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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/11/03 at 14:17:22 |
| As-Salaam Alaikum, I came across your board a couple days ago and you all seem to be very helpful when it comes to advice. My parents having been searching for a partner for me for about 6 yrs now. They have meet mashallah a lot of really nice brothers but nothing has ever worked out which means it wasn't meant to be. I keep reminding them that when the time is right things will work out. My parents have been getting very upset with me lately b/c no one has come along. Alhamdulliah my sister is married and my brother just recently got married this year. My parents keeps saying they want me to get married so that they may live their life. I know that everything is written and when the time is right I will meet that person, but I am starting to give up hope. My parents have come to the point that they have stopped looking and are giving up, and my sister and brother has stopped looking. The only person still trying is my sister in law and I love her dealy for caring so much. It gotten to the point I keep getting told that there is something wrong with me, I'm too fat and ugly for someone to want me (even though I am not fat and alhamdulliah many people think I am very pretty). I'm just starting to lose hope in myself, it's been hard living with my brother and his new bride, I'm starting to feel lonely b/c I can't talk to my parents (every time I mention anything they bring up marriage and get upset with me). My sister is the same and at this point they are all telling me to settle for whatever comes along, that I won't get what I want. I feel that you will find what you want b/c when you meet the right person it will just be right. I don't know it's been very lonely for me lately. There can be a thousand ppl around you that love you and yet you still feel this great emptiness. I have decided to go back to school to get my MBA and have been spending as much time as possible in Deeni classes and community work. I've come to the point that home is where I can't be due to the pressures. Everyone wants me to go out and find the person I should marry, but no one is willing to look and at this point I'm just anout ready to give up on marriage and live the rest of my life. I don't know if this is me looking for comfort or advice. I'm just really lost right now and thought maybe this would be a place that could help. Jazakallah Khair for listening. Wasalaam |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 09/11/03 at 15:48:43 |
| asalaam alakum, WOW! It is as if I was reading my own life story. I have also been in the searching process for close to 6 years and I have finally come to terms that there is nothing wrong with me. Its like you said, when the time comes it comes. I have decided to keep myself as busy as possible and not to think about the situation. When someone proposes who is good, I will make istikhara prayers, meet the brother adn keep making more istikhara prayers until something happens either way. I do not bring up the subject anymore with my parents and even my friends, almost all who are married by now, do not bring up the subject anymore either alhamdullah. The thing that makes me sad is that because of my age, there are some people who think i should accept anything and anyone...so what if he was married before and has 4 young kids living with him....and that type of thing. alhamdullah I am just making prayers to Allah to send me the right guy at the right time. I think that is the best duaa to make because we don't know what is best for us. Plus don't forget that this is a test, and you are getting so much sawab for it inshAllah if you are patient. w'salaam. |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Caraj |
| 09/11/03 at 16:25:19 |
| I certainly feel for you both. But please know that waiting for the right one is sooooo worth it. I am thankful I never had the pressures of Muslim parents in this regards (marriage) Not meaning to sound disrespectful. Patience is hard but so worth it. If either of you would like to know the consequences of lack of patience in this matter please feel free to private message me. I do not wish to put such things on the board. Have patience, pray and go to your parents. Give them a big hug and let them know you understand that they want you to be happy and to begin the next step of your lives, yet you know they would never want you hurt or unhappy due to lack of patience. I waited 38 years for the right husband and suffered consequences for bad judgement (bad marriage) and lack of patience for actions prior to this. My husband now, was well worth the wait. Can also relate to many people being around yet feeling lonely and alone. I wish you both well and will leave you with this advice. DO NOT SETTLE for anything that comes along. Please don't. |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| jannah |
