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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Maryam |
| 01/19/04 at 15:13:18 |
[slm] *******I have my concern posted on other cafes as well. I thought to put it here as one adviser mentioned it's not a bad idea to get a guys's opinion. I"m just so frustrated, I just want to give up! I think any advice would help right now. So please, share your thoughts.******** I don't even know where to begin. Coming next week will be two months that we will have been married. Although it should seem like time has flown by, unfortunately I cannot say that. It has been a very tough two months. We are having problems. Although my husband would look at it only as challenges, I would call it a crisis. He can go on the next day like nothing happened, and what's done is done. But he doesn't realize what he says and how he treats me, really hurts me. It wouldn't hurt him to show a little care and take into concern what he is about to say and maybe refrain from using those words. I have also tried to let him know what things hurt me, but it doesn't seem that he even puts in the effort to remember that the next time he talks to me. I have changed so much since the months before the marriage, so that I could mold myself into the lifestyle that my husband prefers. But it only seems that I'm working at this and he doesn't want to take the steps to do certain things that would make me happy as well. I know that I can make this marriage last if only I keep quite about my feelings. Because the minute I open up about how he has hurt me, it becomes an issue about his self-respect. He feels that if I am moving around the house as I please and not the way he wants, then I am not giving him the respect that he "deserves". According to him I should naturally give him all my respect as he is the husband and keep quiet in the face of hardship. Then when I do keep quiet, he will start to pester me about what is bothering me. So, I feel like letting him know what the problem is, and he will get upset over why I feel this way and why I feel that way, instead of trying to understand the situation, he lets me know over and over again how something was my fault and how I should change myself. I feel so trapped that I don't know what to do. I have changed alot in the past months but I don't want anyone to take away my individuality, my personality. I think if my friends visited me, they would be terrified to see what darkness has come over my face. I feel as though I have entered the life of depression, I feel as though I am making changes here and there and still it isn't enough. It makes me feel very depressed that I am not accepted, even with my faults. And it hurts me to be told by him as every opportunity how I am doing certain things wrong. I don't want to give him all the blame, I believe I am not perfect. I probably didn't fit into his expectations and how he wants his wife to be. But I also don't believe that this is a healthy environment to bring any kids into this world. I don't feel that he is someone that I want to take care of, I just don't feel it's worth anything anymore. Wa'Salaam. |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| faisalsb |
| 01/19/04 at 15:57:42 |
| [slm] Well although it's a bit complicated situation but I think it's not too complicated to deal with. Basically when two people get married they have to deal with two type of dissimilarities. First and immediate type is personality, daily routines or habits. Second type is intellectual and religious dissimilarities. I think first type of problems, dissimilarities, contradictions in personality or what ever you call it are temporary and can easily be dealt with if both partners are reasonable at least to the minimum extent. For instance husband is sitting in a sofa and resting his feet on centre table while watching t.v. but when the wife do the same who is sitting next to him then the husband get offended and take it as voilation of code of ethics to respect husband. I think such type of problems are like bubbles in water which looks very big when they are there but after sometime we see nothing at all. So I'll advice be patient and let him realize from your behavior that it's OK if husband and wife are a little informal with each other. For instance when he is in good mood pass some funny comments what bothered you last time e.g. "You know when you yelled on me the other day I felt as if I was going to lose my job as a wife" or "I know I am not doing good job as a wife but I am not being paid well either for it". Second type of dissimilarities are kind of serious one and I think those are the one which are actuall reason of broken marriage. I think such things must be checked before getting married. Because such problems take time to come and same way take time to be solved or dealt with. I don't think I am the right person to talk about marriage but anyway I have already done with the hope that it might be helpfull. |
| Re: Problems in New Marriage |
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| Savaira |
| 01/19/04 at 14:05:57 |
| [slm] awww sis, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Its so hard, especially in the begining of marriage, to get used to each others moods. Trust me, I went through the same things. I had the the most horrible first year of marriage, you can't even imagine. It takes time to understand, and know how to tackle which mood. All I can say is..be patient. Which isn't really fair to say, because thats what women are always told to be, while men just don't want to change anything about themselves, but expect us to change every bit we can for thier convenience(I am not talking about ALL men, just the ones that are like this). But really, being patient helped me a lot. I don't know how I did it, but my husband is so great now, he understands me much more, it has been almost 7 years now. Its always hard in the begining. I think maybe men are so used to living the way they did before marriage that they have trouble adjusting thier lifestyle