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| Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/21/04 at 11:13:02 |
| Assalamu alaykum everyone, Firstly, Im sorry about posting another marriage-related problem, but I really dont feel that I have anyone 'older' and 'wiser' that I could turn to for good advice or just to lend an ear. Ok, basically my parents choice of spouse is not sitting well with my ideas. Its not that im being so rigid and picky, but fact of the matter is, whenever I make a point which I feel is important, my parents say that decent guys are hard to find and that I am being narrow minded and stubborn. Im now in my early twenties (recently turned 23), and I am not yet married (or engaged or in process of marriage) which really worries my parents. I guess one of their biggest fear is that I will not get married - every parent would want to see their child settled and secure before they meet their rubb, right? I dont want to be a burden on them, or hurt them or place any more anxiety for them, and I dont want to end up in my 30-40s a spinster, people who are pointed out to me in my community who are. I just dont want to end up marrying a person just because they think that he is "decent" enough - and I probably wont get any other proposals any time soon (i'll explain why in a sec). Im beginning to think of just saying yes to stop my parents continuous "talks" with me. My parents continue to look for guys "back home", and who dont speak English. There is this one person, who I met in Pakistan, and although he has a beautiful personality, is good looking according to my mum (not really my cup of tea, but hey), decent family, when I asked him about what he thought about Islam, he didnt seem all that interested (think he was being polite, i dont know) im guessing (the average "Jum'ah muslim"). He didnt seem like a bad Muslim, just not aware, i guess? The family are good people, but just what could be described as typical indo-pak types, but not into deen. Im not saying that Im the perfect muslimah, and may Allah forgive me for the bad muslimah that i am. Im not looking for the perfect practising muslim, but someone who has some, I guess passion some zeal for faith. Someone I could learn and improve together. But speaking to his sister and sister-in-law for example, I found out that his sister-in-law used to wear hijab, but after getting married, stopped wearing one :\ Im worried what impact things like this would have if i married him. My parents said that people always change after marriage, and I dont have to compromise my faith to fit their family as i wouldnt live with his family, but i dont want to go into something where there is such a risk. I like to play it safe. I made salat al istikarah a number of times and still felt no different. Im not sure at all what to do. My parents say to just trust them, leave it in their hands and everything will turn out in the end, but deep in my heart I dont feel that it would? Another point which my parents disagree on are issues of compatibility and language. I speak English majority of the time, and I cant communicate properly my thoughts, opinions, ideas and things in my mother tongue. I have a hard enough time trying to express myself in English, let alone another language, and cant really relax when speaking it. I dream and think in English, and i have never dreamt of marrying someone whom id have to stop speaking freely to. This is a really a point which i hold firm to my heart, and something which I dont want to "compromise" on - and I dont think that I should have to. What happened to tying your camel, and trusting Allah? Im told that Im being stubborn by putting emphasis on this, and that there arent any decent guys around where we live. Am I being narrow minded and selfish? So basically my choice is to be unhappy (ie disagreeing and going againt my parents wishes for me) or to make the most of what you have - and be grateful that I have received a proposal, and make do. Im just thinking of saying yes to that guy from "back home" to keep everyone off my case, and be done with it? I said no, but am I making a mistake? Fact of the matter is, Im not very well "known" in the marriage circuits where I live, and no-one really knows the muslimah who stays quietly at home. We dont have much family here, and no "aunty" connections. I have a lot of responsibilities at home, and am still studying, so dont attend the masjid regularly (though Id like to), so spend much of my time in the house, and attending halaqahs when possible. Im also the type of person who makes friends more slowly, which makes any "connections" or meeting people so much more harder. Btw, its not that im immoral, unislamic, uneducated, or ugly or from a bad family, etc, just qadr-Allah. It isnt likely (Allahu alam) that I'll receive any proposals that I could be happy with and my parents, because I havent even received proposals from the situation (from anyone in my community) im in up till now - except two when I was about 19, i remember when I went on a group umrah, and two 'brothers' who went as well contacted my dad after coming back. (ie air-time to put it bluntly). Anyways, I need good muslims to make du'a for me ;) I have been having this problem for a long time, and whenever I want to put in my perspective of what I wish to have, I end up thinking that I needn't have bothered because my