| 09/12/03 at 01:50:53 |
| [wlm] ditto about my life story sis... here's a thread that was similar where we discussed this... inshaAllah have hope... everything is written.. if we are not meant to get married, we are not meant to... if it's meant then it is meant... but when we stop our whole lives just focusing on that one thing because of family/parental pressure that doesn't help the situation either. So yes get on with your life and leave the rest up to Allah! http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=sis;action=display;num=1057768290 |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Nomi |
| 09/12/03 at 02:39:12 |
| [slm] sisters and ofcourse brothers First off let me clarify it that its just a concern and nothing more... From the posts we've seen on the board it seems that the number of sisters not getting married is way more higher than brothers, is it because the ratio of sisters and brothers differ! but it doesn't differ [i]that[/i] much! or is it that sisters (in general) are under more pressure than brothers? I think its the later one... btw sis anon when you marry someone give top priority to the deen of the bro inshaAllah. [slm] Asim Zafar. PS: I wonder whats HiMY upto, any luck with his case bro Hanif? you took the responsibility of fixing him with someone, right ? |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| theOriginal |
| 09/12/03 at 09:58:31 |
| [slm] Go back to school. When you don't have time to think about other people's comments, the world seems to be a brighter place. No point whatsoever in thinking too much about marriage, especially when you believe that he will come when it is destined. (Insha Allah).. Even though people haven't been looking for me for 6 years (that sounds pretty rough...may Allah reward you with a pious and fun loving husband), I can understand it. Don't lose hope with yourself...marriage is not the end all and be all of life. Actually. I take that back. Marriage IS the end all and be all of life, especially when you have kids and you don't want to do anything but raise them and be a good mommy (can't believe i just said that), and hence you get the opportunity to do so much more in the years until you get married. (Masha Allah, you're so lucky ;) ) I met a sister a few years ago who was in the same predicament. She was engaged to be married the following month, but at that time she was 34 yrs old. Man, she inspired me so much. She had a PhD in economics AND a law degree. Was a full-time lawyer AND had opened up her own orphanage type thing. I was super impressed. She didn't let any of that time go to waste. And she was marrying a neurosurgeon, who was actually kind of cool...he wasn't missing an arm, leg, brains, personality or anything. And she was very very happy, masha Allah. Whatever happens...don't let yourself get down about it. And make LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of duaa for yourself. Make it so that you pray Tahajjud EVERY DAY, insha ALlah...the world just seems easier when you do. At least that way you know you have done everything you have control over. Make duaa for all of us too. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Kathy |
| 09/12/03 at 10:54:16 |
| [slm] [quote]why not just get married to somebody. you can always get divorced later if the guy turns out to be a butthead..... [/quote] [i]Kathy is trying to think of how to put in writing what an idiotic, stupid, and foolish thing to say without violating the Madinat City Constitution[/i] |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Caraj |
| 09/12/03 at 11:30:08 |
| LOL Kathy, here Sis while you go off (Azizah sees smoke coming from Momma Mod's nostrils and she is doing this funny thing with her foot, OH!!! pawing the ground ;D charge!!!!!!! ) while you go off to decide how to explain to our young brother, please allow me to try ;D [quote author=lucid9 link=board=madrasa;num=1063300642;start=0#5 date=09/12/03 at 09:38:41] [slm] why not just get married to somebody. you can always get divorced later if the guy turns out to be a butthead.....:) [/quote] And Lucid9, If a sister finds out she married a butthead when do you suggest she divorce? After he has raped her of all her self worth and inner being or maybe it would be after he breaks her face, a few bones maybe??? [quote author=lucid9 link=board=madrasa;num=1063300642;start=0#5 date=09/12/03 at 09:38:41] [slm] personally, i'd like to know how jannah has managed to stay single all these years. i mean a girl like that's got to have zillions of boys qued up drooling all over her. ok, will i be banned now? [/quote] That's the point Lucid9 she is trying to find one who knows how to breath with his mouth closed and doesn't drool :P In conclusion, To all the sisters who are not married yet....SO WHAT ::) Use this time to work on yourselves like college, charities (like the aboved mentioned orphanage) Like Kathy's 20 things of wisdom, stop worrying