A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| It's a mad house |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 09/06/03 at 13:51:45 |
| Assalamu Alaykum, I was born into a muslim household however I only started practising Islam around two to three years ago. When I was younger my sister and I had to go to the masjid to learn arabic, it was not the best of experiences, the toilets were dirty, the molvi's would hit people with their bamboo sticks I remember sitting and waiting at my doorstep (for the masjid funded van to come and collect us) and making dua to Allah begging that something would happen and we wouldn't have to go. I look back on that now and I realise how silly it was of me to think in such a manner, I guess most seven year olds wouldn't realise the importance of learning Qur'an. Unfortunately sometime later there was a fiasco at the masjid and we could not longer go I felt some relief and practised reading arabic at home. That is all Islam was in those days, just reciting some Qur'an and doing your Salah, nothing more. As the years went on I had the usual ups and downs that accompany people, I remained in and out of depression and cursing my existence. My mother used to beat both me and my sister, after a while you just begin to feel numb. There was no longer any pain and the only reason I would cry was the sheer thought that my mother was trying to cause me harm. I was quite a well behaved child, I never spoke back to my parents to this day I don't think I deserved to be treated in such a manner. I recall one day when I was say seven or eight my sister and I were in our bedroom, I found a yellowish winter scarf and put it on my head pretending I had blonde hair. I wished I hadn't, my mother caught me in "the act", I was beaten I don't remember what she used on that specific occasion. [...] "Just you wait until your father has gone to work, then I'll teach you" she would say, I used to lie in bed at night making dua I wouldn't wake up the next morning. This type of treatment continued over the years, my sister tried to commit suicide, ran away from home several times all in an effort to escape. She got much worse beatings then I did, I used to feel sorry for her she couldn't handle our destiny. She finally did escape happily married with a child but no Islam, can we really say she *did* escape? She was always a rebel my sister, very headstrong although I love her dearly I wish she would come back to Islam and calm down. My sister used to beat me too, she gave me a black eye once and used to try and suffocate me with my bed sheets. I began to stop praying Salah and reciting Qur'an I had my fair share of rebelious periods. I moved out of the house and went to London. I never thought I would be covering myself as I do these days, if you met me back then I can guarentee you would feel the same. If you asked me to pinpoint how I started practising Islam again, I couldn't. All I remember is laying in bed at night making dua to Allah to make me a better muslim. I wanted to know what that felt like, I longed to know. During this time my mother became ill, mentally ill. At first we thought she was posessed by a Jinn. It had always been my mothers belief that whenever something bad happens it is because of black magic or Jinn. Every time I went back home, it was as though I was entering a house where someone had died. Everything was disorganised and a mess, there was an eerie silence that filled our house the only thing that broke it was the sound of my mother's hysterical laughter or her hysterical wails. It was as though she was no longer my mother, she had so much anger inside her. Things around the house would go missing, pictures of her and our relatives she wouldn't eat and later confessed it was because the voices told her the food was poisoned. One night my mother was so upset I think I had upset her, I was in one of my usual moods. She thought my dad and I didn't love her, I apologised and tried to convince her that. Finally she accepted and went to go and pray in her prayer room. She collapsed during prayer, they rushed her to hospital it was weird seeing her there like that. She was unconscious but she would spit, just keep spitting. I am not sure how it all happened, it seems like so long ago but she was institutionalised. After a quick recovery she came back home but slowly began to deteriorate. I could not bare coming home anymore so I stayed in London over the university holidays, got a job selling door to door, still in my former attire of course but begining to feel different about the world. The boys would all still take an interest even though I am nothing special, I politely declined them all. Including the impressive attempt by one to serande me at the tube station. It just felt wrong now, it felt uncomfortable. I know now that those feelings were from Allah. I distanced myself from everyone following the society's norm. I began reciting Surah Yaseen at every oppurtunity, I had a pocket size one that my mother had given me to keep under my pillow. After all those years I still remember how to recite alhamdulillah. I still was not doing Salah though. University started again and I almost fell back into the same crowds, still working but this time in an office which was much more relaxing for my feet. I had money problems, my parents could not support me and I was already in debt and my spendthrift was not helping matters. All the relatives would