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how to make it better?

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how to make it better?
missy
10/09/03 at 13:19:59
[slm] sisters,

 I'm sure the first few months of being married is difficult to adjust to, but, is there any advice anyone can give me to make it easier? Me and my new husband have been at each others throats for several days, and it's really unhealthy whether we just got married or not. And I feel so bad about it too, I think it's in part due to not being able to live together all the time. But, that's something we can't help right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Re: how to make it better?
theOriginal
10/09/03 at 13:31:16
[slm]

SubhanAllah.

Sister...advice: no I haven't got any.  Just take it easy...try to relax.  Every time you get angry, sit down, demand a glass of water -- which you should drink slowly, 3 sips at a time -- go do wudhu, and then come back and SMILE and say "The feeling of wanting to kill you has passed me by, I have supressed my instinct by way of ancient Buddhist traditions...now howz about you make me a niceeeee cup of tea?  Thanks."

Okay, all jokes aside.....don't act on impulse, especially when you're in a state of extreme emotion. Memorize the following identity:

extreme anger/extreme happiness = extreme actions = extremely bad.

(hugglez)....praying for you.

Wasalaam.
Re: how to make it better?
Maliha
10/09/03 at 16:30:18
[slm]
awwwwww sis Missy {{{{{hugggsssssssss}}}} :-*
May Allah facilitate your affairs and make it easy for you to get over this hurdle (Amin).

I hate to sound like the preacher woman on the wife issue ::) but jus one thing that never fails...
Don't be too proud to apologize.
Sometimes even if it's not my fault I apologize for my part in it..cuz in every "fight" or argument, even if he "started" it, it takes two to argue..therefore, i would apologize for my part in it. Like "I am sorry I might have over reacted" or "I am sorry I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions..." etc
it really really really helps to diffuse the situation, and the other person automatically looks at themselves. Cuz there's nowhere else to go after that.
Normally, that gets my hubby to apologize too and we end up on the same plane where we can discuss rationally.
Actually he taught me the whole apology "trick". Cuz i would get mad, and then once he apologizes, I actually feel "bad" for giving him a hard time...
it really works.

Also on the times that you are not fighting, go out of your way to do really really sweet things. That generally makes up for the bad times and even when you fight it's those really nice memories together that cushion those bad times.

chill out too..don't take things about each other sooo seriously and learn to *OVERLOOK*..as much as we try to pretend, dude no one is perfect. The minute i find myself dwelling on my hubby's faults, i bring to mind *consciously* all of *My* faults..and Allah knows I have too many.
Therefore, it keeps me humble in the relationship and my approach to life and people in general.

LASTLY, (sorry can't help it), your hubby is a *person*. So, treat him with the same courtesy, respect, friendliness, and (*flirtiness* ;)   for him alone)that you would treat anyone else, and even more so.
I think sometime we tend to forget they are individuals too, and the fact that they are our hubbies they deserve even more love, respect,etc :-*

anywho, sorry please don't throw up...jus' some things that have helped along way.

i don't know i think sometimes a lot of the first year "hurdles" can be completely eliminated by some really simple and mundane things that people tend to either forget or refuse to implement or ...i don't know...what breaks down somewhere on the road.

Inshaallah lotsa duahs help too :)


Sis tranna help :-)
[wlm]
Re: how to make it better?
missy
10/09/03 at 19:45:06
[slm].

Thanks for the advice, tonight we're going to have a talk about things. It always seems it's the little things that we let get to us, and the big things we don't have a problem with at all. I think it's just trying to adjust to being married, and trying to spend time with him, while doing a bunch of other stuff and not even being able to live with him all the time...In a couple months we'll be able to, insha'Allah.
Re: how to make it better?
Caraj
10/10/03 at 14:52:16
Missy, hopefully your talk went well. Take it from someone who knows, that on again / off again living situation makes it difficult. Just when you think your adjusting you seperate only to have to try to adjust again.

My advice, keep the lines of communication open, don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles carefully. Usually after fussing about something small, we later wonder why we wasted so much energy on the subject.

I feel for you, as I am going through it right now, hubby has been home less than a month after an 8 1/2  month absence.
Two more months Sis, two more months.
Re: how to make it better?
missy
10/15/03 at 23:07:25
[slm],
 

 We sort of talked about it, he says things and says I take them wrong. But he knows the english language and I don't see how he can expect me to take certain things he says any other way. But I try not to get too upset with him now. I think he also likes to make me mad, he even admitted that he did something knowing it would make me mad.  ??? Men....  ::)
Re: how to make it better?
yumna
10/17/03 at 12:52:16
[slm] :-*sis mayb he thinks this is the only way he can get ur attention  :-/....ya i no ...mayb
Re: how to make it better?
Caraj
10/17/03 at 14:28:40
Does it cause he knows it will make you mad or upset   :(
Does he also pull your ponytails like the little school boys do when they have a crush???    ;D    Ok ok, I know that was not uplifting and encouraging.

