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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| lucid9 |
| 09/12/03 at 10:34:12 |
| [slm] I'd like a ask a harmless question (harmless that is from a male point of view), but probably not from a female point of view. Why do sisters put off marriage so often untill they're like nearing 30? I mean as I understand it, **most** girls only have untill the age of 37 or whatever to have kids. So if ya get married when you are 30 or 29, that only leaves you like 7 years. before you have to start worrying about the increased risk of yur kids getting Down's syndrome.. So how many kids do such sisters want? If its like only one, I suppose its plenty cool to like "schedule" it sometime over 8 years. But if its like 3 or 4, holy smokes! Three or four kids over like 8 years is enough to break a women's health and is pretty hard to handle. And isn't it much better to try to space the kids out timewise? This is something which has always baffled me, (being a butthead, i guess that's not surprising). I would think its best to get married young. There are lots of cool guys out there who aren't gonna turn ya into a kitchen sink (i.e you can still become a doctor or brain surgeon or whatever) and it gives you a lot of time to plan your family. No? Am i being a butthead again, or am I asking a reasonable question? |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Kathy |
| 09/12/03 at 10:45:02 |
| [slm] A reason a woman may want to delay marriage is to finish her education... which usually takes her up to about 24. Few women that I have met, want to wait that long. If you have found it to be true, I believe it is the exception. On the other hand.. for those woman who do wait it is usually because of family responsibilities.... or theiir parents holding out for larger Mahr or better man. Some of the other sisters may say... it has taken 30 years to find a good Muslim Brother! ;) |
| 09/12/03 at 10:46:05 |
| Kathy |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Luminous |
| 09/12/03 at 11:20:02 |
| [slm] I have to agree with Sr. Kathy, but someone women don't put off marriage until they are thirty. They just don't find a good brother until them. I know a lot of srs nearing 30 who want to get married they just haven't found the right person. Wasalaam, :-) |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Caraj |
| 09/12/03 at 11:48:58 |
| Fear of wrong choices As Kathy mentioned, wanting to finish ones education. I also thing it is fear of a wrong choice, years ago one would treat a woman right or else her father and brothers would come shoot him, that is illegal now unfortunatly. ;) You're right about the worrying about downs syndrome and such but with modern tech and healthier ways of living and eatting that helps. I'm 41 and my husband is 38, he has had no children of his own and would like some, I know it is a little risky but we are going to try to start a family God willing. I also know of quite a few men who are in their 30's and 40's and never been married yet. Why is it people make such a fuss when woman wait but not when a man waits ??? My uncle (actually my 2nd uncle) got married at 55, It was his first and only marriage. I was at the wedding back in the 1970's . She has passed on now but they had 20 years of a commited and good marriage. |
| 09/12/03 at 11:49:35 |
| Caraj |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Potato |
| 09/13/03 at 00:19:57 |
| [slm] I am one of those nearing 30 who aren't married yet! :-[ (I'm almost 28 but am finally engaged alhamdulillah.) I haven't put it off because of education. If I did, I'd have to put it of for another 4 years or so because I'm not finished yet. The whole reason for the delay is lack of quality brothers. I've had so many suitors (you'd be shocked if I told you how many) over a period of several years, but there's always something wrong with them. The prophet [saw] said to marry those who have good deen and character. For a long time I thought good deen meant to be a perfect salafi, but those were few and lacked the character part. And here in the US, many guys are here without their families so it is hard to get seriously accurate information about their backgrounds. So to make a long story short, it's not always easy for a sister to find a suitable brother and get married at a young age. I was always afraid of marrying someone who I would wind up being miserable with. And I think many sisters delay for that reason. They don't want to wind up with a bad apple. But please, i just wish people would take it easy on sisters like us because it's hard enough not being able to find a proper husband. Criticizing us like we are fools doesn't make it any better. I'm not referring to you sister Lucid, but to people in general. Some people are just so insensitive. A few years back, my dentist wanted to force me to marry his friend who happened to be 15 years older than me, which was a problem considering that he looked even older than my father. >:( Sorry, I needed to vent!! :P [wlm] [] |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| theOriginal |
