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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| should i marry him?? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/05/03 at 03:28:10 |
| Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatahu. Well i meet this guy in a chatroom. I know, bad start. But if things go as planned & i do end up marrying him what should i tell people? These internet marriages are really looked down upon in my community so should i tell everyone the truth about how we met or would it be better to have a cover up story? If i told everyone the truth, wouldn't i in a way be revealing a sin? Has anyone here married someone they met off the net or know someone who has? Is it really that bad? What kind of problems have they encountered in the long run? i mean if my family knew him we could have at least done a background check, but for now i just have to take his word for who he is. We've been talking on and off for about 2 years and i know for a fact that he isn't a weirdo or anything like that. We're both from the same country and on the same level islamically. I know he has a good relationship with his sisters, prays all his prayers, very active in his community, but i just dont know too much about his character, adab, akhlaq. I wont be able to tell until i see the way he interacts with people. Should i go through with this or just let it go and put my trust in Allah (swt) that he will grant me a spouse? I'm not like totally attached to this guy, if people advise me otherwise i can let this go easily and move on. I just like the fact that we click in so many ways, not just islamically. I've been praying lots of istikharah but i'm still confused. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| jannah |
| 12/05/03 at 03:40:46 |
| [wlm] ummm i wonder why you're asking "should i marry him?"... that's kinda the last step to take.. and u haven't taken the first yet.. that is to know him in person and have him contact your family to go about this in the right way. it's not a sin to meet someone on the internet.. but to have a "relationship" with someone over that long period of time with no intention of marriage isn't a good idea... so the best thing to do is bring it out into the open somehow.. get some mutual friend/uncle/auntie or whoever and maybe they can be the go-between to start out.. it's very important to know a person in real life because right now all you know of him is what he says to you.. basically how he wants to present himself online.. you need to learn about him from family and friends and get to know him yourself so you know the whole person. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| Fozia |
| 12/05/03 at 14:21:19 |
| [slm] I once watched this south Indian film, the hero and heroine meet online. He says he's in England, she says she's in America... They're actually both sat in the same internet cafe in India. Wassalaam |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| Mohammad_Jasmi |
| 12/05/03 at 15:26:21 |
| [slm] Respected Sis, The best way is to do Istakhara, and this is the solution which Islam tells us. I too have gone through such dilema and I found it the best solution, you can bet on it. Ma'salama Peace be on you and everyone. Ma Allah make your marriage life happy always. Mohammad |
| NS |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| jannah |
| 12/05/03 at 17:16:14 |
| [wlm] no doubt do istikharah continuously.. but it is also important to find out about him and do some work on your side... after all we don't just sit on the street expecting Allah to drop money from the sky. We have to do our part too (the means) while knowing everything is from Allah. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| ibnasabil |
| 12/05/03 at 17:25:38 |
| [slm] Also, if you really want a fiqh perspective, you can find answers and ask questions of qualified Hanafi and Shafi'i scholars via sunnipath.com insh Allah. bro. octagon Also, re: istikhaara, if one is praying istikhaara, the following are the three ways in which to determine the right direction: 1. You have a clear dream. 2. The direction is clearly indicated on the tongue of a friend (for example, who doesn't know the dilemma that one is dealing with). 3. All options are closed but the one leading in the correct direction. Also, if one is praying istikhaara, that in itself is a sign that one is on the right track. I have this information from a gentleman who has studied Hanafi fiqh for five years with a Damascan mufti, and Allah knows best. |
| 12/05/03 at 17:39:22 |
| ibnasabil |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| theOriginal |
| 12/05/03 at 21:10:43 |
| [slm] [quote]Should i go through with this or just let it go and put my trust in Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) that he will grant me a spouse?[/quote] umm...either way, yeh...keep your trust in Allah stable, regardless of whether or not you do push it any further. :) InshaAllah don't worry. Things will be okay. And you MUST meet him in person, in the presence of your parents or other people you trust. So basically, if you haven't told your parents, yet....maybe you should. I don't know about letting people know where you met him. If he's okay with it, maybe it should stay hidden? If I was in your position, I would let my parents know the truth, but I don't think random people need to know about it....all people do is talk, and it becomes another source of entertainment. I know someone who got married off the internet. Except weeelll...the girl kind of lied to him initially about a leetle detail -- her age. She was actually a lot older than she had first said. And they DID get married. (And they DID get divorced, too...but I think that was unique to their situation) G'luck. Wasalaam. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| momineqbal |