about it, stand still while Allah is fixing things up ;) He's the best match maker. I have been through a couple buttheads, private message me if you would like to know what not being patient has in store for you. And if any of you are like Jannah, I as one who has raised two who are now in their mid 20's and after observing Jannah in action for two years on this board, her witt, her sense of compassion, justice, how she is caring yet firm in her ways and knows how to stand on her own two feet and stand firm in her ideas and such... IT IS GONNA take a mighty special brother to be deserving of this sister.....I would be willing to bet Allah has very special men picked out for you sisters. And Lucid9.......Jannah being the understanding person I have gotten to know on this board.....naw I doubt you'd be banned.......after all we understand (men ::) ) We understand :D |
| 09/12/03 at 11:35:39 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| readagain |
| 09/12/03 at 12:38:11 |
| [slm] im not kidding, but wallahi...guys pms...i swear man..they do!!!! and i think for couple of days some bros here are pmsing...mood swings and all that.. no offense to anyone.. ::)...just trying to get some pressure off of u actually. :P lalaaallalalalalalalalalala ::) |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Luminous |
| 09/12/03 at 12:42:40 |
| [slm] The fact that there is soooo many single musim women in there late 20s out there has got to mean something. This means that there a many brothers out there too that are not ready to get married. Br. got a question for you . . . would you settle for someone? I don't know I'm just a firm beleiver that your match is out there and when the time is right the two of you will find each other. Also what ever Allah (swt) has written will happen. So maybe some of us are meant to stay single and some of us are meant to get married when we are younger and some when we are older. :-* :-) |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| jannah |
| 09/12/03 at 13:09:46 |
[wlm] sheesh kabobs.. can u guys leave my marital life or lack thereof alone... it's kinda annoying to have it discussed and analyzed in front of thousands of people.. u guys are worse than my family sometimes [quote]I'm just saying at some point you gotta stop waiting.[/quote] not sure what that means to you lucid.. that the girl should just marry the next guy that asks? i think that sisters are ready to compromise on more and more especially as they get older, but sometimes there just comes a point where you just can't compromise [i]yourself[/i] in order to get married. And there are very few people in the world that can accept you as yourself, good and bad. |
| 09/12/03 at 15:23:13 |
| jannah |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| lucid9 |
| 09/12/03 at 13:13:11 |
| [quote author=jannah link=board=madrasa;num=1063300642;start=0#12 date=09/12/03 at 13:09] u guys are worse than my family sometimes [/quote] That's a compliment, right? |
| 09/12/03 at 13:53:23 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| theOriginal |
| 09/12/03 at 15:17:04 |
| [slm] Think of it this way sisters...Allah is giving all of you the opportunity to do things that you might not be able to do after you get married and start raising a family. For example, if jannah was married, she might not put such a great effort into this site, it might have collapsed, I might never have found it, I might never have been so greatly inspired by all of you, I might have jumped off a cliff because I used to think that if you're falling, you might as well... and check out...all that thawaab goes straight to her. Masha Allah, sis...youz very lucky :) Make lots of duaa...it'll happen, insha Allah. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Maliha |
| 09/12/03 at 20:08:29 |
| [quote author=lucid9 link=board=madrasa;num=1063300642;start=0#9 date=09/12/03 at 12:05:14] I'm wondering now whether Jannah and Kathy will use their bruiser now to batter me -- aka Nur.[/quote] awwwwwwwww poor lucid he is traumatized...I warned ya before don't mess with me 8) aight y'all end this discussion on me girl Jannah or else..... >:( >:( >:( muhahahahhahahahhaha...i will be back ................................. ze bruisin' cruisin' hijabi :-) [wlm] |
| 09/12/03 at 20:09:47 |
| Maliha |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 09/12/03 at 21:36:59 |
| [quote]Think of it this way sisters...Allah is giving all of you the opportunity to do things that you might not be able to do after you get married and start raising a family[/quote] That's exactly what I've been trying to tell myself :) I know it's easy to feel really alone sometimes and that you're going to be single for the rest of your life. which is a possibility true, but maybe that means that your prince charming is waiting for you in jannah, inshallah. but the point is let's try to keep ourselves busy working for our ummah, and who knows, by getting out there in the community and working hard, you might just find other people who are working hard too. and happen to be single. ;D [wlm] ruqayyah, who obviously didn't learn from the msa session entitled "MSA: isn't that the muslim hookup organization?". |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Kathy |
