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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry Her 90%} |
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| mujaahid4ever |
| 03/20/04 at 15:18:29 |
| [slm] Sisters i really need your advice, and if any brothers are reading this, i could do with your advice also! I have recently been introduced to a practising muslimah by a friend, who felt we would be a suitable match. We exchanged emails, and then met each other after speaking on the phone, obviously meeting with a wali present. We got on very well, i really liked her personality, she is very strong, assertive, and practising. She is not amazingly good looking, but i wud say nice looking. I have met her 3 times now and each time have found her more attractive than the last. She is also a house wife type and looks after kids as her job, a nursery nurse type thing and once married wants to be a housewife. I've wanted to get married now for about 4 years and in the past such a girl would have seemed the dream girl. But now that she has come along, i feel uncertain! Why is this? is this just nervs about becoming someones husband after being single all my life? I'm about 90% sure i want to marry this girl, so why do i have that 10% of doubts?!! Did anyone else feel doubtful/worried before marriage but later felt deifferent once they eventually married?! any advise will be greatly appreciated and will be rewarded with a free Qibla Cola [] maasalaamah m4e |
| 03/22/04 at 08:37:30 |
| Kathy |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!! |
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| your_sister |
| 03/20/04 at 16:50:07 |
| Salam I've never been married, but if you are like 90% sure then I would put the rest down to nerves. You can't seem to come with a good reason why you shouldn't marry her. If the 10% of doubts was that significant then you would have come up with some serious things to worry about. But no REAL worries is there? You haven't been married before, so perfectly natural to worry about it and hesitate over such a big decision. But looks to me like you should go for it. But of course pray to Allah and ask Him for guidance which I am sure you are doing. Hope it works out, inshallah. |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!! |
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| SKYISH |
| 03/20/04 at 16:56:07 |
| wa'alaikum assalam , mashaAllah, it's good to know that u like her so. just wanted to share some thoughts and experiences... i'm not married yet, nor is there anyone as of yet ... but the topic is discussed at home on and off...and i myself think about the topic a lot... i guess the uncertainty u have felt partly does come from getting the reality-check that u are going to be married to this girl ... u are going to live with her... u will be starting life in a new direction... u are going to be responsible for her, u are going to have to provide for her... take care of her and the kids ( both of u)..., if and how u both will be living -with ur family or without, if she will adjust well into ur family ...etc etc... i guess the nervousness is normal ... but u didn't mention anything about istikharah. u've done that, rite? it's always different with everyone, i've done istikharah a few times before, i dont know much. but something that i've been told by a sister (who performed the prayer for a bro and later married the same brother) is that there is this good feeling u will have... a strong positive feeling when u think about the person ...u feel that u want to go ahead with it. people talk of having dreams too, which would symbolize a good feeling or a bad one. i once did istikharah and saw something which i think was immensely beautiful from my perspective... but eventually, it didnot work out. so i think sometimes afer doing istikharah, it may be possible that u feel good about making a certain decision ... but then in the end, things won't work out as u had envisioned them to. dunno ... Allahu 'alam ... u definitely should ask Allah ta'ala for guidance, pray a lot ... esp. tahajjud... and ask that He, from His wisdom, gives u what is best for u, and along with that, also gives u patience and happiness in accepting what u get. inshaAllah, u will get peace of mind soon. was salaam. :) |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!! |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 03/21/04 at 21:54:42 |
| [slm] I also say do istikhara and Go with God :) May Allah (swt) do what is best for you. |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| Barr |
| 03/24/04 at 21:29:38 |
| [wlm] warahmatullah, Dear brother, I hope my response is not too late, inshaAllah. Alhamdulillah, she seems to be a good sister. And though I can understand the doubts that you are going through, suggestions for istikharah is a good way out, as others have suggeted. Another important point that we have to remember is that amongst the many dynamics of istikharah and the process of marriage, is the presence of shaitan. One of the things that Shaitan hates most is the setting up of a Muslim family. If the sister is soleh, fulfils and satisfies you in deen, then, be aware of the whispers of shaitan that would pull you away from her. Nevertheless, keep on doing your istikharah, take your time to know the guidance of Allah through your qalb, and the whispers of shaitan through your nafs. And lastly, have trust in Allah. If it is meant to be, Allah would make it easy for you. And if it is not, He will take it away from you, eventhough you had a good initial feeling abt it. Allahua'lam. |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| timbuktu |
