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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Meaninglessness |
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| UmmWafi |
| 08/11/03 at 01:34:32 |
| [slm] [i]Events of these past few days have set me thinking about a time so long ago that I have well nigh forgotten and banished to the recesses of my mind. I sit here and I ask myself how I could ever reconcile my conscience and how I could ever explain my neglect. Oh how ineffective these helpless tears are in assuaging the guilt overwhelming the peace of my mind. How puny my cries of repentance for all the sins. How could I ? In the beginning of Creation, The All Mighty Allah asked me, "Am I not your Lord ? ". Oh how wretched I am for I failed to even begin to comprehend what He was asking of me. I failed to understand the meaning of God in its totality. I found myself feeling happy when the occasional praises were thrown at me. Indeed, did I not think to offer Hm praises instead ? Did I not know that the happiness I felt was ill-gotten ? For indeed all that is good was never from me. How can steal credit for an act that I never initiated. How dared I feel the power to effect things. Is He not my Lord ? Is He not the Supreme Being who owns every breath that flows its way of life through me ? Is He not the One who Owns my very soul, the essence of me existing here and now ? How could I have forgotten that I am nothing but His slave ? In the deepest of my being, I rebelled. Not knowing who I truly was, I yearned for freedom. Hah, freedom indeed. A yearning for something I dont even understand. How despicable ! I yearned to be free from the safety of Allah's Embrace. I yearned to be free from the Beauty of His Love. I yearned to be free from the sight of His Wisdom. Freedom indeed...to what ? To the whisperings of shaytaan, na'udzubillah...... How small I must seem to His Angels. This pathetic and insignificant being, created from nothing. Should I also return to Him in nothingness ? What was my reply ? I made a covenant with Him. I said Yea ! What a wretched creature I am. I made a promise I wasn't keeping. I said Yea to be His servant and I ran away from my duties. I said Yea to place all my happiness in Him but I sought happiness that are merely disguises for tragedies. I pretended not to hear the cries of my soul writhing in misery. I deafened my ears to the pleas of my mind to return to His Path. I failed to notice that the air was ashamed to enter into me for my life wasn't worth sustaining. I was truly lost. and for a very long time, the echoes of my Yea was drowned by the constant droning of Iblis instigations. I am a broken soul. Blackened to the point of non-recognition. I stare at myself in the mirror and I don't see me. I don't see anything. I see meaninglessness. I see a gaping pool of void in the vacant stare of my glazed sight. I broke my covenant. I forgot that indeed He is my Lord. Still, somewhere deep in my inner self I could still make out the faint echoes of my Yea. All is still not lost. With renewed strength I closed my shuttered eyes and whisper brokenly "Laa Illaha Ilallah wa Muhammad ar-Rasulullah". A torrent of emotions swept over me. A flood of guilt and repentance that I stemed all those years washed over me, leaving me with a body wracked with shame. I tried to swallow gulps of air but I only tasted the futility of my life. I throw my hands around me, desperately seeking that comfort I have so longed for but searched in the wrong places. I was a desperate person, drowning and drowning and not knowing my fate, not knowing if I will fall into this bottomless pit of condemnation or will I be washed onto the shores of forgiveness. His Forgiveness. I clawed harder, vainly thinking that I could still change the tides. Ya Rabbiy, please forgive me. I chanted that litany while I thrashed about wildly, looking, hoping, desperately begging...for salvation. The small echoes within grew in crescendo, spiraling and spiraling, tearing through the layers of sins lining my soul. With a superhuman effort born of deepest regret, I shouted out loud "Yea! Indeed You are my Lord". I collapsed in a heap. A shell of what I was. What I could have been. A shell of who I am. I was too exhausted. Not wanting to continue with existence and yet not daring to meet my Lord....for I am not deserving of even the scent of Jannah. Amidst the darkened pile of my wreck, a gentle breeze blew, bringing with it the promise of salvation. It was soft at first but gradually the breeze twirled its promise of tomorrow around my beaten soul. I feel, I begin to truly feel. I felt the amazing warmth and magnificence of His Love. He is my Lord and He is Here and Now and for Eternity. For the first time in my life, I tasted freedom. And freedom is surrendering my self, my soul, my whole being to His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy. Life has a new purpose now. begotten from knowledge. Life is not abt me lamenting lost loves but abt me revelling in the True Love. Life is not abt looking for meaning but abt knowing that Allah means everything and anything to me. Life is abt picking up the fragmented remainders of my worldly life before I have to stand ashamed before Him and account for the way I fulfilled my Covenance. I am truly Blessed, Alhamdulillah.[/i] |
| Re: Meaninglessness |
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| Maliha |
| 08/11/03 at 06:59:31 |
| [slm] Dearest sis Ummwafi, The beauty with which you describe this heart wrenching struggle, and the ultimate end laced with thoughts of gratitude for His Rahma, the still breezes of respite that find their way in and out of our souls...the reminder...the gentleness that caresses the wounds of our souls, a healing from above...is the sweetness I needed to seep into my soul after a night of such darkness, and dawn filled with such constriction... Just last night, thoughts of Deen's post, about the Muslim youth, haunted my being. I lay there reflecting on my wasted years, relative to what our predecessors were able to accomplish at such a tender age. I thought of the zealousness of Ali (RA), at the budding age of 10...i reflected on the forebearance and bitter sweet struggle of Fatima as she wept for her father's [saw] blood, sweat, and tears...as she trudged on the path filled with such hardship, articulating a patience and gratitude of being I can not begin to conceive...out of the mercy of her womb emerged the two brightest stars with which she left this fleeting world and joyfully joined her Beloved Rasul [saw] at the tender age of 29....I reflected on the great hieghts that trekked historical Jihad Missions, expanding the realm of Islam, illuminating the world, the pioneers who led armies at the age of 18, 20, etc. I thought about the young *men* who tried to hide their ages out of the sincere resolve to fight and die in the cause of Islam...at the ages of 17... I thought of today's youth and the trifling shallowness with which they wallow in... I wept over my dead past writhing in the stench of apathy and misplaced dreams, love, struggles....a casually discarded life. I reflected on 25 years of nothingness...and wondered how many more Allah will Grace me with, and how much of that will I carry with me to the grave? I woke up this fajr with such a tightness in my chest...for my nightmares never really dissipated... i needed to read what you wrote...as much as i yearned for that Merciful rain to resuccissate my battered being this morning...i needed to hear those same fears, struggles, regrets, and yearning articulated by another soul...thousands of miles away... delivered to soothe this despondence within. Jazaki Allahu Khayran my sunshine, May Allah heal our Quloob, and return us to Him with Tranquil Souls...May Allah purify us from the elements that attach us to the mud and dirt of this dunya, May He elevate us to the heights of our predecessors and give us a taste of that healing sweetness in this Dunya and the delightful bliss of finally gazing into His Beloved Face in adoration and eternal gratitude (Amin). you are in my duahs. Love ya Feesabillillah, Sis :-), Maliha |
| 08/11/03 at 07:01:09 |
| Maliha |
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