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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Divorce - Remarriage |
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| SisterHania |
| 09/12/03 at 14:12:17 |
| [slm] I was just reading some of the other threads and started wondering about re-marriage. Have any of you sisters or brothers been previously married and after a death or non-reconciliation with the first partner found contentment with a new partner? What were the reasons for the 1st marriage breaking down (you don't have to answer that if its too personal) Was there any stigma from society and thus more difficulty to find a new partner after already being married once? Did you find your 2nd husband/wife yourself or did a broker/family member introduce you? Before you first got married what was the main criteria you looked for in your future spouse. After your first and before your second marriage how had your criteria changed (if any) and what was the most important thing you looked for in your future spouse? After your first marriage did you ever feel you did not wish to re-marry and why? [wlm] |
| Re: Divorce - Remarriage |
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| tryharder |
| 09/27/03 at 16:46:16 |
| [slm] I can answer most of your questions, but not all ... hope you dont mind! At least I can give you some insight into 2/3 of the issue. I was married and am now divorced and looking again (or not really actively looking now, but some things have sorta just happened.) The reason for the breakdown of my marriage was, sadly, abuse. It started verbally very quickly and physically within a few months of marriage. We were seperated after 7 months and divorced after 11 mos. I have had mixed experiences in terms of society (Islamic society I mean). Many people have asked me if I did something to make him mad and make him hit me. >:( Those people very quickly learned what I look like mad and that abuse is NOT EVER the fault of the abused. I also had people ask me how much I did to try to reconcile, which is really none of their business but I put up with it and tried for 7 months. Unfortunately, that is really short compared to most people. There is a hadeeth that advises us to learn from the mistakes of others, rather than make our own. I may have made a mistake in marrying him, but I was not about to end up like some women I knew who stayed in marriages like that for years and had children with those men. I have also experienced empathy from people. So it runs the gammut. In my search for someone else, the brothers I have talked to are people I met myself. But I think that will change. Before I got married, all I wanted was a Muslim who loved me. (Naive, I know, but I was a brand-spankin-new muslim at the time.) Now my criteria is TOTALLY different and MUCH more specific. My priority now is someone who not only is Muslim in name, but who lives it in every aspect of his life. Someone who loves Allah SWT and His Prophet [saw] more than anything or anyone else, more than life. I still go in and out of stages, hoping to get married, then shuttering at the thought ... Allahu alim. Hope this gives you at least some (although incomplete) insight, from my perspective. [slm] :-) |
| Re: Divorce - Remarriage |
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| Kathy |
| 09/29/03 at 09:11:43 |
| [wlm] Must admit... wondering why you are wondering! Hope this helps you and others with whatever trial you are going thru... [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] Have any of you sisters ... been previously married... non-reconciliation with the first partner found contentment with a new partner?[/quote] Yes [quote]What were the reasons for the 1st marriage breaking down[/quote] green card, abuse and accusations of adultry...years later, found out there were unfounded reasons for all of that. [quote]Was there any stigma from society and thus more difficulty to find a new partner after already being married once?[/quote] Oh yeah! Many of the woman nod in a consescending way when they hear you were divorced, in fact my hubby refuses to tell his parents I wa married before. I think it is harder to find a new partner, mostly because of the virginity issue and they wonder what the 'real' reason of the divorce. [quote]Did you find your 2nd husband/wife yourself or did a broker/family member introduce you?[/quote] Saw him at the meat market...i just love saying that!... but a 'broker' introduced him and was a go between. [quote]Before you first got married what was the main criteria you looked for in your future spouse.[/quote] I too was rather a new Muslim, and was thrilled to find a Muslim man in my little city. The criteria was simple...good man, good with kids, job and friendly. [quote]After your first and before your second marriage how had your criteria changed (if any) and what was the most important thing you looked for in your future spouse?[/quote] By now, I was more interested in a man who was involved with the community. I was much more interested in his deen... but still interested in the fact whether he had a job, enough to support a wife. I was also more interested in his ways of dealing with anger and troubles. I was also willing to settle, :o, because by now I was an older woman, thought I was barren, divorced, fat and I had to be realistic. [quote]After your first marriage did you ever feel you did not wish to re-marry and why?[/quote] Never, not for a moment... My parents had a wonderful marriage, my first marriage was relatively wonderful and I knew that it is definately possibe to have a great marriage so I went for it! |
| Re: Divorce - Remarriage |
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| Samah |
| 10/02/03 at 11:54:32 |
| [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] Have any of you sisters or brothers been previously married and after a death or non-reconciliation with the first partner found contentment with a new partner? [wlm][/quote] Yep. [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] What were the reasons for the 1st marriage breaking down (you don't have to answer that if its too personal) [wlm][/quote] I was in a co-wife situation (polygamy) and he was not being fair to me. [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] Was there any stigma from society and thus more difficulty to find a new partner after already being married once? [wlm][/quote] I think the difficulty lies in people's cultural perspectives on divorce rather than Islamic ones. My difficulty in remarrying was in my own personal feelings. [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] Did you find your 2nd husband/wife yourself or did a broker/family member introduce you?[wlm][/quote] I met him on campus. [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] Before you first got married what was the main criteria you looked for in your future spouse.[wlm][/quote] I looked at piety, compatiability, and his future goals. [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] After your first and before your second marriage how had your criteria changed (if any) and what was the most important thing you looked for in your future spouse?[wlm][/quote] I definitely focused more on Islamic practice! [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1063386737;start=0#0 date=09/12/03 at 14:12:17] [slm] After your first marriage did you ever feel you did not wish to re-marry and why?[wlm][/quote] I did because I didn't understand how I was doing everything a wife should do but still found myself with the wrong person. I realized that i made my choices and perhaps this was a learning experience. |
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