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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| New Marriage? |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/20/03 at 23:25:02 |
| [slm] I have a question that I would like to ask the brothers and sisters of the board since I respect you all so much. I recently married, (3 months ago) to a man that I didn't really know that well, it was an arranged of sorts marriage. We did speak on the phone etc and he met my parents (non-Muslims) but after marriage of course many new things are found out about each other. We were married about 1 month before we moved in together, but were living quite far apart from each other, but this gave us a chance to get to know each other better. Even from this time, I had a sense of uneasiness about the relationship. The question that I have is, I realize that in these types of marriage, love is supposed to grow with time and effort, but how much time? My husband is a good Muslim alhumdulillah but I just don't feel any affection towards him. Sometimes it pains my ear just to listen to him when he talks and also sharing his bed is something that I can hardly bare. My heart is so very heavy and I am so sad, because not only am I thinking that this is not going to work but of also hurting him. I am becoming depressed and am fighting to stay strong. I have made istikhara over and over, but don't feel like I am getting an answer. I don't want to run away on this marriage before I give it a good chance, but I am so scared that I have settled, and I will be unhappy for my whole life, and in the process making him unhappy at the same time. It will be harder to separate the longer we are together so I don't want to put off the inevitable and stay longer to see if it will work out. I realize that it has to be my decision whether I stay or go, but I just need some input from others that have similar marriages where you didn’t know each other that well before getting married. [wlm] A very sad sister |
| Re: New Marriage? |
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| Caraj |
| 11/21/03 at 13:07:27 |
| My goodness Sister, you have not even lived together yet, no one would expect you to have affection for this man yet. Also once you live with your husband things take time. I don't wish unhappiness on anyone nor am I any expert in the field. I can tell you this. The first year is the hardest and I would advise you not to begin counting your months till you move in together full time. If he is not abusive toward you but has not turned into your night in shining armor in 3 short months I would encourage you to give it more time (and while doing so don't add more burdens like getting pregnet) In the first year, it is one of the biggest adjustment times and there will be days when you will wonder WHY the heck did I get married and there will be days when you call home saying MOMMMMMMM DADDDDDDDD help, I cannot take another minute of this man. I hate saying something is normal cause most (including myself) feel quite alone when you're experiencing it. But not feeling affectionate, being worried, concerned and wonding if you should get out while you can are very normal feelings. I did things in my 20's that now in my 40's I wonder WHAT THE HECK was I thinking. I also think a situation a while back that I thought I could not bare was not so horrible after all. Ask yourself this, 1) can I endue this a year before I try to bail out? 2) Is he basically a good man and a good Muslim? 3) Does he treat me well? 4) If I bail out prematurely will I regret this later? Prehapes when #2 hubby doesn't work or turns out much worse then #1? 5) Am I just uncomfortable with all the new experiences and should just try to mellow a while? If he is a good man and does not abuse you I would say 3 months is not giving this poor man time to earn your trust, love, respect and affection. And you have not even lived together full time. You say you have learned more things about him than before you married him. Not asking for a response, but questions to yourself to answer within 1) Is this something that can cause legal, medical, abuse or such types of problems? Or are they just quirks? 2) Did I have unreasonable expectations of him? of marriage? before I married him? I wish you both love, happiness and compassion and pray God makes it easy on you both to give your marriage a fair shot. |
| Re: New Marriage? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 11/21/03 at 19:49:29 |
| asalaam alakum, I am not married myself, but love to give advice hahaha.... like sr. Azizah said, 3 months is not enough time, but also don't get pregnant yet, as you don't want to stay with him just for the kid if things don't work out, or have a child who will not have both parents at home if you decide to divorce... as any good business person would tell you, it takes 3 years for a business to show if it will be profitable or not. well, marriage is like a business. i am not saying give it 3 years, but give it time. tell yourself, maybe a year or 18 months. also, absence makes the heart grow founder. maybe you can take a short trip (for a week or 10 days) on your own, maybe go visit your family or see if there is a Muslim retreat or camp. just go somewhere on your own, or encourage your husband to go somewhere for a few days on his own so you have the whole place to yourself. sister, finding your husband must have been very easy, because i have noticed that for sisters who did not have a hard time finding a husband, they easily get restless and bored with them. they get very picky and even when there is nothing wrong with the guy, they "just can't stand him" i have seen it soooo many times with my friends. with those who had a hard time finding their husbands, its like they appreciate that they are finally with them. even the little things that should irritate them don't, and they choose their battles and are thankful for what Allah has given them. |
| Re: New Marriage? |
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| Chris |
| 11/22/03 at 12:58:08 |
| Salaam I confess I'm quite curious. If ur parents are non-muslims, how did you get an arranged marriage? Anyway, My own thoughts are that the guys probabuly not used to you either. You're best bet would be to talk to him about it, say, perhaps, that you think you might have made a mistake or that you rushed in to the wedding without considering everything. If hes a good muslim, he'll chat to you. Perhaps the two of you need a holiday alone away from everyone else. That said, us men are dumb when it comes to women. He may not think that theres anything wrong, after all, if a mans not attracted, he'll show it, but a girl can do stuff without being involved, if u get my meaning. So, talk to him. Adam |
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