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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| not a real diary |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 11/02/03 at 15:18:17 |
| [slm] hmmphh...with an uncertain heart I write this. Well, first of all, I hope everyone's ramadhaan is going well insha'Allaah :). I know I had signed up to do a diary but I've been thinking lately that I shouldn't do one. However, now the only reason I've decided to share some stuff is because I had orginally volunteered, and especially because of the month we are in, I've thought I should stick to what I had said I would do. However, this is no longer what I guess many ppl would expect, nor I myself would have expected moi to write. But oh well... Ok, my ramadhaan has been slightly weird to say the least. Mash'Allaah a few days before ramadhaan began I had a proposal from a bro who I had islamically begun to admire. Hence when ramadhaan started, my mind was all over the place. This bro is so amazing mash'Allaah. As ramadhaan rolled in and the prayers began, so did my tears. As i began to pray I began to cry. This bro is the type who is always striving to do his best islamically and to better himself islamically. He always seems to be in a state of remorse over some thing or other and so fearful that he is always wronging Allaah...subhan'Allaah. When u first meet him, and on the surface, he always seems to be so happy and so at peace, so it's amazing when u really get to know him and see what his heart is like. As I made to submit myself to Allaah in my prayers, my thoughts were always on the bro, and my goodness, did I truly begin to weep to Allaah. Here was someone who seemed to be in a constant state of worship to Allaah, and practially most of the time he opened his mouth, his words were to do with Islaam in one sense or another. Here was someone who stays up during the night, pouring his heart out to Allaah, crying to Him for forgiveness and Mercy. Everything about him seems somehow to be oozing with Islaam. And then there is me. I am nothing like this bro, and the realisation of how different we are on spiritual levels, wrenched my heart and made me sob to the extent that I no longer could see the prayer mat, but a thick film of water was continuously pouring thru my eyes. I began to get up in the mornings, drifted thru my days, with a painful heart which seemed to be always crying, even when I wasn't openly bawling. My days began to be full of pain, and it was only in my prayers that the pain would manifest itself so openly in forms of tears. How on earth can the two of us be together? Someone who is so fretful of Allaah and knows that despite his good deeds, that alone won't simply be enough to let him into jannah. And someone who is just living her life, knowing that there is more to all of this, only occasionally grasping ahold of certain realities, and then losing them again. Thus I would be crying to Allaah, letting bleed the open wound of knowing that I'm a wrecthed soul, who maybe won't even get into jannah at all, but yet, I don't seem to be affected by such a notion as the brother. And thus I began to hate myself, and cry for my own soul, realising how much I've been wronging myself and still am. I began to cry to Allaah ever remorseful that my own being wasn't like that of the bro, and how I could kid myself into living such a bleak existence, when in truth I should always be in tears, always in a constant state of worry, always aiming to improve and better myself...always trying to reach a similar level to that of the brother. So how has my ramadhaan been so far? I can't think of a single word that could adaquetly describe it. What have I learned so far? That I'm the worst of all ppl. wa'salaam |
| 11/02/03 at 15:22:38 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| BroHanif |
| 11/02/03 at 18:27:45 |
| Salaams, Sis I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself. At least you ahve identified what your faults you think you are and you are on your way to correcting them. Above all don't just par yourself with a brother that has given you a proposal, I'm sorry to be harsh but you hardly know him. When you live with a person 24/7 thats when you realise how they are. The body is a shell as I was once told and outward apperances can be misleading, this is not to say that the bro ain't good but its just something to be aware of. If anything model yourself after the Sahabas and the mothers of the believers, you will find our role models there. [quote] So how has my ramadhaan been so far? I can't think of a single word that could adaquetly describe it. What have I learned so far? That I'm the worst of all ppl. [/quote] So harsh and unjustified. Salaams Hanif |
| NS |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| theOriginal |
| 11/02/03 at 21:22:30 |
