu Alim. Ma-asalaama.... |
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