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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Family [problems] |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/05/03 at 02:22:19 |
| salam i dont mean 2 sound rude in this post but i'm just finding it really hard 2 keep it all in. i started practising a couple of yrs ago alhamdulilah praying and wearing the scarf and jilbaab and everything. my mum and dad said they were happy at first, then realised i prayed on time as priority and wore the scarf in front of ppl they said were my "brothers"/"uncles". they didnt like me going 2 circles and stuff cos it was extremist. well my mom was sort of ok, she doesnt always agree with me but at least she usually respects my views. my dad is really obnoxious about it though. he doesnt pray or anything, and he hates the scarf. i thought well im supposed 2 please Allah first right? and i tried 2 just keep quiet and avoid confronting him about anything. but now its much worse cos hes rude 2 my bros and sistas as well and tries 2 order them about like theyre 2 yrs old or something. hes always been like this, even before i started practising, my mom and him are in a very unhappy marriage. its his fault although he doesnt ever realise it. he expects us 2 b perfect, 2 listen 2 wat he says and never question what he does (there is a HUGE difference between wat he says and does). he beat us until we grew up and he realised my bros would hit back. so he makes up 4 it by slandering us to other ppl and saying really cruel things 2 our faces. he called me and my siblings poison the other day. he said we were his punishment in this earth God knows why when he did so much for us etc. he says worse things to mum. anyway things have got so bad that there are arguments everyday, my bros and sistas stay out of the house now as much as they can clubbing and stuff. bros on drugs as well. mums crying all the time. i cant do anything. i thought i should pray and b patient and all that, but i got so depressed i couldnt feel anything except the hurt any more. i never thought i would do it, but i even gave up prayer. close to giving up the outward stuff like the scarf as well. feel like i dont deserve islam. its my fault, a lot of what he does. i could make things better for my mum at least but i dont do anything. physically drained all the time. keep getting sick as well i know its mostly in my mind. i dont talk to him. i know i dont have any right cos he does keep providing for me and wont let me do anything myself. i have nightmares cos im sure im going to hell now cos i dont pray and i dont take care of my family. this stuff only happens wen i come home. and all of us (my mom and bros and sistas) are ok if hes not around. i dont know wat 2 do. i dont have anyone i can talk 2 who can help. i sometimes wish i was dead. i dont know wat any of u can advise but i thought id try anywayz. |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| Nomi |
| 09/05/03 at 02:51:33 |
| [slm] sis, well i'm sure ppl will come up with some really gr8 supporting words which'll help you alot inshaAllah. I just wanted to say a couple of thingies (somewhat off tangent). 1) After reading your post i feel that you are a good Muslimah with some beautiful beautiful thoughts, so plz dont wish for death as this world really needs people like you with a desire to improve in deen and helping others. 2) There is a new convert to islaam here on this board whose signatures i like very much, they read ... "Those who break their own rules must find their own path, you must not compromise your own soul for them !" I hope you got the point [slm] A brother in islaam, who'll remember you in his duas inshaAllah :) |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| WhiteSomali |
| 09/05/03 at 02:55:48 |
| [slm] Sister. Sis... Sorry, I can't offer any advice that will help to solve your problems, but hopefully this will help you through them. I know it can be mad hard sometimes, but you have to remember that whatever happens, happens for a reason. Remember that in all hardships, you have the opportunity to have your sins forgiven and be raised levels. It might seem impossible, but you have to patiently endure. And if you do, on the Last Day, you'll be thankful you had such trials. I strongly strongly feel you should start praying on time again. Sincerely offering Salah to Allah will help. You should also make dua. I'll do the same, and I'm sure many of the other brothers and sisters on this board will as well insha'Allah. I wish I could offer more advice Sister. But I need to beg you to keep praying, and just patiently endure your trials; it might also help to spend time in Dhikr and strengthen your relationship with Allah. Sorry, Sis. My advice isn't meant to solve your problems; to be honest I have no idea how to. But I really need to stress what I've already said. Remember that this life is only temporary, and compared to the next life, really our life here is nothing. We must sieze any opportunities we can to earn reward from Allah and to have our sins forgiven. Please, [u]please[/u] start praying again. That's the most important act of worship you'll ever do is offer Salah. For your family problems... Like I said I'm really not sure. I think it would be best to seek help from a social department or something similar. You're in my duas Sis; Just [i]do not[/i] give up on Allah and do not give up yourself. Insha'Allah you can make it through any problems you have in this worldly life, if you seek refuge in Allah, and always keep in mind what's truly important. Trials are part of life; often, it's not the outcome of these trials, but how you dealt with them that matters. [slm] |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| bismilla |