with someone else being with them all the time(thier wife). Just give him some time, and every so often try to explain everything that u have written here to him. Tel l him from time to time what things he said or did that you didn't like. He'll bound to get it some day ;). Also, if he is all normal, be normal with him. When he sees that you are putting things behind you and being normal for his sake, maybe he will pay more attention to your feelings. Thats what I used to do. Even thought it would kill me inside the way he talked to me somtimes. If he was normal later on, I would be too. I guess he finally realized. Now if I don't like something he says, i can tell him that, but I couldn't before because of the same reasons u can't. I don't know if i have been of any help. I am sure a lot of other people have much better and useful advice they will give here inshaAllah. And some men could give thier opinion too, that would be helpful. I pray to Allah things get better for you,hang in there. [wlm] |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Kathy |
| 01/20/04 at 10:18:21 |
| [wlm] Before I can comment I need more info: Are you a revert? How long did you know him before you were married? What kind of challenges...give an example. What kind of sentence will he say that hurts you? You mentioned you changed alot in the last months before you married. In what way? I was not clear about the " moving around the house" comment. What are ou doing that he feels you are not respecting him? What kind of changes does he want you to make? [quote] But I also don't believe that this is a healthy environment to bring any kids into this world. [/quote] This sentence is powerful, really telling... until you come to a conclusion are you using any form of birth control? |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Maryam |
| 01/20/04 at 12:28:29 |
| [slm] And thankyou everyone for your insights. To answer some of your questions Kathy, i will attempt it below in hopes that maybe i can get some feedback as to what i should do. i really dislike myself for saying this, but i feel hopeless. everyone, just please pray for a pleasant solution. ... I don't know what revert means. But to clarify I've was born into a muslim family and have been practicing as long as I can remember. ... I knew him as distant cousins about 4-5 months before he proposed to my parents for me. The marriage took place about 10 months after that. ... no, i am not using birth control as yet. Eventhough, i do believe in family planning, he does not. if he even found any pills in the house, God knows what might happen. not that i would hide that sort of thing from him. but to make him happy, i am not using any sort of contraceptive. but i don't believe i would like to stay married to him because i don't want to unwillingly bring a child in this world w/o solving our differences. it just wouldn't be a healthy environment. i hardly believe that he has even considered that thought. ... my husband and i both work full time and i do consider both of us hard-working, good people. but when you talk about personalities, that's where most things stop. i am a very laid back fun loving person, where he might consider himself laid back but at same time i think that he very judging of others. ... when I talk about challenges, these are problems to me. and it is so complicated, I don't know if I would be able to explain it well. But let me try. Firstly, he has a huge temper problem. And if you asked him, he would agree with you as well. If he even found out that I was on this board for advice or that I am a member, God knows only, what might happen. He thinks this is a waste of time and that talking to ppl on the internet corrupts you. I try explaining to him that not all ppl on the net are bad, some are actually here for a good reason. These are the kind of things that he says, and his tone is always very demanding and kind of like looking down on the ppl who do use it to talk to strangers. the internet thing is just an example of the pattern his behaviour follows. he believes that if he has told me something once, then I should naturally obey him because he is the husband and that he "deserves" respect. I don't believe that at all. I think that you have to earn respect by your actions or by your soft manner. but with him, it's like, if he's said something once, he's going to stick to it and you can not change it. there is no compromise. sometimes its so overwhelming, that I start to cry and I get a lump in my throat because i feel like that I can not do anything about it. But only ask Allah swt. unfortunately, i feel so helpless that I don't even know what to ask Allah swt. to be honest, I had indications of this behaviour before marriage, but maybe i was gullible, but i thought that you never really know a person 'till you live with them. and that this is just the nervousness i am getting before marriage. Now sadly, i see that i was wrong. ... sometimes the things he says to me hurt me. and it follows from the last paragraph, like he generalizes me to a group of pepole. that if i'm friends with someone that he doesn't see as likeable, then i must be not like them too, because i might start to become like them. he says things that put me down and the people that I interact with. this hurts because you feel like you've been doing wrong all your life. my parents raised me to stay true to my beliefs no matter what others do. so i'm not going to let someone change me. i can be nice to them as we should be in our manner with everyone, and i can talk to them, but that doesn't mean that i am going to be like them. he doesn't seem to understand that. ... the other day we started to discuss something and as most people don't see eye to eye on all things, we did not either on that subject. well, in the end, i said, that's fine you win, in a joking manner and started to walk away. he literally took it so offensive, that he then started to talk to me about how i should not walk away when talking to my husband and that i need to stay there and that i did