| 12/06/03 at 16:18:50 |
| [slm], Here is a bit of a brother's perspective. So, you yourself say you don't know how his akhlaque, adab etc. is. And the Prophet advised us to look for both deen and akhlaque in a prospective spouse. I would cut down on talking to him too much and ask him to get some relative of his to get in touch with your parents (or close relatives). Its very easy to be a completely different person when someone is online behind a screen name. Plus its very easy for brothers to say what a sister might like to hear. Don't count on this "clicking" thing if its not based on solid background information about someone (from neutral sources) and just on chatting over long period of time, online! May Allah make things easy for you. Wassalam |
| NS |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| se7en |
| 12/07/03 at 02:02:01 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, I think the 'net is a perfectly acceptable way to meet someone, just like meeting someone at a conference, a masjid class, school, work etc. (I might be bias here though :)) It depends a lot on your niyyah [intention]. The issue is not usually meeting someone and establishing mutual interest - it's the process *after* that. Usually the next step is inquiry with friends/family in order to get a better understanding of the person, what they are looking for, their expectations in a spouse etc. Seeing as you know this brother only through the net, I would say that mutual interest has not even been fully established yet. Knowing someone online gives you insight into the way a person thinks and feels, their beliefs and opinions on certain issues, but as you mentioned it leaves out a *huge* dimension of the person - how they *externalize* these things, how they communicate with people, their character, tendencies, demeanor, akhlaq and adab, which are only known by those who interact with the person on a daily basis. Also your physical attraction to the person is an aspect to consider as well. You asked if you should pursue this 'or' put your trust in Allah.. Taking advantage of the means that are made available to you does not necessarily imply a lack of trust in Allah. I think that Allah facilitates different means and opportunities for certain things to occur in your life. Perhaps this is the way by which Allah is granting you a spouse, Allahu a'lam. It's just important to go through the Islamically sanctioned means to make things between you fruitful and halal. Also about telling people - you are under no obligation to tell anyone any details about how you met. And it's interesting, there is a lot of controversy over meeting people on the net, but there are many many couples I know who have met this way, though they do not explicitly tell ppl that. They either say 'he/she was a family friend', 'so and so hooked us up', etc. If you do not feel comfortable, you can also talk about the first time you *met* in person, instead of how you were introduced to each other and got to know each other. may Allah guide you to the best decisions :) wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah :-) |
| 12/07/03 at 05:25:11 |
| se7en |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/15/03 at 17:22:57 |
| Salaam alaykum, My suggestion is to be extremely careful and have both your parents meet with eachother, talk to his (female)familymembers and try to find out as much as you can about him. Never meet him alone. As everyone else has pointed out, you can only go by what he tells you and he could be telling you the truth but he also could be lying. I met someone on the internet and found out he wasn't exactly who he said he was, but by then it was already too late. The result was abuse(and i find that an understatement), i don't know if you read any of the posts on this board about abuse, i'm not saying the guy you met online is bad but i am saying to be extremely careful, i wish i had someone tell me this when i first was in your situation. I don't mean to scare you, in fact i really hope you meeting him online will result in a beautiful marriage, but please be careful. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| Nomi |
| 12/16/03 at 00:17:43 |