| 09/05/03 at 04:02:37 |
| [slm] Sister. I am truly sorry to hear about wot you are going thru and Alhumdulillah, the replies received thus far are good Insha Allah. I can understand wot the sister is saying about Salaah as it is probably very difficult to concentrate on your Salaah in such an environment as described by the sister. Insha Allah may you resume your Salaah and constantly recite Zikr to help you through this. I read this email today that said...Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big God is... |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| lucid9 |
| 09/05/03 at 05:38:20 |
| assalamu alaikum sister, I just wanted to say that you are a very cool sister. Very cool! You should understand one thing: most of the religious people in america or wherever come from very religious families. They are religious largely because their parents brought them up that way and forced them to be islamic when young. You are different and therefore exceptional. Your family holds you back, yet still you are a believing and sincere muslima, and one who by her own choice covers -- and does this against the wishes of her family. I don't mean to overly praise you -- but this shows that you are really special and extremely wonderful -- a brilliant diamond surrounded by chaff. You need to have more self-confidence in yourself and have more hope in Allah. Allah loves people like you, people drawn to him in spite of vast persecution. All the prophets were like that, hounded by their families, cursed by their relatives . Ok, you don't pray. That will change. Just apply yourself a little bit. Start with one prayer a day. Then build up. You'll find that it becomes easier. Believe me, if you try just a little bit, Allah will make it easy for you to pray regularly. He will help you. Remember, in spite of everything he loves all of his creation -- and in particular those like you who are in great difficulty. You must remember this: You are special. You are wonderful. And you will get better. Just ask Allah to help make things easier, and he will, slowly perhaps but surely. And finally get those silly ideas out of your head that you are going to Hell, and don't deserve Islam because you don't pray. You deserve everything good, and those nasty ideas were only planted in your idea by Satan, who wants you to lose hope and despair of Allah's help. He wants you to hate yourself, and thus distance yourself from Allah. He does this because, he knows your immense worth in the sight of Allah, and he would like nothing better than to destroy one of Allah's special people -- because he is the enemy of God. Have hope and don't despair. You will get better. |
| 09/05/03 at 05:42:32 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| Fozia |
| 09/05/03 at 06:28:03 |
| [slm] I would have replied sooner except I'm in and out of the loop. I agree with everyone else pray, it doesn't matter if you don't 'feel' it or whatever just do it for Allah. I read somewhere quite possibly Faza'il-E-A'Maal, that whenever the prophet [saw] faced hardship or adversity he would stand in prayer. So that's what I do personally, and even if the problem isn't resolved immediately, it definitely lightens the burden. Kind of like sharing your problem with friends but confiding in Allah is all the better.... [quote author=bismilla link=board=madrasa;num=1062739340;start=0#3 date=09/05/03 at 04:02:37] ...Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big God is... [/quote] Subhanallah, I sooo agree..... If you're facing the threat of violence at home isn't there a sister support or shelter around, or some similar organisation where you are?? You are in my duaas Sr. And remember, that if a thorn pricks the foot of a believer Allah gives him great reward in return for it (might not sound correct but I only know the Urdu version of this, Sorry). Your patience inshallah will be greatly rewarded. Love & Du'aas Wasalaam |
| Out of the closet |
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| sista |
| 09/05/03 at 15:56:41 |
| [slm] (Sighs) Ok, so it was me who posted. Begged the mod 2 stop it appearing on the board but…too late... :P This is a long running problem – lifelong in fact. Usually I kept it in, but sometimes couldn’t...i always regretted telling anyone afterwards. You have to understand that Ive always had a finely-tuned sense of guilt. Never forget the bad things Ive done over the years. He never let me you see. Then I never let myself forget. Feel like my life’s been one long flight from the guilt of being…being just not good enough. Never good enough. And without right as well, because I WAS well provided for. Of course fleeing means not facing up to a problem, so it festers. So when I found happier times I just COULDNT relax, couldnt be me cos I didnt know who “me” was. Too used to being told what I wasnt you see. So I lost the few friends I had, and it was my own fault. Anywayz when I found islam, I felt a happiness I had never felt before. Never. And for a while it was good. Then I came back home, and he hated it. They all did really. Was very hard. At first, as I said, it didnt matter. Could put up with it, though it hurt. But then...then my guilt caught up with me again, and bleakness. I had forgotten wat it felt like to smile, and to do something I liked and thought worthwhile (im at uni cos