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| A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| jannah |
| 08/18/03 at 19:38:50 |
| I'm really not sure what she's so upset about... Having your parents pick out a row of guys that you then meet 5 -6 times and then choose the one that you like to marry sounds pretty good to me! What's the difference between that and dating really? - J. ------------------------------------------------------ By Sabaa Saleem Washington Post Sunday, August 17, 2003; Page B01 In spite of myself, I think I may agree to an arranged marriage. Beginning next month, my parents will contact Muslim family friends around the world with a list of criteria for a husband: a twentysomething, classically handsome, Urdu-speaking Muslim man who is 6 feet tall, with an MD and MBA, as well as a PhD in something respectable like molecular toxicology. He must have a good sense of family and a financial portfolio fat enough to take care of the next 15 generations. My parents will screen the candidates, and after I graduate from college next spring, they will introduce me to the few they deem best. Ultimately, the lucky man will have to pass my own stringent test: Does he own every Radiohead album and listen to them regularly? Like so many other young South Asians in America, I am the product of two cultures whose conflicting values pull at me with equal urgency. Never have I felt as torn between the two as I do about the question of marriage. I have been a Californian for all but the first year of my life, when my family lived in Britain, where I was born. I grew up in a small town in the Mojave Desert where conservative Republicans were as common as cacti. Inexplicably, I grew up liberal and a feminist. My mother and father were born and raised in Pakistan, where religion is entrenched in the culture and the culture is explicitly unyielding. Though they left family and comfort decades ago for opportunity in the West, they brought strong religious faith and cultural expectations with them -- and tried to instill sobriety and respect in my two older brothers and me. They have more or less succeeded, but they have also endured nearly 30 years of our stubborn refusal to conform. They have grudgingly accepted that, while respectful, their children are also independent, maybe even eccentric -- qualities not admired by most traditional Pakistanis. My parents would casually joke about my marriage while I was growing up. I was uneasy about it, but it seemed so far off that it was easy for me to laugh it off. "When pigs fly!" I'd say, and change the subject. Now, almost everyone I know -- friends, teachers, co-workers -- expects me, as a child of the West, to reject the notion of arranged marriage, to proclaim my independence loudly. Sometimes, I still expect that, too. But as a young Muslim woman, I also expect myself to accept the obligations I have as my parents' daughter -- regardless of the emotional cost to me. Pakistani culture and Islam beckon me with security, familiarity and ease. By agreeing to an arranged marriage, I could more easily satisfy my religious obligation to abstain from intimacy with the opposite sex until marriage -- not an easy feat, may I say. I would be participating in the ceremony of a culture 11,000 miles removed, a ceremony I've witnessed only twice. By doing so, I could spare my parents the stinging criticism they would face if their daughter chose her own path: barbs from three generations of extended family, all of whom accepted their own arranged marriages without argument -- and some of whom complain about them to this day. At the same time, Pakistani culture repels me with its expectation that I adhere to a tradition that essentially advocates handing me over to a man for safekeeping. From the endless gossip of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, I know the courtship ritual well. I will briefly meet my parents' choices and pick those who interest me. With each man, after perhaps a month of chaperoned dating, phone calls, no physical contact and little understanding of whether we would mesh, I am supposed to decide whether to marry him. In the end, the decision will be mine. My parents would never force me to marry a particular man. But they do expect me not to dawdle. Ideally, I should make a decision after no more than five or six meetings. I am supposed to pick a husband, accept my fate and hope the marriage is successful. Our engagement would likely last a year or two, during which we would get to know each other better -- and maybe even grow fond of each other. (Breaking it off at that point would be possible, but that would reflect badly on me and on my family and would represent time wasted.) Still, I worry that my filial piety could lead me down an empty road -- where independent minds and hearts are given up to the demands of a culture that I often find perplexing. I am not alone in this struggle. My oldest brother and I have mulled over the marriage question for hours and hours. My other brother, the middle child and black sheep of the family, long ago informed our parents that there would be no arranged marriage for him -- in fact, there probably wouldn't be a marriage at all. My parents hope he'll come to his senses. And though their oldest child is 29 -- marrying age for men in Pakistan -- my parents accept his excuse that he's just not ready. Maybe they focus less on him because my father was 31 when he married. Whatever the reason, until I get married, my parents' eyes are on me. Their priorities for me are that I get a bachelor's degree and marry -- in