| 03/25/04 at 04:26:53 |
| [slm] This needs an input from me, for no one else has had the insight or courage to ask this Q: marry 90%. how can you be married in percentages? I mean I am married 100% to my wife. couldn't give her less even if I wanted. either you are married 100%, or you are not married at all. :) |
| 03/25/04 at 19:41:36 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| mujaahid4ever |
| 03/25/04 at 06:13:08 |
| [slm] First of all, Jazaakullahir khair for everyone that has responded to me in this time of need. I have made Istikarah now for two days. And please forgive my ignorance but what is supposed to happen now? what signs do i look for? Sister Barr I have thought long and hard over the future, about whether i want to marry a girl for her beauty, or marry her for her personality, as you rarely get both in one girl. I have decided that i am going to go for personality over looks, although looks do still matter to a certain extent. But personality is what really matters in the end, as looks will always fade with time, but its not even about looks fading. Its nice looking at a beautiful face, but than what if i dont really get on well with the girl, like dont share many interests, dont really have much to talk about, so than what use would great looks be than? So personality and iman and future plans will overide the physical aspect (although looks do matter!) Timbuktu I'm not even married 90% to her yet! But inshllah when i do marry her, it will be 90%, the other 10% (known as the nagging/whinging/whining bit) i'm not marrying! [wlm] |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| Trustworthy |
| 03/25/04 at 21:49:58 |
| [slm] If your Istikhara is heartfelt then it will be answered insha-Allah. Bro Timbuktu is correct. You need to be married to her 100% or else the 10% that you're not willing to give her will make your marraige fall apart. Have patience. It will come. May Allah Bless.... Ma-assalama....... |
| 03/25/04 at 21:51:15 |
| Trustworthy |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| timbuktu |
| 03/25/04 at 22:29:07 |
| [slm] brother m4e You don't look for any signs, just forget about it, and your heart will settle down to one option as a result of the istikhara, insha`Allah. |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| Emerald |
| 03/25/04 at 23:10:06 |
| As-salaam aleikum Bro. Mujahid, I may be a little late in saying this but here goes anyway. It's completely ok to have doubts. I think it's interesting though that you rated your feeling 90% sure she was the one. Alhamdullilah. I think you know the answer but the whole idea of marraige is scary for you. Just know that we ae all human and no one is 100% perfect and you will NEVER find someone the way you want 100%. It's impossible. We all are meant to be different so we can balance each other out and fill in the gaps where others might have...and vice versa. Anyway about the istikhara, I remember when my hand was being asked in marraige by my husband, I made it. I didn't see any "sign" or nothing expected like that BUT the next time me and him spoke, I just blurted out "OK". Later I thought about it and thought, huh?! How could I just say yes without REALLY thinking it through. But that was the sign. It happened as if it were not my own free will to say it yet it was. It just rolled off my tongue and I knew that that's how you know it's naseeb. Plus you feel your heart is at ease and that doubt fade away. Emerald |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| Barr |
| 03/31/04 at 12:43:28 |
| [slm] Dear Br Mujahid, Thank you for sharing with us your thought processes. May Allah give you what is best. Ameen. As for signs... personally, for me... its the deep peace and tranquility that I felt inside my heart. That's the topmost sign that I had when I was doing istikharah for my marriage, alhamdulillah. As for my other istikharahs for other things... Apart from feeling at peace with a certain choice, I hv also proceeded with things when I did not feel any clear negative indications against it. Allahua'lam |
| 03/31/04 at 12:45:37 |
| Barr |
| Re: SISTERS I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!!!{Should I Marry |
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| se7en |
| 03/31/04 at 13:10:49 |
| as salaamu alaykum, here are some links to some awesome discussions we've had in the past on istikhara :) [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1037212481;start=0]The right time for istikhara[/url] (check out the links sr. barr put up also!) [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1027445673]How to perform istikhara[/url] hope these are helpful, insha'Allah :) wasalaamu alaykum |
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