that wrong by not giving him the respect that he should get. unfortunately that was not my intent at all. i simply wanted to just end the topic in a light joking way so he wouldn't take our difference in opinion so personal. but unfortunately he did, i realized that he basically wanted me to stand there and listen to his side until i do agree with him. that was what the real problem was, he can't let things be the way they are. he was really loud and really using such a tone with me that not even my father has ever used with me. i stood there, listened to him and agreed with him how i am wrong. then i cried the whole night through in bed. this is not how i imagined married life. i wanted it to be with someone i can call a friend, where we don't have to be so formal with each other and watch each other's moves so closely as to what might be offensive next. ... i have changed alot in the last couple of months. i think i already started to go towards depression a couple of months before marriage. not because i was moving away from home, that was another bitter sweet feeling at the time. i really felt sad that when i did notice these patterns i told my mother and i told my husband's sister and how i am not happy with this. unfortunately, they don't see that side of him, the angry side, the demanding side, my mother sees him only as a good person who used pray in front of them. and his sister sees him as a brother who is who he is. and when i told them about how i felt because of what i saw, i was told that i don't judge people correctly. i don't think that my parents raised me to judge anyone incorrectly. i even gave this man a chance and he has turned out to be someone that i don't consider my friend. and i am not someone who judges people. Only Allah knows best. i felt disappointed with myself that i didn't do anything else from stopping this. and i felt and still feel angry with other that when i did do something, they told me otherwise. infact, i find myself angry at myself at times for letting myself be talked into people's perception about him and getting married to him. i used to be a very friendly, vibrant personality who just wanted to do the best in anything i put my mind to. unfortunately i don't seem to have the same mindset for my marriage. there are times i've asked Allah swt to have his mercy upon us both, but at the same time i want out. for the sake of what the future might bring. i do work full time, but i find myself trying to avoid the people that i work with on a day to day basis. i do not talk to my friends as much as i'd like to anymore, he thinks i should talk to people so much. believe me i am not doing anything wrong. I come to work covered everyday and i am not trying to flaunt myself, it's just in my nature to be friendly and nice. i am afraid that if i went to lunch with one of my girlfriends he might have not liked it. people are telling me they want to have us over for dinners or get togethers so they can see the new couple together, unfortunately i'm not so sure i want to be seen with him. people are telling me that he is a lucky guy to have married me but i don't feel so lucky. One day we went to a friends place for get together. she is newly wed as well and it was just us friends. he did not say anything besides the greetings when we entered and left the house. i was so hurt that he didn't want to take the time to get to know them or even just to be nice to them for my sake. my friend kept asking me if he is always this quiet, i know better. you see when this kind of this happens, and it has happened more than once, it makes me not want be around his friends and treat them as he probably wants me to treat them. but i keep quiet, because i don't want to become like him. ... are these feelings wrong, should i be giving it more time. why is it that when you talk about a muslim brother and how a marriage isn't working out, they always ask if he is beating you. no, he is not beating me, and he is not a bad person but maybe i'm not the wife for him. there is definitely a clash between two people here. why does it have to get as far as physical abuse before you realize that things are not right. i want to know what the Quran says about this, is there any hadith that can guide me on how much i should bear before i speak out. because when i do speak out, i know i will have made up my mind not to stay with him. i don't want to face Allah swt for ruining anymore lives. ... i do thank all who have taken time to read this very long message. but this is only part of what i go through on almost a daily basis now. i ask whoever has taken the time to read this to please pray for the both of us, that if Allah has meant us to be together, then please Allah swt have mercy upon us both, give me the strength to live with this and give him the strength to control his temper. let us both mold to please each other, not just the wife to please the husband. and if there is another chapter planned in my life, to please let it be sooner than later. [wlm] |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| timbuktu |
| 01/20/04 at 13:20:08 |
| [slm] sister Maryam it is awful, and i won't give any advice, i will just speak of two males 1.) the first is me. i know myself very well, a full 58 years. i have been a selfish person (uncaring and unknowing of other people's emotions and needs, particularly my wife's), and looking for my requirements to be met; and sometimes, but only sometimes, saying hurtful things. but my wife bore with my attitude, and gradually i realised that i wasn't a good person, so i tried to be less hurtful, and to give her some thing as a compensation. i must say i wanted a friend too, and i wanted a carefree friend ready to go out with me without having to dress up and make elaborate preparations for an outing. i had to give in there. plus i wasn't fussy about how the house looked, or that she should treat me with respect. sometimes i have complained but only when she has ridiculed me. so now she has the children attached to her, rather than me, although initially