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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| kim |
| 11/01/03 at 23:03:42 |
| please anyone, I need advice from sisters in co-wife situations. I have been seeing someone and when I reverted to Islam, I knew that the relationship became Haram. He is now married, and asked me to marry him. I can't share :'( |
| 11/02/03 at 01:15:14 |
| kim |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| yumna |
| 11/02/03 at 11:08:09 |
[slm]gee sis...thatz kinda bad u no u could get him interested in ISLAM an u no its such a religion that every 1 is attracted 2 it so give it atry ...if he also truly loves u mayb he will also consider convertin 2 islam..not that im sayin for ur sake mayb he will find it intersetin get some books on islam an try 2 get him interested in them ...an if he doesn't respond well 2 this gesture ..inshallah u will find some1 far more better than him inshallah u'll see Allah helps! :-* :-* masalaam |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| yumna |
| 11/02/03 at 11:09:38 |
| Quote:"please anyone, I need advice from sisters in co-wife situations" ....sorry am not one but still tried 2 help ..hope it was alil help |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Nabila |
| 11/02/03 at 11:11:24 |
| [slm] Id argue that if you cant share - dont. Being a wife, let alone a second wife takes alot of patience and communication; the rewards can be huge but not everyone is prepared to make the sacrifices. Insha allaah youll find someone better for you... ma asalaamah and take care |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| kim |
| 11/03/03 at 00:17:57 |
| can anyone share what the down side is to co-wivery. I love this guy and seriously thinking about giving it a try |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| ltcorpest2 |
| 11/03/03 at 02:32:30 |
| Kim, I can tell you one thing...you do not give it a try. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and trys do not qualify as such. Mkae sure it can be your all and everything. |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| jannah |
| 11/03/03 at 14:58:18 |
| Salam Kim, I'm assuming u live in the US and are going to continue living in the US? Well first polgamy is illegal in the US so it will be very difficult for you as the "second" and thus "illegal" wife in many regards. For example, you have no legal claim to his property or even health care. In Islam, if a man has more than one wife he has to provide for them equally and he is responsible to God to provide for his wives. So if he is paying for an apt., living expenses for his first wife, he's going to have to do that for you too. Will he be able to handle the expenses? Secondly, I think that the fact that society and the law does not support second wives might make some men take their marriage to you lightly and he might think of it as an extra-marital thing and not a real marriage with all the rights and responsibilities. Just some things to think about... |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Barr |
| 11/04/03 at 07:21:45 |
| [wlm] warahmatullah [quote]Secondly, I think that the fact that society and the law does not support second wives might make some men take their marriage to you lightly and he might think of it as an extra-marital thing and not a real marriage with all the rights and responsibilities.[/quote] Kim... I am not here to discourage polygenous marriages for I did come to know abt successful ones, alhamdulillah. But in addtion to Jannah's concerns, here are some more issues to think about in a co-wife situation, apart from the fact that he has to be just to all of his wives for all material things like nafkah (maintenance, time)... 1) Its highly unlikely that he can be equal when it comes to love and other emotionally related things. Would you be able to handle that? 2) Children: Assuming that you live in the US or other places that prohibit polygenous marriages, your children would not be recognised as his children and they would have to be interwoven into lies upon lies when they have to go to school and interact with society. Would you want this for them? Or would you have plans such that the children would be protected? In addition to that, with 2 seperate families (with the assumption that you live in different places), that means your children would have lesser time spent with their father. Would you think he can allocate a good amt of time for the chidlren without them feeling neglected? If your husband passes away, how would this effect you and your children on the issue of inheritance? 3) Familial acceptance: Family ties are not as simple as a monogamous marriage, as they get more intricate. a) In-laws and co-wife: Would you think you would be able to have good family ties with his side of the family, bearing in mind that his family may or may not support his marriage with you? How would this affect your family life with him? b) Step-children: If he does have children, or would have children in the future, what is your level of acceptance and affinity to them? Would it be enough for you that you and your children just lead seperate disconnected lives or would you want to play a more supportive and familial role? 4) Divorce: There is also a possibility that the 1st wife would ask for a divorce if she finds out abt her husband's inclination towards another woman. If they have children. Hv you considered its impact on them? Sis... love makes everything look wonderful and beautiful... it can make a big challenge look small and manageable... it can bring happiness and positivity... and one thing about love is that it can either veil or reveal the reality of things. Like wot mike said.. marriage is not something that one tries... instead.. it is a commitment for life, and a commitment that effects other lives... in this world and the next. I do not know the real situation that you are facing...it could turn out all well and dandy... Allahua'lam. But InshaAllah, I pray that placed in your heart .. is the Love of Allah to be the beacon of guidance in making your choice, inshaAllah. Take care Wassalam |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Caraj |
