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| The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| UmmWafi |
| 03/08/04 at 05:06:56 |
| [slm] Someone once asked me how she can separate her mind and her heart from influencing each other so that she can make a decision based solely on "facts", unimpaired by emotional considerations. I smiled and told her that if she ever found the answer to that question, she must write an idiot's guide book about it and earn millions. So many things have happened lately that totally turned my world upside down and I found myself more frequently wondering how I can separate my thoughts from my emotions so that at least I can try to find a focus space, devoid of any hurt or sadness or bewilderment. Try as I may, my emotions are always entrenched deep in my thinking process. Thus, the rollercoaster ride continues with me just staring numbly ahead, grasping hard onto the railing of safety. Two years ago, I left my hometown with so much hope in my heart and so many dreams I have not dared to dream before, setting for a ShangriLa of knowledge, a haven of all the mysteries and wealth of Islam and the Muslim thinkers. I left with my soul torn into pieces, my mind charged with thousands of thoughts and my heart pulled in all directions. With tightly gritted teeth and tears unshed, I kissed my children goodbye and set off to understand the minds of al-Ghazzali and Junaydi, the spirits of Suhrawardi and Hallaj and a million more wonders closed to me before. Days turned to months and I found my heart slowly wrinkling into a withered, spent, bleeding mess of loneliness, missing and guilt. Amidst all the difficulties, Allah SWT Showered me with His Blessings, like miraculous balms of healing that smoothly assuaged my heart of its pain. He Blessed me with Understanding and He Eased my difficulties with His Rahmah. Despite the turmoil of my heart, my mind flourished, like a starved flower receiving heavenly waters from the Hands of The Provider. Alhamdulillah....I started getting As for my papers and assignment and most importantly, within two years, I have managed to gain so much knowledge, more than I have ever gained in the 32 years I have lived before. Subhanallah.... In May this year, I would have successfully completed all coursework requirements and begin work on my thesis. I remember feeling so excited and a sense of completion. My discussions with my supervisor about possible thesis topics left me breathless with anticipation and intense happiness. Indeed, Allah SWT Knows best. Exactly two years to the date I started school, my beloved mother collapsed. All my former happiness disintegrated and fear and anxiety set in. When she was diagnosed as having cancer of the trachea, I fought wildly not to allow the panic to settle in. I have to be the strength for my mother, father and children. It's strange how you always naively think that things like cancer would never strike you in any way. Always you hear this person's sister or that person's cousin having cancer and of course you are sympathetic and all that but you are so very grateful its not any of you or your family members. When the knowledge finally sunk in that my mother has cancer and that it has spread and totally covered her whole thyroid area, I gripped my hand hard and forced myself not to cry. Because she will know. She will know I have cried and she will know that things are bad for her. For one whole week I was smiling at her, pretending to be angry with the doctors for subjecting her to a painful endoscopy, adjusting her pillows as if that would make her very comfortable when she was panting to catch her every swallow of air. I willingly paid my sanity for the ability to show her a face that says "You will be okay mom". I paid dearly. All thoughts of my school slowly fade in the flurry of doctor's consultation and more x-rays and tests. One night, after I exhaustedly collapsed onto my bed, I realised that that was to be the day I sit for my final Arabic examinations...I was too exhausted to even feel anything. Not even sadness, not even loss. After a week in the hospital, my mom was discharged while we await the doctor's plans for my mother. I am amazed at myself. I never knew I could ever be a consummate actor, cheerfully talking to my mom about the price of vegetables at the market while my whole being tensed, waiting for the doctor's call. It finally came. She has to undergo a high risk surgery that would involve removing her thyroid glands and a whole section of cartilage at her lower trachea. Until today, I still cannot remember how I managed to sit down quietly beside her and betrayed no tremor in my voice as I told her that she has to undergo surgery. After that it was nothing but a whole montage of images, of worry, of fear, of anxiety, everything. My mom survived the surgery but she will require complete rest for a few months followed by therapy for a year. I will never know how I did it but I managed to dial the number to my school and calmly informed the staff that I will be applying for study leave...indefinitely. I vaguely remember discussing my mother's condition to her in a very matter-of-factly manner. Maybe it is just my mind shutting off. Or my heart not functioning. Either way, I felt...nothing. What should I have felt ? Regret that I had to give up my studies ? But how can I feel regret if it means I can look after my beloved mother who sacrificed her life for me ? How can I feel regret if it means I am fulfilling my duty ? Should I have felt sadness ? Sadness for what ? Sadness that I can finally repay my mother for some of her love towards me ? I must be a bad person to have felt that. And yet....the emotions I have within me, knowing that I only had 3 months left to my course and now....I guess I can only say that I felt loss. A huge, deep sense of immesurable loss for what has been and what could have been. Finally the tears came. All those nights I lay crying, missing my children immensely. All those sacrifices my husband made for me, forgoing so many things just so I can go to school. All the confusion my parents felt at having to see their grandkids without a mother and yet bravly supporting them with love and care...everything, I felt, was meant to end in nothing. I cried tears of grief. As in all other difficult situations, I have worn my knees in prayers, begging Allah SWT to Grant me patience and strength. I have asked Him what His Message is for me. What was I supposed to learn Ya Rabb ? Where did I go wrong ? What did You want me to learn ? I am still asking...for the wisdom and understanding of His Rahmah for me. I still don't understand why my studies was snatched from me just mere months from completion but I am learning to accept. That is the only thing I can do. Indeed, Allah SWT is Most Merciful and Most Gracious. In the midst of my despair, He Has Shone His Love very brightly on me. Struggling as I am with so many difficulties, immersed so deep in my quagmire of hopelessness, He Gave me His Answer. I have a new life growing inside me now...a heavenly sign of rebirth, renew and reaffirmation. Allahu akbar. Wassalam. |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| Lil_Sista |