they loved me more. she has the house in her name, and the bank balance. and i find myself dragging myself to wherever she wants to take me. (i don't drive anymore) i won't say i have become less selfish. it is just that her patience has delivered the family to her. 2.) a colleague was very fastidious, very demanding in housework, very bossy, and violent as well. The first of his marriages ended in his wife's death, the second did not last long, and the third is continuing because the wife gave him in kind what he gave to her. what i conclude is that adjustments are needed, and that the male of the species is rather more selfish to start with, but mellows down with time, and the female can have her sweet revenge when he is weak and feeble :) until that time the wife has to make more of an adjustment, but she can look weak and vulnerable and in need of care and help, and the husband may fall for it. I did :) may Allah (swt) make your husband see and adjust to your needs, and may both of you live very happy, contended and long lives together as husband and wife. aameen |
| 01/20/04 at 13:26:15 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| faisalsb |
| 01/20/04 at 14:06:52 |
| [slm] Well Sister Maryam what I am going to say might hurt or offend you but this is what I feel or understand after reading your long posts. I don't know your real situation and we can only try to understand from what you have written in your posts. I personally think you are exaggerating your situation and things are not that bad how you think they are. I think there is no need to make up your case as President Bush made for Iraq. It's your basic right if you want to live with him go ahead and deal with the situation. If you don't like him or hate his company then again it's your right to get divorce. But just keep yourself in his place as you think you are brought up correctly and you are perfect and you don't need to change or improve then that might be the case for him also. May Allah bless both of you and guide to the right path .... Ameen |
| 01/20/04 at 14:07:36 |
| faisalsb |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Maryam |
| 01/20/04 at 14:36:01 |
| [slm] And once again thankyou all for your suggestions. Let me start by saying, that i am not offended. i understand nobody is physically here to see the situation besides me and my husband. and i also understand that to fully grasp what's going on, you actually have to live in those circumstances. i only treat others as i want to be treated. i do not wish that for anyone's daughter or sister. i just want to say that this is not an exaggeration. i would have gone to our local imam for advice but i am only afraid of the consequences if my husband found out that i spoke of our problems with anyone else. but i need to stay sane too. so who do i talk to? i came here because this can be anonymous and hopefully i can get some sound advice at the same time. i have been coming to jannah site for long time before i decided to become a member. that was at a time when i needed help and i need help again. may it be through advice only, but every bit counts. as i have said above at times, i am not perfect either. but i am the one who is trying at least to fit that perception of perfect that my spouse is accustomed to. but there are some common sense things that are the right of every human being, be it woman, man, no matter what their religion, race, or nationality be. [wlm] |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Savaira |
| 01/20/04 at 15:17:57 |
| [slm] Wow sis, trust me when I say I know what you are going through. I had exactly the same problems, even with the internet situation you said, my husband felt the same thing. He also had that "respect" problem. If I would ever get frustrated and even pitched my voice a little harsher, he would just go off and say such hurtful things. He even said my parents didn't teach me manners and raised me right. So many nights I spent crying and feeling so hopeless and lonely. I used to be such a happy-go-lucky person. After I got married I just changed completely and I hated it. I don't think you are exxagerating at all. I went through exactly the same things, and marriage did not seem like what I had imagined at all, and that just depressed me more and more. He had such a bad temper, I would never know when to say what to him. Sometimes I would be joking and he would just go off on me saying I had been disrespectful. In the begining I did not know what to do, and I had no one to turn to, bcuz my whole family moved back to US after I got married, I had no one. I missed everyone so much and cried almost every night. For some reason, I just had to make it work, so I just changed myself completely. I became what he wanted me to become, even though sometimes I would be respectful and he would think I am trying to taunt him or something. Gosh it was so hard, but I did it :) Now, after almost 7 years and 2 annoyingly wonderful kids :), my husband is my best friend. He tells me EVERYTHING, shares all his problems with me, hardly ever gets angry, is A LOT more caring for my feelings. Yes, sometimes if he gets really angry, he does start the same way again, but I don't have to be quiet and listen anymore, I say what I think is wrong too. I can also tell him to calm down and that he doesnt have to be so loud. If I would have done this before, i would have just gotten him even more angry, but now he understands me more, and may not admit, but he knows when he is wrong and I am right :), all you have to do is love him to death, and he will see, that you are his LIFE partner and that you 2 will share EVERYTHING together now. I think husbands like being spoiled, I spoil my husband a lot. So much that he went away for 2 weeks to visit his family, and he came back a week early because he couldn't bare being away from me :) He is so used to me and my spoiling him and listening to EVERYTHING he has on his mind, he felt lost without me :) Just spoil him and love him a lot, no matter how much he is being hurtful, trust me, it will be worth it, he will realize it. I pray that Allah makes things easier for you, and makes your husband realize what kind of a person you really are, Ameen. [wlm] |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 01/20/04 at 20:33:37 |
