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| Strained relationship with mother? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/31/03 at 18:24:27 |
| Many times I see posts about family and was hoping someone could offer some advice. My mother and I have never really got along. Now that I am an adult it is still the same. I know we are not suppose to be rude or disrespectful. If their basic needs are met can we just not have anything to do with them? I feel awful and have always given in and been the submissive one. And that is really getting old and I feel angry and even hatred over it. My feelings with my mother are like I will never be respected by her. She is always right. I feel tollerated not loved or respected or cared about. I feel like I can never say anything right. Others say they see an big differnce how she talks to me verses others in the family. Not like a baby, just like she no interest in me or my life and just tollerates me. If we are to go out it is where and when she wants or we do not go. If I try to invite her she is always busy with her life and friends but that is ok with me. If we fall out of sorts and I try to stand my ground, I will give in and be the sweet one and I am tired of it. Actually I am totally fed up with it and there is much more but I can't say to much or it will give away who I am and I am embarrassed and that is why I an posting this Anon. Sadness and hurt turned into resentment many years back and now over years resentment and hurt have turned into dispisement and anger with a touch of hatered. But I remain poliet and submissive. I do not know what to do and wish to just keep away from her totally. I am open to suggestions but keep in mind this woman is a control freak and I am tired of being unloved and just tollerated. I can no longer stand her cause I do not feel loved by her and I cry wishing I had a real mother. |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 01/01/04 at 08:11:09 |
| [slm] ...Mash'Allaah. I can relate to some of what's in ur post, and I really wish I could give u some kind of advice...As it is, I don't have anything to offer :( Am so sorry. What u have written about is something that I struggle with too, but u seem to be doing a much better job islamically than I am :) [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1072913067;start=0#0 date=12/31/03 at 18:24:27]. If we fall out of sorts and I try to stand my ground, I will give in and be the sweet one and I am tired of it. ...But I remain poliet and submissive. [/quote] :( I can't even do that. At least u insha'Allaah will be gaining reward for remaining patient, whereas I... Although advice has failed me in response to ur request, I pray things between ur mother and urself work out insha'Allaah. Even if they are not resolved, I hope that u will continue to stay strong and so insha'Allaah be rewarded, rather than wronging urself in front of not just ur mother, but going against the commands of Allaah, considering we are told of how much honour are parents hold and how much respect we should have for them. May all the pain and anguish u may feel or harbour be replaced with serenity and immense reward, ameen. Take care :) wa'salaam |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| faisalsb |
| 01/02/04 at 09:49:17 |
| [slm] Sister Anonymous are you talking about your REAL mother or she is your step mother? |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| bhaloo |
| 01/02/04 at 21:29:20 |
| [slm] Besides being kind and polite, have you tried asking about her day, the activities she's involved in, how she's doing, maybe doing a fun activity with her (going out for lunch, going to the mall, buying her a gift?). If things have been bad between you for a while, she may still have some of those ill feelings and it will take time for those emotional wounds to heal. Here's part of an article about the importance of being kind to one's mother and the benefits of doing this: To be obedient to parents and to show kindness to them has been enjoined along with the Oneness and Worship of Allah, in the Holy Quraan, in such a manner that it appears that among human deeds, to obey parents and treat them with respect and kindness is next only to Divine Worship. The Quraan says, in Sura Bani Israail: "Your Lord (The Creator) has ordained that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to the parents." In a hadeeth the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said that the parents of a person are his Heaven or Hell. This shows that if a person obeys his parents and attends to their needs and comforts and keeps them happy, he will attain Paradise. On the other hand, if he is rude and disobedient to them and offends them by ignoring their feelings or by causing them grief in any other way, his place shall be in Hell. Anyone who seeks to please Allah should earn the good pleasure of his parents. To keep the parents well pleased is essential since their anger and displeasure will lead to Allah's anger and displeasure. The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said "In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of the Creator and in his displeasure, lies the displeasure of the Creator." Here the mother has not been mentioned, but, according to many other ahaadeeth, the right of the mother with regard to service and kind treatment is even higher than that of the father. Therefore, her pleasure or displeasure will carry an equal significance. The time that the parents need to be looked after most carefully is in their old-age, and to serve them devotedly in that state is most pleasing to Allah and it is an easy way to attain Paradise. Abu Hurairah (R.A.) relates that the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said "May he be disgraced, may,he be disgraced, may he be disgraced." "Who?" The Sahaaba enquired. "The person whose parents, or any one of them, attain old-age during his life-time and he does not earn Paradise (by being kind-hearted and dutiful to them)!" Therefore, anyone who gets an opportunity to serve his parents in their old-age and does not avail himself to it (to attain Paradise), undoubtedly, he is a most wretched person. Abu Hurairah (R.A.) narrates that a person asked the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam "Who has the greatest claim on me with regard to service and kind treatment?" The Prophet replied, "Your mother, and again your mother, and once again your mother. After her, is the claim of your father, then that of your near relations, and then of the relations next to them." This, obviously, shows that where care and kind treatment are concerned, the claim of the mother is greater than that of the father. It appears to be the same in the Qur'aan too. In many instances, the pain and the suffering which the mother has to bear during pregnancy, at childbirth, and in the bringing-up of the children, has been mentioned along with the emphasis of expressing kindness to parents. In one hadeeth the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has clearly stated that a person's Paradise lies at his mother's feet. By serving her well and being obedient to her, one can attain Paradise. In some other ahaadeeth the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has explained that serving the mother, the maternal aunt and maternal grandmother, are among the acts by whose piousness, even the repentance of a great sinner