Missy you have been in my mind and heart, how are you doing sis?
(Short of maybe wanting to do Chinese water torture on hubby)
Let us know how your fairing ok?
Re: how to make it better?
missy
10/20/03 at 01:54:40
[slm],

 Things are getting better, I think it maye have been stress from his work, not living together all the time, and he quit smoking and didn't even tell me. But, I think he was having a rough time with things that he wasn't telling me about. And then I stress out to easily, and he knows that. I think that's why he would do or say things to make me upset also. This week has been much better, thanks to Allah. I've been praying about it. I have to go get to bed or I'd write some more, but I'm tired. Thank you all for the advice, and replies. I've also been trying to stay calm, and just let things go in one ear and out the other.  
Re: how to make it better?
Nomi
10/20/03 at 02:27:27
[slm]

MashaAllah, its good that you stay calm, may Allah [swt] bless you with more sabr as that's the key inshaAllah and has he got access to the internet? It'll be gr8 if you can get him on the board, BroHanif and i'll e-hook up with him and discuss some stuff in the Ikhwans! (indirectly ofcourse)

[slm]
Making dua for you.
10/20/03 at 02:36:14
Nomi
Re: how to make it better?
faisalsb
10/20/03 at 14:57:09
[slm]

:)

I have been pessimistic about women having good sense of humor and I think following lines give me another reason to believe so:

[quote]I think he also likes to make me mad, he even admitted that he did something knowing it would make me mad.   Men.... [/quote]

I had this problem on the board with some memebers and I have found the solution by mentioning it in brackets for instance when I am kidding or joking I would write "(Just kidding ......)" at end of the sentence. I think someone needs to convey the same advice to husband of sister missy .....:)  (Just kidding ........)
10/21/03 at 02:13:26
faisalsb
Re: how to make it better?
theOriginal
10/20/03 at 17:05:01
[slm]

[quote author=Faisal Siddique link=board=sis;num=1065716399;start=0#10 date=10/20/03 at 14:57:09]
I have been pessimistic about women having good sense of humor and I think following lines give me another reason to believe so[/quote]

Not to be dishumorous (as is expected of me, being female), I take offence to that statement.

Wasalaam.

P.S.  (Just kidding)

Re: how to make it better?
sajda
10/20/03 at 18:14:41
While I can relate to your present difficulty, I don't think I can offer any help. Marriage is kind of like riding a bucking horse, cause you ultimately have to make the ride for yourself. Someone can advise you with something that worked for them & then it may not work for you because your husband is not the same individual their husband is.
 I've been married over 20 years. We still fight sometimes , hey that's life. I sure can't give you the secret for living the rest of your life with someone & never arguing. If you run across that secret let me know  ;)
 There are just arguments in just about every relationship I have. I argue with my sisters, my kids, my husband. I used to want to know everything my husband was thinking and feeling. Then I got my wish, he began to tell me everything he was thinking and feeling. Then...I just wanted him to go back to keeping his thoughts to himself again hahaha.
 Yes we still have arguments sometimes. You do begin to wear out over the years though and choose your battles more carefully & let the small stuff slide. You know at least my marriage has not been boring all these years :) If you were to ask me how I made it through over twenty years of marriage I would honestly have to say ..."I dunno?" It must have been Allah's mercy on the ignorant :)
 So I really just wasted your time cause I don't have any good advice. But as bad as arguments are I really think they are just perfectly natural when you live with anybody.
Re: how to make it better?
missy
10/22/03 at 17:15:06
[slm],
 
  [quote]has he got access to the internet? It'll be gr8 if you can get him on the board, BroHanif and i'll e-hook up with him and discuss some stuff in the Ikhwans! (indirectly ofcourse) [/quote]

 Nomi, he does, but only at work, and most of the time can't get online since his boss is 'mean' and won't let him play at work.  ;) The poor guy..I'll ask him if he likes message boards though.

 
Things have really calmed down for us, it's nice. It was just so weird, before we really never argued about things, then we got married, and we started to argue and pick at little things.
Thank you every one for the help, I do appreciate it.  :)


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