| sr. Maryam, I think you should make istikhara whether you should continue with this relationship or not. Then go see an Imam. I am sorry to the brother who said that she is making a big deal of this when it really isnt. IT is a big deal. I am sorry, but I am sooooo sick and tired of men thinking they can do whatever they feel like it and the women have to put up with it. this goes for both Muslim men and non-Muslim men. GROW UP! she is being destroyed emotionally and you tell her that she is making a big deal of it? she has rights Islamically, and that means he needs to treat her right. The Prophet (saws) in his last speech to the Umah, told them to take care of their wives and families. Go speak with your Imam and have him have the next khutba about men treating women right. but i know ur husbands type, he will probably think the Imam is talking about the 'other' guy, and not himself. but its worth a shot. and please please please DONT bring children into this kind of relationship. i have seen what it does to children. |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| SisterHania |
| 01/21/04 at 05:11:39 |
| [quote]and please please please DONT bring children into this kind of relationship. i have seen what it does to children. [/quote] I totally agree with sis onemuslimgirl. I got married in December and like you I have been facing a struggle with my husband. He is not as religious and focused as I had hoped and because of this I feel very alone in my beliefs. My parents have been telling me that it is up to me to change my husband's behaviour (even though they chose the groom). Right now I don't even feel comfortable thinking about children with this man because of his lack of religious and moral principles and what if he never changes? Once you get married with hundreds of your family wishing you well and attending the wedding, your parents paying so much for the wedding in terms of money, time and effort, 'a simple divorce' is really hard to consider. It doesn't feel like only two people are involved in the marriage, but the other hundred also. |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Nomi |
| 01/21/04 at 05:41:42 |
| [slm] No one is perfect, all of us have our problems and shortcomings. I strongly agree with bro timbuktu not only coz he is talking from experience but also due to the fact that i myself can quote a dozen same kind of examples off the cuff. Hitting is considered as an extreme case and undoubtably it is extreme and sorry but if some (not all but a few) ppl having way too liberal method were around that lady, they would have told her to consider divorce!! Allahu Alim. Its quite interesting to see how easily we start thinking on these lines, why are you so sure that your next life partner (2 both genders) will be perfect ?? Do some compromise, two months are nothing as compared to life. Not having children is A okay in such circumstances but please dont be idealistic (general comment not targetted at anyone) and time will change and correct things, maybe an year if not 2. Seen that many a times. I dont think that any of the presented scenarios are of extreme nature, not something that would atleast make me think of something as extreme as divorce! Its just a difference of opinion and not a "shooting down someone" post. Just few comments from your brother in deen. [slm] |
| 01/21/04 at 10:54:34 |
| Nomi |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| faisalsb |
| 01/21/04 at 08:47:48 |
| [slm] [quote]i just want to say that this is not an exaggeration. i would have gone to our local imam for advice but i am only afraid of the consequences if my husband found out that i spoke of our problems with anyone else. but i need to stay sane too. so who do i talk to? i came here because this can be anonymous and hopefully i can get some sound advice at the same time. i have been coming to jannah site for long time before i decided to become a member. that was at a time when i needed help and i need help again. may it be through advice only, but every bit counts.[/quote] Well sister it's really honour for all of us that you trusted us and came here to share your feelings with us. We also know you did so while jeopardizing your marital life. As I said earlier it's very difficult to understand your situation exactly except from the facts what you tell us. I personally feel and know from my experience that usually in such situations prime and actual thing is something else what both partners might not be willing to talk about openly. So what usually they talk about is reflection of actual problem which is offcourse quite complex and difficult understand. I would like to ask you few question if you don't mind to answer then I think we might be able to advise you in better way. 1) Do you live in joint family system? If yes does he expect you to serve his family also apart from himself? 2) Who makes breakfast in morning? If it ever happen that you husband went to office without having breakfast? If yes then how often it happens? 3) What about the rest of the meals like lunch and dinner who cooks and how do you manage it? 4) Who does cleaning and laudry? I mean cleaning of house, toilet, washing dishes etc 5) Who is back home earlier from work you or your husband? (As you said both of you work) 6) How much time do you spend on internet daily? 7) Does your husband do his personal things himself or expect you to do e.g. ironing his clothes, polishing his shoes etc 8 ) As I can understand both of you often have disagreement while having discussion. What is the point what both of you can't agree upon? 9) At last but not least I'll repeat the sister's Kathy's question what are the exact things what he wants you to change? Well I know those questions are kind a personal in nature and you are not obliged to answer them in any way but I think if you do then we might be able to help you in better way .... Inshallah .... |