perspective wont count - im too young and naive and inexperienced in life to wish to have such wants. I know that this isnt the case, but saying "no" to my parents is basically I feel going against them, and hurting them, which is very unislamic - they are pretty disappointed and tired with me for being so insistant on the points I made above. They arent forcing me, but I have SO much pressure just to say yes to that one guy. Having said no, I feel like rubbish, having disappointed my parents. I know that this probably all sounds really messed up and confused - this is what my head feels like at the moment. But I hope that someone was able to understand my ramblings, is able to offer some advice and just lent an ear, if anything. Maybe I am being stubborn by insisting on somethings (like language), but I want something to look forward to. wassalamu alaykum warahmatullah Messed-up Muslimah |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| theOriginal |
| 01/21/04 at 11:48:27 |
| [slm] 23 is not old. I'm not saying that to convince you, but rather because I'm convinced. See, I'm going to be 22 in (oh no) a few days, and trust me...that whole marriage thing you talked about is knocking on my door, too. Once again, I'm not proficient in my mother tongue either (we have witnesses to that on this board), and neither am I known in the marriage circles, because of my own discrete reasons. So, I can relate. You said it yourself...tie up your camel and trust Allah. Where you tie your camel, is a different story. The language thing is not such a big deal, insha Allah. I mean I know sisters who have married out of their ethnic group, and have learned their husband's language within a year or so. So realistically, that can't be what's bothering you. Looks -- I mean whatever...I'm not going to comment. The Islamic thing -- that's where the problem (should) lies. Marriages are not successful on the sole energy of the woman. (That's my epiphany for the day)....Marriages CAN be successful on the sole energy of the man, but obviously that's not optimal. Do istikhara again...make lotttttttttssssssss of duaa...and there's nothing wrong with taking time to think about it. Insha Allah there's an amazing person in store for you. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| SisterHania |
| 01/21/04 at 12:11:58 |
| [slm] Yes the tying the camel and sabr bit are very important. If you love and trust in Allah then take it easy and be calm. He will only give you what is best for you :) Okay my worries: He can't speak English, so when he comes over to the English speaking country what does he plan to do, how does he think he will find a job? Are your family prepared to support him until that time? He is not religious. From my own situation I have heard the 'he will change' scenario many times. If he is not religious and you cannot see any Nur in his heart then will he change? If I could go through my 'selecting the groom' process again I would bypass all the men who were not religious. Even if it meant hurting my family, in the long run it will create more hurt and heartache if you marry the wrong person and have to go through a divorce. If you reject this man that your parents have found then you have to be pro-active in finding a better alternative and proove to your parents that you are independant and can support yourself financially and do not have to accept any husband that is available. Get your qualifications, a job and proove you have status to find a good match. In the meantime ask friends, start going to the mosque and gain contacts so you can find someone good for you and your deen. [wlm] |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Orange_Tree |
| 01/21/04 at 13:56:27 |
| [slm] dear sister. please believe me when i say that ur not alone in this scenario. I'm the same age as you and have had a proposal recently. the guy is 'decent' and i've had a lot of pressure to marry this guy. my parents say they won't force me to marry but at the same time all i hear is how there are no decent guys left and proposals are scarce. this made me feel really bad and unhappy. i want to please my parents too & saying yes cud make a lot of ppl happy. except [i]me[/i]. i know my heart has no feelings for this guy & i dont want to risk walking into a marriage on the basis that things might 'work out okay'. Our personalities are very different and he has diff priorities in life. If you don't feel in ur heart this guy is right then say no. break it to ur parents gently tho' and explain the clear reasons why. To me it sounds as if the scouting of guys from 'back home' is the problem. Perhaps you cud try to tell ur parents to search for a guy who lives the country in which you live. perhaps this is the bigger issue? the lack of religion on his part can be an issue as well. some guys do change and become more aware of their religious duties (ie. prayers etc) but some don't. It's best to get as many details as possible on his attitude and actions in regard to Islam. these are meagre words of comfort, i know, but take care. Insha'Allah there will be a nice guy for you. |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Caraj |
| 01/21/04 at 14:30:48 |