| 03/08/04 at 07:23:16 |
| [slm] Masha Allah!!! that was nice, sister. I do learn something from ur post, jazakillah! :-) |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 03/08/04 at 07:53:17 |
| [slm] Ohhhhhh subhan'Allaah...... :) I felt very emotional when I read ur post sis, and subhan'Allaah u have a lot of strength to have dealt with that all. I pray ur mother has some peace as well as u all, and I pray u guys have even more strength to help u get through everything else that may follow. Congrats on the new addition :) There is always a reason to everything, but it isn't necessarily revealed to us nor is it necessarily important for us to know :) Wish u peace sis, ** |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| Maliha |
| 03/08/04 at 08:46:43 |
| [slm] my dear Sunshine Soul Sis :-) Subhana Allah..such is a life, amidst the valleys of hopelessness, rays of light find their way... Amidst the concrete jungles of this world, little buds of life creep up, blossoming unawares of all the madness around them. Amidst the wintry death of a season, all it takes is the sun's embrace for all of life to rise again, chirping, enthusiastic, another season of being..another endless reason to Praise the One. I feel the pain of your ordeal, yet don't weep my dear sis. For what is knowledge, save that which lights our hearts in moments of grief...aids us to stay firm on the path, when others would have forgotten, fallen, despaired. Allah gives us what we need (not want) in little parcels, like gifts hidden amidst stormy clouds lining our hearts with the blessings of simply being. He gives us more than we can anticipate, showering us, overwhelming the Qalb into bursts of surrender...what is knowledge, save that which helps us to Remember? I know it is hard, but who said this life was supposed to be easy? Yet, He promised that He will only give us what we can bear. Every soul has a different capacity, and surely those He loves the most will be tried the most. Surely the Prophets, Shuhadaa, and the Truthful Ones were tested so much more than any human can begin to conceive, do we yearn to be part of their blessed caravan without undergoing the necessary purification? We were never created for this world, and what puts me on the edge of panic, is the uncertainty of my station in the next. For what else can keep the tears of the soul pouring, save the dreadful awareness that maybe...maybe i will not quite be amongst the blessed. That maybe my deeds have been for naught, tainted as they are by the many shahawat, riyaa, and imbedded illnesses that only He who hides our inner secrets of secrets Knows...but those thoughts can't last...for momentarily my soul collapses under the weight of its own guilt. I pray for you my dear sis...I pray for your strength of being, for the patience you need, for the vibrancy of spirit that keeps you going and smiling, and joking even in the midst of your darkest nights. I pray for your sweetest pearls, the little sunshines that pour forth an extension of your blessed rays...I pray for your family, loved ones, for our union..that if not in this world, then surely in the realm of bliss, when all these struggles will seem like a distant dream...(Amin). [i]"And those who feared their Lord will be led to the Garden in crowds: until behold, they arrive there; its gates will be opened; and its keepers will say: "Peace be upon you! well have ye done! enter ye here, to dwell therein." They will say: "Praise be to God, Who has truly fulfilled His Promise to us, and has given us (this) land in heritage: We can dwell in the Garden as we will: how excellent a reward for those who work (righteousness)!" [39:74-75][/i] I love you Fillah, your sis in struggle, Maliha [wlm] |
| 03/08/04 at 08:52:01 |
| Maliha |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| theOriginal |
| 03/08/04 at 22:02:36 |
| [slm] Oh my goodness....sis UmmWafi, can I tell you how much I love you? You're so cool. How cool? ICE cool! heh. *hugglez* Wasalaam. |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| rkhan |
| 03/09/04 at 00:11:52 |
| [slm] sis Umm Wafi we don't know each other very well, but I'd like to share this with you: The Prophet SAW said: Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. For if he has an occasion for delight he thanks (Allaah), thus there is good in it, and if he gets trouble and shows patience, there is good for him in it.” [Muslim] May Allaah swt shower you and your family with His Mercy and ease all your affairs…many duas… |
| Re: The Hidden and the Obvious |
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| Halima |
| 03/09/04 at 03:00:48 |
| Sis UmmWafi, Thanks for sharing your story and all that you went through for the sake of your dear beloved mother. You might not know it, but your experience is similar to what I have gone through a different time at a different place. But the emotions are all the same. The anxiety, the fear, the questions, etc. Yet what is so unique is the ability to pull through adversity with the Grace of Allah (SWT). You do not plan to be strong. You don't even know that you are strong till something like this happens. And your love for your parent makes you take stock and you become the parent just as they were to you all these years of growing up hence your sense of responsibility kicks in. You try to make their suffering easier. And you deep into a reserve of strength that you have had that makes you move through each day with hope and prayer. By the end of it all, you wonder how you made it through and if that was really you. And you thank Allah (SWT) for His Mercy. [quote]Indeed, Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala is Most Merciful and Most Gracious. In the midst of my despair, He Has Shone His Love very brightly on me. Struggling as I am with so many difficulties, immersed so deep in my quagmire of hopelessness, He Gave me His Answer. I have a new life growing inside me now...a heavenly sign of rebirth, renew and reaffirmation. Allahu akbar.[/quote] Indeed, everything happens for a reason. Your studies were cut short. The reason being your mother's illness. But in the process, a new life is growing inside you. So, for the disappointment of not completing your studies and all the anguish on your mother's condition, you are blessed with a new addition to your life. The beautiful part is that you realized this and have accepted it. Hence you are able to move forward and INSHA-ALLAH, you will complete your studies when the time comes. You will be in our prayers and thoughts. Wishing you all the best. Halima |
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