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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/05/03 at 03:29:58 |
| Salaam, For those of us thinking about getting married, about to get married, or are married, wanted to pose the following question to those who are already married: What are some of the best practical tips you would give to a newlywed on how to build a happy, peaceful home? A home that your husband or wife would want to come home to? Specifically, what do you do, sisters, that makes your husband happy/satisfied? Nothing graphic intended by this post, just general "happy home" type question. jazakumAllahukhair! :) |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Maliha |
| 12/05/03 at 04:07:08 |
| [slm] hee hee this is me favorite topic 8) (those who have heard my rhetoric don't roll ya eyes at me :P ) Just some major/minor stuff that have really helped me:) I haven't been married for long (a year and a half :-* ) so take me advice w/ a grain of salt...those who are veterans (ummwafi, Kathy, azizah, etc) can give you the real scoop:) okay... a) I don't have cable TV in my home. I have a TV/VCR that we use to watch selective tapes that we choose here and there. You may wonder what doest this have to do with anything? It really helps. A little apartment like mine echoes a great deal..and the vibe is set by the sounds that resonate all the time. Since we have this big huge void created by no TV, we have mad time to do other things together..like : have meaningful conversations:), read Quran, pray together, etc etc. Over this time we've been together, we have formed a really nice bond with each other...he is really me best friend Alhamdullillah:) b) we are both really NOT detail oriented and that's been a huge blessing ;D I don't fuss at the clothes he drops on the floor, and he doesn't care if the food is reheated from yesterday's meal (you would be surprised how many of my friends have *real* fights about these things ::) )... c)Less expectations of each other...I put mad pressure on myself for all aspects of my life and I have generally not been too dependent on anyone (except Allah) to do what I need to do...He is pretty independent too, so its nice. He doesn't really have a list of expectations for me (and vice versa). If I do something that I think is just "ordinary" like cook, he makes a big deal over how delicious it is, how much he appreciates my cooking, blah blah :-X If he cleans around the house, or cooks once in a while to surprise me, i am genuinly over the moon by it :-* so its nice...to truly appreciate each other, and that comes i think from lessened expectations? Allahu A'alam. d) Little things to show that you care...Go out of your way once in a while..to show you care. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. No expensive dinners can top genuine happiness on seeing him at the end of the day. Be affectionate, playful, corny even :P its really cute in a marriage:) e) Keep up your grooming habits. nuff said :-[ f) Communicate X 100000000000000000. Talk about all the little things and big things...We talk thru' out the day at least once/twice for general updates. it's nice...don't stay in contact be in touch always ;) g) Don't go to sleeb with a fight...its a cliche but really true. both of us can't really fall asleep if we haven't resolved something. So we talk it out until we come to a conclusion. h) Apologize. OMG...He taught me this...and it used to drive me nuts in the beginning ::) Every time I am mad (for a legit purpose or not) he would come and apologize so willingly and genuinely there is no where else to go. If he thinks I also contributed, he would specifically apologize for his part in it and not even beat up on the fact that I was rude too or sumthing like that. Then I am left with no choice to apologize too ::) its really a simply concept..but i know people who wouldn't talk for days cuz they hate to say sorry. I find it a lot easier now to apologize even outside the context of our relationship, its a really good disarming tool :) i) Keep Allah as the center of your relationship. Learn together, grow together, make that your individual relationships with Allah the supporting foundation of your waking and sleeping hours. Again simple but often over looked. since people tend to be on different planes..never ever underestimate your partner. You learn a lot by knowing that each and every person is really complex..and Subhana Allah when you gradually unfold the layers within, you become mesmerized at the beauty that each of us holds and the spiritual rays each of us emanates... j) For ladies...in general...try to respect his boundaries as a man, and vice versa. Always consult each other with minor/major decisions...let him know his input counts etc. Also in this fast paced, everyone is aggressive society, it's really nice to just be nurturing and compassionate to each other inside the home. Okay okay..now you are really rolling your eyes. this is way tooo long and by no means exhaustive. Lotsa duahs along the way helps, less stubbornness...look pwetty *just* for him :-*, etc etc. Sometimes its the commonsensical every day things that people are lacking in their relationship, while too busy planning the next big extravagantly cold vacation with each other... Okay i am gonna stop now :P let ze others give their tips :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Kathy |