phone up and ask about my mothers help "you are praying aren't you?" they would ask, I guiltily lied. Ramadhan came, I began fasting and doing Salah reciting Qur'an everything and everything. I was at a loss, my mother wouldn't talk to me my father was mad at me for not coming home and I didn't know where my sister was. "Allah never burdens a soul more than it can handle" they would say, how can it be that my soul can handle so much was one of my common thoughts. I eventually moved back home after giving up university, dad was angry about that too. I stayed in that house night and day listening to that horrible silence trying to make some order out of the chaos. Noone would hospitalise my mother this time they all kept saying nothing was wrong with her although to us there clearly was. I phoned the doctor up one day to ask for a sick note we needed it for mum's work place, he came round to see her and she was later put back into hospital. Another quick recovery meant she was back home after a few months, I was so happy to have her back, I vowed I would always treat her with love and respect. We got along great, we would have so much fun together it was difficult at first because we had never been close before. My parents were alarmed at my head scarf and change of clothes, I needed to cover not only because it is part of Islam but it kept me out of trouble it gave me a chance to focus on my deen and not get distracted. I felt so close to Allah, I kept my Salah and dhikr up I was so grateful. I would not watch TV or listen to music for two years, I thought it was nonsense, in my house however it is deemed abnormal if you don't watch TV. I wanted to spend time with my parents and had to sit with them while they watched these programmes. Soon I began watching and recently listened to some music my Salah became shorter because my parents would need me constantly I couldn't concentrate anymore. My mother is ill again, back in hospital. I used to get mad at her in my mind for being so demanding, she would still beat me now and then even though I am in my mid twenties (and yes still unmarried) I think I did deserve the beatings and all the calamity. I lived a terrible life before my Islam came, I was horrible and I still think I am. I am in and out of depression again, I can't eat or find any rest. I work full time and study in my spare time, exams are soon. You would think that someone of my age would be able to deal with these situations better, but I can't. I am not resentful of my situation but I don't know how much more I can handle. My house is a house in which tears are not allowed, my dad dislikes me crying. I feel so alone all the time and although Allah is with me I need people with me too. There are next to no muslims where I live, the ones I used to go to the masjid with laugh at me behind my back because I have changed so much. I feel trapped but I thank Alah for my predicament maybe inshaAllah it will help to purify me. I feel responsible for the way my mother is, all I ask is just one more chance inshaAllah. All I have is my family I am a complete loner, I am shy, I am quiet (which is how I have always been) but even more so now because I do not know what to say to people in real life. I don't know if it is naseeha I am after, I don't know why I felt the need to write this. I know what you must be thinking, that it is a Jinn but I have faith in Allah after doing my Istikharas that it is a mental illness. Please keep me and my mother in your duas. JazakhAllah Khair [Edited by Admin] |
| 09/06/03 at 13:52:48 |
| Anonymous |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| jannah |
| 09/06/03 at 14:09:31 |
| wlm, sister i have read your full account and edited it here slightly. it's traumatic for us to read what you have been through :( but i don't want to deny or lessen what you've been through. may Allah give you the best of rewards for keeping your patience and faith during all of this. i really believe that is very difficult for us to cope with traumatic things that have happenned in our childhood on our own, especially abuse. people develop different strategies to deal with their painful past and sometimes these are not healthy ones and only lead to more depression. i really encourage you to seek out some couseling in London for surivivors of child abuse, or support groups for family members of mental patients. these are usually free and very private. also, if you are still going to school there are counselors available for everyone to talk about any subject. if you absolutely, cannot go that route then please try to go to your library or bookstore or order online some books that talk about recovering from child abuse and dealing with a parent who has some sort of mental abuse. i am sure there are many resources on the web as well. the thing is there are alot of people in the world who have had to endure what you have had to, and their thoughts and stories and example can really help you feel not alone. and you sharing your story and your faith can help others. going through counseling helps u come to terms with things emotionally, helps you develop healthy thought habits, positive ways of thinking and can be a real support to you in these tough times inshaAllah. may Allah bless you and guide you inshaAllah. |
| 09/06/03 at 14:11:01 |
| jannah |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| BroHanif |
| 09/06/03 at 14:55:14 |