| 09/13/03 at 00:54:57 |
| [slm] What's that line? Don't blame the sheep for the clothes that are made from their wool. Right, I forgive you lucid. Okay so now that we got that covered...I don't know where you got your facts from. I didn't think that most sisters want to marry at 30. I would think -- in fact, I could be so pretentious to say that I know -- that most sisters would rather marry quite a few years earlier than the 30 mark. We'll leave it up to you to take the poll. Sisters who are not married at thirty are not married because of circumstance or maybe coz they have some other priorities...but I'd say...offhand...your post is just factually flawed. :-X Wasalaam. |
| 09/13/03 at 00:56:23 |
| theOriginal |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/13/03 at 02:40:28 |
| [slm] sis Potato wrote [quote] Criticizing us like we are fools doesn't make it any better. I'm not referring to you sister Lucid, [/quote] she is a he :P Reminds me of the thread 'Too much talk and no action'. [quote author=lucid9 link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 10:34:12] There are lots of cool guys out there who aren't gonna turn ya into a kitchen sink. [/quote] Spit it out lucid, who are you interested in ? . . . . Forgive me ppl ::) .... hey but i didn't start that thread ! |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| jannah |
| 09/13/03 at 04:34:23 |
| [wlm] Well said JustOne!! Why generalize and say " Why do sisters put off marriage so often untill they're like nearing 30? " that's so patently untrue, the proof being the majority of sisters married before age 30 and almost ALL who have considered rishtas well before the age of 30...... If you're going to say you know sisters that have put it off, why don't you go ask them/her why she's made the decision to put it off. (and what's it to you anyway btw??) Why don't u turn it around and ask yourself why you've put off marrying so long? When did you actually "decide" to get married? Why aren't u married? And does "deciding" mean you get married the next day? (all rhetorical questions, I don't know u and I'm not geting personal, but seriously think about it -- and then do i hear you say "It's difficult to get married. It's hard to find someone that's compatible, that your parents and you yourself will accept.") Anyway, there's just too many generalizations here for this to be a real thread. P.S.- If you want a mini-survey I've done one and the conclusion among the mafia here is that the best age to get married is after univ. meaning 22/23... but none of us control Qadr... and Allah knows best. |
| 09/17/03 at 22:03:38 |
| jannah |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Ankabut |
| 09/13/03 at 06:20:20 |
| [slm] I could not agree more with Sisters JustOne and Jannah :) in their responses. many sisters do not purposely delay marriage and would want to marry 'earlier' yet for a barrage of reasons ranging fom lack of good brothers, lack of parental and societal support, family responsibility and fear, many sisters do not. I think though that Sis Jannah sums it up beautifully when she said that Allah decrees all matters, which brings to mind a beautiful hadeeth which I will just relay in meaning - whatever has missed you would not have hit you and whatever has hit you would not have missed you - so whatever passes one by in this world is by the decree of the Most Wise, All-Knowing who knows what is best for all of us. Remember: " Qaddar Allah wa Maa shaa-a fa`ala" {Allah has destined, and He will do whatever he wishes} I just have to share this really hilarious, or maybe not (depending on your humour) line I read recently in an article written by a single muslim woman. I think a lot of sisters who have 'endured; ::) questions about when they're marrying might identify ... In a nutshell: 20 something single girl tired of being bombarded with innuendos, allusions and tactless inquisitions into her marital status wonders what all the aunties would say if she would turn the tables on them. Like at the next funeral, she decides to poke them in the ribs and smugly asks: So are you going to be next? I know, it's got a bid of a bad taste but alhamdulillah I have not felt like saying that to anyone. ;D [wlm] :-) |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Potato |
| 09/13/03 at 11:44:21 |
| [quote author=Nomi link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=0#6 date=09/13/03 at 02:40:28][slm] sis Potato wrote she is a he :P [/quote] [slm] :o :o :o Why have I always thought that Lucid was a girl???? Now this takes on a whole new perspective. Been rejected too often?? :P [wlm] |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/13/03 at 14:50:27 |
| [slm] [quote author=lucid9 link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=0#9 date=09/13/03 at 10:21:49] :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D[/quote] Hey btw does "bhabi" know how dumb you behave here on the board :P and lucid i like your real name ;) [slm] :) |
