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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| SKYISH |
| 03/20/04 at 01:03:48 |
| as salamualaikum -- sisters, hope all's well with everyone. i have spent quite a bit of time browsing thru the problems and worries presented on this message board. alhamdulillah n i'm glad i have this space to ask questions and find answers from responsible pplz... something's been bothering me for quite some time... alhamdulillah, i wear a hijab and i started part-time work as a tutor recently - get there by bus. there is another girl there who works alongside of me (non-muslim). the manager of the tutoring school is muslim, but from what i've seen, i don't think he's very practicing ( came to know from the girl who works with me, and i have seen, his girlfriend... don't see him praying -- maghrib prayer comes during the after-school tutoring hours...) the problem -- the manager did this once and i think, technically, he shouldn't offer me a ride home after the tutoring is done, cuz he knows i'm a muslim and i know he's one too. regardless, even if he was a non-muslim guy and he offered me a ride home, then what would be a good reply to give him, without me being rude or having to spend extra time there to explain to him the reasons why i couldn't go with him... i think he was just being nice/courteous and offered the ride... but, quite frankly, i did not like the manner in which i responded to him. just blurted out a rushed "no" ... got all nervous (prolly my face was red too)... and practically almost ran out of the place. he shows respect at work though, like he did not extend his hand to shake mine when i first walked in for the interview... keeps a distance when he talks to me and the other tutor. i don't know -- it's something not very big, but i guess it was because i haven't been in that situation before... i think i was rude and i don't wanna be mean to anyone at a place where i'm employed -- cuz i know some guys like my brothers can get offended/upset at the very teeniest of things/comments that i could care least about... so, sisters, if at all the situation comes up at this place or any other, how would u (suggest i) respond to it as a mature, educated person? i guess i'd like to hear from the brothers as well - if they come across this question... inshaAllah... was salaam. |
| 03/20/04 at 10:58:13 |
| Kathy |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| Mona |
| 03/20/04 at 11:12:11 |
| [slm] sis, what you did was RIGHT. Don't beat up on yourself. He should have known better. A simple NO gets the message loud an clear. Try to keep your distance from this guy. From now on, try to get your father or a relative to pick you up. If that's not possible, please try to have another girl wait with you at the bust station. take care Mona |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| your_sister |
| 03/20/04 at 11:26:33 |
| Salam sis It was an awkward situation that you were not expecting because he is a Muslim. Even if he wasn't men should use their heads and not offer. You reacted ok to the situation. So many of us would have reacted the same. I went with my mum to see her male Dr. and I did not shake his hand when he offered it. Like I cover and everything. But I could not find the words to say anything to him, and it really wasn't the place. I met the same Dr. like three times and I hated being rude, but he kept putting his hand out. What can you do? Your intention is good. Just have to keep going and do what you have to do, and try not to mind their feelings. If they had sense they would know better. Your sister in Islam |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| Caraj |
| 03/20/04 at 12:28:31 |
| Don't sweat it, Could of just said something to the effect, "Being Muslim, brother you should know it would be most inappropriate for me to accept a ride with an unrelated male. However I thank you for your kindness but I cannot accept. Have a nice day" |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| SKYISH |
| 03/20/04 at 17:16:27 |
| salaam, jazakumAllah khayr for the replies sisterz... it's a relief after reading ur posts. May Allah ta'ala protect us from evil at all times, in all it's forms. ameen. with regard to shaking hands with men who extend theirs first, many times i just sit there and think what i should say, what would be the best thing... or how i could minimize the awkwardness of the situation for both people. maybe we could just say it. just say that "i can't shake ur hand"... whoa ... watch that being more awkward. but that would be different from "i don't wanna shake ur hand." -- which is a thought that prolly crosses the other person's mind. and then if needed, we could give a brief reply as to why we can't. most ppl (non-muslims) just don't know that muslim men and women are forbidden from touching non-mahrams... but some do, and they still do it (try to shake hands)... and whatever is the matter with that Dr, sis your_sister, that he extends his hand every time! doen't he get the hint ! ::) and sis azizah, i'll be better next time, inshaAllah, and know exactly what i would say to him... but the problem is(was), when i get nervous, like most of us, i can't think ... should u ask me my name, i wouldn't know... anyhow, thanx much for the replies, i really appreciate it. was salaam. :) |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| MIT |
