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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/04/04 at 15:01:57 |
| assalamu alaikum, I need some advice to improve my heart. Maybe I should explain. For a while, I was getting to know someone for marriage (all done in a halal manner, of course). Towards the end when a decision was to be made, I felt my heart was getting too wrapped up with thinking about the brother. Its something I had a feeling I might be prone to from the very beginning. When it all started, I would continually immerse myself in duaa to my Rabb that we both may always have a pure niyyah and that any feelings I had for the brother would not affect my decision making. Alhamdulillaah, the duaa's helped me remain focused on my akhirah and not my dunyah. However, towards the end, I feared I was becoming emotionnally attached and regrettably, my thoughts became overwhelmed by this fear and I was no longer as consistent in turning to Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala as I was before. When I would make istikhara, I couldn't feel a clear path to take. And subhaan Allaah, when you turn away (even slightly)from the rahmah that you're being given, Allaah subhaanahu wa ta'aala will make you aware of your mistake. I only realised this months after the brother came and decided that maybe due to our indecisiveness and in order to avoid making a mistake, it would be best if we didn't get married. When this happened, I was deeply saddened. I don't think I ever felt exactly where my qalb was in my chest before. The pain was so severe, the feeling was completely new to me. It hurt so much and it has left a rough scar on my qalb. I realised months afterwards that this pain was only a punishment for the mistake I had made in letting my self over come my relationship with my Rabb. The brother didn't hurt me in any way, it was only my fault that I was hurt. I have been repeatedly reflecting about the state of my qalb and I get this naucious inner feeling towards the amount of dunya I have let settle in it. It was only in these first 10 days of Dhul Hijah that I felt some minute nearness again to Rabb ilalameen and that maybe the scar was beginning to heal. Alhamdulillaah. Its so hard to tell, the hurt just turned into a numb feeling in my heart over the months. I need advice as to how to improve my condition. I've made tawba and then tawba for any insincerity in my tawba. I ask for forgiveness and wake up at night to pray. But, I feel almost no change. Its as if I'm not doing something right. This is frightening me, I don't know when death will overcome me, I sincerely desire to meet my Rabb with a qalb saleem. I can't even imagine myself reaching that point. Please, I need some advice. I want to improve but I feel like I am circling in my 'ibadah; when I get to a certain level, I seem to stumble and fall back to the beginning of my heart's journey. I want my heart to heal before I move on. How do I get my heart to heal and prevent myself from erring again? I know this life is full of hardship after hardship, but I feel like I've come out of this test weakened, and not stronger to bear the next trial that may be sent my way. I have this huge fear of falling into the same situation again. I mean the situation of weakened 'ibadah. Someone advised me with the words of Imam Ibn UlQayyim (rahmat Ullaahi 'alayh) in one of his books . He (rahmat Ullaahi 'alayh) likened the nafs to that of an unborn child. A child is so comfortable and secure in his/her mother's womb. When the child is born, he/she cries because he/she was taken out of a place of comfort and security, its the only surrounding that the child is familiar with. The child cries as if petitionning the Creator ta'aala to not take him/her from that comfort zone. But, the Creator ta'aala assures the child that He ta'aala will give he/she a better surrounding with better comforts. And then, the child quiets and the heart of the child is reassured. This describes my situation so well, it brings tears to my eyes. I wonder why, as we get older, it takes us much longer than a newborn, to quiet down and be assured. I miss the fitra I was born with, its so difficult to regain it. I want to avoid the marriage process until I can improve myself. I know I can't deal with this now. I can't even consider, considering it. I strongly feel this way. I've recieved many proposals and I keep turning a blind eye to them, not even inquiring about the identity of the proposing brother. This is how worried I am about my condition. That's the big picture. Of course, like anyone else, I'm struggling in every aspect of my life, but this point seems to be a big boulder cutting my path short. wassalmu alaikum |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/15/04 at 01:52:09 |
| Assalamu alaikum, It seems like my post slided off the first page, onto the next. Please, does anyone have any advice? |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| superFOB |
| 02/15/04 at 04:42:42 |
| [slm] Sister Since you insist, let me tell you what I think. You are making your life unnecessarily hard. Take it easy sister, marriage is sunnah. And whatever you described sounded more like, well, normal to me. You might get clinically depressed if your are already not so. If you think you can't handle marriage negotiations, let your wali do it. And pray for the best. It always helps if we let Allah (SWT) do stuff for us and don't take upon ourselves His job. your brother |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| timbuktu |
| 02/15/04 at 05:26:12 |
| [slm] i thought of saying the same. Islam is not about making your life unnecessarily hard. Marriage is Sunnah, and is half of deen, and it is fitrah, so don't be too harsh with yourself. The human in us will rebel, and this rebellion will show in distorted ways. Of course, there are some who cannot find a spouse, and are unable to complete that half of deen, but if it is not their intention, Allah will insha`Allah either send them their mate, or reward them, but for those who can, they must complete this sunnah. I have noticed some here who are aiming to better themselves in Allah's eyes, and I hope they succeed, and that i am also able to do the same, but brother superFOB's advice is good here. Please do not try to become a recluse or an angel. |
| 02/15/04 at 05:28:38 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| Maliha |
| 02/15/04 at 12:47:32 |