that order. Thus, I decided to take an honors thesis class last year to postpone my graduation until next March, when UCLA will have to forcibly boot me out. I am searching for ways to extend my school days so that I can put off the marriage decision again. I have to admit, I'm beginning to feel a creeping sense of desperation because I was imbued with a sense of skepticism toward anything that is overly reliant on tradition rather than reason. But my skepticism is outweighed by an obligation to my mother and father, and to their happiness. My parents are not evil people who have kept me in a box my whole life, bent on handing me over to a man who will do the same. They've always treated me with love and respect and showed trust in my judgment. And the rules they applied to me when I was younger have remained a part of me, even when I have not wanted them to. For example, my parents never allowed me to date and generally frowned any on male friendships. Dating leads to intimacy, which would be out of the question. In high school, I was far quieter than I am now, and a tight curfew ensured my good behavior. But the coed dorms, parties and freedom of college have presented a moral dilemma for me. I did not want to disappoint my parents. So I developed a complex method of discouraging in myself behavior that they, and Islam, would consider deviant. When I thought someone was about to ask me out, I used the idea that I wasn't sure about my sexuality as a ruse to get him to keep his distance. Or I ran off, claiming an appointment. But after four years of these tactics -- which have not failed me yet -- I find it harder to convince others, and myself, that I'm not interested. Then I think of my parents and their leniency over the years and I stop having the conversation with myself in which I have doubts. Despite their strict upbringing, my parents do not ask me to wear the Islamic head cover. They did not insist that I attend a local college and continue to live at home, as many Muslim girls do. They do not admonish me when I stay out late, and they only occasionally flare up at my decision to forgo medicine for journalism. They remind me to eat and sleep and worry less about grades and career, and, they encourage me to attend concerts and enjoy my youth. My parents have given me every opportunity for happiness. And I know that their happiness depends on fulfilling their responsibilities as good Muslim parents. They must see their children married to other Muslims of whom they approve. That took on a new urgency last January when my father, who has a bad heart, also had a stroke. A religious man, he now even more adamantly believes it is his duty to secure my spiritual well-being in whatever time he has left. If he succeeds in marrying me well, ideally to a Muslim from a good Pakistani family, then my soul will be at peace in the afterlife. Moreover, he will be enabling me to follow the rules set out by Islam -- to respect my parents' wishes, to start a family and to hand down my religious morals to my children. That holds nearly as much weight as performing his five daily prayers. For him, my marriage would be the crowning achievement in a life nearly complete. I worry that, if his health deteriorates further and I am not married, I will be the cause of his having an incomplete life. Similarly, my mother doesn't believe she can perform the pilgrimage to Mecca -- of paramount importance to even moderately devout Muslims -- with a clear conscience until I am married. If I refused to get married, my parents would be brokenhearted and confused. Like any child close to her parents, I could not watch them suffer. And so I find myself defending arranged marriage against those who see it as absurd or even barbaric. Yet I'm disturbed by the doubt these critics instill in me. My fifth year of college buys me more time to resolve my career insecurities. But if I can't even decide between writing or editing, philanthropy or graduate school, how can I commit myself to a man I'll know so little about? Beyond my parents' requirements, there are traits I need in the man I marry that cannot be discerned from a few meetings. Will he be able to hold his own in a discussion with me? Will he calmly accept that I will be at least a half-hour late to any important event? Will he make fun of Bollywood films with me? If we marry, it will no doubt be for life. Muslims accept divorce, but usually as a last resort, and many Pakistanis, including my extended family, see divorce as an escape for the weak-willed. And is it selfish and idealistic to want "true love"? My American instincts tell me that love comes before marriage, not a few years after -- if I am lucky. Like a lot of South Asians raised in the United States, I hope for a "love-match" -- where parents accept the Muslim their child has met on her own and has decided to marry. My parents have said that this route would please them most, because it would be a compromise between their ideals and mine. A month ago, I asked my mother about her determination to have me married soon, especially when her own marriage at 21 took her to London, away from the world she knew, preventing her from pursuing a career and establishing her independence. She said, "Do you think I want to you to leave us -- to have a man at the center of your life? Maybe even to go away? I want my daughter close to me always, but this is my duty; I don't have a choice -- I can't be selfish. I have to let you go." That day, I decided I would have an arranged marriage. But now, I marvel at how quickly the summer has passed. I feel like hyperventilating when I think how quickly spring will come, and engagement and marriage will follow. I fantasize about ways to scare off suitors (bringing sock puppets to our first meeting, perhaps?). Briefly, I resolve to put off marriage, for a few years at least. But then I think of my parents' anguish if I refuse to honor their wishes -- I think of my father and the shadowy road ahead of him -- and of how empty I will feel. And I wonder, if I have one foot in each world, is it possible to keep from being torn apart? |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| IMuslim_4Ever |
