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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Gap in our understanding & mental compatability? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/04/04 at 04:54:35 |
| sslamo alaikum, I have a complex situation and let me start by telling a bit about myself. I am a very well educated person who tries to live his life by Islam to the best of his ability (alhumdulillah). I have received my high school and college education from US yet I have very strong roots to my native country. About 2 1/2 yrs ago, I had a sort of arranged marriage, where a girl was shown to me in my home country where I went for a visit, and everyone's feedback was very positive. The girl prayed and observed hijab and had finished highschool. I said sort of arranged as I was not pressured at all, it was my choice. Of course the girls are very shy back there so there was no chance of getting to know her so. Trusting my family members and being inexperienced in the marriage situtations, I accepted and got married. Now the present: We have one beautiful child and the only problem is that we have a huge gap in our understanding. There is no chance of having an intelectual conversation between us. There is no mental compatabiliy among us. Yes she prays and observes hijab , her aqeedah is right. She is respectful of my family and I do not blame her in anyway and we both are fulfilling our rights according to Islam alhumdulillah but I have a huge emptiness in me as I am a sort of person who thrives for intelligent conversations. I had always expected that my wife would be a partner in everything, discussions, worldly issues, religion etc. I do not feel the happiness or the satisfaction that I hear/read/see in others from their life partners or maybe I am just expecting too much, I dont know. I have talked to my father and his response was to divorce as you can not live your life like this. But it is not that simple, not when you have a kid and not when it is not your wife's fault, this is how her personality is. I know that Mashallah she is very happy(this is not just the feeling). I am not perfect in any way but still I have been trying to make the situation better since the first week of our marriage. I guess I should have known better as to expect this since our backgrounds were so different. Nevertheless this still does not solve my present problem. Yes I can live the rest of my life like this but sometimes it just becomes very very hard and I just ask Allah for patience and His guidance. I do not know if you would have any answer for me but I certainly would appreciate any advice. jazakallah khair |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| faith |
| 01/04/04 at 09:18:45 |
| [slm] Dear brother Anon, I see a simple solution to your emotional/intellectual emptiness from your marriage. You said that your wife is intelligent, though not educated, nor come from the same background. My suggestion, how about sponsporing her to further her education? You both now live in the US right? That way, her intellectual capacity, her knowledge in wordly things, her outlook on life, may change & increase for the better! She will be able to taste the things you tasted in your life. If a person had never went to school in a particular country, or worked there, then, that person would never really have interacted with the society there, and hence would not understand the things you go through, on a daily basis. Being at home, a housewife & mom, can be quite isolating from the society you live in, so encourage to do the things you did, so that she would understand your perspective in life. Well, that's all I can say. I hope your marriage will work out, and last. Peace :-) |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 01/04/04 at 10:06:19 |
| asalaam alakum, I agree with what sr. faith said. plus, it sounds like she is young, maybe early 20's? she probably still has a few years to mature and to grew intelluctually. best thing is for her to further her degree, even if it is by taking one class a semester. DIVORCE is not an option here brother. it is not fair to your child who will later on in life will come to ask why you and his mother are divorced and you will reply what? "um, yeah, we couldn't have any exciting discussions, so son, you had to grow up without a father" i am not down playing your situation and i am not mocking it at all, so please forgive me if it sounds like that... but please weigh the two sides. why not join a group or organization where you can have those wonderful and exciting discussions and than at home just chill with your wife adn child? w'salaam. |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| Kathy |
| 01/04/04 at 21:54:21 |
| [slm] I have been in this situation. In my first marriage I was the idiot... he was much more intelligent than I. Of course it is something that happens. He is a doctor and many of his conversations went right over my head. So he turned to a good friend to have the stimulating conversations that he longed to have with me, but basically, intellectually, I could not keep up. I wasn't offended, I understood. This was no reason to divorce, just a good reason to make a good friend. Even now, my Hubby and I are on different levels in different topics. For awhile I was irritated that I could not have stimulating conversations with him... But then I formed other relationships with friends and found that need fulfilled. Sure, it would be nice to have these same conversations with my marriage partner, but then I remind myself of the ayat that tells us there may be something in them that displeases you, but it is good for us. So I look at his positives and decided to keep him! ;) One thing for sure... rarely is the grass greaner on the other side.... |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/06/04 at 12:02:28 |