| 09/13/03 at 15:46:56 |
| Nomi |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nabila |
| 09/13/03 at 15:30:33 |
| [quote author=Nomi link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=0#11 date=09/13/03 at 14:50:27][slm] btw does "bhabi" know how dumb you behave here on the board :P [slm] :)[/quote] Lol- dont be shy, brother - I see you favor the direct approach. Much the best way. :D I dont think many women hold off marrying on purpose; its just so hard to find the right person. Plus, all you get in the media are those wacko fundies who like nothing better than to marry, steal children and divorce women on whim (stories of loving, caring husbands arent as exciting I guess) - maybe that subconciously affects people too, I guess. ma asalaamah and take care |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Potato |
| 09/13/03 at 18:11:00 |
| [quote author=lucid9 link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=0#13 date=09/13/03 at 17:22:59] [slm] Actually the point of the whole thread was Why do sisters put off marriage, when they now the longer they put it off, the harder it is to have a good-sized family. [/quote] [slm] We don't put off marriage. That would mean that we have good offers and just think to ourselves, "yeah, he's good, but I don't want to get married now." Most delays in marriage are because we don't want to hook up with a guy who we have doubts about because our concern is to have a good quality family. A "good-sized" family can be out of control if the proper chemistry is not there. And the concern is a proper one considering many of us have seen a lot of problems/divorce happen among our own families and/or acquaintances. I'm not really concerned at being able to have ten children. If a woman starts bearing children at 30, life isn't over and she can have quite a few children without a problem. This "having deformed children once you're in your late thirties" theory is just scare tactics in a society that works on destroying families, not building them. See the post about childbearing in older mothers. [wlm] |
| 09/13/03 at 18:12:09 |
| Potato |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/13/03 at 23:36:20 |
| = Assalamu-alai-kkum I couldn't help the topic on the board. Good thing that I can post what I am thinking before I forget I was thinking. Registering is such a pain! Well coming to da topic. I think now marriage is just a career option, for us. You know something the funny, its like we like to blame our parents that they make legal marriage difficult and make Zinah much easier. But.... With careers we tend to do just that. Like your parents and now we do the same thing. The Sunnah is that we should marry when you can, but they *I* have to wait because "...I have meetings to attend and planes to catch..." Nuff Said Once there was that we couldn't afford to marry so we wait because we have our careers. There is no balance we can find. When we do indulge in Zinah, we will blame on the wild wild west indeed! My simple question.... Marriage is not the end certainly..... but why make it so difficult that you get married at 33, have a child 38 and support the child for the next 14 years at least? That means you have to working till you are 52. Hmmm..... I know we muslims like to do everything at the last minute, is marriage also another one of those things that we have to put up till the last minute..... Talk about making life more dificult than it actually is.... thats certainly a talent we can't ever really hide. Heh! What was I doing before I posted this post...... mmmm I think I forgot. Swell! |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/15/03 at 02:28:23 |
| asalaam alakum br. lucid, its not quiet clear whether your married or not. If you are, i hope your wife does not see this post, because your making it clear that you are forced to choose this sister and are only accepting because she is the only one who will accept you. If your not married and have not found somoene, there are many sisters on this board who are also looking for a good brother. Maybe you can help to solve the problem you were talking about by marrying one of these wonderful sisters. Maybe one of the married aunties can help you...Sr. Kathy, maybe? and you can tell her what your looking for, and if any sister is interested in getting married can also email her what she is looking for and if you guys seem to be looking for the same thing it might work out inshAllah...then I get to attend a madinah wedding inshAllah!!! Sr. Kathy would you be willing to do it? if not, are there any married aunties or uncles who are willing to help these youngsters find their right mate in Madinah...think of ths ajer.... |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/15/03 at 03:47:38 |
