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Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly

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Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
Anonymous
09/10/03 at 21:39:07
Salaam,
 I need some advice on several things. The first is my son,he is 6 years old and is
going through a very rebellious phase. He is not listening to his teachers at school and
especially not at mosque. He is the same at home. At school his behaviour is probably not too
bad as they are trained in how to dicipline children, but he was suspended from mosque
yesterday for a week. The letter that I recieved said that he'd poked another boy in the
eye and said that he did it because the other boy pinched him. I don't know what they did
to the other boy, but I am having a problem seeing how suspending Hasan will improve his
behaviour. Surely the teachers at the madrassa need to address why these two boys were
fighting in the first place, what was the teacher doing when this happened?

I am planning on going to see them tonight, but I was wondering what you guys thought
about the punishment that my son received. I personally don't think suspension is the
answer, most children Hasan's age don't particularly like going to madrassa anyway, if they see
that behaving badly will get them out of it, surely they will behave worse rather than
better?

Any ideas on what I should say to his teacher at the madrassa. Do any of you have a more
fitting punishment?

And do any of you with kids have any idea on how I can get my son to behave better? He is
a very bright, intelligent boy and he is not a bad child and in fact he can be an
absolute angel when HE WANTS TO BE. However, at the moment he is having a problem responding to
simple instructions. I know children are always pushing the boundries, but how can I get
him to listen without getting upset myself and without getting him into one of his temper
tantrums? He just seems to want everything on his terms. I have run out of ideas as go
how to get through to him...perhaps you guys can help ...PLEASE!!!
Re: Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
onemuslimgirl
09/10/03 at 22:35:34
asalam alakum,
First of all, please do not go into the school with an attitude that the incident was the teacher's fault. I have been teaching for 4 years now, and trust me, even the most competent teachers are not able to see what every single kid is doing every second of the day. The best thing to do is to go with the attitude that you want the teachers and you to come up with a plan to help your son. Even if you disagree with the punishment, do not display your disapproval in front of your child, this will make him feel that he can set you and the school up against each other.

In my experience, some children who show this kind of behavior are lacking attention, or feel that they are lacking attention. It does not mean you are a bad parent, in fact you sound like a really good one. But maybe something new has entered in your life or the child's life and he feels that he is not getting the same attention that he was getting before. Or he can't handle the new situation that has changed in his life. maybe talking with him can get some answers. also,  just set aside special time with him on the weekend or after school.

finally, divise a reinforcement plan. sit down with the child and explain to him what kind of behavior is expected from him at home and at school. explain to him that you love him very much and thats why when he does what he is supposed to do, then he will get treats. work with the school so that he can get a certificate at the end of the day if he does good. he can redeem this certificate when he comes home for a treat. we did this with my younger sister and it worked really good. every day that she brought home the certificate, she would get a piece of candy. after a while she did not need the reinforcement anymore and she doesn't even ask about it.

hope this helps inshAllah. w'salam
Re: Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
siddiqui
09/10/03 at 22:45:38
[slm]
I dont mean to make it sound awful
But have you ever thought of taking help (a child psychologist/councellor)
some children who cant express certain sentiments like we adults do in word , express them in rage/tantrums
A consult would be helpful
[wlm]
09/10/03 at 22:49:29
siddiqui
Re: Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
momineqbal
09/11/03 at 01:11:55
[slm],

Young children are very active and bubbling with energy. Thats what I have observed in my little bit of experience teaching at sunday school. I think you and the teachers at the masjid both need to find a way to keep the child busy with doing stuff that he might actually like. Not just lecturing on the board. This does require some effort and a lot of creativity on the teachers and parents' part, and sisters in general are better at it. A lot of the kids like doing some sort of craft, drawing or just be outside playing and really the goal of a teacher should be to kindle an interest in the childs heart for learning stuff. If you force them to learn stuff by punishing them, then sooner or later they will go off in directions you dont want them to go and then forget everything they learnt. The idea of seeking a good muslim counsellor could be a good one, if you really think that the kid is out of control.
09/11/03 at 01:12:59
momineqbal
Re: Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
Chris
09/11/03 at 19:55:22
Salaam.  Have you considered spanking him?  And, no, this is not a joke, I'm quite serious.  I myself was rarly spanked, but I realised later that a spanking was better than a row or being grounded.  

My serious advice.  Get him to go back to the Mosque.  Explain that he needs to behave himself there as it is a house of God.  Tell him how proud you are of him and tell him how much it hurts to threaten him, because it will hurt you.  If it doesn't, you should not be a parent.  

Chris
Re: Urgent advice  needed - son behaving badly
Anonymous
09/16/03 at 03:57:21
Thanks for all your replies. I think there are several aspects the problem with
Hasan, I just don't know how to deal with them.

Hasan had been an only child for five years before I had my second son. Not only was he
the only child, but also the only grandchild. As you can imagine he got a lot of
attention. He wasn't spoilt as such, but he always had undivided attention at home and at my
parents house. Last year, I had Siraaj and my brother and his wife also had a baby girl, which
meant that the attention had suddenly been focused onto the new arrivals. We have tried
very hard to give Hasan attention too and keep him involved, however, I think that he has
found it difficult. It has also been difficult for me as Siraaj was quite poorly when he
was younger so took up a lot of my time and energy.

I spent a lot of time with Hasan this weekend and I feel we did make a bit of progress.
By yesterday he wasn't throwing as many temper tantrums as he was last week. He is a very
bright boy (some would say too bright for his own good!) Last year, his teacher was
concerned tht he might be hyperactive, but the school nurse had a chat with him and said that
he was just very energetic and the fact that he was very bright meant that he needed
constant stimulation or he would get bored. His behaviour at school is better that it is at
mosque, but as I said before teachers are usually trained to deal with unruly children.

The problem is at mosque where a lot of the teachers are from 'back home' and use very
traditional methods to teach, they also can't communicate very well with the children. The
net result is a child like Hasan, who is bordering on hyperactive and is bright too,
finds it very difficult to maintain good behaviour for two hours at mosque (especially after
a long day at school too).

Anyone got any ideas on how to keep a six year old's attention for two hours at mosque?
The guy in charge of discipline that I spoke to last week said that Hasan should not have
the time to be getting bored as he is supposed to 'repeat his lesson at least 20 times
and then go onto his Islamic History and Deeniyaat books'. When I told Hasan this, he
replied 'but why do I have to repeat it 20 times if I already know it and can read it without
any mistakes?'. I tried telling him that the more times he reads it the more reward he
will get from Allah, but I am not sure it got through... he just kept saying it was
boring...

I'm hoping that if I devote some extra time to him on his own, while his brother is
asleep for example, that I may be able to get him to improve his behaviour but I think it is
going to take a while. If this doesn't work then I don't know what to do...The thought of
councelling had crossed my mind but I think I wanted to try and get to the bottom of
things myself first. As for spanking, we have tried it, but it doesn't work with Hasan, he
has got this stubborn streak in him and if he feels he is being forced to do something he
rebels more.


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