my parents want me to be). That’s how it was at first, but even that was bearable. But when the guilt came (always comes when he starts shouting at me, or my mum looks at me with disappointment, or my bros and sistas make fun of me) I started to think I didnt deserve anything. Because a real muslim sticks by his family through thick and thin, if he really cares about them he’ll be gentle and guide them kindly. He’ll rely on Allah all the while as well. My body has become a cage for me; cant feel anything but the pain inside and out, the pain of knowing how far ive fallen. If I try 2 rise - because a muslim SHOULD, he should never give up hope - then the guilt kicks in again. You see the loop im in. I don’t know how to break out. note: telling me i shouldnt feel this way wont help, i need some kind of strategy. a weak person will stay weak even if he believes others' insistence that he is strong. he will only BECOME strong wen he feels his strength. why am i still telling u all wen i know ill just regret it? some small hidden hope i suppose. hope that someone will be able to help. no one can stay feeling this worthless and live. |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| Fozia |
| 09/06/03 at 07:22:26 |
| [slm] Actually you can't control who you like or dislike, be they family or stranger. I personally have a positively vile uncle and my aunt was really awful too. Then she got cancer and died, when she was ill I'd go visit her at the hospital straight from uni, until my uncle would finish work and take over. When she died (this sounds awful), but all I could remember were the horrible things she did, it got so bad that I just stopped thinking about her, after a while I though I found I forgave her, I don't bear any grudges against her now, but this is about 7 years after the fact..... My uncle well he is repulsive, but I suppose if he ever needs help I'm going to be there to bale him out because well he's family. All I can say is that it's easier to forgive and be kind, when the point of objection is not in your face 24/7. You're not bad, just human, Love & Duaas Wasalaam |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| chiq |
| 09/06/03 at 09:22:55 |
| [slm] Ok, time for my tardy two English pence… Some people say that childhood is a golden time free from cares and responsibilities, and perhaps this is true for those people. But for others (me included), childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to escape from. It’s like the difference between the growth of a plant nourished by water and plenty of sunshine, and a plant put away in a dark airing cupboard and watered only occasionally. It’s bad enough for any child to abused and have the spectre of incompetence, ingratitude, or [i] failure[/i] ever thrust before their eyes, but it is somehow worse for the [i]sensitive[/i] young Muslim. Because as a Muslim, he knows that he has the awesome task of being [i] khalifah[/i] on Allah’s earth. But as a sensitive, hurting soul, he is at once living in the youthful cloud of dreams that shows him the beauty and meaning of life, and dying in fears and darkness as Despair fills his eyes with dust and tells him that his young hopes are only, and [i] will[/i] only be, in his bewildered mind. And he begins to wonder if perhaps the purpose of life is car, house, two point four children and prayers on Sunday after all... Such is the darkness this child faces as he grows older, more articulate, and less able to refute Despair because of his crippling ignorance and inexperience... ...and yet the dream of the Muslims’ fabled destiny leaves a wondrous echo in the heart of this innocently wise child, and guides his eyes to the heavens once more, [i] however[/i] far down he falls. It is a vision imprinted upon his heart, if unknown as yet to his eyes and mind, whispering to him in the still of the night that there [i] must[/i] still be a way to make it come true... This is the burden that child will bear all his life, whose frustration might – no, [i] will[/i] be his greatest sorrow, and whose fulfillment will be his greatest joy. So, to practical matters. Sista you’re absolutely right. A weak person needs to feel his strength to become strong; no amount of words will help him if he has tasted failure all his life. So you need a task, or a “strategy” as you put it. It strikes me that you have three qualities: 1) you’re caring 2) you have insights into the human character that the average person wouldn’t 3) you genuinely want, as Nomi rightly says, to be a good Muslimah (By the way, I’m not praising you :P; that’s not what you need as you have said. View these things as rizq from Allah that you should spend in His way, just like wealth) And you have an ailment – you feel worthless because you feel you have nothing to give, you don’t feel [i] needed[/i]. Well then, you had best either go somewhere where you are needed, or where you can learn skills that can help you become thus. Keep reading books on deen, for that cures many ailments. Read the Quran. [i] Pray[/i] for goodness’ sake – you [i] need[/i] it! See it as a means to gain the skills you need. Volunteer for charity work. Shelters for abused women. Counselling. Assistant teaching. Anything that’ll put you in a position to help others, for that is one of the fastest (and most mysterious!) way to help yourself. The fastest is turning to Allah of course... But if you’re too restricted to do any of that, then for the time being turn your attention to your mom and siblings and help them in any way you can. If your situation is as bad as it seems, then I’ll wager that they need help as much as you! If your father chooses to be distant and unkind, then at least you, your siblings and mother should be united, making each other cups of tea (an infallible English remedy for cuts and sores and natural disasters ;) ), and helping each other towards Allah, since that is our final goal. My duas go out to you sista, along with big virtual hugs [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/60.gif[/img] IM me if you ever need to talk. Wasalaam :-) |