| [slm] <big big big HUG!> SubhanAllah, sister! I hate to say this, because it sounds weird coming from me, but please please PLEASE don't berate yourself this much. Consider the proposal...and don't compare yourself with the brother. Just remember, that Allah (swt) is always giving us a chance to make ourselves better. The fact that you have been crying is a really good sign. Regardless of whether or not you marry this guy, maybe your time of realization has arrived, and you will take yourself on the spiritual level that you see in the bro. This month is THE month. Just pray that whatever happens, happens for the best. You are blessed...seriously, I wish I could reach that point of realization soon. (InshaAllah). Wasalaam. |
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| humble_muslim |
| 11/03/03 at 18:37:44 |
| AA Subhan Allah! Many of us wish that we could cry like you can, sis. The fact that you are crying is by itself a wonderful sign that you are on the right track. The Prophet (SAW) said in a famous hadith that they would be seven types of people under the Shade of Allah (SWT) on the day of judgement, and one of those people would be the one who remembers Allah in seclusion and starts crying. So don't berate yourself, and don't hate yourself, just hang on in there. |
| NS |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 11/05/03 at 10:37:42 |
[slm] jazak'Allaah khayran for ur words everyone :). I still don't see how the bro and myself can be together but whatever Allaah Wills...I've decided to just try and improve myself as much as I can spiritually insha'Allaah, simply because I now know how much work I have to do on myself and also, to try to insha'Allaah bring some sort of comfort or ease to my soul. Anyways, just as a side note and, as I guess, a lil update....we've agreed to get to know each other for 2yrs at least before we go ahead with marriage or anything. I think I need those 2yrs ;). Bro Hanif, I so agree with u, but mash'Allaah I can't fault the brother on anything...yet ;). Neither can anyone else which just adds to my own insecurities :(, but hey, that's just something I have to deal with. I also hope the 2yr wait gets ur approval ;) wa'salaam |
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| lucid9 |
| 11/05/03 at 11:17:07 |
| [slm] You silly girl!!!! What is this "i am good enough" tosh?!! If you admire the brother, grab hold of him (not literally) and get married. If the brother likes you -- what's your problem? You should know that guys aren't necessarily looking for the most religious girls in the world. Most guys, no matter how religious, just want a nice girl with a pleasant personality. The religious stuff then easily follows. So unless you're a witch or a colossal butthead (and of course you aren't!) you've got everything the brother needs and/or wants. Trust me!! And don't worry, if you stick around with him you'll become very religious (even if you aren't aleady) in no time at all. I was rejected so many times by girls who said "masha Allah such a nice religious boy, i can never measure up to him" that I was about to crack the skull of the next girl who said that -- if only to prove a point. So if the boy asks, take him seriously. Don't just blow him off. Give him a fair chance. Maybe he is quite comfortable about not marrying the most super religious girl and maybe he thinks he can be a really good influence on you. And what's with the 2 years?!! Maybe 2 months, but holy smokes -- not 2 years!! Marriage is a hazardous business, and no matter how well you try to get to know someone -- its still very risky, and you can never get to know anybody until you live with them. And sis, don't ruin your life by delaying something like this for 2! years. If you like him and he likes you and you get to know him over like 2 months/weeks, just take the plunge. Its gonna be just as risky if you wait 2 years. And learn from all the unmarried sisters out there, who are so wonderful but are now pushing 30. Their lives are miserable, because once you past a certain age it becomes a lot harder to get married. For example, I have 2 aunts who are soo drop dead pretty that they they could send an enuch into heat -- but they were so paranoid and neurotic about getting married that they ended up being very miserable spinsters. Both of them are now in and out of mental hospitals,....inna lillah.... So sis, pray istikharah...and just do it! Forget the fuss and the waiting, marriage is always gonna be a big black hole of anxiety. You can't avoid it, and its best to do it sooner rather than later. Forgive me for my obnoxious preachyness,....but as you know quite well....i am a butthead :D --colossal butthead |
| 11/05/03 at 11:18:34 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| Maliha |
| 11/05/03 at 16:04:12 |