| [slm] awwwwwwww...sis {{{{{{{{{{{{{huggggggggggsss}}}}}}}}}}}}}. Mashaallah, may Allah increase you in your yearning and Mujahada and keep you on the straight path, struggling, begging, and continually working on your condition. The journey you are on, is a lifetime journey, and even then we are not guaranteed to reach the "ideal state". Allah does not reward us on the results alone, but the struggle and Alhamdullillah in His Rahma, He keeps showering us with the every day blessings that we seem to forget when we are so immersed in everything else. Sister, this journey is harsh, tiring, and sometimes we reach points of despair...The beauty of marriage and the Wisdom of our deen in stressing this institution, is that we get a chance to share ourselves in a very intimate way with a companion on the same path. We share our laughter, joys, tears...we share our love, and in this profound relationship we gain a glimpse into Allah's infinite Mercy, His attributes of Rahma, Love, Beauty.... Marriage, children, our loved ones, our close ones...ease the pain within...they are the healing balms of our hearts, the cooling waters of our eyes. They hold our hands when we falter and let us weep into their arms when everything loses its bearing in life. But loving others is human, needed, and programmed into our emotional/spiritual genes for a purpose. Allah created nothing in vain, sis..and if only to soften our hearts and to give us companions who remind us when we forget, acting like comforting garments in our moments of weakness. If you found a brother, who is on the same wavelength, go for it sis..don't make something haram that Allah made perfectly halal for you. Take care of yourself, and may Allah ease your affairs...(Amin). Be Merciful to yourself, for Allah is All Merciful, never forget that. Sis in struggle, :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| theOriginal |
| 02/15/04 at 18:24:50 |
| [slm] MashaAllah. All I can do is pray for you, that Allah makes this time easy on you... As for the taubah, and then the taubah on the possible insincerity of the taubah, I don't think that's necessary...and in fact, I don't even think that's allowed. Just make taubah once, and pray for sincerity. :) But honestly...what an inspiring post...I didn't know people like you existed :) Wasalaam. |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| se7en |
| 02/16/04 at 04:06:00 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, dear anonymous sister, I hope you are doing well insha'Allah. the experience you have gone through is one many of us have tasted.. the process of marriage is one in which it's very easy to become attached to someone, to allow emotions to rule our actions, and to get very distracted from our focus. but I also think it's natural for feelings to develop to a certain extent in the process.. we are considering a person for marriage, thinking about them a lot, their good qualities and their bad, imagining a life with them.. this is something that will obviously cultivate some feelings inside a person. that's why there is the wali system in Islam, and that is why there are such particular rulings on the interaction between men and women before marriage. if you struggled to have all of your interaction with this brother be in the most honorable and correct way, and you strove to temper your feelings for him, then I do not think you should feel such guilt about what has happened and what's happening inside of you. Allah is merciful, and He does not place a burden on us greater than we can bear; and He will only hold us to account for that which we have the capacity to change. So, my point is that it is not necessarily the natural feelings that grow in the person that are reprehensible, but the cultivation of these feelings by wrong behavior. So don't lose heart or despair because you have some feelings to work through - I think that is natural and human, and that this is a good time to turn to Allah and ask for His protection and care. From reading your post, it occurs to me that perhaps it is not your feelings for the brother that perturbs you, but the end result of your relationship. I really try to abstain from giving direct advice on the board ("you should do this, you shouldn't do that") but sister, if you really feel like this is a good, Allah-conscious brother, that you are compatable with, and it was only your mutual indecisiveness that has prevented you two from continuing the process, perhaps you should re-consider. Istikhara does not always have with it a clear-cut result, and sometimes it is very difficult to interpret the best path to take, especially when feelings are involved. I hope I have helped insha'Allah, or at least given you some food for thought. May Allah guide you to the best decisions. take care.. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, 7 |
| 02/19/04 at 01:32:55 |
| se7en |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 02/16/04 at 06:49:44 |
[slm] I've been wanting to reply but wasn't really sure what I could say that could bring u any comfort :(. Ur post was really touching in a way because it shows mash'Allaah how deeply u want to always stay focused on Allaah and hints at what ur imaan must really be like :), and that even if ur mind/heart strays, even a fraction, away from Allaah, u come down so hard on yourself and give yourself a harsh punishment by continuously reprimanding yourself so severly. It's interesting u say that "I felt my heart was getting too wrapped up with thinking about the brother" and that u were praying that"...any feelings I had for the brother would not affect my decision making". But u have to realise that they *would* affect ur decision and of course u would become wrapped up in the brother. How could u not? U know that marriage is a really important and BIG step, one that u have to think about very deeply, especially when u r considering a prospective partner. Getting to know someone *can* develop a bond between the two of u and u *do* become emotionally attached. The latter statement that I quoted of yours shows that u perhaps really need to relook at things again. Any feelings u had towards the brother would affect ur decision; if u didn't like the brother, would u not agree that u perhaps would decide that u may not want to be with him? And if u did like the brother, would u not perhaps be more inclined to feel more positive about a potential marriage, or even would decide to prolong the period of wanting to get to know each other better, purely because u are entertaining the thought of marriage with him because u do like something about him? It seems like ur hurting over about what happened with the brother, as well as how u feel about ur state of imaan :(. I'm sorry ur hurting either way :(. However, the fact u felt any pain at the loss of the brother shows that there was possibly something between the two of u and that maybe u had been serious about marriage, but for whatever reason, it wasn't quite so clear to u at the time u two were getting to know each other. Maybe it's only now that ur feelings have truly shown themselves to u?? As to how to improve ur condition...well, wow, it seems like ur doing everything that u could possibly do. The only thing I can really say is *perserver*. Seriously. U seem to be trying really hard and seem to have a real desire to improve yourself. Just because u don't feel any different now or don't feel an immediate change, doesn't mean u need to stop what ur doing already or that u need to do anything else. Maybe u just have to continue doing what ur doing, and insha'Allaah, u'll either begin to feel more at ease or things will begin to fall into place in your life. You say "when I get to a certain level, I seem to stumble and fall