| 11/04/03 at 13:10:44 |
| [quote author=kim link=board=lighthouse;num=1067742223;start=0#4 date=11/03/03 at 00:17:57] I love this guy and seriously thinking about giving it a try[/quote] I think you have been offered so wonderful insight and advice and pray you heed it. The only thing I wanted to add is this. You said you were seriously thinking about giving it "A TRY" Marriage is not something you try like clothes in the store, It is a lifelong commitment.(or you should go into it thinking this way atleast) I mean it doesn't always turn out that way but if you go into it thinking of it as a "TRY" Trying sounds so temp like trying clothes or a car Just my .02 cents :) |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| CAMuslimGirl |
| 11/05/03 at 09:56:48 |
| [slm] :-) Kim, Here is the only advice I have for you on this subject: You don't want to share, which I have to say I totally understand, since I would feel the same way. But if you marry him, you know for sure you are sharing with one more woman (his first wife). BUT, when the two of you were together before you were Muslim, did she know that she was sharing her husband with you? And if not, doesn't that make you wonder if you might unknowingly share your husband with other women too? I'm asking you this because I have unfortunately seen alot of the Arab guys who are here in US (please nobody be offended, this is just observations from people I personally know) constantly cheating on their girfriends. He didn't respect his first wife, or Allah for that matter, when he took up with you. So why do you think he will be different this time? My advice, find a good Muslim guy who isn't married, and marry him. [wlm] |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| faith |
| 11/05/03 at 22:36:58 |
| [slm] Kim, instead of telling you about the pros and cons of being 2nd wife, let me ask you this: 1) You said you have reverted into Islam. Do you know that once a person reverts into Islam, his/her past sins are forgiven (like a newborn baby) but his/her good deeds are acknowledged? 2) You said that you have been seeing someone before Islam and the relationship as you now know, is Haram. Why do you want to be with someone who knowingly commits sins and drags you to commit sin with him? You can now start on a clean slate. You have virtually no/very few sins right now. You have the opportunity to live a righteous life. Don't mess it up by being with someone who reminds of you of your past sins. Love? love is dynamic - it can change with the test of time...InshaAllah, you will find another who will be good to you. From your caring Madinah family, :-) :-* |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| sisterhood |
| 11/17/03 at 15:01:52 |
| [slm] I just wanted to comment on something Barr said that I did not agree with for many reasons. ;) "4) Divorce: There is also a possibility that the 1st wife would ask for a divorce if she finds out abt her husband's inclination towards another woman. If they have children. Hv you considered its impact on them? " I am a second wife but do not live in America and it is not the fault or responsibility of the second wife or soon to be second wife to concider the impact if the first wife seeks divorce. I mean you make it seem as if the first wife has done something wrong or that it would be her fault if the first wife asked for a divorce. The one who should think of the impact of the children is the first wife not the second. I think that women tend to over react when it comes to this issue :o. If a women thinks her marriage is based on love alone then yes it could be crussing to find that he loves another but marriage is not about love alone it is about so many other things like helping one another gain jennah, learn more about deen, friendship, respect, and so much more. Sharing a man is not such a big deal and when done right has a lot of benifits. Men have the ability to love many women for example he may love one women because she cooks well adn takes care of him and his house well, shows him alot of respect, and is serious and he may love the othher women because she is more free and funny and gives him something emotionaly that no one else can. Also this can make him a much better husband to the other wife if he is happy. A man can not get everything he may want from a wife from one women. It simply is not possible even the best wife will not have a quality that a man wants in a women. I think that some of the other points Barr made were good things to think about before becoming a second wife in America. Well these are just 2 cents :-* Fee aman Allah, Amena |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Fozia |
| 11/17/03 at 15:31:24 |
| [slm] I know nothing about this. But I'm curious sisterhood, you didn't consider the first wifes feelings when contemplating a marriage proposal from a married man?? Bizarrely that point would be top of my list if I'd ever happen to fall into this situation. Wassalaam |
| 11/17/03 at 17:34:59 |
| Fozia |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Barr |
| 11/18/03 at 00:26:55 |