| [slm] wow..i am impressed with how many times i have said i agree with hyper in the last couple of months :-[ but sis salaam he makes an awesome point. First off, i don't care how great this guy is, you are really sweet and special and that is enuff to make you good enuff for any brother out there..Sometimes as women we really tend to put ourselves down, and its one thing to realize your humility before Allah (Alhamdulllillah that is a blessing from Allah..when he wants something good for His servants He opens the doors of humility, and the lowliness of ones nafs infront of Him)...but you are talking about two different things. You really can't compare yourself to the brother in those terms. You may have some strengths that he lacks and him vice versa..and that is the essence of marriage. He can't be the perfect one, and you the one struggling to "catch up"...don't even put yourself in that light cuz you are setting up for a big failure. You will forever feel lesser to "him" not Allah..and that complicates matters a lot. Also keep in mind that Allah is Just. He would not put you two together if He knew that you weren't good enuff for this brother. And on the flip side Marriage, like provisions, companions is Rizq, you don't question your Rizq you accept it and be grateful. There are different dimensions to this situation..you realizing your spirituality and how much work you need to do on one hand (which *will* take a lifetime and beyond to work on) and marriage on the other hand. The only valid question you should ask in this situation is "Will he facilitate me in my *spiritual* growth" if the answer is "yes" (and it seems to be the case), then by all means get married as soon as you can finalize it. Seriously, hyper makes an awesome point and that is there is mad fitna in the process of getting married. Once you realize he is the one, let Allah take care of the rest, just go for it. Prolonging it will bring rise to all kindsa insecurities, anxieties, etc that eventually bring the downfall of what could have been an awesome union. Make lotsa duahs, and may Allah guide you to the right decision. But sis remember there aren't that many (none that i know of) *single* *practising* brothers out there....you found one....do the right thang ;) feel free to Im me for anything ...{{{{{{hugggssss}}}}}}}}} your sis in struggle :-) [wlm] |
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| BroHanif |
| 11/05/03 at 18:36:39 |
| Salaams, [quote]I also hope the 2yr wait gets ur approval[/quote] Steady on Sis you and I can't give gurantees to each other if we are going to live till the next 2 nanosecond let alone 2 years. Sis to be fair 2 years is a long wait, I'm sure you are quite valid in reserving to get married right now but if you find that he is what you want in a brother Islamicly then let me be the first to say Mabrook to you getting married sooner rather than later. Sometimes a little patience goes a long way but perhaps not two years. Istikhara Sis beckons and who knows if he is the one then I want be the first to know about your wedding day. You'll make a good wife and mother to whomever gets married to yah. [quote] And learn from all the unmarried sisters out there, who are so wonderful but are now pushing 30. Their lives are miserable, because once you past a certain age it becomes a lot harder to get married. For example, I have 2 aunts who are soo drop dead pretty that they they could send an enuch into heat -- but they were so paranoid and neurotic about getting married that they ended up being very miserable spinsters. Both of them are now in and out of mental hospitals,....inna lillah.... [/quote] Hang on Mr Bean, seriously not eveyone can get married at 30, and why don't you network with the brothers and sisters. If we Muslims look out for each other then we wouldn't be in such of a quagmire. And to say they pop in and out of Mental hospitals I find that insensative, perhaps one shouldn't say such things publicly on the board. My sis works in mental health and the image conjured in my mind of your two aunts receiving help can only cloud judegements for me and other people when a proposal is put forward by a brothers family. As an old WW2 saying goes, carless talk costs lives. Salaams Hanif |
| NS |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| humble_muslim |
| 11/05/03 at 18:48:52 |
| AA Sis, look at the following hadith : The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "If there comes to you one with whose religion and character you are pleased, then marry your daughter [or sister, etc.] to him, otherwise there will be fitnah and great corruption in the land." Isn't this enough for you to wanna just accept him straightaway? BTW Bro. Hanif, I believe the phrase was "Loose lips sink ships". |
| NS |
| Re: not a real diary |
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| bhaloo |
| 11/05/03 at 23:44:47 |
| [slm] Sister I don't understand why you would wait 2 years? The group is in agreement on the board, marry him soon, insha'Allah. |
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