back to the beginning of my heart's journey". Isn't that a part of imaan; that sometimes we're doing things right/well and we are at a certain level, but then something happens and we either begin to slide backwards or we do fall down. But again, it's about picking urself up and continuing onwards. You seem to be on the right track: just keep at it and insha'Allaah things will become easier. Ur right when u say that life is full of hardship, but what u also forget is that after every hardship there is ease. However hard it is, just try and keep ahold of that. You may well feel weakend, but then this is most definitely the time to build urself up again, and it seems that ur already doing that. You say u also worry that you may not be as strong "to bear the next trial that may be sent my way". Really? You may feel like that, especially because of what u've gone thru and the fact that ur emotions are still perhaps somewhat raw but they are still of course *with* u, but u have to also remember that Allaah does not burden a soul with more than it can cope. It seems that ur struggling to get ur imaan to back where it was initially before the brother came along, but perhaps what u need to be doing is to start incorporating in to ur thoughts and beliefs that Allaah is in fact All-Merciful, and All-Hearing, and if u are sincere in your ibaadaah, then how can u surely not be rewarded and helped by Allaah, insha'Allaah? Continue with the acts of worship ur already doing, but perhaps u sincerely need to let ur heart once again fully accept and believe in Allaah's Mercy and that He is a Protecter and a Guide. Perhaps rather than engaging in more acts of ibadaah and wondering if that's where ur fault lies, u need to examine ur fears, pain and beliefs, and not despair so much and put as much of ur trust wholeheartedly again in Allaah. Also, a final thing: only u know how u feel about this brother. If some of ur feelings for him have remained, then perhaps u should pursue marriage with him again? U appear to fear dunya settling in ur heart; however, marriage is a sunnah and so does need extra attention paid to it, so it isn't really a wonder when the two ppl involved begin to find themselves attached to each other. If u like the brother's level of imaan or any things in him islamically, then surely u would want to pursue a marriage with someone who can help u retain your focus on Allaah and help increase ur own imaan? Forgive me for anything I shouldn't have said. I have much more to say but I think for now, I should bite my lip and allow u to insha'Allaah reflect on what everyone has written. I pray that ur imaan continues to grow, and that ur sincerity in doing so is reflected in us all also :) Much love, wa'salaam |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| se7en |
| 02/19/04 at 01:29:35 |
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, a brother emailed me and gave me some very beneficial information about a hadeeth I mentioned in my above post.. check it out below.. [color=black] I noticed that you mentioned the following in one of your post: “If a man loves a woman, but dies without expressing it out of his fear of Allah, [because their relationship is not halal] then that person will have died a shaheed.” as a hadeeth of the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã). However, upon further investigation, this hadeeth proves to be mawdoo’ (fabricated), thus I decided to translate these words of gold so it will be of benefit not just for you or me, but to all. This is what shaykhal-Islaam Ibn Qayyim said regarding this hadeeth: And do not be deceived that hadeeth that has been forged on the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã). Indeed it has not been authentically reported from the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã), and it is not possible for such statements to emanate from him. For shahaadah is a very high station to Allaah, one that is accompanied by truthfulness (Sidiqeeyyah), and it has conditions to achieve it. Shahaadah is of two types: 1. General and, 2. Specific. The specific type is the shahaadah that is fee sabeelillaah, and the general type which are those five[1] that are mentioned in the authentic hadeeth, and ishq (love, infatuation) is not one of them. How could he achieve the level of being a shaheed when this love is a form shirk that results from the heart being barren from the remembrance of Allaah, whilst being engrossed in the love of others besides Him? This is impossible; for the corruption of the heart that infatuation causes surpasses all corruption. Rather it is the intoxicant (khamr) of the soul that prevents it from the love and remembrance of Allaah. Moreover, it leads to the worship of others besides Him, for the heart of the lover is preoccupied with the one he loves. As a matter of fact, love is the essence of ibaadah, because it dictates complete submission and adulation. So how is it that a person who lets his heart worships others besides Allaah achieve the station of tha muwahiddeen, and those of such noble positions from amongst His awliyaa? Even if the isnaad of this hadeeth was like the sun, it will still be incorrect, and the word ÚÔÞ(love, infatuation) has never been reported in an authentic hadeeth of the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã). Then, there is ÚÔÞ that is halaal and there are those that are haraam. Thus, how it is possible that the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã) would state that the one who dies whilst hiding his ishq is a shaheed? Do you think that the one who is in love with he wife of another man, little children, or prostitutes, could gain the station of shahaadah by his love? Is this not but that which contradicts that which is known to all about the messengerÕáì Çááå Úáíå æÓá? How it is that seeking a cure by this disease can be waajib or mustahab, when Allaah made it a sickness from the sicknesses of the heart? If you examine the illness that the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã) ruled that the one who dies as a result of it a shaheed, you will notice that they are illness for which there are no cures, as in the case of a plague, insanity, burning to death, and drowning. Thus, these are afflictions that the ‘abd can do nothing about, there are no cure for them, it was not as a result of any haraam act, and it does not lead to the corruption of the heart and worshipping other besides Allaah as is the case with ishq. If all this is not sufficient to show the forgery in attributing this hadeeth to the messenger (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã), then follow the imaams of hadeeth, and also consider it weak, for it is not known that any of them considered it to be saheeh, or even hasan. How could that be the case when they highly objected to the one who made up this hadeeth and they accused him of commiting great indecent acts? Some of them even said it is permissible to wage war on him because of what he did! (Zaad: 3/306-307) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [1] “The one who is killed for the sake of Allaah is a martyr; the one who dies for the sake of Allaah is a martyr; the one who dies of the plague is a martyr; the one who dies of a stomach disease is a martyr; and the one who drowns is a martyr.” Muslim (1915) [/color] Insha'Allah, I'll edit my post. wasalaamu alaykum, 7 |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| timbuktu |
