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| Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Anonymous |
| 10/14/03 at 13:54:28 |
| Assalaam alaikum wr wb I've been lurking a lot, and i hope some brothers and sisters can help me. I have been married one year now (i'm 27 and she's 19). She's due to deliver in about a month and half. My problem is that i just don't understand what's going on. Sometimes she's really happy and sometimes she is very very angry at me. Couple of days ago we went shopping and spent like 6 hours walking around and going to different stores. End of the day, i needed to do some studying for some Islamic classes i take and she got really mad and said i should have done all of that before marriage. Then she didn't talk to me for about a whole day. Even though one of the big reasons we got married is because we're both interested in studying Islam. Why the roller coaster emotions? I try to do so many things for her, driving her around, buying whatever ice cream she wants and things like that, then she says "You're so mean". Even though i bought her a car and she has her license now, i'm still being her chauffer a lot. Originally, she was studying Islam at a local girls madrasa, then she quit and doesn't want to go back. So i told her i would pay all the fees for her to study Islam from any of those online or distance Islamic studies courses. She said "NO!". I said i would pay for her to get a degree in teaching from any university around here, because the Islamic schools here need good qualified teachers. She said "NO!". I said we could study Arabic together, go over some books together and so on. She said "NO!". I'm thinking, this is not the person i expected to be married to. I don't ask her to cook or clean (i do it myself and have been since i was in college). She doesn't cook or clean for my parents (and they don't want her to either). She really has no responsibilities, is not asked to work or study, so she watches tv from 10 or 11 am to about 9 or 10 pm. Every day. Some days she goes and spends the whole day at her mom's house (they live about 45 minutes away). I thought it's good if her parents are close so she can maintain relationships with them. But it's weird that she tells me to come over at least once or twice a week. They're nice people but why am i spending 5-10 hours a week at my in laws house? Usually i sit by myself on the couch, so i bring some books to read. At least i get some reading done. I have no idea what she does there, even though she's there 2-3 days a week. I remember before i got married, everyone told me "Have patience" "Marriage teaches you patience" etc. So i'm keeping my mouth shut, being patient, and thinking that 1. she's young 2. she's pregnant 3. she's a woman and i'm a man and there's no way i would understand completely anyway 4. i've made some sins and deserve every minute of this Sometimes my thoughts go to something drastic (divorce, separation) but she's pregnant and there's no way i'm putting my child through difficulty. Any advice is appreciated, and at least i got the chance to vent about this to someone. JazakumAllahu khairan. |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Caraj |
| 10/14/03 at 17:09:55 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1066150468;start=0#0 date=10/14/03 at 13:54:28]Assalaam alaikum wr wb My problem is that i just don't understand what's going on. Sometimes she's really happy and sometimes she is very very angry at me. .[/quote] Brother it is called Hormones, while pregnet and at different times in a womans cycle ....they ZIG .....they Zag and they drive the poor woman as nuts as the man putting up with them. [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1066150468;start=0#0 date=10/14/03 at 13:54:28] she's young 2. she's pregnant 3. she's a woman and i'm a man and there's no way i would understand completely anyway 4. i've made some sins and deserve every minute of this Sometimes my thoughts go to something drastic (divorce, separation) but she's pregnant and there's no way i'm putting my child through difficulty. Any advice is appreciated, and at least i got the chance to vent about this to someone. JazakumAllahu khairan.[/quote] You answered this one your ownself. She is young .....the maturity between a 19 year old and a 27 year old is quite different usually She is pregnet........Hormone city poor Brother, one minute she'll cry and the next she will be mad and the next be loving. Not to mention she may have fears she does not discuss with you about the first time having a baby, delivery and such. Hugs, kisses, patience, understanding and doing sweet things for her and trying (gentley, with not to much pressure) to get her to express her feelings and even fears. She is a woman........As Bhaloo mentions many times read men are from Mars/Women are from Venus And all this in the first year of marriage ::) :o yikes She doesn't cook or clean for your parents? If you are living with family this may be an added stress no matter how nice your parents are. How is your privacy situation? Can you afford to take her off overnight somewhere? (not asking for you to answer, is just to provide thoughts) Doesn't clean nor cook for you? To much time on her hands? No responsability??? Maybe you should ask her to cook on night a week. Time at her parents, stop reading the books there and interact, if my daughter-in-law came here and read a book all the time it would show me lack of interest being in my home. However her being able to be with her family is a good thing, I would think, others may have a different opinion on this. I wish you well, not sure if I helped. First year of marriage is a big adjustment, then if living with in-laws another big adjustment, then to add pregnacy, big time body and hormonal changes, youth? Fear of delivery? Wondering if getting married this young was the right thing? Bro, you sure have your work cut out for you, but the way you posted sounds like you care and will do what you can to help your wife through all this. |
| 10/15/03 at 12:18:39 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| BroHanif |
| 10/14/03 at 18:33:52 |