| 08/18/03 at 20:05:09 |
| [slm] Thank you for the post... atleast the West will learn that lots of Muslim girls are not forced to marry a strange guy...there are procedures that they need to go through... Allahu Alam (Allah knows the Best) [wlm] |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/18/03 at 20:37:46 |
| [quote author=jannah link=board=ummah;num=1061246331;start=0#0 date=08/18/03 at 19:38:50]I'm really not sure what she's so upset about... Having your parents pick out a row of guys that you then meet 5 -6 times and then choose the one that you like to marry sounds pretty good to me! What's the difference between that and dating really? - J.[/quote] there are differences:[list][*]dating can go on for years [*]dates can be based on lies (or showing only the attractive bit about oneself), but with time the defences come down & the real person can be perceived. [*]those brought up in the liberal Western tradition do expect to find love before marriage. It is cultural conditioning[/list] i am not advocating it, just answering your question. It does seem reasonable to know someone more in detail before the commitment of marriage. or else, the parties must have demonstrated the qualities of adjustment. plus give some thought to what the writer of the article is saying: [quote]At the same time, Pakistani culture repels me with its expectation that I adhere to a tradition that essentially advocates handing me over to a man for safekeeping.[/quote]& the Islamic outlook says just the same. This would be rejected by a woman brought up in a liberal culture (Californian) which equates man & woman. *** mine was an arranged marriage, & although i had been independent all my life, i accepted this. it's a wonder that it is so successful. I had been away from my family from age 17, & i married at 32. My mother knew my wife much better than she knows me. My wife being a classmate of my sister. & I think my mother got me wrong, but got the right girl for me. It worked out because i am easygoing & a liberal at heart, while my wife has made a lot of sacrifices. I have been very lucky, I must say. can't say the same about my wife :) |
| 08/18/03 at 23:14:53 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| Maliha |
| 08/18/03 at 21:01:20 |
| [slm] A couple things I was reading and reflecting on...hmmm..i wonder why we have *such* issues in our Muslim Communities...this article is such a good reflection...a couple of points: [quote] Beginning next month, my parents will contact Muslim family friends around the world with a list of criteria for a husband: a twentysomething, classically handsome, Urdu-speaking Muslim man who is 6 feet tall, with an MD and MBA, as well as a PhD in something respectable like molecular toxicology. He must have a good sense of family and a financial portfolio fat enough to take care of the next 15 generations. My parents will screen the candidates, and after I graduate from college next spring, they will introduce me to the few they deem best. Ultimately, the lucky man will have to pass my own stringent test: Does he own every Radiohead album and listen to them regularly? [/quote] Where is Islam/Deen in that criteria??! I mean we wonder about the breakdown of the Muslim family, when people are getting together on such wack lists! Radiohead albums??!!! What happened to Sudaisi's collection or El Fasy's etc? Subhana Allah...May Allah guide us into what's concrete and *real* in this life. [quote] At the same time, Pakistani culture repels me with its expectation that I adhere to a tradition that essentially advocates handing me over to a man for safekeeping. From the endless gossip of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, I know the courtship ritual well. I will briefly meet my parents' choices and pick those who interest me. With each man, after perhaps a month of chaperoned dating, phone calls, no physical contact and little understanding of whether we would mesh, I am supposed to decide whether to marry him. [/quote] it doesn't really seem like she knows the difference between Culture and Religion...a sad blurring of our times :( [quote] Still, I worry that my filial piety could lead me down an empty road -- where independent minds and hearts are given up to the demands of a culture that I often find perplexing. [/quote] this is the result of not understanding the basic paradigm of our existence...what's so empty about the road of Islam? of uprightness? of Knowing who you are based on Allah's Divine law? The path of which we *use* our independent minds and hearts to subjugate our wills to Allah alone? And choosing the partners that will enhance our spiritual beings, and elevate us all the way to Jannah? She claims to be a feminist, but a true "liberated" woman would not want to go down the path of being used and abused by a man's whims and desires...a path of being objectified, a path of so called "being in love" and the passion that will ultimately fizzle out, leaving behind empty hearts and shattered dreams...take