| 02/19/04 at 02:52:26 |
| [slm][quote author=se7en link=board=madrasa;num=1075924917;start=0#8 date=02/19/04 at 01:29:35]How could he achieve the level of being a shaheed when this love is a form shirk that results from the heart being barren from the remembrance of Allaah, whilst being engrossed in the love of others besides Him? This is impossible; for the corruption of the heart that infatuation causes surpasses all corruption. Rather it is the intoxicant (khamr) of the soul that prevents it from the love and remembrance of Allaah. Moreover, it leads to the worship of others besides Him, for the heart of the lover is preoccupied with the one he loves. [/quote] Since this is not a true Hadith, there can be no doubt that this act (of hiding one's love for a mortal being) does not entitle one to the status of a shaheed. but i wonder if the scholar has not gone too far. there is a difference between ÚÔÞ and ãÍÈÊ (love). ÚÔÞ is neither love, nor infatuation. Infatuation can and does pass with time, and one realises that one was being stupid. It does not leave any scars in the heart. ÚÔÞ is intense love that burns one's heart, and one is unable to think about anything else. It is as if one is possessed. If it passes away with time, it still leaves a scar in the heart, which may trouble one from time to time. The intensity may dwindle, but love remains in the heart. and it is true that ÚÔÞ has not been mentioned in a hadeeth. The Anonymous poster talked of Imam ibn Qayyim, and the email from the brother that you quoted also talks of this. He was a great scholar, one of my favorites, and also very pious. But should we be held to these high standards? I don't think ãÍÈÊ ,ÚÔÞ (love) or infatuation are equivalent to shirk. These are three different conditions. One has no control over them. If one falls in love, or has that intensity of love called ÚÔÞ, or is infatuated with someone, tough luck :(, but there it is. In fact, love is desirable. Love for one's child, for one's family, for the Ummah, all mortals, are all desireable :) We are required to have more love for Allah (swt) and the prophet (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã) than we have for others. This implies that love in our hearts for others is not to be shunned, however insignificant it may be compared to that for Allah (swt) and the prophet (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã). What this means is that in our love for others, we do not trespass on the limits set by Allah (swt) or the prophet (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã). The internal Jihad is for this struggle: having more love for Allah (swt) and the prophet (Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã) than others. |
| 02/19/04 at 04:36:31 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Desiring a qalb saleem? |
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| Anonymous |
| 03/05/04 at 06:12:38 |
| assalamu alaikum again, May Allah taala reward you all for your advice and for mirroring some of my feelings although I made no mention of them. I needed time to reflect on your advices regarding my condition. I have some difficulty effectively describing how I feel, but every word I mentionned in my first post was relevant to my state and sincere concerns about where my relationship with my Rabb stands. I appreciate your concerns about how seriously I view this and where too much dwelling will leave me. Alhamdulillaah, I am so distant from depression, I have witnessed it engulf people's lives. Depression is a result of despair and losing all hope. I have so much hope and the despair is a result of my confusion. I only feel I may be missing something in my journey and that may be the reason why I feel like I'm circling. Each person is capable of gaging their own state and where improvments need to be made. What brought me to post my feelings was a discussion I had with a friend who is going through a similar experience. Although her's is much more painful, her strength and iman was so inspiring. To reassure you, I have not given up on marriage. I only desire to improve my situation and realise more about where I have erred so that I may be more aware of where I step in the future. When you let your qalb sway slightly away from its focus, Allah subhaanahu wa taala, you're starving it from its natural state. Cultivating feelings for someone may be inevitable, but should those feelings have an effect on your relationship with Allaah taala? Affect you in the sense that you become even slightly overtaken by them? I feel that some of you may have intended that marriage is a sunnah and should not be delayed. I am unsure I can go ahead with marriage feeling this way. Br timbuktu, if I'm not mistaken, Imam Ibn UlQayyim (rahmat Ullaahi 'alaih) is speaking of 'ishq. This type of love is excessive and overcomes a person. Love and compassion are desirable characteristics of a person, but when it is for another person, it should not be excessive. This type can be equivalent to shirk just as excessive love of money or anything of the dunya is. Just as one can control their love of money, it is possible to do so in one's love for the khalq (creation). After all, Islam is about the middle way. I was confused when shahaadah was attributed to concealing feelings for someone. If anything, I felt the struggle of avoiding coming close to the boundries of those types of feelings. Alhamdulilllaah someone clarified the status of the hadith. I did have feelings for the brother, but I am unable to be in love with someone without living with, experiencing and being personal and intimate (I do not mean physical here) with the individual. I do not feel it was lust or anything undesirable in that sense. To my surprise, I was unaware of the brother's eye colour until his sister mentionned it one day, months after the process had begun. I did look at the brother, but the looks lasted briefly. However, what confuses me most, is when I would look at him, or speak with him, I could only be reminded of my akhirah. This may be why I was so perturbed by the way things ended (Se7en, you read well into my post). When I reflect on it now, I become confused with why things ended the way they did. I became so nervous and shy (I was under the impression this was normal). I am only sure that towards the end of the experience, I held back in conveying my feelings and difficulties arose in communication. Regardless, it is the qadar of Allah taala. We were both unsure of which path to take, but the brother made mention of some doubts he had and feeling more negative than positive. I had minor doubts as well, with hopes of clearing them up. However, the brother was clear in that his was a final decision. I did want to be