| [slm] DISCLAIMER: Although i started it but i'm not the last anon..... who are these anons !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P and ppl i've been talking to Mr. Bean err i mean Mr. Lucid in private and he's such a nice guy, a litle emotional yes, but overall he's gr8 and what he talked about is how he see or has experienced things which "is" the case with many sisters. What sis jannah's survey says is just how another group of people think and that to me is also the right age. So you see Lucid most sisters in here agree with what you talked about and man! you don't have to be that obedient to me !!!!!!! That thing about changing your nick on chat was just a joke yaar. [slm] and check your Madina Inbox :) |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Kathy |
| 09/15/03 at 09:58:55 |
| [slm] Would I be willing to do it? Sure. Is it allowed on this board? Not publically, at this time...but you can always e-mail me. ..but I am thinking I am pretty tough and serious... and can the brothers...and sisters... handle it? I mean if they are uncomfortable with the 100 questions...than I am not your matchmaker. But the first question would be... or rather comment... (if need be) check with your parents to see if they will seriously consider a perspective mate "met" on line. People would have to absolutely understand that I will not betray confidences or reveal names. No matter how much you beg! Because of those who are handwriting analysis experts, never would i let each other see the actual writings until it got serious. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Tesseract |
| 09/15/03 at 20:58:41 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, I see some sisters talking about "deen and character" when they look for a "quality" brother for marriage (and I don't mean to imply that its something wrong to look for), but I have a real quick question for the sisters here. How much "education" of a brother has to do with his being a "quality" brother for marriage? In other words, will u have any/no hesitations in marrying a cab driver whose deen and character are excellent but has minimal education? I am not talking about family pressures here, I am talking about a sister making decision of her marriage, independently, without any pressures. I am not sure how the profession of taxi-driving is looked upon here in States/West (specially in Muslim community), but my observation is, people tend to look down upon this profession (Allahu A'lam), although cab-drivers make enough money, hence I picked it up as an example. Wassalamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmtullah. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Potato |
| 09/15/03 at 22:46:48 |
| [quote author=Bulwark of Islam link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=15#17 date=09/15/03 at 20:58:41]Assalamu 'alaikum, I see some sisters talking about "deen and character" when they look for a "quality" brother for marriage (and I don't mean to imply that its something wrong to look for), but I have a real quick question for the sisters here. How much "education" of a brother has to do with his being a "quality" brother for marriage? In other words, will u have any/no hesitations in marrying a cab driver whose deen and character are excellent but has minimal education? I am not talking about family pressures here, I am talking about a sister making decision of her marriage, independently, without any pressures. I am not sure how the profession of taxi-driving is looked upon here in States/West (specially in Muslim community), but my observation is, people tend to look down upon this profession (Allahu A'lam), although cab-drivers make enough money, hence I picked it up as an example. Wassalamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmtullah.[/quote] [slm] Bulwark, when I mentioned deen and character, really the most important thing was character, because deen without character is deen incomplete. So if a brother has a good character, but is not gung-ho salafi with a beard and a hafiz, but just a simple muslim who applies what he knows and is sincere and is willing to learn and improve, I take that as sufficient evidence of good deen. As far as education is concerned, I have 9 years of post-high school education and my fiancee only has 2, so there's an answer for you. Honestly, I was hesitant at first, but when I saw him as a whole, I did't have a problem with it. [wlm] |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/16/03 at 02:13:16 |
| [slm] [quote author=Potato link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=15#18 date=09/15/03 at 22:46:48] but is not gung-ho salafi with a beard [/quote] Another question for the sisters... Forget the salafi part... but even the religious sisters dont like getting married to bearded men, right? (plz remember its not a debate on beard's length) [slm] A happily engaged bro with a fist length cool beard :P PS: My "would be" could be one exception ! |
| 09/16/03 at 02:18:42 |
| Nomi |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| theOriginal |
| 09/16/03 at 09:46:03 |