| Ok, first of all what is ........istikarah.......I hear this term mentioned so many times on the board. Sis, My .02 cents. YES, people change after marruage and usually not for the better. No always for the worse either, just not for the better as we all put our best foot forward at first and once married you see the WHOLE person. Sometimes things you do not wish to see. If he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor. If he puts the cap back on the toothpaste. How clean or nice they truly are or are not. Secondly, I have a wonderful husband who is loving and kind and basically lets me do what I please. (then again I do nothing terriable so is not a bad thing) Yet I can tell you first hand having someone who is not into religion or spiritual matters as you is tough. I have a husband who has no interest in seeking God that I know of and when we talk Bible or Quran he just has either no interest or has no idea what I'm talking about or sometimes even both. World events??? He hasn't a clue but this due to our differences and my explaining things to him has shown a sincere interest in exploring his world and understanding he has lived in a bubble most his life. He was not into news and he has never voted and is 39 :o He was so wrapped up in his job and himself he hadn't a clue nor wanted one about the world around him. When we marry we want it to be for life, ok I'm going to ask you what I hope is a very thought provoking question. what kind of "life sentence" do you want??? Not to encourage or discourage you on this one specific man, this is just sister to sister about marriage ok? When we marry we are to be life mates, life partners and there is so much to each of us. We all have different ideas, different tastes in religion, commitment, morals, food and even marital relations which I might add is no different that food, some like it bland and some like it spicy if ya know what I mean :-[ ;D There is also intellect. Will you two be able to satisfy each others need and hunger for emotional, spiritual, itellect and other needs? (everyone has need that need to be filled for a person to be content. So what kind of "LIFE SENTENCE" do you want? And I know you wish to please your parents and do not wish to cause them worry or frustration but THEY don't have to live with the guy YOU DO. Just be respectful, explain your reasons, ask for patience and ask them if they are willing to explore other avenues of letting the community know you're available. Islamic Centers, other sisters even here on the board. Message Sister Kathy in private. See about islamic marriage web sites. I am not qualified to make a judgement call, however just based on what you have said I see religious (deen) , culture, communication and other barriers already. Remember this when considering (just my opinions) 1) What life sentence do you want 2) be poliet and respectful yet firm with your parents. (offer them brief explaination and also an alternative so they do not feel the door is closed) 3) Things do change after marriage and not for the best, you are seeing best side now (usually) 4) Difference can be a great challange and add variety to marriage yet most time it causes the matter to be worse. Not better. 5) And when you marry, The first year is the VERY hardest full of all the adjustments of a new person to be around. |
| 01/21/04 at 14:34:38 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Maryam |
| 01/21/04 at 16:26:35 |
[slm] Sister, the sisters above have all great insight. i agree with sis Azizah. not that i am in a situation myself to give advice but i am just realting your situation to my experience. your parents are not marrying the guy, you are. and like most parents who want the best for their children, i'm sure they have raised you to be opinonated, and fair in your decisions. what i'm tyring to say is that most girls know exactly what they don't want and don't like in a man, but only a few know the things that they are looking for and do want and do like in a guy. fact is you'll never be able to know more about him as he doesn't have the luxury of living in your area. at least that way, you could notice if he was making the effort to come to jummah prayers, or friday night discussions at the masjid, or you can even see the type of friends he has. these sort of things can give great insight to someone. Like the sisters above said. don't close the door completely, just pick the one that pleases you. believe me, if you are not happy there is no way you can expect yourself to make your future husband happy, even for your parents' sake. no one especially you would not want, they after marriage, if things don't work out, you start to secretly hate your family for making the selection for you, a right that is solely yours and yours alone. they other community can say what they want, but they won't be living with that man. you will be. they are not going to come and console you in your time of need. they are not going to come and help the two of you communicate with each other, you will have to do that. think of if for some reason God forbid, things don't work out, you and your family would be more hurt if you have to leave a marriage that they put their hopes into than to stop something right now when things haven't gone far at all. and most of all do Istikhara... please please please. only Allah swt knows best and He will guide you towards what is best for you. Hope i didn't confuse you. [wlm] |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Kathy |
| 01/22/04 at 09:54:04 |