| Salaams, [quote] have been married one year now (i'm 27 and she's 19). She's due to deliver in about a month and half.[/quote] Allah be praised! I hope it goes ok. [quote]My problem is that i just don't understand what's going on. Sometimes she's really happy and sometimes she is very very angry at me.[/quote] Hormones its called, it takes us men time to understand. Having a baby especially your first one is a major change in your life. And the stress levels that come with it are you could say something to be sensative about. Its nothing new bro we all go through it, well I went through it and it'll make you a better person. Just be there for your wife even if shes happy or angry have a lot of sabr. [quote]She doesn't cook or clean for my parents (and they don't want her to either). She really has no responsibilities, is not asked to work or study, so she watches tv from 10 or 11 am to about 9 or 10 pm. Every day. [/quote] A little less harsh maybe shes not feeling so well and perhaps the best she can muster in cooking is jam sadnwiches?. Ask her to do something positive and do it together like a class, reading or even going for a walk. TV can be a drain on the body but you'll be surprised how many people can sit in front of it and pass their days. [quote]But it's weird that she tells me to come over at least once or twice a week. They're nice people but why am i spending 5-10 hours a week at my in laws house? Usually i sit by myself on the couch, so i bring some books to read. At least i get some reading done. I have no idea what she does there, even though she's there 2-3 days a week. [/quote] In lawas are wanted, Outlawas arnt; an old joke. When I go to my in laws I stay the weekend, even though they are very busy i.e. they have their own business its hard for them to spend time with me. And turn it around they are your wifes parents so why not interact with them?. Talk to them about your joys of pregnancy, tips, advice etc and make them part of it rather than reading books. You can read your books some other time when your at class or at work but enjoy time with your family together rather than alone on a couch. Anyway bro you can always talk to me and the many other dads on this board. Let us know how you get on with the pregnancy and may Allah make it an easy labour for her.Ameen. Salaams Hanif |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Tesseract |
| 10/14/03 at 20:01:25 |
| Wa'alaikum Assalam wa Rahmatullah, [quote] Sometimes she's really happy and sometimes she is very very angry at me. [/quote] My doctor sense is telling me u better take her to a doctor if u haven't seen one yet. She seems to be going through severe mood changes, and pregnancy adds to mood disturbances. U can talk to her gynecologist whenever she has her next visit. [quote]Even though one of the big reasons we got married is because we're both interested in studying Islam. [/quote] Do u guys have any intermediary? Any marriage counsellors in ur area? Maybe the Imam of ur local mosque would be a good person to talk to. I think u need to have someone who can listen and talk to both of u, someone who is aged, experienced and wise. One of the things that I seriously think every husband and wife need to do these days, and they should do it on day 1 of their marriage, is choose a person who can act as an intermediary between them atleast for first 2 years of their marriage, needless to say it should be someone who is trustworthy to both of them. Wassalam. |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Twilight |
| 10/15/03 at 05:00:27 |
| [slm] [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1066150468;start=0#0 date=10/14/03 at 13:54:28]Some days she goes and spends the whole day at her mom's house (they live about 45 minutes away). I thought it's good if her parents are close so she can maintain relationships with them. But it's weird that she tells me to come over at least once or twice a week. They're nice people but why am i spending 5-10 hours a week at my in laws house? ................I have no idea what she does there, even though she's there 2-3 days a week. [/quote] i think bcause she is young and it is your first child, it sounds as though she is nervous abt it.....perhaps the reason she spends time with her parents is that she is scared and needs her mom. i know frm a number of my friends no matter how close they are to their in-laws and husband when it comes to the first child they want their own mother to be with them. In the mean time u just gotta hang in there and show her u care no matter what...InshaAllah once the baby is born all will be well. [wlm] |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| timbuktu |
| 10/15/03 at 05:54:16 |
| [slm] they get the weirdest fears! my wife, in her first pregnancy, was scared stiff that the child will be born deformed. don't ask me why? there is no history of that in my family or hers. yes, my wife & I are from different planets, & I am lucky to have survived 24 years of living with a crazy alien. you will, too. don't worry. |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Caraj |
| 10/15/03 at 12:26:31 |
| Wanted to say a couple more things if I may. I have two beautiful and wonderful daughter-in-laws. They are now 22 and 23 and both have changed and matured so much since 19 y/o. That is why I say there is a big difference between a 19 y/o and a 27 y/o From the other post you have gotten some wonderful advice. One thing I would like to touch on is, don't be disullisioned if things after the baby are not totally alright, there will be still hormones she will have to deal with and fears she may not admit. My son and his wife got a little bit worried when their newborn daughter spit up a little after eatting, they did not realize it was normal. As for the comment I made about not reading, I may of read your post wrong, but imagine when your child is married and they bring their spouse to your home, how would you feel if they were off to themselves reading? However if they are not minding, then I think it is very comendable of you as a presence is much better than not going at all. I wish you the very best. Although we are worth it ;) Us women can be difficult to deal with :) :( >:( :'( :-/ :( :) Oh and if you don't mind please let us know when your child is born so we can give you congrats :) I remember the look on my sons face when he held his child the first time. It is a memory I'll always have. |
| 10/15/03 at 12:28:21 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Been married one year - what's going on? |
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| Fozia |
| 10/15/03 at 13:54:09 |
| [slm] From what I remember when I was pregnant my husband was either forever queuing for ice-cream (he got some riiiilllly funny looks...it was December :-[) or he'd find me cleaning, I was soooo bored the last month as I was on maternity leave and usually I have tons to do, people need me and then when I was home alone I was bored. That coupled with the fact, that you cannot get comfortable to sleep in the final month. So I used to hoover ... at 3am (Husband hid the dyson), run the washing machine I think that one was around midnight (spin cycle woke husband), scrub the bath tub (very bad move set off contractions, luckily they went when husband finally ordered me to rest or he'd have me locked up, in a funny farm no doubt). I think my husband finally caught up with his sleep once I went to hospital :-/ . Try not to let it upset you too much, ask her to do stuff for you she may be bored and anxious. Inshallah things will improve, just don't expect them to get magically better the second baby arrives. Wassalaam Oh dear just re-read my post, this definitely proves I'm a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic... ::) |
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