| [slm] I just KNEW the first anonymous was Nomi. So typical. I also KNEW lucid/butthead was bean. And here I am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I should listen to my chhatti hiss more often. To answer the doc's Q: Without bringing in the parents, yeah I'd marry a pious cab driver who has a minimal formal education. (Although I have met some cab drivers here who are doctors by profession, but KanaDUH won't let them practice). If he has his brain intact and a personality that isn't pukey, seriously, I would. As long as he lets me do my PhD, should I want to. There is an obvious question aimed at the brothers in my statement. But let's ignore it, shall we? Wasalaam. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/16/03 at 10:09:28 |
| [slm] Okay let me count.............. yep i can post... my quota is not over yet! [quote author=JustOne link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=15#20 date=09/16/03 at 09:46:03] I just KNEW the first anonymous was Nomi. So typical. [/quote] and guess what?............. my anon post count is now.............. naah! still 1 Sorry "anon of this thread" i hope this sis din't offend you by calling you Nomi !! To the anon who asked sisters not to talk about marriage for a week: See ! they just can't resist ! [slm] :) PS: what about my Q?.... sisters can answer now, we have already lost the bet. |
| 09/16/03 at 10:11:20 |
| Nomi |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| sofia |
| 09/16/03 at 10:31:36 |
| [slm] I wasn't going to comment on this thread (and I agree there are too many marriage threads; I haven't even read most of them). But wowo, this thread is *bounding* with assumptions, and more by the minute. Most of them, false, btw. Like: -sisters who aren't married by 30 (or 30+) must be too picky or just don't want to get married until later in life. Ok, here, we need to more seriously study/understand the qadr of Allah and be satisfied with it. And to "tie our camel," too (ie, not sit back and do nothing. In the case of marriage, for most sisters, this means not rejecting a good bro. Let's not assume that every single sister has gotten all these good proposals that she's rejected; sisters have standards, too, that aren't necessarily "picky" in nature. There are "good" brothers who just want marriage to fall into their lap or want their mommy to set everything up for them, rather than go out there and actually investigate/propose. But props to the brothers who do put themselves out there and take risks, masha'Allah, by no means did I mean to paint every single bro with the same brush, as the original poster seems to do with single sisters). And bro Bulwark's question is a good one. I haven't "surveyed" my friends on this one yet, but my own opinion is that good bros are just hard to find, period. So as long as he's stable/responsible, his other characteristics that you mentioned should be more than enough to say yes to. I actually know of 2 sisters off the top of my head who considered brothers with *no* job at all, let alone a cab-driver, if that tells you anything. And sis JustOne also brings up another good point. A lot of sisters are really well-educated these days. How many bros less educated than her step to the plate? Even if she was ok with it? Few. It's sort of a complex some bros have, but I won't go there… -sisters who are "religious" do not want to get married to a bearded brother. News to me, I've never heard of this before in the states. Maybe true for women where you live? -that women can only have children until her late 30's. Newsflash: many women throughout history have had children later than this. -that women would rather work than be married. Actually, every single sister I've talked to about this has said the complete opposite, regardless of how many years of post-graduate study/work experience she's had. [just added: it may be that some sisters work/study before marriage because she thinks she has nothing better to do until marriage, which I don't nec agree with completely. But pt is, better not to assume that every working sister out there, in fact not even most, is so career-oriented that she'd put off marriage/family.] And these are just misconceptions from this one thread alone! There are countless others I've seen. Subhan'Allah. Interesting side story: my sister (who can prob tell the story better but doesn't have internet access right now) was shopping at the ISNA bazaar when an older, fatherly-type bro selling incense for a masjid and she started talking. He was giving her lots of advice and whatnot, thinking she was 16. Anyhow, out of nowhere, he says: "Don't worry if you're not married. There aren't too many good brothers out there, anyhow, and I would know. Whatever you do, [u]do not[/u] settle." :D He said it, I didn't. [disclaimer: "to settle" generally means to marry the next bro that comes along, particularly when it is not a good match/compatible, just for the sake of pressure, expectations, etc. Keep in mind the unfortunate high rate of divorce amongst American Muslims. And it's not due to inter-cultural marriage, but rather, ill-prepared spouses. Allahu A'lim.] Anyhow sisters, although marriage is definitely an ideal, never let anyone's judgement on your being single bother you. Again, we're dealing with qadr and rizq from Allah, not something we can complain about (as long as we don't reject good suitors!). Use your time wisely. Every married sister will tell you that. |