with him, but immediately felt that his decision was a lucid reply to my confused istikhara's. There are so many things involved in this whole experience that do contribute to the way I feel, but my concern is for my qalb. I avoided mentionning details so that my concern would not be misread. What happened, I can't change, I want to simply feel at rest with it all. I'm not sure if you all understand why I'm having trouble. Allaah subhaanahu wa taala tests all of His taala slaves. The way we react to the test is an indication if we have passed or not. If we react with sabr (patience), then its a sign that the test was passed and that any hardships we've endured were a means of purifying us from our sins. If we react with pain and deep sadness, its a sign that we are being punished for our sins. My reaction was initally mixed. I felt deep pain but struggled so hard to remain patient. I'm still struggling with the pain. But since pain is involved, I feel like its been a punishment. I also mentionned uncertainty about the level of my tawba. I am uncertain about my tawba. I'm not sure if it was actually tawbatan nasooha. What it should include is deep regret and sincerity that results with a burst of the qalb. I do have deep regrets and hope to be sincere, however I only feel minute bursts of sincerity that last for a fraction of a moment. For me, it indicates that I am stuck somewhere. Maybe I am being untruthful in my request, or I have yet to looked deep enough to see how I truly feel. This life-time journey of mine feels idle at the moment. That reminder to perservere was something I needed. Sometimes it is easy to forget that shaytaan (aoothoo billaah) is waiting for us to mess up and will take advantage of our weakened states. Sr salaampeaceshalom, your advice was so helpful, this part in particular, "You may well feel weakend, but then this is most definitely the time to build urself up again, and it seems that ur already doing that. You say u also worry that you may not be as strong "to bear the next trial that may be sent my way". Really? You may feel like that, especially because of what u've gone thru and the fact that ur emotions are still perhaps somewhat raw but they are still of course *with* u, but u have to also remember that Allaah does not burden a soul with more than it can cope. It seems that ur struggling to get ur imaan to back where it was initially before the brother came along, but perhaps what u need to be doing is to start incorporating in to ur thoughts and beliefs that Allaah is in fact All-Merciful, and All-Hearing, and if u are sincere in your ibaadaah, then how can u surely not be rewarded and helped by Allaah, insha'Allaah? Continue with the acts of worship ur already doing, but perhaps u sincerely need to let ur heart once again fully accept and believe in Allaah's Mercy and that He is a Protecter and a Guide. Perhaps rather than engaging in more acts of ibadaah and wondering if that's where ur fault lies, u need to examine ur fears, pain and beliefs, and not despair so much and put as much of ur trust wholeheartedly again in Allaah." You're right, I am struggling to get my iman back where it was initially before the brother came along; I miss the sweetness I used to feel in my worship of Allaah taala. When I cry, it feels void of a connection with my Rabb. One thing I have been avoiding is examining my fears and pains. I seem to be examining everything *but* these. I know what my fears and pains are, but how do I examine them? I do feel comfort when I turn to Allah taala, but I feel like I am missing something, maybe my trust in Allah taala is not as true as I think it is? The brother and I promised each other that no hard feelings existed between us. But for some reason, if we pass by each other, an acknowledging salam is hard to say. I feel like we are strangers. I never thought it could be that someone I have gotten close to would seem like a stranger. This is also something I feel is a reflection of my state. Br superFOB, When I do consider the next person Allah taala has planned for me, I feel uncomfortable leaving it to my wali. My wali and I are on fairly different wavelengths and he does not understand, nor is willing to understand how I fear Allaah taala in this life, wanting someone who wants to work to improve their state along with me. With this previous brother, only one person in my family understood that I would speak to the brother by phone only if someone was nearby, checking on me every now and then. My wali and other mahrams would simply turn away and say 'what you talk about is none of our business'. This hurt me so much, but I bit my lip and worked with what I had. I need to examine and fix my state so that my mahram's may able to receive my worries better and be more understanding. I have read this post over and I think I see where a big part of the boulder lies in my path. I can see it in every part I have written above. Although I was sure I put my trust completely in Allaah taala, I see I waivered blindly towards the end. I made the decision for marriage weigh so heavily on me. A few months ago I was speaking with a friend who I made no mention to of my experience. She probed me asking me why things felt different to me now, than they did before. She reminded me how I would work at trials in my path and leave the result to Allaah ta'ala, and as a result I was more at ease and at peace, worry-free. Her words just hit home now. As you may see from my words above, there are many dimensions to the way I feel, but it seems to me that this trust is something I have to rebuild. How often we forget to put our trust in Allaah taala as the birds do. I value the advice that you have all given me. I look forward to reading more advice. I am in need of it and your prayers. |
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| anon |
| 03/05/04 at 08:15:43 |
I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone already suggested this. You need a sheikh who has reached the states you want to reach. He can then guide you on the path to Allah (subhana wa taala). Allah (swt) does not reject the sincere prayers of one who asks for guidance. Ask Allah and you will find your sheikh inshAllah. The important part is not trying to acheive everything and every state at once. You need someone who has guided hundreds and thousands to tell you which step to take first; where to go from where you are and reach there and then move on. It is one of shaytans tricks to raise the bar whenever you intend to do something. So one feels one must do the higher/harder things which one is unable to do with one's current state of iman and end up doing nothing. Truly tawfiq comes from Allah (swt) alone. |
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| sofia |
| 03/05/04 at 10:43:29 |
