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14+ Year Age Difference

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14+ Year Age Difference
Kathy
01/19/04 at 09:47:50
[slm]

Your opinion please.

A 42 year old man asked me to look for a woman in her twenties for marriage, as he wants children.

He has children, but 'lost' them to a non Muslim wife. [i](guys please take note!)[/i] He does not want a woman who has children.

I am not posting this as an ad.

He asked me if he was being unreasonable in this age difference.  I know what my answer was...

What would you say?
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
Danyala
01/19/04 at 10:13:02
[slm]

What is wrong with him looking at 30+ sisters who are unmarried and without children?

[wlm]
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
IMuslim_4Ever
01/19/04 at 11:14:49
[slm]

sorry if i sound mean... but he is asking for a bit too much i should say...

i agree with Danyala... and to add on... whats wrong if the women have children? he wants children to begin with... doesn't he?

nyhowz, goodluck to him...

ma salaama
::)Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
Caraj
01/19/04 at 12:35:32
Kathy, tell him coming from a woman (at the delicate age of 42  ::)  )
Looking back, I am so different now than in my 20's
I am still yet quite different now than I was in my 30's.
My ideas, tastes, views and more have changed drastically.
As a woman matures, little by little she comes to her senses.  :P

I have seen age different marriages work and I have seen them not work.
My advice is if he were to do this to look for a very very mature female in her 20's. Otherwise 10 years down the road I fear he may find himself in the same boat. Also men have better luck at controling a a female in their 20's as they are no match for someone their own age. (not saying all, but some depending upon the mind set.

In a woman's 20's (most not all) the feelings are as such:   let me make you happy, oh you are so right, oh here let me please you, please don't be mad at me. Please try to see my point of view. I have feelings too.

In a woman's 30's she begins to think:   Hey turkey, you know, you're not  always as right as you'd like to believe.   Ok so you're mad, get over it why don't ya. But at times the 20's emotions get mixed in there so there is a a bit of a balance.

In our 40's     ::)  WATCH OUT   (hehe) we are like>>>>>   ::)   YA RIGHT don't even go there.   Mad at me???  ya ok whatever   ::)  Wanna leave??? There's the door don't let it hit you where the Almighty split ya   :o



And it will take 14 years for her to catch up to him (depending upon the male and female) in views, opinions and tastes. World, political and religious views. (But then again she may of already surpassed him and in other instance may never.) But by then he is in his 60's and still thinks he knows it all.

Anyway there is my opinionated opinion for the poor guy   ;)
Use caution and take lot's of time to make sure his possible intended and him are a match.
01/19/04 at 12:39:57
Caraj
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
Ayaatee
01/19/04 at 15:43:18
[slm]

I'll be the odd one out and totally disagree! Especially with sister Azizah! A lot of times young women are stereotyped as dumb and immature in the western society. It's sad to see those same thoughts perpetuated in the ummah, too.

My husband is 11 years older than I AND we are different races! I'm American and my husband is Arab. I think it all depend on the individuals involved in the marriage. Age doesn't necessarily come with wisdom. Allah can give wisdom to whom he pleases. A woman who's character is meek and shy may just meet the angel of death as the same meek and shy person she has always been. Of course, that is not to say that we don't learn and grow. But that is usually constant through out life.

I say, if the brother's request is halal and his own business. Although, I would suggest he really focus on deen and character since he is set on marrying so much younger. Inshallah, he will find a mature young woman and he and she can have patience with one another!

And sisters, how would you feel if this situation was flipped. An older Muslima only looking to marry a man considerably younger than herself?
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
onemuslimgirl
01/19/04 at 15:57:01
asalaam alakum,
he wants to marry someone who is doesnt have children, but yet, he himself has children? hmm....that worries me a tad bit more than what his age is.

tell the sister about him, and let her make istikhara and inshAllah may Allah do what is right for her. there are no yes or no answers to situations like this. it all depends on the individuals involved as well as the situation.

also, he thinks he should marry someone who is young so she can have kids for him while thinking someone older will not have kids. He should know that kids are a blessing from Allah and gives whom HE wishes kids regardless of age. There are women who are having kids for the first time at the mature age of 37,38 and yes, even 40 and the kids are coming out normal and healthy alhamdullah. and yes, there are 20 some year old women who are barren and unable to have kids at all....

he should rely on Allah.....
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
al-ajnabia
01/19/04 at 16:24:32
[slm]
Is it possible he is still to young to be married?
[wlm]
al-ajnabia :-)
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
Caraj
01/19/04 at 17:45:38
Sister  Ayaatee, I hope I did not offend you and I also don't mind that you disagree with me. Allah did not make us to all look and think a like.
However, if you have a chance would you please read my post again.
I did not say younger women were dumb and immature.
However if one surgeon had 5 years experience and another 20 which had the most experience?