and evil-doer is accepted and he is forgiven. The real reward for serving the parents, with great attention, is Paradise and the pleasure of Allah. But the Almighty bestows a special favour, in this world too, on the believer who fulfills the parents' rights devotedly. Jabir (R.A.) reports that the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said "Allah prolongs the life of a person who obeys his parents and serves them devotedly." In another hadeeth, the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam is reported to have said, "Obey your parents and treat them with kindness, your children will be kind and obedient to you. Just as the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam declared, that serving ones parents well is an act of great virtue, he condemned the showing of disobedience to them, or harming them, as a most serious and detestable sin. When asked about the major sins, the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam replied." To associate anyone with Allah, to disobey the parents, to kill unlawfully and to give false evidence." The above-mentioned acts have been condemned as 'Akbarul-Kabaair' ie the most serious of the major sins. The order in which the Prophet said them, shows that the disregard of parents rights is next, only, to Polytheism (Shirrk) and it is even more serious than murder. The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said "To abuse one's parents is also a major sin." He was asked "Can anyone abuse his parents?" "Yes," the Prophet replied, "If a person abused someone else's parents and that person, in retaliation, abused his parents, - then it is as though he himself had abused his parents." We can imagine, from this, what an important place respect for parents occupies in the moral and social teachings of Islam, and how careful one should be about it. |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| rkhan |
| 01/03/04 at 01:37:32 |
| [slm] I share a v.v.close relationship with my mom that's why I'm so sorry to hear that u two don't get along. I'm going to have a baby inshaAllah in a few days time and I'm hoping to have a girl so that we share the same bonding. I feel for you sister and I'm wondering WHY whould any mother give her daughter the impression that she's unloved? How long has this been the case? Are your parents together and do they have a good relationship, you don't mention any other siblings...how is she with them? Did she have a problem with your gender, did she want a son instead of a daughter? I'm sorry if my questions are too personal, you don't have to reply in case you think they are and excuse me for probing...I just want to understand this situation better and inshAllaah work towards avoiding it with my own children....may Allaah protect us all! |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| faith |
| 01/04/04 at 09:38:49 |
| [slm] sorry Anon, for your bad relationship with your mom. Truthfully, I have great relationship with my mom, but only after the divorce thing happened between my mom and dad. I am thankful that I dragged her to islamic classes at 1st, and then she dragged me, and now, we have both changed islamically for the better. I see my cousins have difficult relationships with their moms, where their moms can be described as control freaks, and has led to a divorce by one of my cousins (a case of an interfering mother in-law). The only solution to such bad mother behaviour is for the mother to learn about the true islam, and then to live islam. I know, muslims will preach, "you have to be good to your parents, its an obligation, its a big sin if you dont". These people who preach that, dont know what someone in that situation goes through, and how conflicted one feels - hating/resenting your parent, and yet, you have to be good to them. I resent my father (no details necessary) for the things he did, and for the burdens he left me to shoulder. and I constantly struggle to do right by him. My only argument to continue to be kind to my father is that, my life, my death, my worship, is to please Allah, and I will do whatever it takes to please my Lord, even if deep in my heart, I don't like it. Because, even though I dont love my dad any more, I love my Lord, Allah, deeply. I hope that helps...my life is now an open book... :-) |
| Re: Strained relationship with mother? |
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| sal |
| 01/09/04 at 14:38:21 |
| [slm] I think we don't have to distrust the natural love parents have for their kids but the way they show vary from one to another according to the aptitude for this .But the question is? Why do we have to strive to know ? if this drives us to a hatred between the other members of the family and at the first place the mum In every family there is a expected love among them that everyone loves the other but the scope of how much from one to another depends on the resemblance of each two or more .The more any two has similar common characters the more these demonstrate more love to each other .Well mum as one of these members it is logic she can love one more than the other and so it is not her fault to control a natural feeling , but this is not an excuse for her if she is unjust .in front of ALLAH to what she is supposed to be as a mother , but is an excuse in front of the kid Why ? because if she is such ignorant to please ALLAH with her deeds of not being attentive with what is wrong and right as a mother in regard of religion , Why to charge her to please the a creature (the kid) before ALLAH It seems then she needs such enlightening before she is blamed for the mistakes she might be practicing to be a pain It is like to want an ill treat as a doctor So let her be fine first then she can treat the ailing .Sorry but I am just trying to chose case in point . Is that ok ? In this case she needs your help or at least patience and justification to avoid any hatred but still she is to be appreciated for raising until you are a big full-fledged In the other hand is the contradictory mother to the above one A mother with good education and knowledge of social affairs and religion With no such the above attribute ,but still behave in such inequitable way with one of her brood . In this case it is obvious there is difference in characters between you and her and this is what is causing the strained relation ship And if so it is you to answer if you can be changed to the way she is or not. Otherwise then why you want her be like you ? (we are close to find an excuse I bet ) If any one of you is not supposed to be matching, it seems you could identify the point of misunderstanding and therefore you can be different charactered brains but the same blood ,.and hence all you need is to take care of that blood relation and be smart not to give the satan the chance to whisper you by only magnifying your mother's wrong reaction to you . And finally what ever they are what can we do ? except to accept them (parents ) as they are . or get used to It is allowed to oppose them if they only want us please them with what annoys ALLAH and as long as we are and or will be parents in our turn lets be flexible and big hearted and earn a double benefit 1-BY FORGVING AND EXCUSING WE GAIN REWARD FROM ALLAH 2- WE CAN LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF PARRENTS HOW TO TREAT OUR KIDS AND GOOD LUCK FOR ALL [wlm] ;-) |
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