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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Forced to make choice |
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| Sima |
| 01/06/04 at 19:13:05 |
| As-salaam Alaikum all I am in a bit of a dilemna and thought people here might be able to give some good advice. My parents introduced me to someone and things turned out well except he now says he wants me to hold off on my education a few years when I only have a few months so I can be with him because he can not move. I like the guy but to give up so many years of hard work (almost seven since high school) is something I am not sure I can do especially since Ill be basically done by November. What do u guys think? Thanks for your advice in advance Sima :-) |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| IMuslim_4Ever |
| 01/06/04 at 20:03:50 |
| [slm] hmm... you are in a hard situation... i am going to try to give advice, but forgive me if i don't make sense... are you talking about marriage? did you tell this person what you want? and then did he tell you that he can't move? move where? and do you have to go to his house right away? did you tell your parents about what you want? sorry i am asking too many questions... but you should make sure that he wants to marry you, because of islam and becuase he likes you for who you are... and if he chose you for who you are then what you want should matter... he should wait untill you finish your educaiton... Education is really important, especially for us Muslim sisters... i don't think you should let go of your dream... and you should make sure that the reason why you are going to let go of your dream considers your dream and cares about you... sorry, if i confuse you... hope i helped :) ... you are in my duaa May Allah [swt] help you to come up with a right decision. ameen btw, welcome to this message board ma salaama |
| 01/06/04 at 20:05:50 |
| IMuslim_4Ever |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Sima |
| 01/06/04 at 20:25:19 |
| Salaams are you talking about marriage? yes did you tell this person what you want? yes I did then did he tell you that he can't move? No I knew about but assumed we could work something out. He has a legitimtate reason,he has made a three year committment for work. and do you have to go to his house right away? That is what he wants did you tell your parents about what you want? I did and they support me you should make sure that he wants to marry you, because of islam and becuase he likes you for who you are... and if he chose you for who you are then what you want should matter... he should wait untill you finish your educaiton... Education is really important, especially for us Muslim sisters... i don't think you should let go of your dream... and you should make sure that the reason why you are going to let go of your dream considers your dream and cares about you... I know I have a lot of unansered questions too. He says he doesnt wanna lose this chance but it doesnt make sense that he cant wait a few months, thats why I am confused. Thanks for the kind words and advice and for keeping me in your prayers. Also,Thanks for the welcome. I apoligize for not introducing myself. Ill post a proper introduction soon. Masalaam |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Caraj |
| 01/06/04 at 20:41:07 |
| Goodness, what a dilema to be in :( My advice for what it's worth. Finish your school. You have spent so many years on it and now you are down to your last 11 months. In my opinion if he is a good, caring and thoughtful man, he will understand. Not saying he isn't, tis just my opinion. After all the time you have invested, I think it would be selfish on his part to ask you to give up so much. Are you in the US? If so don't they have spring and summer breaks? If you're speaking marriage, can he wait till Nov or make arrangements to fly and see you or visa versa? Another thought? If he is asking you to give up your education (even if temp) will he ask you not to work also? What other demands and / or requests will he put on you after marriage? Just a thought Sis. This is a tough one. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with ANY marriage but sadly we know at times it does, if this didn't work out wouldn't you want to be able to fall back on your chosen proffession? I have a dear friend of 14 plus years who became a teacher and finished up her education just before she got married, she had children, 5 to be exact and became a full time mom, now they are all grown (last one is entering high school now, others are done) and everything has changed and she needs further eduction and had spent the last 2 years as a substute and can't get on fulltime as a regular teacher. One other thought, he is asking you to delay it now to be with him then what happens when you get pregnet, another delay ??? This whole thing can be put on hold 18 or more years if you let it. Just my thoughts, forgive me if I sound a bit rough, these are things I would think about if asked to delay my hard work. I find it is easier to finish something NOW than to try to pick it back up later. Also once you get out of the studying habit, it is hard to get back into it. I wish you well. |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Ayaatee |
| 01/06/04 at 21:02:08 |
| [slm] Sima, if he is a good brother (character wise) and has good deen, compatible with you, financially stable, then I say put your trust in Allah and get married. If you only have 11 months to go to complete your schooling Insha'Allah, then this can be accomplished in many many ways, Alhamdulilah. Distance learning is very popular these days. Many major universities in the US and abroad have excellent programs available. Just think, this may be the one for you, inshallah. Why make the brother wait when he is obviously ready to wed! I know it may seem selfish on his part, but put yourself in his position for minute! Wallah, marriage and raising children are about giving a lot of yourself and taking in a lot. This may be your test, sister. A first of many to come, inshallah. So many sisters are in need of a good spouse. If you have a potential good mate, don't let him go! Marriage is an important part of Islam. hope that helps |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Caraj |
| 01/06/04 at 21:11:58 |