| [wlm] Let's deal with the facts: You are young You are pretty You are educated You are a practicing Muslim You are basically shy You know how to cook and clean You are interested in life You speak both languages I don't think you are going to have a problem... My words of advice are to ride the storm of emotions out. Allah swt really does provide. I know those words are hard to absorb. Trust me, one day you will look back on this, maybe think of my words and say why did I waste so much time worrying? I should have just enjoyed being me! |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Aadhil |
| 01/22/04 at 10:22:00 |
| [slm] This is for sis Aziza on her question on isthikhara. http://islam.about.com/blistikhara.htm |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| Nazniya |
| 02/19/04 at 13:31:16 |
| [wlm] Dear sister i read your post, and my personal opinion is always be happy when choosing a partner.Don't accept anyone just to please your parent's.I am much older than you, my younger sister & brother are already married, but i haven't lost hope& Allah Ta'ala knows what is best for us.May Almighty Allah open your way and grant you the spouse of your dreams. Salaams |
| Re: Am I makijg a mistake in marrying? |
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| tahirah |
| 02/19/04 at 18:03:09 |
| [slm] I feel you sister :-). I am not a desi, but I've been around enough desis to know what you are talking about. Parents can be pretty tough (especially desi parents) when it comes to marriage for their daughters. I have seen several sisters marry what you call "jumu'ah Muslims" who go about their lives feeling secure in their deen and not really seeking to improve themselves. Many people may suggest to you that his religion is between him and Allah, and all you need is a "polite, nice" Muslim guy with modern views, who doesn't lock you in the house.... Just try to remember a few things: - by the way you were talking, you are seeking a mate who will help you get to Jannah :) ....so do you really want to settle for someone you feel will hinder you from this goal? - there is not necessarily anything wrong with marrying someone from "back home" as long as they have the deen right? If your parents insist on someone from Pakistan then let them, just don't compromise on the most important aspect - Iman! - As for pressure from your parents, I understand this can be a tremendous burden (espessially for those who are not as strong emotionally). Try to keep things in perspective: they are hurt that you are not marrying the guy they want you to marry, they are trying to protect the cultural honor of the family, and they want what they think is best for you.......so, at the end of the day weigh everything and see what matters most. If you rely on Allah Alone, then you will find the strength to stand up for your deen. - and no matter what your parents say, you ARE allowed to say no. That is a right that Islam has preserved for us. Don't feel guilty about not liking a guy they like, if he does not have what will help you get to your final goal. There is a reason why our consent is required. - no matter what, show the utmost respect to your parents (that doesn't mean being forced in to a marriage). Don't throw temper tantrums, screaming and yelling, or whatever else. Try to be a good daughter, helping them, listening to them, and speaking kindly. And try not to argue back your point of view, especially when you can tell they are not listening, or just want a fight - believe me, that only makes things worse! Make du'a, and pray istikhara! Only Allah knows what is best for you. Take care, and make du'a for me too. M'a Salaama |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| your_sister |
| 03/10/04 at 20:34:57 |
| Salam sis You describe a situation that sounds too familiar to me. My advice. You can do better. Why should you go with 'decent'. I have heard so many parents say 'they will change', if they are not set on their goals for the future when they are like 25-30 then when will they be? I don't think they will change all that much. If you are expecting radical changes then look at another guy. If there isn't anyone..then be patient and wait. Really I know parents will put the pressure on and say take this one, but if it doesn't suit don't try and force it. Round pegs don't fit in square holes. When seeking a marriage partner we need to look at deen. Look for someone equal to you in faith and more then that. He will then be able to teach you things. Also I can understand about the language problem. What about getting him to take a language course. Men from back home need to realise that marrying someone from the West isn't easy, they have to be prepared to work at it. Your sister in Islam |
| Re: Am I making a mistake in marrying? |
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| zusterNL |
| 03/12/04 at 03:25:44 |
| [slm] Dear sister, You told that you did salaat istigaarah. If you don't have a good feeling about this man than don't maary to him. You describe him as a not practising muslim. Sister when you die and you are in front of Allah swt your parents aren't there to protect you!!!! You have to do it all by yourself. Be a good muslimah and mary a good brother. You are not old! The most important thing of a person is his imaan. But his character is also very important. Mary a brother bor is imaan!!! Much love, your sister in islam |
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