| 01/21/04 at 08:50:22 |
| faisalsb |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| SisterHania |
| 01/21/04 at 09:36:08 |
| [quote author=Quantum Leap link=board=sis;num=1074551323;start=10#11 date=01/21/04 at 05:41:42][/quote] Nomi what is your name on your birth certificate? [quote] My next door neighbours are from karachi and lived happily for 10 years without any fighting etc (not that i know of). Few months back he hit her and she went back home. That guy respects my grandfather very much and listens to his advice, so when "nana g" gave him an earful he felt bad, said sorry to the lady and are living happily again.[/quote] This is one embarrasing feature about marital problems in certain cultures, somehow the problem is never contained between the two people it concerns or the people they choose to share it with, somehow the news of the problem spreads to strangers. Thats why some people choose to suffer in silence and hold on to a broken marriage in order to avoid the publicity and comments from others :( [quote] Not having children is A okay in such circumstances but please dont be idealistic (general comment not targetted at anyone) and time will change and correct things, maybe an year if not 2. Seen that many a times. [/quote] I think the majority of women dream of having children because it is the most natural phenomenon for them. Heck I've been planning my kids names since I was 10! But the thought of having children with a man who does not practise Islam to the best of his ability is worrying. I always felt a father was more dominant and had more control in instilling discipline in the children. If that moral high ground does not exisit in the father figure than the thought of how the children will grow up, is deeply disturbing. Secondly if two parents are always at war with each other, is this the right enviornment that a child should be bought into? ??? |
| 01/21/04 at 09:37:22 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/21/04 at 11:00:49 |
| Dear Sister, your husband needs major HELP! Please have someone talk to him. Talk to his parents or his siblings, or the imam of the mosque, or if he has a some really close friends. Tell him exactly what you just told us but in a calm and diplomatic manner. and yes, i totally agree, hold off on having kids until he works out these issues he has. He needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him, and it is NOT your fault everytime something happens thats not the way he wants it. If he wants respect, than he needs to learn what is and what is not respecting him. You yelling at him is disrespect, you throwing things is disrespect, you being yourself and having your own identity is NOT disrespect. I have a feeling he has alot of baggage, whether it be cultural, or from his parents own marriage. he needs to find help. |
| We have forgotten the Quran, and so We are LOST! |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/21/04 at 11:04:25 |
| Wallaahil adhiim, those who accuse sister Maryam of 'making a big deal of things' have NO KNOWLEDGE WHATSOEVER about Islaam, or is DELIBERATELY trying to deny the sisters their FULL RIGHTS that was given to them by none other than ALLAAH! For those who are reading this, you are probably thinking that I am a female myself. But nay, by the Lord in whose HANDS my soul lies, I am a male who UNDERSTANDS the Quran and HIS prophet's (PBUH) sunnah. Sister Maryam, I am but a young man who has yet to be married, but Wallaah, if I had the means, I would certainly (by the will of Allaah SWT) treat my wife ACCORDINGLY. It's easy, but people make it hard. Indeed, Allaah made the Quran and the sunnah SUCH AN EASY AND BEAUTIFUL thing to grasp, yet ONLY A FEW PEOPLE WILL TAKE IT! Allaah says in suuratul Qamar: "And verily! We have made the quran EASY to remember, but WHO WILL TAKE IT?" He (SWT) repeats this aayah THREE TIMES at least in this saie suurah. Your husband is committing the SAME MISTAKE AS ALMOST EVERY MUSLIM ON EARHT! He has failed to incorporate Islam into his life COMPLETELY! Wallaah! If he TRULY followed the sunnah, he would have treated you with HONOUR! As you said, you're not perfect sister, but neither am I, and neither is ANYONE! There will ALWAYS be something that you will dislike about someone. Although Allaah advises BOTH parties to be patient, Allaah did indeed sent down an ayaah from the Quran (as a result to impatient husbands towards their spouses": "and treat them kindly; then if you hate them (ie. your wives), it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in them." (4:19) This is a CLEAR order to be truly patient to our wives. Although one sister adivsed you to remain patient until your husband becomes 'closer to you' and becomes 'more of a friend,' that MAY work, but he (as well as you) STILL have to accept the Quran AS WELL AS THE SUNNAH to not only be part of your life, but for them (Quran and sunnah) TO BE your whole life. Islaam is a beautiful WAY OF LIFE (not just a one-day religion like many other faiths). The unfortunate fact is that WE HAVE MADE IT a one-day faith. If we're Pakistani, Arab, African, Indian, etc..., we have (unfortunately) PLACED CULTURAL VALUES BEFORE OUR ISLAMIC CREED! We have TAILORED Islaam, cut it into bits and pieces, and then incorporated SOME of the pieces into our culture while we trashed the remaining pieces. THAT IS TOTALLY WRONG! We must TAILOR OUR CULTURE SO THAT IT FITS ISLAAM, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! Islam (ie. The Quran and Sunnah) is a BLESSING from Almighty Allaah! I ask ALL OF YOU: HOW can a religion that tells us HOW TO COMB OUR HAIR and tells us WHICH SHOE TO PLACE ON YOUR FOOT FIRST and how to DRESS.... how can such a religion (which is SO WELL DEFINED) FORGET ABOUT TELLING US HOW TO TREAT OUR WIVES PROPERLY? ALLAAHU AKBAR! But Allaah and His prophet are indeed FREE of blame! They have told us EVERYTHING and they have guided us how to do EVERYTHING the correct way, but it is