| 09/06/03 at 09:25:24 |
| chiq |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| Nomi |
| 09/06/03 at 22:00:07 |
| [slm] sis and obviously you've got your siblings around you who definitly need your help, you'll have to be stronger (not to say that u r not) coz if you r gonna let yourself down then there are less chances of somebody coming from outside and help them. And everything is in the hands of Allah [swt] You are a strong sis mashaAllah, keep super-kicking the satan :) [slm] A brother in islaam. |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| se7en |
| 09/06/03 at 23:25:56 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, I am so moved by this thread :'( sis, you mentioned in your first post that you feel that a lot of what your father does is your fault. I think that you are blaming yourself unnecessarily, for something you are not responsible for. There are kids out there who are *excellent* sons and daughters, and are still harshly criticized, neglected or otherwise mistreated by their parents. Your father may choose to behave the way he does out of anger, or frustration, or any one of a number of things he is feeling.. but you are not at fault for how he chooses to express those feelings, and I doubt very much that they have anything to do with you as a person, or your faults and weaknesses. You and your family are in the closest circle of intimacy with your father, and because of that you face the brunt of his emotions, rage, insults, etc. Don't take his words or actions to heart. They will only stifle and burden you, weigh you down, and keep you from fulfilling your fullest potential in your striving as a Muslim and in your life. They will be an ever present shadow over your life, seeping in to influence your relationships with other people, how you perceive yourself and your life.. unless you understand them for what they really are. Understand that they are not a reflection of you, but a reflection of *him*. For some, you will *never* be good enough, but that has NOTHING to do with who and what you are, but with the lenses they are using to see you and to see life. Do not let your self esteem and your value of yourself be entwined with someone who most likely does not even truly understand you. Don't change yourself to be what someone else wants, at the compromise of who you truly are -- because, wAllahi you will regret it, and you will end up hating yourself, and then hating others - lost in a sea of rage and anger turned inward as well as outward. You also mentioned in your post that if you really tried, you could change him or fix the way things are with your family. I think this is the feeling of many children who are born into families that are less than harmonious and happy.. that they are somehow responsible for fixing their family. I think it will only lead to continuous heartache and hurt on your part, if you take the burden of their unhappiness on your shoulders. Strive to rectify yourself first, work through your own struggles, and then work to help others if they are willing to be helped. And it is not selfish to do this but *human*. You will constantly break apart if you do not take the time to fix yourself, and strengthen your relationship with Allah. About feeling guilty at returning to the path of Islam, after slipping many times.. all I can tell you is that Allah's forgiveness is overwhelming.. so much so that even if your transgressions pile up to the heavens, even if they are more than the foam of the sea, even if you have fallen many many times and you are ashamed to turn to Him after failing in your struggles.. He will forgive you and *love* you for seeking forgiveness. Harder hearts than yours have been washed clean by His rahma.. remember He is ar-Rahman.. hope for His mercy and compassion, and, insha'Allah, He will shade you with His rahma. "Say, O my servants who have transgressed against their souls despair not of the Mercy of Allah; for Allah forgives all sins; for He is Oft-forgiving and Most Merciful" Come, come whoever you are. Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, come. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come back, though you have broken your vow a thousand times. Ours is a house of hope. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah |
| 09/07/03 at 02:00:40 |
| se7en |
| Re: Family [problems] |
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| Kathy |
| 09/09/03 at 09:02:40 |
| [slm] Just came across this hadith: Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: A man said to Messenger of Allah (PBUH): "I have relatives with whom I try to maintain good relationship but they sever relations with me; whom I treat kindly but they treat me badly, with whom I am gentle but they are rough to me.'' He (PBUH) replied, "If you are as you have said, then it is as though you are feeding them hot ashes and you will not be without a supporter against them from Allah, as long as you do so.'' [Muslim]. |
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