| Salaams, Wow thats all I can say. There is a helpline in London or a couple of orgs that can help yo, I think one of them is the Muslim Helpline, there are also some sisters who do counselling and would be prepared to perhaps hear you no matter what state you are in. One thing you can't do is blame yourself, at the age of seven I got so many beatings that in a weird sense I used to look forward to em. But I was a real rebel in the house, at mouse I go wacked so many times that I wanted to damage the molvis face yet was too weak. Anyway less of me, if you want I'll scour through my list of contacts whom may be able to help you. Let me know if you need any assistance. Salaams Hanif |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| lucid9 |
| 09/07/03 at 06:56:36 |
| [slm] I am simply amazed tha islam could germinate and even flourish in such inhospitable climates. People from such backgrounds should be on drugs, on the dole, and in a whole lot of trouble. Alhumdulillah a million times over, that you didn't chose that route. When i read your story, all i can think of is how outrageously lucky i have been. I never had to undergo anything of that sort, and in spite of having a fairly healthy childhood, i still managed to grow up to be an idiot. :) May Allah bless you for being so strong. All i can say is that life is not a 100 metre dash. It is a marathon. What happened in the few years of your childhood is only a small part of your life. You have another (insha Allah) 50-60 years to look forward to. You are so young, with so much to look forward to, so many future years, that you should (in spite of your troubles) be be optimistic.. You should feel extremely proud of yourself for getting this far in life. In spite of what you might think, you're obviously a pretty strong character, and a very, very, very special one too. Try to take things less seriously. Laugh more. Try to be more laid back. Afterall things could be worse. And remember the following hadith: [color=Red] " Among the inmates of Hell, a person who had led the most luxurious life in this world will be brought up on the Day of Resurrection and dipped in the Fire and will be asked: `O son of Adam! Did you ever experience any comfort? Did you happen to get any luxury?' He will reply: `By Allah, no, my Lord.' And then one of the people of Jannah who had experienced extreme misery in the life of this world will be dipped in Jannah. Then he will be asked: `O son of Adam! Did you ever experience any misery? Did you ever encounter difficulty?' He will say: "By Allah, no my Lord, I neither experienced misery nor passed through hardship." [Muslim; Riyadh Saleheen, #462]. [/color] [slm] |
| 09/07/03 at 12:21:42 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| Maliha |
| 09/07/03 at 07:41:38 |
| [slm] sigh... i read this yesterday, and had to fight the tears that choked me...I came back today, hoping the story changed somewhat, maybe i read too much into it? surely this can't be? But then i thought back to the all the horrid stories i have heard growing up, all the not so nice things that adults like to cover, and we children somehow learn of. The perverted uncle, the alcoholic neighbor, the suicidal aunt, the molested cousins, the aborted baby... Somehow within the pristine outer appearances, we tend to hush these things (as a community)..maybe if we look away, they will dissappear, or atleast not haunt our dreams at night. A burden too heavy to share and seemingly too much to handle. But surely Allah is The All Merciful, All Compassionate? Surely He knows what you are going through and He who takes care of the minutest creatures, the most helpless of gnats and most vulnerable of ants...He who feeds the birds, He who causes the most beautiful heart rending of flowers to grow ever so slowly, ever so painfully, from a slab of concrete! In life we have two kindsa people, those who have been spoon fed, groomed, taken care of, those who have been given all the excesses of life...and on the outside they look sooo perrfect...sooo together...everyone wishes to have a bit of them..to just "be" them even for a second. Yet in the larger scheme of eternity only Allah knows where they truly stand, and just this morning i was thinking if Allah in His Wisdom and Mercy did not conceal our inner reality (and ugliness) then surely we would be running away from each other's grotesque-ness. I read in a poem, that the parable of these ever so perfect people are like the most beautiful and prim of roses, cut, preserved, and put in a gorgeous crystal vase. Everyone looks at it and gawks for a minute or longer....as it slowly whithers away. Then there is the majority of people. Those that grow up wondering what is the point of life? Those that never tasted a 7 course meal, or enjoyed the luxury of airconditioning and even a bed...the billions of people in third world countries whose needs are sooo basic and so mundane, it's enough to humble the most hardened of hearts. The people who have tasted true pain, the strugglers, the ones whose feet are sooo jagged, wounded, and cracked from the path that seems tooo sharp, too painful, the path that's enough to numb the tenderest of hearts. Yet amidst the ruins surrounding some of these people, amidst the concrete jungles, the slabs of rocky hearts, and dusty paths, emerges the most poignant, and heart shattering of the wildest and untamed roses. Those big, colorful petals that have tasted the incessant bitter salty breezes, those hardened