| assalamu alaikum I agree with sister Kathy, try to hook up with friends or get involved in circles of discussion with others that are at your level. The gap that you mention exists between myself and my wife, but perhaps not as profoundly as you mention. So my solution is simple, i get together with friends who i can speak to at my level, and by the time i'm home my thirst for stimulating conversation is quenched. |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| Maliha |
| 01/06/04 at 18:49:22 |
| [slm] someone mentioned letting her take classes (which i think is a brilliant idea) why don't you teach her at home too? Just work together on having a once a week/twice or however many mini halaqas at home. Tell her it would be nice to increase our Islamic Knowledge, read books together and try to comprehend their messages etc. A tafsir of the Quran, hadith, and others...prob her brain about questions you deem are intellectual, and try to expand your relationship with her into that realm. You will be really surprised... If you can't find the time to sit together (i doubt this would happen) then informally talk to her...i talk about things i learn with my hubby everyday...just things i thought were interesting, or things that bothered me, and why...and his insight many a times has been awesome in giving me depth into many issues i am dealing with. It's really important to have a dynamic relationship, and yes even if you have a circle you can talk to...definitely build on having a rapport with your wife by empowering her, educating her, and also learning from each other...include her in your decisionmaking and never for once underestimate her (every person is very complex...) which leads me to a very related point and that is get to really *know* her. Sometimes we are comfortable placing people in little boxes and make assumptions about them. It does happen even with those closest to us. Find a good babysitter, and take her out...to the park, by the lake, under the starry skies and try to know this amazing blessing Allah brought into your life... understand her dreams, her hopes, her childhood fantasies, her fears, her deepest depths ..you may find she is actually *more* intelligent than you ;) Sis in struggle, :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| Caraj |
| 01/06/04 at 20:10:52 |
| Salaam Anon, I wanted to let you know I understand where you're coming from cause I have a similar problem. Also I think the above advice is terrific. In my marriage I'm the one wanting to talk, debate and discuss religion, politics, world events and more. My husband has no interest. I think asking her if she would like to take a class or two, maybe gently have nice talks beginning slowly. Maybe one evening you can ask her to put your child to be a little early and tell her you'd like to just talk. Maybe she is has many thoughs on many things and is being shy and not wanting to be the starter of such conversations. Have a nice dinner and ask her how she feels about this or about that. If you read something during the day that you find interesting, say something like, Dear, I read about ****** today in the paper and it made me do some serious thinking, I was wondering how you feel about ******? Ask her how she feels about certain Quran verses, what they mean to her. Ask her how she feels about something in the news. Begin little talks that will give her the oppotunity to expand her thinking. And the offer to let her take a class or two is wonderful. As for you, broadening your circle of brothers for talks that will feed your mind and such. Maybe you can begin a mens night at your local Islamic center. I understand how you feel, besides my wanting to learn about islam I also find this site a great place to feed my intellectual hunger. If you want to call it that :D Bhaloo, Nomi, Humble Muslim, BroHanif, Sidiqqui (I think I spelled that wrong) they can get to talking Islam, world event and more like all get out. How about you Bro's have a yahoo IM conference 'just Bro's ' talk and schedual something for 2 times a month? It can be just bro's and instant chat in yahoo, I have done that before, where I would arranged a time for friends and family to meet, do a conference chat, put your ID on invisable so you are not bothered but others. Maybe pick a topic. If you do this like 1 hour every other week have a specific topic for the first half hour and open talk the last half hour. I hope these ideas help. I sure know where you are coming from as a sister on the board has helped me through this and knows what I am going through. ( Not mentioning names sis ;) ) Work with your wife Start a mens night at the local Islamic center Maybe see if the bro's here will do a conference chat every other week. Be patient with your wife (sounds like you already are) ADDED LATER: An idea mentioned above but with more ideas added, If your Islamic center will allow you a room maybe once or twice a month (even once a week) Announce that brothers are invited to a mens night for discussion on world events, Islamic discussions and family things and ideas. Ask any brother coming if maybe he can ask his wife to bake something you could bring and share (but mention it is not required) The first time you may only get 1 or 2 others, but after a few meetings and once word gets around you may be surprised how many come to enjoy a social time of bro's and talks. Take care |
| 01/06/04 at 20:20:51 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| musalman |
| 03/22/04 at 20:04:25 |
