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| how should i approach them? |
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| buL-buL |
| 10/01/03 at 00:50:34 |
| [slm] Need advice on how to approach my non practicing brothers (ages 20, 16). My parents dont really have much control over them anymore. I feel i should do something about them since we are closer in age and i might have a better influence on them. But the problem is i just dont know HOW to educate them about Islam without sounding like i'm preaching all the time. They've stopped praying, they dont take Ramadan seriously, flunking in school and whenever i bring this up they just want me to stop being so bossy. I feel like i'm trying to pull up a weight of a ton from a deep well. What to do??? [wlm] |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| gift |
| 10/02/03 at 07:43:05 |
| [slm] 1. Flunking in school - perhaps when they're having problems with homework/other school work you could help them out. You have to be a bit sneaky here and make them think [i]they[/i] asked you for help rather than you were willing to offer it. ;) 2. They've stopped praying - maybe you could bring them back gradually. Perhaps you could maneouver them into watching a short Hajj documentary with you - maybe some of those powerful images of the Musilm ummah praying in harmony will have some effect. How about intentionally :P listening to recitation of the Qur'an quite loudly - so that they can hear it? Maybe choose a really nice recitor whose recitation is not too slow, but is still very beautiful - you could try Sheikh Mishari Rashid al-Efasi's recitation of Surah Mulk - which you can download by clicking [url=http://english.islamway.com/bindex.php?section=echapters&recitor_id=10]here[/url] 3. The don't take Ramadan seriously - how about getting them to read a Ramadan diary - it may have an effect??? Try one of these from last year, click [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1036674896]here[/url] Or how about trying this article [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1038194595] here[/url] it really touches the heart. Lastly, how about the poem [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1015940712] here [/url] Just my 2 cents worth sis, may Allah 'azza wa jal reward you for your efforts. [wlm] |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| lucid9 |
| 10/02/03 at 11:58:57 |
| [slm] If you have family "back home" like Pakland, India, Bangladesh, Egypt, Syria, etc.... you might send them home for 6 months. They probably need a total change of environment --- something that will cause them to reboot their brains. They are probably heavily into music, tv, going out, coming home late. There are so many young muslims like that here in england, and sooner or later most of them end up getting involved in drugs and dabbling in some drink every now and then. There is probably nothing you can do. But sending them "home" may act as a sort of "detox" from the materialistic lifestyle they now enjoy. I had a cousin just like that. He enjoyed it a lot back home, but my grandmother had to send him back when he started beating the servants. Even so, he did change, and is gradually getting better. He still doesn't go to school, but now he goes to the mosque regularly and hangs out with practicing muslims. A lot of time when kids start disrespecting their parents its because they have a major league chip on their shoulders, an inferiority complex, and thus resent everything their backwards parents who are still steeped in "old fashioned" mores stand for. Once such kids go back and sample real muslim culture they start to have more respect for their family and have more self-belief, cuz they find out that muslim culture is actually kinda cool... |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| Fozia |
| 10/02/03 at 13:26:27 |
| [quote author=hyper link=board=madrasa;num=1064980236;start=0#2 date=10/02/03 at 11:58:57] my grandmother had to send him back when he started beating the servants. [/quote] :o :o :o |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| Nomi |
| 10/02/03 at 15:46:36 |