| [slm] [quote]Truly tawfiq comes from Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) alone.[/quote] Very true. Not to overanalyze, but I think there are at least 2-3 different things going on here. One is, the marriage process. Two is, ubudiyyah to Allah (swt) and distractions from it. Third is, trust in Allah (swt). I was once given the example of someone who was constantly (not always, we're only human, after all) in the remembrance of Allah. I mean, regular dhikr, nafl prayers, etc. If he omitted doing one of his regular acts of worship due to some distraction that was not of equal benefit (ie, helping others in need, etc. This is praiseworthy and considered part of ibaadah), then he would immediately see the ill-effects and feel it in his heart. We've all heard and seen examples of this. So imagine the rest of us (ie, like me), whose slip is "slipping" into a sin. Imagine if we did not see the ill-effect or feel it in our heart. SubhanAllah, may Allah always send us reminders and never leave us to our own whims, aameen. A lot of the feelings of uneasiness you're feeling is good and beneficial, insha'Allah. If you didn't feel this, then there'd be a problem. This is taqwaa in Allah. Anyhow, about the trust in Allah issue, this is the single most important ingredient of the Istikhaarah prayer (learned this the hard way). Read as much as you can about tawakkul and pray that Allah makes helps make your decisions easy for you. And there are lots of good du'aas out there. There really is no guarantee in anything but in Allah and in our death, so don't "put all your eggs in one basket" when it comes to a potential suitor. Not to say that you should only trust in Allah and no one else, but it's a different level of trust. Allah (swt) knows the unseen. This is different than just a "gut feeling" or a "sign." We are all limited, by definition. So, about the marriage process, leave it to Allah (swt). What we think may be good for us, may not be. Marriage, itself, is something that's already written and will happen when it's supposed to happen. And not that I want to get your hopes up about one brother in particular, but I've heard of some instances of a proposal that didn't work out the first time, but worked out a few years later. Allahu 'Alim. If anything, work on continuing to boost your relationship with Allah now, before marriage (advice for anyone, not you in particular). May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and give you what's best for you, aameen. |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 03/08/04 at 06:18:55 |
| Assalaamu alaikum dear sis :) I pray that ur heart is in somewhat less pain and anguish than it was when u initially wrote ur first post. Dear sis, I think most often we cause unnecessary pain to ourselves, which we do not truly have to experience. For some reason, we choose to not completely trust in Allaah and we begin to resist, even unconsciously, and I think this is where for many of us, our problems begin. For various reasons, it can be difficult to place ur trust wholly in Allaah, but then Who else are we meant to fully trust and Who else Controls and Guides our lives? Perhaps this is the time when real comtemplation and reflection is required and u remember all the times when u *have* placed ur trust completely in Allaah, and remember how u did that, how u felt and what the result was. U say [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1075924917;start=10#10 date=03/05/04 at 06:12:38] I miss the sweetness I used to feel in my worship of Allaah taala. When I cry, it feels void of a connection with my Rabb.... I was speaking with a friend who I made no mention to of my experience. She probed me asking me why things felt different to me now, than they did before. She reminded me how I would work at trials in my path and leave the result to Allaah ta'ala, and as a result I was more at ease and at peace, worry-free. [/quote] So what made u not put ur whole trust in Allaah this time sis? There must be something there, maybe even really personal, so just answer that to urself, and once u have the answer, u may know where u 'stumbled' so to speak, and insha'Allaah u can work on that. As for ur connection with Allaah...Hm, I think only u can truly know what to do about this. Every one has a different means of what would *truly* work for them...for some it is extra nafl prayers/more concentration in prayers, more serious reading of the qur'aan and pondering over its verses, etc etc. However, for some it is making real personal du'aas to Allaah, in which they are so open and truly pour their heart out to their Lord, in which tears of remorse, anguish, self-rebuke, sincere pleas and so on are manifested...so often such a du'aa can leave u exhausted...but u can also feel a sense of peace afterwards :). You need to know what will make u experience that connection again with Allaah, and I don't think this is something that someone can tell u how to do necessarily. Like I said, I believe this is a personal and individual thing :) Our fears and pain can be diffciult to look at, but honestly, sometimes we can mould them in to HUGE boulders, when we just need to 'dissect' ;) them and look at ways in how to deal with them. Maybe u should do that...whatever u are fearing or whatever is causing u pain, see what it really is and why u are experiencing them. Then...look at ways as to make them less severe/less grand and maybe even ask a friend for advise or even ask us here on the board :)...But u know what, isn't this strange...I think our fears and pain are again linked to how much we trust Allaah...If we trust in Him so sincerely, then would we really have any fears and wouldn't we willingly accept any pain, just for Him? And knowing that He Will not let any of His slaves suffer meaninglessly, and any suffering we do have to endure, may be a source of bringing us back to Him... U said that the brother and urself are now like 'strangers', and u believe this to be a reflection of ur state. How? I wasn't too sure what u meant by that. The thing is, if there is no intention of marriage there anymore, surely it is easier for u two to act like strangers, rather than beginning any real interaction again or harbour any other feelings, if marriage may never materialise? It may just be that the two of u don't know how to react with each other now, after having gone through a somewhat 'intimate' process, by which I mean having had to get to know each other on a more personal level. Subhan'Allaah, at least u knew how to interact with the brother islaamically, and I'm sorry u didn't get as much support from ur wali and other mahrems as u would have liked. Maybe u just need to carry on talking to them and explain to them how u want the process to be like, and even if u get one of them on ur side, insha'Allaah that will make things easier for u :) Due to the way u have ended ur post, I guess trust is really a big issue, as it is for many of us. But how true it is when u say 'How often we forget to put our trust in Allaah taala as the birds do' :( Anyway sis, I hope this have been of some help insha'Allaah, and I pray u find ur connection again with Allaah :). I'm going away for a few weeks, but I hope that u will continue to post on here whenever u need to so that people can continue to help insha'Allaah :) Much love wa'salaam |
| 03/08/04 at 09:51:03 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/08/04 at 10:54:21 |