| 09/17/03 at 09:15:51 |
| sofia |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Fozia |
| 09/16/03 at 10:41:49 |
| [quote author=JustOne link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=15#20 date=09/16/03 at 09:46:03] I also KNEW lucid/butthead was bean. And here I am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I should listen to my chhatti hiss more often. [/quote] [slm] You know I was thinking that too, Br. Lucids signature at the bottom just smacked of Br. Mr. Bean But then I thought Br. Mr Bean was like my age and Br. Lucid sounds older and married pretty sure Br. Mr Bean wasn't. On the other hand I go through life thinking everyone is my age. I guess it'll get pretty interesting when I hit my 70's ::) Wasalaam |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Luminous |
| 09/17/03 at 08:27:34 |
| [slm] I have to agree with Sr. Sofia, I've never heard that a sister doesn't want to marry a brother with a beard. In fact I know many sister who want brothers with beards. Br. Nomi I think you need to take another poll on the beard issue. Okay now I've been reading the post and have come to the conclusion we are saying sisters are picky and put off marriage b/c of that. Can I turn this question around and ask why brothers are so picky (just my experiece). ??? Most the brothers I have met make large assumptions right off the bat like if the sister works or is pursuing higher education she is career oriented. Well maybe she's not but it gets assumed (once again own personal experiences). Sorry but I have to turn this question around on the brothers . . . for all those sister who are "putting off marriage" where are the brothers? I know a lot of older brothers who put off marriage and I'm wondering why? :-) |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| muahmed |
| 09/17/03 at 18:46:30 |
| [slm] ;-) [quote author=Potato link=board=sis;num=1063373652;start=15#18 date=09/15/03 at 22:46:48] So if a brother has a good character, but is not gung-ho salafi with a beard and a hafiz, but just a simple muslim who applies what he knows and is sincere and is willing to learn and improve, I take that as sufficient evidence of good deen. [/quote] What is with "perferct salafi" and "gung-ho salafi" being used as synonymous with "good Muslim" in some posts? All the extremely pious people I know are not at all salafi. I am not a salafi. I guess that makes me a below par Muslim by your standards (though if my character is good you might give me the allowance that I can improve in deen)???. |
| 09/17/03 at 18:48:07 |
| muahmed |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Abu_Hamza |
| 09/17/03 at 20:05:21 |
| what's a salafi? |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Trustworthy |
| 09/17/03 at 20:05:35 |
| [slm]... I've been so busy with the Madina Survivor game and personal issues that I haven't had the time to come and get intrigued by interesting posts as this. So here's my 2 cents and a half pence..... Br Lucid's ?: Boyyyyy! you sure know how to pick 'em or pick at 'em. But the answer to your question is.....*drdrdrdrdrdrdr*.....it really isn't the Sister at fault here. It's the brother's fault. If you guys were all goooood ya' kno', we wouldn't have to be so picky. He he he. Yikes! I better run for cover now. :o Seriously, Allahu Alim. 8) If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Men get to choose 1 out of 4 characteristics in looking for a potential wife, but women have to look for both characteristics. That's 1 and 2, religion and character. Not one or the other, not looks, not love, not beards, not education, so on and so forth. The extras are just a plus. Rarely do we find men with both characters. It really is hard you know. Wait until you look for a potential husband for your daughters or sisters. Those options aren't from a survey taken by Muslimahs either, it's an ordinance from Allah (SWT). It's Allah (SWT) that we have to answer to not our parents or anyone else. So lay off the pressure ok? Br Nomi's ?: Beards are cool and sweet. It's a Sunnah and that's from the Prophet (SAW) so that's a sign you guys are into the deen. Br Bulwark's ?: Education: High School graduate a must now a days - you all know that. (college-not necessary) besides you could always go back to school together. Jobs are a necessary as long as he does not stay working at McDonald's. Nothing wrong with cab drivers or gas station owners. Sr Potato: What's a salafi? Br Muhammed: I don't think the Sr had the intention of downgrading you. Please don't take it as such. I geuss I need to know what a salafi is. I hope I didn't wrong anyone or said anything to hurt anyone, insha-Allah. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| jannah |