| 03/22/04 at 05:31:26 |
| as-salaamu alaikum I would say that if you really feel that he offered you a lift out of courtesy and nothing else, a simple "no thanks" is sufficient. You can't really blame someone for being courteous especially when they might not know better. But as Mona suggests, you should try to get someone to pick you up, so that you can avoid being put in this situation again. |
| NS |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| Kathy |
| 03/22/04 at 08:49:30 |
| [slm] In my young Muslim days, I remember offering a Muslim man a ride home after a meeting. I just did not know better, then. He just declined, in the nicest way, without giving a reason. I never thought twice about it, until a learning curve later. I remember once seeing a brother on a street corner and waiting for a bus, with no shelter, that I knew would not come for another half hour. It was raining and freezing. I did not stop because I just was so not sure what to do. It still bothers me that I did not stop. I think if I was single, I may have- being much older than him-, but being married, it just added a whole new dimension on the scene. I am not saying that single women should...just what was going thru my mind. |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| MIT |
| 03/22/04 at 11:43:22 |
| as-salaamu alaikum Kathy, thats interesting; i had something like that happen to me a few years ago. A sister had borrowed some software from me and when it came time to return it, she said that she would be coming near my area to see a friend and i could meet her at some location and take it from her (on the street, not in a club if anyone is wondering). When i got there it was late evening, and she lived quite far away and would have taken public transport to go home. So i offered her a lift, partly out of courtesy, and partly knowing that public transport isn't always the best place to be in the evenings for a practising Muslimah. She accepted, and i dropped her home, and basically, thats the end of the story. |
| NS |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| al-ajnabia |
| 03/22/04 at 12:01:30 |
| [slm] That sounds like a lesser of two evils story. There is a lot of evidence that the lesser of two evils is to be prefered to a "stirct" interpretation that leaves a person in a bad place alone. It is sad when people who understand about the lesser of two evils are lumped togeather with the "luke warm" muslims and the so called "modernists" When it is thought about in context, Well I ride the bus and there are many times when I have found myslef alone at the bus stop with non muslim men or alone on the bus with several non muslim men. But my Imaan is just not strong enough to set alone in a dark room till I die just because ther is no mahram to drive me around or get me what I need. Why is it only "modernists" take it upon themselfs to decry such views? Arent there any traditionalist who can come up with real viable and islamic solutions to single women and their need to make their own way until a suitable non-abusive husband can be found? |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| Trustworthy |
| 03/24/04 at 01:40:57 |
| [slm] Ask him...what would your girlfreind say if she us together in your car? Just kidding....*runs and ducks for cover* You never know anyone's intention and these guys gave great advice. Ma-asalama..... |
| Re: problem- {man offering me a ride home} |
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| speedy786 |
| 04/07/04 at 11:11:32 |
| [slm] Although the situation you described is possibly embaressing (depending on ur reaction) it is not all that complicated. If anyone asks you to do anything which you feel is not possible for watever reason, religious or other, whether this be the offer of a handshake or a lift home, rather then just saying 'no' and walking of as some have suggested would it not be better to take advantage of this situation for dawah and explaining why you would have to refuse their offer in a well manered, thoughtful and respectful way. This has the benefits of: 1.Letting the other person know in no uncertain terms that you cannot accept their offer for any reason or at anytime. saves you hassle in the future (the doctor and his handshake). 2.The other person may come to respect both you and your actions and this may create a desire in him/her to investigate your religion further. And if he/she is a muslim may embaress them into re-evaluating their own actions. 3.Also this way you do not come off as bad mannered and/or disrespectful. What we must remember at all times is that everyfing we do can be and shud be based on islam as exemplified by the prophet of Allah [saw] and he was the most best mannered and most respectful of all people and at all time and situations. Let us learn from his examples. [wlm] PS. sorry if i come of as preaching not my intention |
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