| [slm] I can somewhat relate to your post! I've this black sheep cousin who is 15. He doesn't offer his prayers, yells at his (younger) siblings, doesn't listen to his mom and coz his fathers stays away for business so i try to keep a check on him. I've tried many things on him but what seems working is a lil tainted approah. I try to outsmart him in a friendly way! i.e. he is into cricket and badminton and stays out of home late for these games. I'm good at these sports so when he streches the time limits i simply go to him and his friends and start playing with them, to outplay them!! For instance last night kids were playing badminton in the street with flood lights ON and he hangs out with them till 11:00 PM! i went to them at around 10:00 and started playing with them, lost 1st game, won next four, told him that i'm tried now and WE should go home now. The idea is to influence him and be a role model for him. There is another stupid game that he is into i.e. "Snooker" now this thing is simply not acceptable, like its wastage of time, money and then they play stupid music there and walls are full of stupid posters! I once was into this game so when his mom complains to me that hes again there playing it. I go there and play with him, beat him with a big lead, crack jokes during the play and take him home when we are done. Along with all that ask him to offer his prayers time to time. I've learnt a lesson from his case and am trying to guide his siblings before they reach his stage i.e. alhamdulillah i read out hadiths and ayahs to them about tawheed, prayer, dhikr etc daily with transliteration (with gaps due to my laziness!!) hoping that Allah [swt] will guide them and alhamdulillah they offer 3-4 prayers daily, inshaAllah they'll improve on it. Now whats said above is definitly preaching but children should be brought up in a way that this process shouldn't sound like preaching to them. I dont know exactly how to explain it but what children see around them or what is provided to them they simply adopt it. Parents should not only keep a check on what their kid is learning in school and make them unlearn the stupid secular things that are taught to them there, but they should also keep a check on what kids are getting on their TV!! Many kids only shows are secular in nature with "papa dont preach" like stuff in them. My view is that kids from their early age only should be provided with *selected* cartoon, *selected* sports programs and stuff like discovery channel and *thats it*. Even the sports channels are full of cheaposity these days, now u know what i mean here!! If you make your children avoid those programs even then omce in a while these channels keep playing ads of wrestling matches, beach volley ball etc! Its a full time job, each one of us will become a parent someday inshaAllah, so we must be very very careful as we'll be held accountable on judgementday for what we give to our kids. correct me if you find me wrong anywhere. wassalam. |
| 10/02/03 at 16:15:07 |
| Nomi |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| faith |
| 10/02/03 at 21:11:26 |
| [slm] I have the same problem with my bro who is 20 years old, and is studying in a local university. He is so absorbed in the worldly 'western' activities, like loud music, playing guitar, having a girl friend, missing fajr prayers when he is at home, etc. Since he lives out with his friends and only returns home on weekends, I really don't know if he prays at all on weekdays . Mum and I have been 'Living Islam' for the past few years, since my parents divorced. Seeking knowledge about Allah has really both healed our wounds from the divorce but unfortunately, my bro who was a teenager then did not join in on our quest for knowledge. Now, he is quite stubborn about things, and we are afraid for his deen. So last week, for the first time, my bro agreed to attend an Islamic lecture with us on sunday morning. Alhamdulillah, at least he was awake half of the time! Furthermore, I bought lecture videos from Meccacentric.com and hopefully he will agree to watch it this weekend. I was thinking, if he wont come to lectures, then the lectures will come to him. Any further suggestions, brothers and sisters? I fear for my brother's deen. :-) |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| Nomi |
| 10/03/03 at 01:59:00 |
| [slm] Here is how my friend's elder sis does it: He does offer his prayers and stuff but his married sis is way ahead in deen mashaAllah. So whenever she visits her mom's she takes printouts of duas and stick them to noticeable places, like dua to leave home on the door that leads outside, dua to go into washroom on the washroom door. Well this may have sounded awkward to you but you see there are levels of faith. They've a beautiful home and she does it really neat, you sisters can do the same but use different ayahs/verses from Qur'an and Hadiths that touch one's heart preferrably for salat/prayer only, as Allah [swt] says in The Noble Qur'an that "salat protects you from evil doings" (interpretation of the meaning). When they'll start offering it, it'll lift their deen inshaAllah. Just a thought wassalam Asim Zafar. PS: If putting these ayahs and hadiths at various places in the house doesn't sound like a good idea then you can only put them outside the door of your room. um..... and use a bigger font-size inshaAllah :) |
| 10/04/03 at 14:18:37 |
| Nomi |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| Tesseract |