| asslaom alaikum, I was the one who had originally posted the message as I was nll. A safe women’s space is needed. -avoid any class or workshop or martial arts school where the ego of the teacher is what you learn about. Any true and good teacher is humble and open. My teacher is constantly continuing her learning from all others. She is willing to change and update as needed. It is not about ‘her’ at all. I have no idea what is available to people but a few tips and strategies that work are: 1. Trust your instinct.. if your instinct says cross the street.. do that 2. If confronted and/or attacked… Yell, make a scene. No attacker wants a scene 3. some good physical techniques are: -base of your palm heel to chin or face (safer, more powerful then a punch and is great for someone close and that’s where an attacker may be) -step on the top of foot.. lots of nice bones there -knee or swing leg and snap to the groin -elbow in any way to the head If you get pulled to the ground or fall to the gr regards to lectures, I have been somewhat successful so inshallah am making some progress there. One feeling that I did gather from reading all of your posts is : is there no concept of a soul mate or perhaps a life partner who is truly compatible to you, or is that really just a myth or an outcome of living in American society and getting brainwashed by them. Because the question comes, what if after all one has tried, it is the personality of your partner that really does not attract you at the end. Are the two people merely suppose to live together for the sake of their kids? Would that be wise enough and safe for the Iman of that particular partner? Please do remember me in your prayers and May Allah make it better for me and all the other couples (Ameen). |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| theOriginal |
| 03/22/04 at 20:17:54 |
| [slm] Why don't you enroll her in some English classes...she must be going through huge cultural shocks at this point, and how is she supposed to communicate with anybody. Regardless of how much love you provide her, I'm sure she requires SOME level of independence. I feel for her...she needs an element of a social life....maybe if she has friends (female ones), she would be encouraged to do much more. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| timbuktu |
| 03/22/04 at 21:28:48 |
| [slm] dear musalman intellectual compatibility is not all that common between husbands and wives. Even when the two are educated to similar degree. as humans grow, their interests diverge, and those who are compatible become less so. instead of focussing on the unhappiness this causes, which will only make it more acutely felt, follow the advice given in the posts above, and just be thankful for the positive things you see in your wife. Don't give divorce even a thought. Teach her English because the environment speaks English. See what she is interested in, and you should yourself take interest in that. I am sure she will be capable of holding a conversation in her native language and on a subject of her choice. Even if she isn't, it is still not grounds for divorce. __________ added bit: if she likes fictional novels, there are some novels which fictionalise Islamic history. |
| 03/22/04 at 22:10:12 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 03/22/04 at 21:44:56 |
| [slm] brother It seems like school seems boring to her which is understandable. If she is from pakistan they mostly do memorization which isnt too fun. You also mentioned that she seems to like fictional novels more than Islamic books. This is also understandable as they might be more fun/interesting. School over in the USA is not always as boring. Why dont you tell her to atleast try some classes for you and see if she likes it. Maybe you should express your concern to her and she would probably end up wanting to know more just for you. Who knows maybe she will end up liking it and want to take more classes. Try to make learning fun for her instead of piling her with books. Maybe you can find some flash Islamic sites and let her do a search on her own. Try to explain to her why learning and gaining knowledge is so important. Ask her what interests her and she can start from there. Most of all make lots of dua. your sis |
| 03/22/04 at 21:47:30 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| faisalsb |
| 03/25/04 at 00:01:02 |
| [slm] Well while agreeing with all the replies I'll like to mention that I feel brother musalman is one of the most lucky persons on the earth. Because the qualities what he has mentioned about his wife are rare in today's world. And he can get to know that only by browing this very board and looking into it's archices that people do face very complicated problems compare to him. So my advice is that put your trust in Allah and don't go for any blunder like DIVORCE. May Allah help you to make the right decision. |
| Re: Gap in our understanding & mental compatabilit |
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| readagain |
| 03/25/04 at 11:31:42 |
| [slm] well i just wanted to say that if she is interested in fiction than u shld get her american/english fiction and read that urself too, that shld improve the english/vocab problem and hopefully will spark some interest in other things. and then slowly u guys can can move onto more intellectual level... its so funny how sometimes ppl have totally opposite situations..(ok not totally) like when i was back in my home country, i wd read newspapers everyday (here we dont get newspaper at home,i SOMETIMES read it online), i used to read diff monthly magazines (here i only browse Time and Newsweek at work when i get a chance) and i used to read lots of urdu fiction and poetry (i dont get those at all here) when i came to the US, it waslike suddenly i wasnt connected to the world (unless i make a REAL effort by myself) the 6:30 pm "World News" has nothing but what USA does and where its doing whatever it wants to do..i mean..its not REALLY world news..and so like..slowly and gradually..im becoming stupid everyday :( oh well.. [] oh and my fiance cant read urdu at all ::)he speaks it very cutely tho ;) (thats one of my goals, teach him urdu! Inshallah!!) :-) |
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