thorns that grow out to spike all the dangerous envious ones threatening to cut them down, those hardened stems yet such supple inner sanctums they are yearning to burst forth with the Magnificence and sheer beauty of the One who Created them, and nurtured them sooo intimately and closely despite the madness without. You my dear are lucky to be amongs the wild sea roses of this dunya. You have tasted the bitterness, but deep within you know that light that shines ever so bright will never be dimmed. You know there is a way out and it's not Kufr, it's not despair, it's not giving in to the madness but submitting to the Source of All Peace, All Love, All Happiness, and the Will of He who created you, and nurtured you and brought you to the fullness of the beauty and integrity of your being. Just keep turning to Him, even when you feel the ground burning into your forehead, keep your face down, begging pleading and in the most subtle of ways He will keep lightening your burdens, blowing those ever sooo healing of Breezes into the depths of your soul...as He gently draws you closer and closer all these fleeting trials will take wings like fluttering butterflies and glide away...as you gradually ascend into the realm of the Truely blessed and Blissful Ones. May Allah illuminate your soul with His Ever Glowing Light and May He increase you in Patience, Compassion and integrity.. Please never let go..never give up..for shaytaan will forever try to distance you and draw you into the depths of misery and wretchedness. I will keep you in my duahs..and please never feel alone, and feel free to contact me anytime you feel blue:) Your sis in struggle, :-) [wlm] |
| 09/07/03 at 07:47:44 |
| Maliha |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| Nomi |
| 09/07/03 at 15:15:49 |
| [slm] Wanted to reply yesterday but my quota of 5 posts was over i guess :). Well sis i wanted to comment about your community, they laugh at you for your past and that you cover now and go to masjid?..... what morons they are !!.... well thats one way to think about them which'll be quite okay but another is to pity at them as they are doing bad to their afterlife by behaving the way they do. Sis why dont you frequent this board or even register here? Its an online Muslim community with lots of caring ppl and many of them are so very knowledgeable (save me :P ), so what do you say? Join the community sister. [slm] A brother in islaam. |
| 09/07/03 at 15:20:09 |
| Nomi |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| readagain |
| 09/07/03 at 21:06:34 |
| [slm] sister, you are mashallah soooo strong (make Allah make things easier for u), I totally agree with brother Lucid..mashallah...and i just kinda wanted to say that..please never ever, no matter what the circumstances are, dont discontinue ur education..this is one tool u will have (after the prayers) that will get u somewhere inshallah. [wlm] i apologize if i said this in any wrong way? sometimes i dont know how to say things :( but u are in my duas, Inshallah. take care |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| salaampeaceshalom |
| 09/10/03 at 09:54:39 |
| [slm] Ur post had such a deep impact on me, I truly do hope ur ok. All I can say is that I admire and respect u so much. The fact that u came to Islaam with a greater understanding than before, and that u've managed to carry on with things evn til now, is a HUGE indicator that insha'Allaah, u can carry on, with the knowledge that ur imaan is with u and it is something that u can greatly rely on. I'm really at a loss of what to say. and I don't want to write anything pathetic, because ur post was so profound. Ithink the organisation that broHanif was referring to is the Muslim Youth Helpline. They have a freefone number from landlines which is 0808 808 2008 or u can email them at help@myh.org.uk. They also organise befriending sessions, I don't know if u'd be interested in that, and they can also put u in touch with professional Muslim counsellors, insha'Allaah. Maybe u could try contacting them, even if u don't want any counselling, but just to offload. My thoughts are with u, wa'salaam xx Btw, I don't think u should feel responsible for what's happened., which is probably easier said than done ::). This is all unfortunate, but it was all meant to happen. You still have a chance with ur mother, she's still here. If for whatever reason u feel guilty about ur mother [quote] I feel responsible for the way my mother is, all I ask is just one more chance inshaAllah. [/quote], just try and keep familial ties with her and do whatver u can for her. Please don't worry what other people think/say about u. U have ur life to get on with, without having to deal with rubbish from other people. Alhumdulilah, u've managed to correct some of ur ways, so just carry on. Why should u b concerend with what they say when u know that ur trying to adhere to the Islaamic principles as best as u can? I think it's only when people have a real understanding of other people's lives, when they are given an insight, that they truly become humble and learn not to speak about matters that do not concern them. You've come so far already, and insha'Allaah, u can carry on a lot further :) |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| SisterHania |
| 09/10/03 at 11:36:27 |
| [slm] Dear Anon, If you are registered at all PLEASE send me an IM because I know exactly what you are going through. I'm in UK also so if you need to talk over a cup of tea I'll be there! [wlm] |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| Trustworthy |