| 10/03/03 at 15:55:30 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, Aim at something that has long term effect. Try to change ur brothers' company. Often that is not easy, so try to get some religious people (preferably religious brothers of same age as ur brothers, not old uncles) who remain in touch on regular basis, with not only ur brothers but their friends also. If the whole group of close friends rather than one person alone will be persuaded to attend masjid or pray in jama'ah, they most likely will end up doing it, although maybe not seriously in the beginning, but slowly and gradually it'll have an effect on all of them InshaAllah. Try to find out who is the ring leader (usually there is one), and approach him more often. Ramadan is coming InshaAllah, try to avail the opportunity, and get in touch with some young, regular-masjid guys, and ask them to company ur brothers' circle of friends. Hope that helps. Wassalam. |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| buL-buL |
| 10/07/03 at 17:13:34 |
| [slm] Jazakallahu khair for all the advice. There is just no way of communicating with them without getting into an argument. I just got cursed at by the 20 year old. I will try out some of the suggested approaches. Inshallah it will work. [wlm] |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| lucid9 |
| 10/08/03 at 05:23:22 |
| [slm] If you really love your brother, like realllllly love your brother then you will keep trying to encourage him no matter how nasty he gets. If you try to be nice to him despite his idiocy and still encourage him to pray, even if it is just once a day....something will stick....believe me...i have lots and lots and lots of experience about this kind of thing. You may think your advices and admoninations are in vain and go through one ear and quickly pass out of the other, but believe me when i say that something remains. Because of this kind of encouragement, kindness and continual advices i have seen muslim kids, who are doing lots of bad stuff -- but not that incredibly bad stuff. Basically they cannot go all the way. For example they might have a girlfriend, but because of the continual islamic nagging of their parents and family, they feel uncomfortable about sleeping with their girlfriend. They might drink but they will shy away from eating pork. They have a guilty complex about lots of issues which cause them to shy away from the worst behaviour. I'll tell you an example, i have a cousin who wanted to open a topless bar. Yes! Believe it or not! He was very far from islam. But his parents were kind to him, and he has since shyed away from such odious behaviour. I think he still goes to the disco -- but i think he has developed a slowly growing love for islam as he grows older. Inshallah one day he will put all his dodgy behaviour behind one day and become a good muslim. This is because of his increasing maturity, but also because of the long standing kindness of his parents (particularly his mother). The muslims who do really bad things, and sleep around, and drink and pray only on eids are the ones who were rejected by their parents. Their parents just gave up on them because they were so difficult, troublesome, etc. They stopped advising them, thinking "what is the point? All he does is tell me to f&*$ off..." But believe me, there is a point. Just keep trying and be positive. If you think things are bad now, if you stop your brotherly/sisterly advices -- it can get a whole lllllooooooooooooooottttttttt worse.... Never underestimate the power of love and kindness and continual kind reminders to pray and be more islamic. It works, it just sometimes takes a decade to take effect. with best wishes to Y'all.... |
| Re: how should i approach them? |
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| faith |
| 10/09/03 at 04:58:21 |
| [slm] I agree with Brother Hyper. Mum and I are kind to bro', and we don't really say 'don't do this, don't do that' since it will only increase his rebelliousness. Boys that age are stubborn, and have a big ego. If they don't rebel in front of you, they will rebel behind your back. We have given up telling him not to smoke... :( So, the only approach we are trying is to remind him about Allah, by going to Islamic lectures, and do his daily prayers. We had to sweet-talk him to go to lectures with us, with promises of nice big lunches at some nice restaurants after the lecture. InshaAllah, the lectures will have an effect on my bro. So far, the results are encouraging. He actually said bye and kissed my hand before leaving home last weekend. I was :o. Alhamdulillah. [p.s. in my culture, the young shake and kiss the hands of the elder as a sign of respect, esp. children to parents]. |
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