| [wlm] warahmatullah [quote]I am a second wife but do not live in America and it is not the fault or responsibility of the second wife or soon to be second wife to concider the impact if the first wife seeks divorce.[/quote] Yes sis.. you are right. It is not her responsibility. It is the responsibility of the man to think about these issues *first*. However, before deciding on marriage, or any other decisions that we make, thinking of the consequences and impact on others who will be affected by our decisions would give a solid basis on why certain choices are made in our lives. And whether we can *live* with it. Thing is, with *some* polygenous cases... some men would marry to *avoid/ stop* creating fitan with women whom they have extra-marital affairs with, not realising that their second, third or fourth marriages would in reality...create more. Oh yes.. men are able to love many women... I guess the same goes for some women too ;).... Just that, rarely would he be able to love them equally. So.. if that is smt that one doesn't mind and can cope with... then.. tafadhal :) May Allah protect and guide all of us. Allahua'lam :) |
| 11/18/03 at 00:31:49 |
| Barr |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Caraj |
| 11/18/03 at 01:00:01 |
| [quote author=Fozia link=board=lighthouse;num=1067742223;start=10#12 date=11/17/03 at 15:31:24] [slm] I know nothing about this. But I'm curious sisterhood, you didn't consider the first wifes feelings when contemplating a marriage proposal from a married man?? Bizarrely that point would be top of my list if I'd ever happen to fall into this situation. Wassalaam[/quote] I totally agree with Fozia, if I was in that situation I too would want to know how the first wife feels and if she was against it I would not marry the man. I would want to be like a friend and sister to the first wife and I would also want to respect her as the wife with senority (if that makes sense) not that I would be treated lesser, but kind of respect for one who has been there first. I was sooooooo against multiable wives when I first came to this board but after reading a post (Wish I could find it as it was soooo AWESOME) it was a link to a sister who wrote about not wanting to be a second wife so refusing to marry a man, then marrying a man as an only wife only to be treated not so kindly and how after a divorce the first man was presented again to her for consideration. He was there for work or education and did not want to sin, his first wife was for it and they even became friends. She was happy and had a man who treated her well and with kindness. Can anyone find that older post? Also during about this time I came across a movie called, The Substitute Wife with Farrah Fawcette. A woman knew she was going to die and set out to find a wife and mother for her hubby and children. It was like late 1800's early 1900's setting. She couldn't die not knowing her family was taken care of. Anyway it was a longer time till she died than all expected and the substitute wife was going to leave since they thought the first wife was not dying after all. They became friends and the way they handled being wives and how they handled the chores and children was awesome. That movie with the post made me change my mind on this matter. I will say this though........it takes a very special and mature woman to be part of a multiable wife family in my opinion. As Barr said and I sort of agree, love makes everything look wonderful and beautiful. I think that feeling of falling in love is that way. 'Falling' in love is an emotion Loving someone is a conscience choice and takes work By the way you were seeing him before he was married, now he is married and wants you too ::) I see red warning flags. :-[ And they are waving in the breeze big time By the way you mention YOU CAN'T SHARE? Then why even consider it ??? What would you do? Try to bump the first wife out of the equasion? If you can't share why even consider it at all? |
| 11/18/03 at 01:05:09 |
| Caraj |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| sisterhood |
| 11/18/03 at 08:02:41 |
| [slm] Maybe I didn't express myself well teh first time as I am not very good on puttting things in writing but I will try to clarify what I mean. First let me respond to fozia I think it was "I know nothing about this. But I'm curious sisterhood, you didn't consider the first wifes feelings when contemplating a marriage proposal from a married man?? Bizarrely that point would be top of my list if I'd ever happen to fall into this situation." Yes of course I concidered her feelings and thought about how this would affect her but I knew she was a good Muslim and had an upstanding character and so thought she would be able to handle the situation and it is not like she did not have time to prepare herselff she had known about her husband wanting to take a second wife for many years. Now I would not refuse a man simple because the first wife may have problems with it because as I said most women tend to over react in this situation. Also if I had refused my now husband I would not have been able to find a man equal to him in his religious beliefs, practice or knowledge. My husband is a Da'eeya for those of you who don't know what that means it is a term given to those whos job it is to educate and give Dawah. MasahAllah Tabarick Allah my husband is very knowledgabel and together we have som many plans InshaAllah to give Dawah to Muslims and non-Muslims as he has the religious knowledge and Arabic language and I have the English language and thanks to Allah and My husband I have some religious knowledge myself. So My point being had I refused him based soley on the fact that his first wife was having problems I would have missed out on a good Muslim man. It is really hard to find a Muslim man who has alot of religious knowledge and I don't just mean a little I mean some one who really knows there stuff who is not already married. So shoud I have settled for a lesser man because the other wife is having issues. I mean what is the big deal why is it such and issue for her any way I mean get over it already and I don't mean my co-wive I mean all co-wives. I mean sure in the beginning you may have to get use ot it and adjust but