I also said I have seen some marriages with such an age difference work and also not work.
Please also note I mentioned if he seeks this I would advise finding a very mature lady in her 20's. I have seen very immature 50 y/o's.
As to a 42 year old woman looking for a husband in his 20's?
I'm not saying there aren't wonderful 28 ish y/o bros who are mature and responsable but as the mother of a son soon to be 26 I can tell you a man barely 2 years older than my husband holds absolutely NO appeal for me.
But then again most 42 y/o woman don't have 24 and 26 y/o sons, friends in my age bracket have kids still in grammer school and middle high, some in high school.

I can't imagine a woman at 52 or 62 with menopause and bladder control issues and grey hair holding a 28 or 38 year old mans interest very long unless she were the exception. I'm sure there is always the the chance.

Oh and there are many 28 y/o's who have more life experience then 40 y/o's who lived a sheltered taken care of life. It all just depends Sis.
I meant no offence.
Truce    :-)   []   :-)

Kathy, if this man seeks this, there is nothing wrong with that if he chooses wisely and knows the barriers he may be up against and barriers that may or may not occur. Truly 2 individuals can make or break anything in life. I see no harm he wants kids or a younger wife, just tell him to choose wisely and think in advance what life hold in store for him and her 10 and 20 years down the road.
01/19/04 at 17:50:11
Caraj
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
SisterHania
01/19/04 at 18:17:33
[quote author=Kathy link=board=sis;num=1074523671;start=0#0 date=01/19/04 at 09:47:50] [slm]

Your opinion please.

A 42 year old man asked me to look for a woman in her twenties for marriage, as he wants children.

He has children, but 'lost' them to a non Muslim wife. [i](guys please take note!)[/i] He does not want a woman who has children.

I am not posting this as an ad.

He asked me if he was being unreasonable in this age difference.  I know what my answer was...

What would you say?[/quote]

No I don't think age matters, besides women mature faster than men :)

Despite this, I would still refuse this man. He has a lengthy list of requirements and none of them seem to focus on the exisitence of spirituality i.e. seeking a good, practising muslimah. His requirements all seem aesthetic based. (was that the problem with his first marriage?)

In a hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman.

How old is Shaykh Hamza Yusuf? Yikes despite the age difference  I know plenty of sisters on this board, who are in their twenties, that would dig a husband like him! He glows with eman and haya. MashAllah.
01/19/04 at 18:28:55
SisterHania
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
faith
01/19/04 at 20:09:32
[slm]

Well I say....

Why not marry a 30 something single career woman who can still bear children.... :D ;D  [evil laughter].....

That way he can help such a woman gain a family [hahaha] and solve our ummah's problem of unmarried sisters...   :D :D[ evil laughter again]...

But seriously, why would a sweet 20 something want to have anything to do with an old 40 something big belly guy, when a 20 something gal can have a healthy, strong young man, who has no children of his own, for a husband?

But a 30 something still single woman,....they're not too picky normally.... :D :D[evil laughter again]

Peace,

:-)





01/19/04 at 20:12:43
faith
Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
Ayaatee
01/19/04 at 21:01:19


wa salamu alykum, Azizah

 :) Oh no no, sister! No offence taking at all. My response was generally speaking from my over all experiences with Muslims when it comes to this subject! I do disagree with you but  ;), I wasn't at all shocked or upset by your opinion. It's yours and you're entitled to it!

And, may be it is just the area that I am in but in the last 5 years, I have seen an increasing amount of menopausal and post menopausal sisters (one sister 67) marrying brothers 15 - 20 years younger than them, Mashallah! Sisters, don't seem to place the same sort of negative connotations on older Muslimaat marrying younger as they do with Muslim men doing it. In fact, these sisters that I know were patted on the back and cheered on, which is great. I suspect that the same would not have happened for our brothers.

I find it fascinating, really. Again, this is the sort of double standards that are prevalent within the non Muslims' social structure, but it seems to have a foot or two over the muslim ummah as well.

Re: 14+ Year Age Difference
rkhan
02/06/04 at 02:47:43
[slm]

I know I'll probably get bashed on the head by all you sisters for this, but this used to be the kind of man I dreamed I'd marry. A mature, well-settled been-there, done-that kind of person (in my book being a dad and an ex-husband counted as a plus) who'd take me by the hand, teach me about the deen and generally treat me like a queen. Unfortunately as i grew up and saw more of life I realized that this isn't how things work out in real life. Older men usually come with a lot of baggage and while they may be more patient and kinder with younger wives, the opposite might be true as well

That's why I settled for (he'll kill me if he reads this) my (only) older-by5years, wet behind the ears husband who didn't know how to change a diaper until I taught him and slaps my back more often than kissing the ground I walk on.  But alhamdulillah I'm not complaining.

Then again, it isn't fair to generalize. My sis-in-law got the older guy (he's nearly 18 years older, never been married with kids tho) and she's the one getting the queenly treatment, the well-planned family breaks and well-thought out investments while we're scrounging (just joking).

It just differs from person to person depending on what a person's priorities are in life, tho I'd recommend a good, long think by either party and definitely pray istikhara with a sincere heart.
02/06/04 at 02:50:38
rkhan


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