a look at any given "love" relationship and see how long it lasts. If the couple even get married to begin with, most people break up after 3-5 years of wasted existences, and when they do get married they live in the bitter squalors of their illusionary "love" union... [quote] Then I think of my parents and their leniency over the years and I stop having the conversation with myself in which I have doubts. Despite their strict upbringing, my parents do not ask me to wear the Islamic head cover. They did not insist that I attend a local college and continue to live at home, as many Muslim girls do. They do not admonish me when I stay out late, and they only occasionally flare up at my decision to forgo medicine for journalism. They remind me to eat and sleep and worry less about grades and career, and, they encourage me to attend concerts and enjoy my youth. [/quote] I think the answer to most of the messed up youth out there lies in this statement. When parents do not uphold their responsibility to raise their children and instill Islamic values and Tarbiyya in them, the end result is a "lost" generation, of kids confused between wanting to be like "the rest of them" and pleasing their parents based not on Islam, and set principles, but on what they think is "tradition", "unreasonable", "backward", etc. It is sad, pathetic even compared to where our predecessors were at our own ages :( [quote] My parents have given me every opportunity for happiness. And I know that their happiness depends on fulfilling their responsibilities as good Muslim parents. They must see their children married to other Muslims of whom they approve. [/quote] So the ultimate "success" of a Muslim family, is marrying their daughter to a "good" Muslim guy (based on 6 ft, MBA, PhD, etc??!) [quote] And is it selfish and idealistic to want "true love"? My American instincts tell me that love comes before marriage, not a few years after -- if I am lucky. Like a lot of South Asians raised in the United States, I hope for a "love-match" -- where parents accept the Muslim their child has met on her own and has decided to marry. My parents have said that this route would please them most, because it would be a compromise between their ideals and mine. [/quote] Subhana Allah, so her parents are encouraging her to fornicate???! What's true love? someone please hand me the dictionary... [i]I wonder why in the first place Washington post decided to publish this..i wonder if I wrote an article about True Relationships in Islam, would it be given the "air Time"...is this part of our Values "clarification"...This is exactly what the "west" demands of us now...so called "moderation", creating a confused generation mimicking their own confusion and darkness. It just really breaks my heart to see how much of the society's filth we have managed to incorporate in the dredges of our existences. Just like the "Hi" Magazine that's now being sold in the Muslim world (sponsored and tailored by the state department), propaganda designed to instill the love of kufr in the impressionable hearts of our youth...and ensure we forever remain shackled and subjugated to our passions, our oppressors, anything but our true destiny....(this is really the best way to nip Mujahideen in the bud)...I just pray that we really wake up...before it's too late... :([/i] If I managed to offend anyone please forgive me. Sis, Maliha [wlm] |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| panjul |
| 08/18/03 at 23:58:25 |
| [slm] I used the idea that I wasn't sure about my sexuality as a ruse to get him to keep his distance. Why can't she just tell him the truth: I dont' date becasue of my religious values? ::) |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| jaihoon |
| 08/19/03 at 00:15:56 |
| [slm] i think she is confused. or say id crisis. Like they say... na des ka, na pardes ka ;) |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/19/03 at 02:23:41 |
| [slm] i agree with much of sister Mystic, but one point is going too far: [quote author=Mystic link=board=ummah;num=1061246331;start=0#3 date=08/18/03 at 21:01:20] Subhana Allah, so her parents are encouraging her to fornicate???! What's true love? someone please hand me the dictionary...[/quote] From Sabaa's article, i don't think her parents allowance goes to that extreme. [quote][i]I wonder why in the first place Washington post decided to publish this..i wonder if I wrote an article about True Relationships in Islam, would it be given the "air Time"...is this part of our Values "clarification"...This is exactly what the "west" demands of us now...so called "moderation", creating a confused generation mimicking their own confusion and darkness. It just really breaks my heart to see how much of the society's filth we have managed to incorporate in the dredges of our existences. Just like the "Hi" Magazine that's now being sold in the Muslim world (sponsored and tailored by the state department), propaganda designed to instill the love of kufr in the impressionable hearts of our youth...and ensure we forever remain shackled and subjugated to our passions, our oppressors, anything but our true destiny....(this is really the best way to nip Mujahideen in the bud)...I just pray that we really wake up...before it's too late... :([/i][/quote] sis, why don't you try to give the alternative view. It may get publicity enough, & show the impressionable youngsters the Truth. |
| 08/19/03 at 02:25:16 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| sofia |
| 08/19/03 at 11:04:46 |