to get a divorvce because you can't handle it is not the others wife's fault for breaking up the marriage but her fault becasue she could get over it. Now I am not sayig she doesn't deserve soie time to adjust but I mean lets get real after a year or so that is enough you should be adjusted by then and not caring on with it. Also not to mention that it is not reccommended Islamicly to refuse a man for no reason and i just don't see the wife having issues as a good reason. Because all women in the beginning may have issues but then they adjust and everything is fine and they live as a family. Now maybe some of you are saying she is a second wife and can't know how it feels to have her husband take a wife after her. Well yes I do know what it feels like becasue my husband had plans to take a 3rd wife and I too over reacted but as time went on I settled and begain to think clearly and rationaly. Needless to say becasue of many reasons he did not marry that women and may or may not marry a 3rd but even if he does try to marry in the future I know I will over react and have hurt feelings but will get over that move on and focus on what is really important and that is gaining knowledge and pleaseing Allah and stifing for Jennah. I hope that you are all able to better understand my point of view. Again this is just my humble opinion you may not see things the same way and that is ok ;) I just wanted to help you see a different view point from some one living inside a plural marraige. Fee aman Allah, :-* Amena |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Fozia |
| 11/18/03 at 08:34:48 |
| [quote author=sisterhood link=board=lighthouse;num=1067742223;start=10#11 date=11/17/03 at 15:01:52] for example he may love one women because she cooks well adn takes care of him and his house well, shows him alot of respect, and is serious and he may love the othher women because she is more free and funny and gives him something emotionaly that no one else can. [/quote] [slm] It's this point I'm having a problem with actually, how long does one suppose one will be free and funny for? Children come and one grows older, does this mean husband takes on wives number three and four because previous ones are no longer 'free and funny'?? In addition to which saying something like, 'the husband loves one wife for her ability to cook and clean' get a maid say I. Assuming you think your husband loves you for being free and funny, whilst wife number one is the good cleaner how would you feel if husband turned and said you were a wonderful cleaner and he wanted to marry a free and funny girl...??? I have no problem with polygamy, but there's got to be a good reason for it. Whatever your reason's were is nothing to do with me, but saying get over it you've had time blah blah is insensitive and hurtful, let us know how you feel when wives numbers 3 & 4 enter the picture. Wassalaam |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? ..no need |
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| kim |
| 11/18/03 at 21:15:13 |
| well, you all will be happy to know, I finally said goodbye. I mean i just cut all ties, communication and everything resembling a haram relationship with this guy. my striving for jannah became much more important than the "love" i had for him. He is still married, and she still doesn't know that i ever existed.... i want to thank each and every one of you for your advice, encouragement..tough love :'(,etc. Ramadan Mubarak..in'sh'allah, i will be sent the most wonderful husband when Allah is ready :) |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| faith |
| 11/18/03 at 21:31:39 |
| [slm] Mabrouk! Congratulations! You've made the right decision!!! ;D :) I am glad to hear that you chose the path to love Allah more than to love a man who is not good for your deen! Btw, in case you have momentary lapses of missing him, etc., I suggest that you either have caller ID or change phone no., and throw away his phone no./emails from your cell phone, PC, address books, etc... This is based on experience from someone who has made the same choice you just made! ;) Take care, Hugs & :-* from your sister in faith, :-) :) |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Barr |
| 11/18/03 at 22:20:02 |
| [slm] warahmatullah :) Alhamdulillah... alhamdulillah.. alhamdulillah :) When we sacrifice smt for Allah... that sacrifice will only give us more.. and nothing less. I pray Allah would give you strength and patience, during this tough time. May Allah make it easy for you, sis. InshaAllah, this is one Ramadan Challenge, that comes sweet, with Allah's blessings :) Take care... and may Allah protect your precious heart :-* Allahua'lam |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| Caraj |
| 11/19/03 at 01:08:16 |
| I am at a loss for words but my heart is happy you chose wisely. With my past experiences and also what I learned from others on this board over the last 2 years I get to worrying about you young woman. Tough love = Sincere love for a sister to chose a path that will lead her to happiness and protection You have shown much wisdom and maturity in your decision. All good things take time, may God be all the love and companionship you need till he choses one on earth to share in his love and companionship for you. :-) |
| Re: new muslimah, co wife? Help! |
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| jannah |
| 11/19/03 at 02:40:21 |
| [wlm] Kim may Allah make it easier for you and grant you a spouse that will be 'coolness of your eyes'. I just want to say that none of us are against 'polygamous marriages'. it is something allowed and can work for some people. it's just something that one should think about in all aspects and has to be dealt with on an individual basis with one's circumstances. |
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