WE who have chosen to value our culture (which has MANY FILTHY PRACTISES) MUCH MORE than Islam! Sister Maryam, there are PLENTY of ahaadeeth that point out to your husbands faults. He is CLEARLY transgressing his bounds, and he should repent as soon as possible, and may Allaah guide him, and Allaah knows best. I would advise you to go to an imaam WHO IS UNDERSTANDING, and who has knowledge about marital relations in Islaam (ie. in the prophet's sunnah). He (or someone else) should REALLY come and speak to your husband and tell him to stop being so hostile. If your husband refuses, then it is YOUR RIGHT to ask for divorce. One last note to make inshaa Allaah: TRUE LOVE CAN ONLY COME BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO COME TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAAH! Now what does this mean? It means that: two people's love for each other because one is funny, or beautiful, or rich, or has status... THAT LOVE WILL ALWAYS END! EVEN IF you are infatuated with someone's personality, that infatuation will come to a swift end before you know it. Unless that person's character is TOTALLY ISLAMIC, and that person (as well as you) does EVERYTHING for the sake of Allaah, THEN AND ONLY THEN can you feel TRUE LOVE for that person. A husband who does EVERYTHING for the sake of Allaah SWT will obey Allaah and his prophet, and thus he will NATURALLY and AUTOMATICALLY RESPECT AND LOVE his wife and treat her like his QUEEN simply because Allaah and his prophet ordered him to do so! The same applies for the pious sister, who loves Allaah and His prophet. She will do EVERYTHING for the sake of Allaah SWT and thus she will AUTOMATICALLY and NATURALLY respect her husband. Someone who has a short temper CANNOT BE LOVABLE, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY! The prophet SAW REPEATED WARNED about how BAD OF A TRAIT IT WAS, being in a constant state of anger, or being angered VERY QUICKLY. Please keep that in mind: do EVERYTHING FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAAH SWT, and live your life by FULLY enjoying your rights. You have EVERY RIGHT to ask your husband to follow the Quran AND the sunnah to COMPLETENESS, and if he refuses, you have EVERY RIGHT to leave him. May Allaah make things easier for you inshaa Allaah, and may Allaah save YOU and ALL of us from such a terrible fitnah (test). Know that Allaah is testing you, so please handle this situation accordingly. Keep up the patience and consult an imaam or a religious scholar AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Aqoolu qawli hadhaa, wa astaghfirullaahi lii wa lakum. Was-salaamu aleykum |
| Re: We have forgotten the Quran, and so We are LOS |
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| Nomi |
| 01/21/04 at 11:23:57 |
| [slm] MashaAllah, gr8 post bro [quote author=Anonymous link=board=sis;num=1074551323;start=10#15 date=01/21/04 at 11:04:25]Sister Maryam, I am but a young man who has yet to be married, but Wallaah, if I had the means, I would certainly (by the will of Allaah SWT) treat my wife ACCORDINGLY. It's easy, but people make it hard. [/quote] Thats what i've claimed infront of few of my family (extended) members. You can count on me. [quote author=Hania link=board=sis;num=1074551323;start=10#13 date=01/21/04 at 09:36:08] Nomi what is your name on your birth certificate? [/quote] Thats kinda long so i go by easier ones... "Mirza Asim Zafar Baig" .... You can add "mughal" to it too... "mongol" even, i wont mind :) About the second part of your post... if you are unhappy about me revealing their personal life i'll make that post members only. About the third part of your post... Aren't we on the same side ? Seriously, will make special duas for you inshaAllah. May Allah make it easy for you. How about going on Umrah with him soon and using that angelic environment to do dawah to him. It works, it worked for a friend of mine. [slm] |
| Re: We have forgotten the Quran, and so We are LOS |
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| SisterHania |
| 01/21/04 at 11:44:59 |
| [quote author=Quantum Leap link=board=sis;num=1074551323;start=10#16 date=01/21/04 at 11:23:57][slm] Thats kinda long so i go by easier ones... "Mirza Asim Zafar Baig" .... You can add "mughal" to it too... "mongol" even, i wont mind :) About the second part of your post... if you are unhappy about me revealing their personal life i'll make that post members only. [/quote] No not having a personal dig at you Br Mirza Asim Zafar Baig Nomi Skunk Quantum Leap. :) Just speaking generally about certain cultures/family, esp my own. Since I got married even though my husband misses so many prayers and mixes with the wrong company I don't feel I am allowed to air my grievence or my 100 family + friends start to gossip and point fingers :( |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Maryam |
| 01/21/04 at 16:06:38 |
| [slm] everyone and thanks again for your care. I know that most posts here are usually about marriage and this sort of thing can even get redundent, so i wanted to thankyou for taking the time to read and give advice on this matter. Asking the Imam to have a khutba on Marriage is a great idea onemuslimgirl. but like you said, he's the type who going to think that the Imam is talking about the "other" guy. He won't even realize that "oh, could this be me?" i have tried one time to suggest something in this manner. like relating an issue to something i read in an article. he'll never realize that this issue would have anything to do with him. QuantumLeap, you suggest not having children until our differences are sorted out or at least we can live with them. but you also mentioned earlier that i should give it more time and that it's only been two months. to some extent i agree with you, but let me also clarify what the reason is why i am considering divorce. as i said earlier, i do not want to bring a child into this environment, but at the same time my husband does not believe in contraceptives for family planning purposes. So, to avoid mistakenly brining a child into