| [slm] "But as a young Muslim woman, I also expect myself to accept the obligations I have as my parents' daughter -- regardless of the emotional cost to me." "By agreeing to an arranged marriage, I could more easily satisfy my religious obligation..." "Still, I worry that my filial piety could lead me down an empty road..." "And I wonder, if I have one foot in each world, is it possible to keep from being torn apart?" No wonder the Washington Post printed it; they'll probably even want to hire her as a journalist, she's already interning there. Could have easily replaced her name and it'd be the same article I read not long ago in the NY Times about a Hindu girl accepting arranged marriage. I don't blame Sabaa completely, since Pakistani culture is unfortunately entwined with Hindu culture, at times, esp. when it comes to a girl and marriage and parents. And brother timbuktu has a good point, too. I just hope that if Sabaa continues to write, she also continues to increase her knowledge in Islaam, insha'Allah. At least to be able to differentiate between Islaam and culture, and Islaam from Hinduism. Insha'Allah. I think I'll try to write to her...actually, sis UmmWafi or Mystic or Jannah or Se7en etc, you may actually do a much better job. Here's her address: saleems@washpost.com The only reason I've printed her address, is because she will be the "voice" of Muslim women, like it or not (she is going into journalism). There may be someone who can eloquently suggest better ways of representing Islaam and differentiating it from culture. I didn't post her email so everyone could write to berate her. Please don't; true da'wah requires hikmah, which is why I'm hesitating myself. Jazaakum Allahu khair. |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| jannah |
| 08/19/03 at 14:26:35 |
| [wlm] I think like alot of second generation Muslims in the US her parents have force-fed her culture and religion intertwined and she really can't distinguish between the two. Hence, when the culture is hypocritical or unagreeable and she doesn't understand the guidelines in deen she'll throw out both eventually. Someone should ideally have a conversation with her saying that the Islamic guidelines are very simple. One has limited interaction with the opposite sex for the greater good of society. For marriage, the family is informed for the safety of the sister and the couple is allowed to meet/discuss as many times as they need to to various issues until they come to a decision. She still has all the independence and control she wants. There is no Islamic rule about getting married as soon as you are done with school. There's no rule about the type of guy you "have" to marry ie with degrees and hobbies completely different from your own. And so on. This should be a lesson to us not to mix our culture with islam when teaching our children or anyone else for that matter. |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| Trustworthy |
| 08/19/03 at 16:24:10 |
| [slm] Speaking of being religious, I think her judgements sway more to the cultural side of the West when her dilemma is from the cultural aspect of the East. Her parents don't inlcude religion as a criteria when looking for a potential husband and neither does she. This article speaks nothing of religion therefore has nothing to do with being a Muslim woman. May be a Pakistani woman (meaning culturally b/c I know some Pakistanis who aren't Muslim.) Though she mentions Islam and that she is Muslim nothing she refers to is Islamic to the least. That's my 2 cents worth. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| AyeshaZ |
| 08/22/03 at 22:23:11 |
| [quote author=Trustworthy link=board=ummah;num=1061246331;start=0#9 date=08/19/03 at 16:24:10] [slm] This article speaks nothing of religion therefore has nothing to do with being a Muslim woman. May be a Pakistani woman (meaning culturally b/c I know some Pakistanis who aren't Muslim.) Ma-asalaama....[/quote] Yeah, that is *exactly* why we see it in WP.. sorry can't help being cynical after reading stuff like this! |
| Re: A Proposal I Never Thought I'd Consider |
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| faisalsb |
| 08/24/03 at 15:32:27 |
| [slm] Well there is a lot of stuff going on against Pakis on the board I hope it's not part of any organized compaign since I know there are some Indians on the board also ......... :) (Just kidding) I think sister Turstworthy has summarised the article very well actually what writter is talking about is HYPOCRISY which is cultural cum religious. That is part of subcontinent culture if we look at history of that region we come to know the region is known for traitors. That's the reason most of the time outsiders have ruled local people of the region apart from last 50-60 years. Some people say it's due the ancient religion what most of the people still believe in since the religion itself is based on discrimination. And the discrimination is based on complex cast system defined by the religion. Regardless of whatever the reasons are behind that behavior it's true that hypocrisy is the major problem of that society. That's the reason we see it's reflection even in so called religious or practicing muslims. We are very good muslim as long as it's concerning praying togather, fasting, going to haj etc but when it comes to marriage then the girl or boy must be chatha, cheema, Butt, urdu speaking, pathan etc the worst part of the problem is we give priority to cast over Islam. Things are changing hopefully one day we will see completely transformed society. |
| 08/24/03 at 15:34:15 |
| faisalsb |
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