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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/06/04 at 02:00:47 |
| Assalmu Alaikum, I am a long time lurker, first time poster. I am in need of some advice. I am currently involved in conversations with a sister, for the purpose of marriage. My question for you all is, at what point does one know whether his choice is correct or not. My focus has been to determine how much a role Islam plays in the sisters life. A few friends tell me well get to know her likes and dislikes. Is it possible to do this in a halal manner. Its not like I can date her. Unfortunately due to some short coming of my own, my istikharas have not given me a good or bad feeling. Almost as if I havent made my istikhara. I know there are a lot of young couples/singles on these forums, so help a brother out. If the sister listens to music ( I have given up alhamdullilah), is it wise to expect that she will give it up (If I try to be there for her). Am I just dreaming the impossible. A friend told me, that people dont change for other people. So newly married couples please pitch in with your 2 cents ( they might be worth a million bucks to me). Just to summarize, I am trying to figure out, when does the light bulb go off on top of my head (imagine a comic strip). I appreciate your help and answers. Jazak Allah Khair Walaikum Salam |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| amkamb |
| 02/06/04 at 13:29:10 |
| [slm], I suggest you get some feedback from the friends she hangs around with. A person can be judged by the company he or she keeps. Her friends should be able to give you a pretty good idea how much into Islam she is. Ask her to give you e-mail addresses of her friends. Marriage is serious business. Take the trouble to investigate. |
| 02/10/04 at 17:22:21 |
| amkamb |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| Barkha |
| 02/10/04 at 12:27:04 |
| [wlm] I do not know exactly what you are going through but still would like to give my 2 cents.Hope it helps insha'allah. Women do change for their husbands sooner or later,cause their priorities change along with responsibilities.Maybe you should give her more time and also continue with your istikhara,it might take some time. As for music she might give it up if you encourage her to.It also depends upon the amount of time you spend together,She will definatley not listen to music if she is with you.She will not want to displease you and graduallly if you spend a lot of time she might even give it up. Maybe you can ask her to read some Quran if she wants to listen to music so that she can gradually give it upand also earn a few rewards in the process. Hope it helps :DAnd do keep us updated.All the best [wlm] |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| Maliha |
| 02/10/04 at 14:04:38 |
| [slm] People don't change in *major* ways after marriage..like a jerk pre marriage, remains a jerk post marriage. *But* they do change in subtle ways... if you have a good person, who is kind, sweet, and open minded..even if they are not hard core Muslims, you have a base to work with. Where they might be open to becoming more spiritual and growing with you. On the other hand, if she is stubborn, set in her ways, and very dogmatic even if she is hardcore Muslim, it will cause mad issues. Continue your conversation with her and see what her thoughts are on different matters. The point is, see her willingness to grow and i think that is more important than where she might be right now, and also her basic character.... A lot of people outgrow music quickly, when they discover the beauty of Dhikr, and the sweetness of even simply listening to the vibrations of nature...but its a lot of subtle things that allow you to see whether a person is at least open to move on in that direction or not... May Allah ease your decision (Amin). I hope that somehow? helped a little? :) Sis in struggle, :-) [wlm] |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| Mossy |
| 02/10/04 at 16:33:49 |
| Salams, I would say get to know her with her friends or with a mahram present from either side (eh, it's better than nothing). Remember there are plenty of forms of music that are accepted as completely valid by just about everyone - nasheeds for example (erm, I think). See what she thinks of these and see what her current motivation behind listening to music is - it isn't the be all and end all of deen, but discovering the motivations is always good for seeing her world outlook and how it correlates to yours. In the end, nothing is certain and Allahu Alim. But he also helps those that help themselves :) Take care, Mossy |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| Shahida |
| 02/23/04 at 01:22:29 |
| [slm] [quote author=Nur_al_Layl link=board=madrasa;num=1076050847;start=0#3 date=02/10/04 at 14:04:38][slm] People don't change in *major* ways after marriage..like a jerk pre marriage, remains a jerk post marriage. *But* they do change in subtle ways... if you have a good person, who is kind, sweet, and open minded..even if they are not hard core Muslims, you have a base to work with. Where they might be open to becoming more spiritual and growing with you. On the other hand, if she is stubborn, set in her ways, and very dogmatic even if she is hardcore Muslim, it will cause mad issues. [/quote] That's an amazing piece of advice, and mashaAllah, so true. may Allah guide us to what is best for us, Salam Shahida :-) |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| cara |
| 02/23/04 at 16:35:41 |
| You never know that you have made the right choice because life is full of constant changes and to expect 2 individual persons to agree on everything is wishing for the impossible... yes people change certain things so as to make the other happy but it is a life of constant changes and not always for the best. All you can strive for is a middle ground between each other. If you contemplate on the what ifs in life time will be wasted and nothing will either be gained or lost. As for the light bulb going off if you mean 'love' that emotion is great but so over rated. Personally I don't know how you can get to know some one in the halal way as I am verry new to Islam but I would say when you do meet bring up every thing you feel strongly about and watch her reactions closely but also give her time to digest her answers. We can be over emotional sometimes and say things we wish we didn't and given time can accept changes. If she keeps refusing then there is no way your telling her over and over will change anything. A bit of my history might help. 31 and from 19 to 30 spent that time with my first and only man in my life. Lets just say it went from feeling like a little peice of heaven to a living hell. I still live in hope of happiness again but for now I accept what Allah brings me each day. I wish you the best and try not to think with your mind or heart open yourself to what Allah is trying to tell you... I hope you understand :) |
| Re: How do I know marriage choice is correct? |
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| sal |
| 02/23/04 at 16:44:56 |
| [slm] well how old is she ? matured ? if so Are you looking for what she is or what she has been ? IT must be what she is because she might had dark sides but no more of such thing . so you dont have to blame her for her past history if any that u dont like .she might be from a bad family but not like them she is not to be judged for this . If she is very young ? the matter of liking music and dancing is not such a big obstacle ,since you can feed her with some thing else she might like ,provided you give her in a very attractive way . for example listening to islamic tapes instead of music.You dont have to seek all the possitive charactors since she is human being and you should be aware you are the man to be able to lead her to the better way(she can be changed) [wlm] |
| 02/23/04 at 16:48:07 |
| sal |
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