this situation, i really don't see any other way. And honestly, we have had our share of discussions over family planning. there's no point. In a way, i don't have this TIME to give him. who knows what could happen at what time. As for doing an Istikhara, i only pray that i have the strength to handle what i may see or feel during an Istikhara. it's not that i'm afraid to have failed at marriage, but it's what sister Hania said. After your parents spend so much at the wedding and all the guests are there, it's trying to find the courage to deal with all those people. it's having to listen to things like, "oh, so i suppose she was hiding her frustration behind that smile on the wedding day." and things like, "wonder why she didn't think about this before, and now look at the shame she has put on the family." when i think of this, it makes me think even though i can hadle these comments for myself, but i cannot have anyone saying anything about my family. family has always been the most important thing to me beyond any other blessings... i cannot see them getting hurt especially on the count of me. Tell me, why is it that as girls we are told to change and mold ourselves. how much are men really told about this sort of thing, like say, "son you will have to adjust to your wife's needs when you get married." and why is it desirable to marry a younger woman, not because of the perception that she will be more suitable to bare children but because she will be young enough where you can change her ideas and feelings and mold her to be what you want. I admire the patience Savaira had for her husband and eventually he cared for her feelings, i wish it was the same for us. but, being the kind of person that my husband is, he would sooner point at another person for doing the same bad things which are bad with him than realize to look at himself first. i don't know but i don't think that this pattern is of someone who could be accepting of their own faults and trying to correct them. only Allah swt knows best. i only pray that i can recognize more of my wrong doings to try and correct them and hopefully have a pleasant life. ...with your advices and concerns i believe i can open up a little bit more with all of you. i understand that he believes that what he is doing is right, and i believe that what i am doing is right as well. but the problem is he never had any proper guidance. unfortunately for him, his mother passed when he was five. dad remarried and the new mom didn't accept the children. he was with one family to the next for most of his up-bringing. he developed some sort of a self taught philosophy about life and is living with it to this day. with all that has happened to him, you would think that he would change things. ... earlier in his life, he married a sweetheart of his at a very very young age. that marriage ended in divorce. i tried many times to ask him about it before we were married as to get some insight to what really happened. but to this day, 17 months after when he came to visit our family, i don't belive he has ever told me the complete situation. i tried to ask him in ways that wouldn't hurt his feelings and to be honest, most of the time, it was him who brought up that subject. maybe it was me being young and naive not to ask more about that situation, but when my family said, don't look at someone's past for what the future might hold, i put that concern on the side too. i said to myself, it is not right for me to refuse a proposal because of has happened in the past. this is because i thought he might have learned something and realized that some of it had to have been his fault too. sadly, i don't think he sees it that way. Bro Faisal, i would like to answer some of your questions but not now. i am exhausted. not physically but mentally, i'm tired. maybe tomorrow if i have time, i will stop by the board and post another message. for all others who have given their suggestions, thankyou again. you should know that i am not one to seek sympathy from a fello human being. i believe that Allah swt can only grant His mercy upon us that no other human can do. i am only trying to find solutions or suggestions as to how can i make this work or not work or what more realisticly, what i should do. thanks to the anonymous for the hadiths as well, please all plray for a pleasant solution. [wlm] |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/23/04 at 00:42:05 |
| slm, Sr. Maryam, is it possible to take some time off away from him. Stay with your parents, siblings, friend or someone else for a week or however long you need. You need to give yourself some space to be yourself and think. Your absence might even make him think and appreciate you more. I definately think you should make lots of istikahra about your situation. You shouldn't feel afraid of the results. If you seek Allah's guidance then have full trust that Allah will ordain what is best for you in this life and the hereafter. Trust in Allah is the key. I think some of the comments made by some brothers here have been quite insensitive. |
| Re: Advice needed for new marriage |
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| nida |
| 02/04/04 at 20:13:01 |
| [slm] all i can say sister, is make Duaa to Allah(swt) to make things better for you. Trust me, if you ask Allah from the bottom of your heart, he won't turn away your request. in one of the hadiths the Prophet(pbuh) said: 'O son ! I shall inform you of a few things: Remember Allah, and He will protect you. Remember Allah, and you will find Him close to you. When you have to ask for something, ask of Allah Ta'ala. When you require aid, seek His aid. Believe firmly that if all the creation desires to benefit you in anything, they can never benefit you, but, that which Allah has decreed for you. If they ALL unite to harm you, they will not be able to harm you in anything, but that which Allah has decreed for you." (Tirmizi) I truly hope everything gets better for you. :-* Allah knows best. [wlm] :-) |
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