| AA Come on sis. I don't want to be harsh (as most of you know), but the question that comes to mind is when your heart got wrapped up in thinking about the brother, why, why, why did you not take that as a positive sign of istihkarra? And marry him without hesitation? This reminds me of the hadith where 3 men come to the Prophet(SAW) : one says he fasts all the time, one says he never goes to his wife for relations, and one says he prays all night. The Prophet SAW replied and said, amongst other things : "Marriage is my sunnah and whosoever goes against my sunnah is not of me". Isn't this what you've done sis? In your eagerness to please Allah SWT, you have gone beyond the bounds laid down by the Prophet(SAW) himself. And he (SAW) is our role model, NO-ONE else. Imam Gazali said that a man should not marry if it comes in the way of his loving Allah. With due respect to Iamam Gazali, this seems to go against the words of the Prohpet(SAW). And there are many other hadith about encouraging marriage under ALL circumstances. There is only one way out of this : get married!!!! If not to this brother, then to someone else. And one more thing. The "lovey-dovey" feeling does not last a lifetime. Love may last a lifetime, but not the kind of infatuation we are talking about. The love I feel for my wife is very different from the love I felt from here when we got married 12 years ago, and vice-versa. Once you start having crying kids around you while your husband is relaxing in the office, you'll realise that. Sorry to be harsh, but a strong disease requires a strong medicine. |
| NS |
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| timbuktu |
| 03/12/04 at 15:27:48 |
| [slm] I re-read the posts, and thought if the problem has died, I should not touch it, but if it hasn't and the sis or someone else is having this problem, can I give some advice? first, bro hyper's strong medicine is indeed advised. but I think here is a genuine loss the sister feels. you know, only Allah (swt) can solve problems. Oh, the last third of night, when you can talk to Allah without diversion. What a gift it is! Get up, and prostrate, and while in prostration say: "Ya hayyu, ya Qayyum, berehmatika astageeth" 3 times and cry, and cry and cry, silently. sit up and say from the core of your heart: "La ilaha illa anta Subhaanka; inni kuntu minaz-zwalimeen" raise your hands and make dua, ask Him for forgiveness, ask Him to take the pain away, ask Him to give you back His love, the pain will go away, and He will grant you His love believe me, it works :) and for all halal wishes :) |
| 03/12/04 at 15:29:10 |
| timbuktu |
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| Nomi |
| 03/12/04 at 22:21:44 |
| [slm] [quote author=timbuktu link=board=madrasa;num=1075924917;start=10#15 date=03/12/04 at 15:27:48] first, bro hyper's strong medicine is indeed advised. [/quote] He isn't hyper!!! He is our respected bro Humayoun and i second whatever he said. Although like many of you i always encourage those who want to achieve the state of imaan which i "know" i wont ever be able to achive, yet bro humayoun's advice stands true for common ppl like me. Then again, there are always a handful of super-dooper-religious (super-dooper-kewl) peeps out there and i believe that they are out there for a purpose! Remember the life of Rabia Basri? (may Allah bless her) [slm] |
| 03/12/04 at 22:24:48 |
| Nomi |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/12/04 at 22:49:21 |
| AA Hey, I'm THE most common of people. I'm nowhere near the spiritual level of this sister. But sprituality isn't just about zikr of Allah. Marriage is a definately a sort of ibadat and a source of reward from Allah SWT. I mean the Prophet(SAW) had 12 wives, and loved them all greatly, yet it did not come in the way of his spirituality. "Remember the life of Rabia Basri?" Not a criticizm of you Nomi, but one thing I don't understand is why we need to look at anyone other than the Prophet(SAW) as our role model. No-one can ever worship Allah SWT better than he could. He showed us exactly what the right balance is between deen and dunya, an example of which was the hadith I quoted above. And he longed for Paradise, something which I believe Rabia did not. And anyone who tries to go beyond what the Prohet(SAW) did is, IMHO, going beyond the bounds. So for example, the Prophet(SAW) used to pray 11 rakats for Tahajud. No more. Of course, it would take him the whole third of the night. Yet you have some scholars/books which seem to indicate that "other" pious muslims would pray gazallions of rakats every night. The classic I heard was that Uthman(RA) used to recite the whole Quran twice in each night of Ramadan. How fast would you have to be reciting the Quran in order to achieve that? Of course, all this should be taken from me with a huge pinch of salt, considering my record for fajr (tahahjjud does not even come into the picture). Ok, off to sleep, Inshallah let's hope I can get to the musalla for fajr in the morning... |
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| superFOB |
| 03/19/04 at 05:00:26 |
| [slm] sis anonymous: I was listening to a shaikh on tape about the diseases of the heart and the ways to purge them. He was talking about riya and he quoted Imam Malik (RA). According to the Imam, consider a person who comes out of his house with the intention of joining salaah in the masjid and with the pure intention that each step is going to benefit him. Midway, a waswasa creeps into his mind and he wishes in his heart that someone should see him walking towards the masjid. Now according to the Imam, if the person fights the waswasa then and there, his niyyah is pure. Basically he meant that the person need not trace his footsteps back and should proceed to the masjid. Herein lies your answer. I hope you get it. bro humayoun: Dear brother, none of us can claim to have any position in front of Allah (SWT) and yet we choose to criticize people like hujjat ul islam, Imam alghazali and Rabia al Basri (RA). Is it proper adab to criticize the people of knowledge and taqwa when we are ourselves severely lacking in it? |
| 03/19/04 at 05:32:50 |
| superFOB |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/19/04 at 10:45:58 |