| 12/05/03 at 10:10:09 |
| [quote]Tips on how to build a happy home[/quote] ;)...get rid of the husband.... :D :-/ :D :-/ [i] sorry, first thing that came to my mind..., gotta remember I have been married for a long time...[/i] |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Maliha |
| 12/05/03 at 10:20:30 |
| [slm] WAAAAAAH :'( WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH :'( Now i feel real stupid ::) [wlm] |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Fozia |
| 12/05/03 at 13:55:21 |
| [slm] [*]Never start mad heavy conversations when he walks in through the door after a day at work. Let him wash get changed, and eat first etc. Wassalaam |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| M.F. |
| 12/07/03 at 07:56:16 |
| [quote author=Fozia link=board=sis;num=1070612998;start=0#4 date=12/05/03 at 13:55:21] [slm] [*]Never start mad heavy conversations when he walks in through the door after a day at work. Let him wash get changed, and eat first etc. Wassalaam [/quote] ... then sock it to em. :-/ I think sis Nur_al_layl said it all very nicely. Ma sha Allah sis, may Allah continue to bless your marriage. I think a very good thing to keep in mind is: remember to say nice things to each other. As rudimentary as it sounds, sometimes days go by and you find you've forgotten. Especially with a kid taking up what used to be your time together. Kathy, in response to what you said, I'd say: don't have kids... yet. ;) |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| MIT |
| 12/08/03 at 05:10:23 |
| wa alaikum us-salaam I think this needs to be inscribed in gold. After a long day at work, then the journey home, the husband might well need at least 20 mins or so, just to recuperate before he is ready to deal with home. Most likely, he doesn't want to be bombarded with questions and news about whats been happening all day the very moment he steps in through the door. [quote author=Fozia link=board=sis;num=1070612998;start=0#4 date=12/05/03 at 13:55:21] [slm] [*]Never start mad heavy conversations when he walks in through the door after a day at work. Let him wash get changed, and eat first etc. Wassalaam [/quote] |
| NS |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Savaira |
| 12/08/03 at 10:00:47 |
| [slm] Well, ever heard the saying, a way to a man's heart is through his stomach? That goes so well with my hubby. He loves good food, and a good dessert after that. So maybe trying different things to cook that you know he may like. MashaAllah sis Nur-ul-Layl, you guys sound so easy going, but all men are not like that. I have been married 6 years, and I had it VERY different then that. In the begininng, my husband did not appreciate eating the day's before leftovers, or not having the bed made everyday, or having the house neat and clean everyday. I was such a messy person, and my husband loved clean. So we had some differences. But now Alhamdulillah, he has changed a lot, and so have I. Now, I don't have to have everything perfect, and he lets go little things that I have missed to do. In marriage one major thing I have seen is, you learn to live and grow with your husband. Its difficult to explain but its so true. For example, my husband used to be so hot tempered, not at me Alhamdulillah, but just in general, little things used to get him angry. Now when he goes to visit his relatives after a long time, they say, wow, he is such a nice and calm person now. Before he did not know how to say sorry AT ALL. If we would have a fight about anything, and he knew he did something wrong, he would never admit it, and that drove me nuts. He still doesn't say sorry :) but he lets me know somehow that he knows what he did wrong which is very acceptable by me :) We both give in a little. Alhamdulillah, now I know him so well, its scarey ;D. And he knows me so well too. If I have to tell him something or ask him something, he will come to me and say, say what u want to say already, and I will ask him, how do you know that I have to ask you something, and he will say, I can see the big question mark on your head ;) So to sum up all my jibber jabber, what I wanted to say is, there are so many different types of people. Both sides have to give in a little, and change, and live to love and grow with the other. I have no idea if I explained this right, but oh well...hope you get the point :) [wlm] |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/15/03 at 17:22:01 |