| 09/17/03 at 22:02:08 |
| [wlm] Just had a correction to make. Jazakallah khair to the brother who noticed: Quote: but unfortunately none of us control Qadr Sis, I know it's a slip of the tongue/fingertips, but it's not appropriate for someone (especially at your level of ilm) to say "unfortunately" when talking about the Qadr of Allah (awj)! Alhamdulillah that we don't control the Qadr! The one who controls it is the best to control it, for our own benefit, even if we don't perceive its benefit. Allah yaHfaDhak. May Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) grant us all that station of Ridaa with his decree, and until then, help us in being patient with it. Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Tesseract |
| 09/19/03 at 13:55:03 |
| Assalamu 'Alaikum, [quote]Forget the salafi part... but even the religious sisters dont like getting married to bearded men, right? (plz remember its not a debate on beard's length) [/quote] [quote]-sisters who are "religious" do not want to get married to a bearded brother. News to me, I've never heard of this before in the states. Maybe true for women where you live? [/quote] To say that "religious" sisters do not want to get married to a bearded brother would be wrong in my not so worthy opinion, because "religious" is a very subjective term, and one can find all sorts of definitions and explanations for that, but I think I am not wrong (hopefully) in my observation that there ARE some sisters who look for "religious" brothers ( as they say so), the clean shaven ones, but that again being attributable to the term "religious" being subjective, and Allah knows the Best. Whatever that is, but it is/can be confusing for both sides, hence my (very personal) conclusion that one should find out about "practices" of the other person also before marriage. Not sure Nomi if that's what u meant to imply. [quote]Thats encouraging!.... (grow those beards guys)! [/quote] I hope I don't get u wrong here dude :), but anything that we do in our deen should be for the sake of Allah (swt) only, should be done because its an order of our Creator, the One who not only created us, but promised us to provide us the rizq, sustains us, and fulfills His promise. It should be out of His love, and His love for the Prophet (saw), and out of our love for Prophet Muhammad (Saw) as we have been told to. The Hadeeth "None of u can be a mu'min until I become more beloved to him/her than his/her parents" (these are not the exact words). I see some mixed intentions here if I start doing it because its an encouragement from the sisters. That's where Jihad bil-nafs comes into play, when u are being discouraged for something and u start feeling weak in commiting an act that u are sure is an act of serving Allah (swt). Shaitaan is using that discouragement to weaken ur nafs. But, please, that's just my personal opinion, maybe I am wrong here, maybe u didn't mean that, maybe I am missing something :). Allahu A'lam. [quote]Sorry but I have to turn this question around on the brothers . . . for all those sister who are "putting off marriage" where are the brothers? I know a lot of older brothers who put off marriage and I'm wondering why? [/quote] [quote]As for your question, i'll leave it for bro Bulwark of Islam and others to answer inshaAllah[/quote] My post/s in this thread do not mean at all that I am favoring the criticism why some sisters getting old are not married yet. SubhanAllah! It's none of my business to do that. May Allah forgive me if I have done that, and protect me from doing it ever (Ameen). Our actions and reactions are based on several factors like our knowledge (both religious and worldly, and knowing that Qadr is not in our control but believing in it is a part of religious knowledge), observations, experiences, worries, fears, desires and needs etc. When it comes to marriage, its a BIG decision, atleast for some of us (including both brothers/sisters) if not all. U can't just ignore things and wake up one morning and go to ur next door Muslim neighbour and ask her daughter's hand for marriage. There are some responsibilities to be fulfilled when u begin to build a relationship, specially when there are some "religious obligations" involved in it and then when u know ur own weaknesses/shortcomings, one needs to be more careful in choosng a partner because a lot is going to depend on those 2 persons' shortcomings/weaknesses. I have my own experiences, observations, fears and worries to justify why I am not maried yet and why I am so picky about choosing someone, and so other people may have too, but to accuse them of ignoring things deliberately, specially when u don't know what they have gone/are going through in their life is not befitting. May Allah forgive me if I said something wrong/inappropriate. [quote]Br Bulwark's ?: Education: High School graduate a must now a days - you all know that. (college-not necessary) besides you could always go back to school together. Jobs are a necessary as long as he does not stay working at McDonald's. Nothing wrong with cab drivers or gas station owners. [/quote] Gas station owners, in most cases, have convenience stores also, where they sell alcohol, which is Haraam earning. Wassalamu 'alaikum. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Trustworthy |