| AA SuperFOB, it is NOT a criticizm. I can NEVER get up to the level of Iman of these people. My question is, pure and simple, why do we need to use as good examples those people who, it is claimed, have done things in a better way than the Prophet(SAW), when we have the example of the Prophet(SAW) himself? Which I think brings us back to the original point of this thread. The Prophet(SAW) NEVER told us that to achieve Jannah we have to act in an "super human" way which is not attainable except to the few. His life was full of balance between deen and dunya - there's a section in Hamza Yusuf's "Purification of the Heart" about this. To give an example from the top of my head, which I hope no-one will be offended by, he is known to have prayed Tahajjud for hours on some nights, while at the same time he is known to have had marital relations with ALL of his wives in one single night. Now that's what you call balance. I, for one, get put off by exagerated stories of pious people - not by the people themseleves, but by the stories and description of them, because they sound like super humans whose efforts I can never achieve. And I never get put off any authentic hadiths about the Prophet(SAW)'s worship. As for Imam Gazzali, if you can provide evidence from the Quran and Sunnah that backs up his opinion (i.e that you should not get married if you don't have enough love for Allah, or if you think that marriage will take you away from the love of Allah), please provide it and we can disucss it in the shade of the Quran and Sunnah. As far as my limited knowledge is aware, the one thing that comes to mind are the words of the Prophet(SAW) talking to the person who refused to marry so that he could worship Allah SWT more : "Marriage is my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah is not one of us" (recorded in Bukhari). I do not have a right to ctiticize Imam Gazzali as a human being, but my duty to the Prophet(SAW) is to always ensure his sunnah is upheld, and to correct anyone who goes agains it. |
| NS |
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| Bahitha |
| 03/19/04 at 11:24:01 |
| sister,while reading your message i have encountered myself in it. I have had a similar experience of having strong admiration for a suitor whom i did want for husband but due to family considerations, i've had to reject him; knowing the pain that that would cause him and me. My advice is to give it time, time is healer. Allah knows what is best for us and at the same time He is merciful,please don't forget that. No matter how we wrong ourselves, Allah is there. did you know that He loves us more than our own mothers? Probably the experience is recent and that's why you're still feeling it strongly. here is the dua' you should ask in this situation: Allahumma ejurni fi musibati wa-khlufni khayran minha say it as many times as you can, and believe me Allah will reward you and compensate you for everything Hope it helps. Try it and let me know. Assalam |
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| superFOB |
| 03/19/04 at 22:02:04 |
| [slm] [quote author=The humble muslim link=board=madrasa;num=1075924917;start=20#20 date=03/19/04 at 10:45:58]I can NEVER get up to the level of Iman of these people. ... my limited knowledge ... we have the example of the Prophet(SAW) himself[/quote] Let us all hold on tightly to these three simple rules and inshallah nobody would have to put up with boors like superFOB. |
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| Tesseract |
| 03/22/04 at 18:21:20 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]one thing I don't understand is why we need to look at anyone other than the Prophet(SAW) as our role model. [/quote] Aren't Sahaba (RadiAllahu 'Anhum) an example for us as well? They were the ones who learnt the deen directly from RasoolAllah (saw) and then implemented it in their lives. They were humans like us, and they also went through many a difficulties like we do today, but how they always held up their eeman during those times, after the death of Prohet Muhammad (saw), definitely has an example in it for us :). As an example, let me quote an incident from history, since I am reading history these days. Abu Bakr (RA) during his caliphate, had a war against people who did not want to pay Zakah. Many of the Sahaba, including 'Umar ibn AlKhattab (RA) opposed him before Abu Bakr (RA) declared a war, but later on, after the war, it was 'Umar (RA) who himself appreciated Abu Bakr's (RA) decision and attributed it to his knowledge and understanding of deen. On the same note, I feel, the four great Imams were an excellent example in their own times and even today are. They are role models as well. So, I don't see anything wrong in seeing someone as ur role model as long as that person's own role model is Prophet Muhammad (saw). It is the *practice* that attracts after all, so my role model can be a scholar today who practices Islam according to Quran and Sunnah. And that doesn't decrease the importance/status of Prophet Muhammad (saw) at all, na'aoudhubillah, since every good act done according to Quran and Sunnah by a knowledgable person is naturally attributed to teachings of Quran and Sunnah, and a wise person never attributes it to his/her ownself, but says that it is from Allah (swt). Allahu Ta'ala A'lam. [quote]I can NEVER get up to the level of Iman of these people.[/quote] I gave it much thought, and couldn't resist disagreeing with it. With all due respect to great people like Rabia Basri (RA), and many others, *any* human like you and me can reach that level of eeman. One of the Names and Attributes of Allah (swt) is AlHaadi (One Who Guides). Guidance is not in our hands. It was never in the hands of humans, even if they were Prophets. If Allah can choose a person like Bilal (RA) , a black slave from Habsha to be guided to Islam, and increase his eeman to such a high level that he would speak "Ahad, Ahad" even after so much of torture, then He (awj) out of His infinite Mercy and Wisdom can choose anyone, anytime, anywhere to be guided to Islam. As for the level of eeman, Allah has given us free will, and He (awj) has not kept anyone from that free will. We sin from weaknesses of our nafs, but that doesn't mean that we can never reach a certain level of eeman. It is like as if we have been convinced by shaytaan that we are sinners, and can never reach that level of eeman, and we have already given up hope in the guidance of Allah (awj). Ideally, our life has to be a balance between hope in Allah (swt) and fear of Him (awj). Let not the hope die InshaAllah. Instead of saying words of hopelessness, that we can never reach that level of eeman, make a du'a instead, whenever these thoughts come to mind, and let us ask Allah (swt) to let us taste that sweetness of eeman before we breathe our last, that others have tasted before us (Ameen). Please feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong, and do not take this as a criticism InshaAllah. We learn from each other :). Allahu Ta'ala A'lam. Wassalamu 'Alaikum. |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/24/04 at 17:36:55 |
| AA I think I agree with most of what you say, BOI. I think what I meant was why do we need to take as our role models anyone who is said to have done beyond what the Prophet(SAW) did? So for example, Rabia (RA) is said to have asked for forgiveness for not asking for forgivenes sincerly enough. While the level of the Prophet(SAW) was to ask Allah SWT for forgiveness 100 times a day. Surely in this case it is HIS example we should try to emulate? As far as reaching levels of Iman is concerned, what I mean is that I know that due to my own laziness, I'm not going to be able to reach the levels of worship some of these people reached. So at the end of the day, they're all better than me. And may Allah guide us all. |
| NS |
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