| 09/10/03 at 17:29:16 |
| [slm] warahmutallahi wa barakatuh.... Ya ukhti fiddeen. I hope that you are well as I write, insha-Allah. Ameen. All I can say is Ya Rubb! I respect your strength as much as I respect my mother’s strength when she was suffering during the war having to watch her parents, her husband, her children die and then coming to America and working to raise 2 children on her own. We all suffer in life. I’m too in a time where Allah’s (SWT) tests are harder and only my Iman will help me through it. Your Iman was there once. Allah (SWT) guided you to Him (SWT) now it’s up to you to keep that guidance. And it looks like it’s coming back. Sometimes you will feel like you have nothing else left to go on and sometimes you will feel like there is no God. Sometimes you just don’t want to deal with it anymore. That’s the time when Shaitan whispers in your ears to leave Allah (SWT). Say A’oothu Billah…. And do a lot of dhikr. Also pray Tasbeeh late at night when everyone is asleep. Cry if you want to, Allah (SWT) loves those who loves Him (SWT). Don’t fall into despair sister. It is true, Allah (SWT) doesn’t bare any burdens you can’t handle and masha-Allah you’re handling it. Just keep up your strength, your patience, and your Iman with Allah (SWT) and He (SWT) will take care of the rest. Our sufferings either make us stronger or weaker. Insha-Allah stronger. Be patient with your ill mother. She must’ve had a hard life as well growing up with all that superstition nonsense of black magic and jinns. I can say that because that’s my culture as well until you start to understand Allah (SWT). Believe you me I had a few spells come my way, but they never worked on me because of my faith in Allah (SWT). It was so bad that my mother had my Uncle put a spell on me to protect me from other spells. He burnt some verses from the Qur’an and told me to drink it. I refused and told them to read the Qur’an more. Then the next morning when I awoke, there was a small thread tied around my waste. I asked Mom why? She said it was to protect me. I yanked it off in front of her and started to cry because she believed in black magic so much that she would put a spell on me while I was sleeping. I had my Arab Muslim Uncle (I call him Uncle) come talk to my mother, Aunt, and Uncle about it. He showed them the Qur’an verses and hadiths about black magic, etc. and Al-hamdillah, no more. Sometimes mothers wishes the best for their children that they would go to any lengths to make it all happen whether it’s beatings or spells. They do it because they don’t want their children to have to go through the same hardships as they did. Be patient. I know it’s easier said then done. But Allah (SWT) is always with you, watching you and listening to you. This is a test. You either pass or fail, nothing in between. There are no make ups or do overs. Here’s a poem I thought would be appropriate for you to read. I read it to remind me sometimes. " I asked Allah to take away my habit. Allah said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up. I asked Allah to make my handicapped child whole. Allah said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary I asked Allah to grant me patience. Allah said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned. I asked Allah to give me happiness. Allah said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you. I asked Allah to spare me pain. Allah said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. I asked Allah to make my spirit grow. Allah said, No. You must grow on your own! , but I will prune you to make you fruitful. I asked Allah for all things that I might enjoy life. Allah said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things. I ask Allah to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me. Allah said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea. " Ameen to all the du'as and we are here for you. May Allah (SWT) make things easier for you and your family and help your sister find her way back. Ameen. Ma-asalaama…… |
| 09/10/03 at 17:34:22 |
| Trustworthy |
| Re: It's a mad house |
|---|
| tryn2surrender |
| 09/10/03 at 17:59:24 |
| [slm] sister, You are without doubt, an amazing person. :-/ You should truely be proud of yourself for overcoming your childhood and still being a good, decent, strong and merciful person. You obviously love your mother, inspight of what she put you through. What amazing rahma you have. People hate their parents for much, much less than that. You are right, truely Allah doesn't burden a soul more than it can handle, and you have a soul of steel. Your heart and soul are like a cup and if too much is put or kept in, it overflows...it's a survival mechanism and your cup is really full right now. You need to find someone to talk to, to empty your cup a bit. I would strongly suggest a counselor, muslim preferably and take sisterhania's offer, get together, find close muslim friends. Let others take care of you, the way you are taking care of others. Also, join this board. ;D ;DI just joined today and if i hadn't, I wouldn't have been able share your experience with you. >:( Please join, so that you may find a new home here, one of peace and safety. :-* You and your family are in my dua's. Wasalaam, tryn2surrender |
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board |