| [slm] [quote] InshaAllah don't worry. Things will be okay. And you MUST meet him in person, in the presence of your parents or other people you trust. [/quote] Wanted to comment earlier but since we had a few disagreements b4 so i dint want to send out an impression that i'm pickin on you. Now that there are two sisters so i'll give it a go :) About the quoted part in bold.... Do you mean a "date" ??? ... yea parents sounds good inshaAllah. [quote author=se7en link=board=madrasa;num=1070612890;start=0#8 date=12/07/03 at 02:02:01] I think the 'net is a perfectly acceptable way to meet someone, just like meeting someone at a conference, a masjid class, school, work etc. (I might be bias here though [/quote] Sorry but, yes, i think you are a lil biased. Only a tiney weeney percentage of Muslims use the internet fully "islamically". I can quote lots and lots of stories here that'll disgust many of you reading this. You can't so openly give someone this approval that internet is A okay for finding a spouse, chat rooms in my part of the world are full of people whose sole purpose in to flirt online and many a times feelings of the other party get hurt (and that is the least that happens). Before making such point one should look things in totality and not just few cases going right (congrats to them btw). This board and few others are islamic boards and ppl come here with deen as the main purpose, so it can be a lithmus test but not the internet as a whole. Only less than 5% of the internet can be called safe, islamic, etc and besides many ppl on here have a clouded vision. I mean you in the west are just a small minority of Muslims, if ppl in your psrt of the world find it hard to get the "right" person by real life links then this doesn't mean that other 95+% Muslims living in Muslim coutries or in countries like india where Muslim population is more than Pakistan even face the same problem. "Real Life Contact" is the way for them and its easy for them. We should also bear in mind that, many in their teen age are also visitors of this board. We dont want to "confuse" them right? [slm] Your brother. |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| se7en |
| 12/16/03 at 10:35:19 |
| as salaamu alaykum, [quote]About the quoted part in bold.... Do you mean a "date" ??? ... yea parents sounds good inshaAllah.[/quote] Uhh.. I'm not sure where you got "a date" from including 'other people you trust' in that sentence... There are many people besides your parents you can get involved in the situation that would take it to a more serious level.. such as your elder brothers and sisters, some elders in the community, married friends, etc. [quote]Before making such point one should look things in totality and not just few cases going right (congrats to them btw). This board and few others are islamic boards and ppl come here with deen as the main purpose, so it can be a lithmus test but not the internet as a whole.[/quote] Here is what I said on this issue in its entirety: [quote]I think the 'net is a perfectly acceptable way to meet someone, just like meeting someone at a conference, a masjid class, school, work etc. (I might be bias here though ) It depends a lot on your niyyah [intention]. [/quote] Certainly many people use the 'net to meet people and flirt, just as some people attend conferences, classes, MSA, or interact with people at school or work in an inappropriate way. But, I stand by what I said, that if you are acting in an appropriate manner in any of these scenarios, there is nothing wrong with meeting someone by these means. Further, if a person *has* met someone by these means, whether or not their behavior/intention was appropriate, the best thing to do is work to make that relationship halal, through marriage. The net is simply a means of communication, that can be used for both bad and good. It definitely opens the door for a lot of possible wrong doing, but at the same time it provides a lot of potential for people to meet, network and do positive things. Again, it's a matter of personal discretion and whether an individual is using the means of communication in an appropriate manner. wasalaamu alaykum |
| 12/16/03 at 11:03:46 |
| se7en |
| Re: should i marry him?? |
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| Nomi |
| 12/16/03 at 23:36:14 |
| [slm] [quote] Uhh.. I'm not sure where you got "a date" from including 'other people you trust' in that sentence... [/quote] 'other ppl' was exactly the word that i was referring to coz if the questioner is not in a perfectly halal situation then you gotta be very careful in what you tell him/her. I trust many ppl and majority of ppl i trust are my friends coz i've got way more friends in number than my immediate family members. Point being, we should be specific when naseeha'ing' (can we make that slang?) coz if the person being trusted and taken along to meet the other party is just a friend then we'll call it a..?? [quote] The net is simply a means of communication, that can be used for both bad and good. It definitely opens the door for a lot of possible wrong doing [/quote] I agree with you there but 'differently', reason being, the internet brought more bad than good and again while naseehaing (thanks for agreeing on making it slang) we should emphasize on the bad things it brings more than what good it gave us. Although its we as the users who decide how to use it but look at the stats!!! There are many many ppl who think their children are 'innocent' and using internet for good, there are ppl who think that there children are actually quite religious but internet illudes them to the point of spiritual doom. Its all in 'numbers' [slm] A backward brother. |
| 12/16/03 at 23:38:17 |
| Nomi |
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