| 09/12/03 at 22:56:52 |
| [slm] [quote]I'm wondering now whether Jannah and Kathy will use their bruiser now to batter me -- aka Nur. [/quote] Ha Ha! I need no help or bruiser... Never have , never will... but when you least expect it... 8) I earned the title Momma Mod....there is a story behind it...do your homework if you dare... A couple of Muslims have felt my words sting their conscience... it is rare...but it happens... |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Ruh |
| 09/13/03 at 16:52:38 |
| [slm] Wow, I wanted to start a post like this a while ago, but figured it was already discussed (and i didnt know how to do a proper search--pardon my ignorance). Anyway I too am in a very similar predicament, although alhamdullilah my parents are supportive despite the fact they are "concerned". When I have mini-breakdowns every so often, they always remind me not to worry, and that it is written for us, etc... But still they are parents and concerned for me. I hear all the time I must be patient, etc etc... And I do try my best but sometimes, it just gets overwhelming, cuz I think we get to a point in our lives where marriage is just the next logical step. And when it seems everyone around you is getting hooked up, it causes one to feel even more lonely.... So girls, I totally empathize. BUT please please dont give up. InshaAllah Allah really does have amazing ppl saved for us. And think just how much we would appreciate him now, than say a few years ago. :-* What helps comfort me, is that I know many girls who waited and waited and got in their late 20's/early 30's, BUT they ended up with the most amazing of men--pretty much exactly what they wanted and more. And many are waay more happier than some of their counterparts who got married at earlier ages. One thing though, please tell me that the sisters who feel old and can't find anyone--arent like 21 or something? :-* Have a [].. we all need one sometimes. ;) massalam |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| a_lina |
| 09/15/03 at 02:02:09 |
| [slm] Guilty, as charged ::) Thank you, sis. anon., for posting this thread. It came in the nic of time for me. Been feeling the same lately though I haven't been searching for that long yet. Didn't realise there were so many sisters in the same situation. Sis. Ruh wrote [quote]What helps comfort me is that I know many girls who waited and waited and got in their late 20's/ early 30's BUT they ended up with the most amazing of men[/quote] There is a saying in Urdu that translates to something like " the fruits of patience are sweet". I agree with all those who said that there is a time for everything and when Allah Ta'aala wills it to happen, it happens. And it is for the best, Alhamdolillah. We, as human beings, do not have the ability to see what He has in store for us, and when things don't work as we want them to, we start giving up, getting depressed or blaming ourselves and others. Everyhing is a test from Him and He never tests us with a burden too heavy for us to bear. Patience is a virtue which has its reward. So all those sisters waiting for their Mr. Right, hang in there , don't give up, relax, have a [] , make du'aa and keep your faith in Allah Ta'aala strong. Insha'allah things will work for the best. [slm] :-) |
| Re: Giving up on Marriage? |
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| Adi28 |
| 09/15/03 at 09:16:03 |
| [slm] Dear Anon. the feeling i get from your post is that living at home with your family is majorly depressing you out. ..which is not a good thing cause your feeling all this pressure from everywhere which is not good for your health. so i think my advice for you would be to MOVE OUT!!! get your OWN APARTMENT!!(im assuming that your well into your twenties and can support yourself) if my sister who is 18 can live on her own and support herself im pretty sure you can do it too.....now im not saying move to another state or country ....just a few blocks will probably do it haha :) think about it seriously, you will be able to focus bettter on your studies without the constant reminder from your family that you arent married...and living on your own, believe me is a great thing!! and youll apperciate your family more afterwards ;) besides why shold you wait till you get married to move and have a life ?? do it now!! no sense in waiting around for some guy.... you start your life on your own and inshallah the rest will just fall into place ..belive me you cant put your life on hold waiting for that guy forever ya know? ok well i hope i helped salaams. Adilah |
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