| Salaam, Sister Nur-ul-Layl, jazakAllahukhair. Very helpful. The rest of you married sisters, just think of the reward you'd get for helping out all of those newlyweds or soon-to-be-married folks, inshaAllah. :) |
| Re: Tips on how to build a happy home? |
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| amatullah |
| 12/16/03 at 10:20:45 |
| [wlm] Here is my two pennies worth :) The prophet [saw] said that alot of women are in hell and then the sahaba asked why do they do Kufr of Allah and His prophet? He [saw] answered no they do Kufran al3asheer. That means they deny the favors/conceal the good in their partners. So I guess that is something we should all watch out for. Most women will point out something that is wrong right away. I think it is important to let the small things pass and not fret over every single little thing because no two people will ever agree on everything. And just as you are quick to point out the bad, be the same with the good. When he does good things to you, tell him and reward him. Don't complain about him to others. If you really need advice on something, you can ask someone who you think is God-fearing won't tell others and is not biased. Don't go and pick your mother, usually they will be mad at him, you two will make up a day later, and they will keep it in thier hearts against him for a long time. So don't be like a vessel that only holds on to the bad moments/actions/feelings and let the good escape so fast. Don't get so wrapped up in your own self and feelings to the point where you forget/deny any good you've ever seen from the husband. Always make a conscious effort, when you are mad/dissatisfied,etc. to sit and think of the other side of this person. That is hard to do but it might save us from hellfire. I will also give you "practical" advices: something about the boundaries a sister mentioned but I just mean it a different way. I think it is VERY important to keep them. There is this idea in the west that being so close as sharing a life/home, that the two can see each other in everyway and saying everything emotion, etc. I don't think it is true for a healthy relationship. Keep your haya. The man may not care and does change clothes right away and you might need to rush into the washroom while he is there, but i don't think the opposite is good. It doens't mean it's not going to happen, I mean you are married. But just don't make it a habit. Do your personal laundery right away when it is that time of hte month, etc. Try to let him see only good things. This may seem common sense, but you'd be surprised. Same with the respect boundaries and communication. Learn to say what you mean, and he should know to be taking it into account wihtout resorting to crying and fights like most couples end up doing. But even if you argue, which it does happen sometimes, NEVER say things that are hurtful. Present what you have to say and make your point, but don't belittle him or her or say cursing etc. It is impossible to go back to a place of respect after some things are said. Watch your tongue, I believe I read that his prayers are not accepted if he stays married to a woman who doesn't do that. Have fun and don't be afraid to show you care. I am sure it is going to be at first all the time, then it will get less. It's normal. So I think it is our job to make sure it stays at a good point. Set a date for each other. Go for a nice walk, Hide surprises, etc. Perfume their clothes after ironing. Just little things sometimes show you care. A friend of mine is so tied up in whether that would seem like she is serving him,etc but i personal think well yes. i serve him and he does serve me too. It's not a political statement...it's personal marriage. Be resouceful. You may not have everything in the house you want/need, but Allah has given us a mind and ways to make do and still have a beautiful home and a tasty meal. Keep things changing and new. I don't mean buying. I just mean move things around in the house. Change your look, your interests, etc. Don't get dull and predicatable. Always learn new things. Be an inspriation for him. Encourage each other to get to your goals, don't be obstacles in each others ways. Remind him to memorize Quran, learn his deen, pray together once in a while, study Islam together, etc. Look nice at home, dress up. He sees women looking provacative all the time outside, his wife shouldn't be not attractive and smells only of cooking. And lastly, don't have too many headaches. You are not doing a favor, it is the basis of hte marriage. |
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