| Ayaatee has a good point that I didn't think about......distance learning I still stand by my opinon, but maybe you can check and see if there is a school near him where you can finish up your studies. See if you can study at home, I know internet classes and at home studies are a big thing now. Maybe ask him if he desires children anytime soon or is he willing to wait for you if you are willing to wait on him in this situation. No matter what you do, please try to have all things discussed and agreed upon before you marry to avoid disagreements in the future. May I ask what you are studying? If you prefer not to say, no problem :) And welcome to the board :-) |
| 01/06/04 at 21:17:48 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Shahida |
| 01/07/04 at 05:10:31 |
| [slm] I dont usually post advice, cuz I dont usually have any ::) My dear sister Sima. Your situation reminded me of a dear sister of mine, I am telling you the story to let you know what happened to her, not to scare you. We all know that everything is in Allah's hands, and I pray that He will guide you and make things easy for you. She was in her 5th year at medical school. She got a proposal from a man who lived in a different city, he was wealthy and she would never ever need to work if she married him. His only condition for marriage was that she give up her studies (1 more year of med school) and move to be with him. We also have a severe shortage of eligible, committed Muslim brothers here, and she decided (and her family encouraged her) to marry him and leave her studies. 6 months later she was back home, the marriage did not work out, the medical school would not accept her back, she is still at home with her parents, and very unhappy. She feels like she gave up so much for him, and is very depressed! Was it worth it? Allahu a3lam Now, if you are studying something that you could continue from the city where he lives, then the answer to your question is clear: go ahead, marry him, and continue your education from there. If not, then I suggest you think hard and clearly, and most importantly, PRAY ISTIKHARA!! Allah will never burden you with more than you can bare, and He is the One we should turn to always. Allah will surely guide you to what is best for you inshaAllah. You are in my prayers, Salam Shahida :-) |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Ayaatee |
| 01/07/04 at 12:42:09 |
| [slm] "6 months later she was back home, the marriage did not work out, the medical school would not accept her back, she is still at home with her parents, and very unhappy." Dear, ukhtee Shahidah Remind your companion, that she did not give up anything for the brother. Rather Allah's decree was done. No matter what the situation was.. marriage or it could have been an afliction or an emergency situation in her family... Allah knows best. Everyone can ONLY have or obtain what Allahu Ta'ala has decreed for them to have and not a nickel, dime or Doctorate more! She should not be sad or depressed, she is still a highly educated woman, inshallah! Remember, every situation is good for the believer and the believer does not become hopeless! I'm sure, Inshallah, with a postive attitude and much ad'eeya she will find some work to busy herself with and an even better husband than the one she had before!! :-X |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 01/07/04 at 20:22:44 |
| sister, just keep making istikhara, alot and alot of istikhara and duaas that Allah will do what is best for you. everyone is different, and i can tell you one thing, and later on you will regret that you didn't do the opposite. that is why we make istikhara because only Allah knows what is best for all of us. everyone will know someone who choose one of your paths who failed adn who suceeded. somehow i don't see there is a choice. you can do both. in my country they usually have the time between the nikah and the walimah (or when the bride goes home with the groom)from anywhere from one hour to one year. why not have your nikah, than after school is finished have your walima. one thing to point out, and this might not be a big thing, but be careful of a guy who demands YOU sacrifce for HIS own benefit. this might be or might not be happening, walahu alam. |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| lucid9 |
| 01/08/04 at 06:17:59 |
| [slm] (1) any guy who wants a girl to give up 7 years of education is first of all very selfish, and secondly a deranged nutter (2) what is with this: put your trust in allah advice? Allah does not expect us to choose fire instead of water with the hope that Allah will simply protect us from 2nd degree burns. Trust except in extreme cases is not supposed to contradict common sense. Often common sense tells us to be patient and trust in Allah and that everything will work out. Trust in Allah does not mean: ok lets do something stupid, and then hope that Allah fixes things up (3) I don't know about this idea of making istikhara 6 million times about the same thing. in the dua for istikhara we pray "....if you know this is good for me and my religion make it easy for me and make it happen...and if you know it is bad for me and my religion then turn me away from it and turn it away from me..." Often when people make istikhara so often, it is just an excuse for not using the judgement Allah has already given them and for being over paranoid. Make istikhara if necessary a number of times, but not a zillion. Then take your decision and trust that Allah has guided you to what is good. And allah knows best..... |
| 01/08/04 at 06:24:51 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Sima |
| 01/08/04 at 19:22:59 |
| As-salaam Alaikum Hey guys thank you for the advice and good thoughts. I told him how I felt. I heard through someone else that waiting till November would be ok with him. Im supposed to talk to him tonight. Ill let you guys know how things go. Dont forget to pray for me. masalaam |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| Sima |
| 01/11/04 at 16:37:44 |
| As-salaam Alaikum Ok so I talked to him and he said he could wait because he understands how much it means to me. BUT now he has this thing about wanting to talk on the phone. Im not judgemental but I had told him that I dont feel comfortable with it, earlier he said it was fine and he understood but now he is saying there is nothing wrong with it. We still keep in touch through email almost daily. Uhhhhh, what do I do with him? Got any ideas on how to convince him otherwise??? Thanks guys |
| Re: Forced to make choice |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 01/11/04 at 21:51:03 |
| maybe you guys can communicate over email and have your walii's address included so that he gets the emails also. that way you guys can talk, but at hte same time you have someone 'with' you.... |
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