| 09/19/03 at 14:56:56 |
| [slm] [quote]Gas station owners, in most cases, have convenience stores also, where they sell alcohol, which is Haraam earning[/quote] Don't get me started on this one cause that's what I keep arguing about and McDonald's/restaurants/grocery stores (non-halaal) as well, but nobody gets it. They just keep trying to justify it with well.....blah blah blah. I don't know. I don't understand blah, blah, blah. So I gave up with ALLAHU ALIM!!! [s]But don't say I didn't warn ya'.[/s] I better stop before I get into trouble. ::) And you're right about the word religious having many definitions. Like in my community, you are religious and can do no wrong if you've ever studied Islam abroad (now that's just in the men's case, of course, us women are tainted no matter what). Don't get me started on that either cause I'll just start screaming. But it's true, some "religious" women here do prefer clean shaven over bearded. I can say there are about 3-4 men here who have true beards. Others are either clean shaven or have stubs. Ya Rubb!! I better quit. Ma-asalaama.... |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 09/19/03 at 15:30:47 |
| asalaam alakum, actually, one of my friend's father's owns a gas station with a convience store, and her father does not sell alcohol, nor pork. INFACT, she says he reads the label on each and every item before putting it on the shelf. MashAllah they are doing well and have not lost business because of not selling those things. But your right, unfortnately some Muslims do sell these things. how sad....may Allah guide them inshAllah. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 09/19/03 at 15:36:41 |
| asalaam alakum again, forgot to post about the actual post. Br. Lucid, you bring up some valid points...i do see some sisters that are picky, and some sisters are not at all. I was actually reading an article about sisters who are unable to find Muslim men to marry them and are turning to non-Muslim men. Many of them say they regret it, but they had no other choices. First of all, its haram for Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men, but also think how the kids are going to raised. I feel sorry for them. One sister in the article was like 37 years old. So brothers, please when looking to get married, I only ask you one thing, pleaaaaaaaase do not consider non-Muslim women. You are really hurting your Muslim sisters by doing this as you are not giving them a chance to Marry a Muslim man and therefore throwing them into sin by marrying a non-Muslim man. |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/19/03 at 16:01:18 |
| [slm] I've taken off my previous post and am pasting it here with a "definition" i.e. by religious i meant offers her prayers + Hijabi + lowers her gaze + is kind to everyone + will help one grow in deen. ok i'll end it here. That thing about growing beards.... that was fun dawah (if any such thing exists) [color=Black] sis Sofia wrote [quote] sisters who are "religious" do not want to get married to a bearded brother. News to me, I've never heard of this before in the states. [/quote] Thats encouraging!.... (grow those beards guys)! But i would like to hear other sisters opinion on this too. Their silence must mean something!, regardless of their whereabouts (or may be i'm just beating about the bush!) [/color] and indeed all our actions should be for Allah wassalam |
| 09/19/03 at 16:10:26 |
| Nomi |
| Re: A question about age, females, and marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 09/19/03 at 16:25:48 |
| and here is that other (deleted) post [quote] Okay sisters two replies saying the same thing about religious sisters around you, are enough for me. You sisters are gr8 mashaAllah. As for your question, i'll leave it for bro Bulwark of Islam and others to answer inshaAllah. jazakumullah [/quote] I really admire sisters who said (and others who believe in this) that they'll happily marry bearded men and what i mean by bearded men is bearded religious men and religious to me means... (refer to definition in the post above, ofcourse minus the hijabi part :P ) Growing beard wasn't easy for me, same might be the case with many other brothers out there and i think "religious" sisters shouldn't reject them (not that anyone is...) [slm] again..... a happily engaged, happily bearded brother :P PS: and i quite agree with sis onemuslimgirl PS2: What am i doing here!! i've got a contest to win... inshaAllah :P |
| 09/19/03 at 16:37:55 |
| Nomi |
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