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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| They Grow too Fast |
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| Kathy |
| 03/26/04 at 08:55:25 |
| [slm] :-[ Conversation with my nine year old: :-) ;-) Just as I am kissing him goodnight: ;-)Ali: Mom I gotta ask you something. Mom: It is time to sleep we can talk in the morning. (Mom can't wait to get him in bed...she needs her quiet time!) ;) ;-)Ali: Mom the 'Hottest' girl in the class likes me. :-) :o (Mom, trying to keep a straight face, as emotions of amusement, fear, shock and disbelief over come her at the same time. How does he know what 'hot' is? >:(What is he picking up at school and who is he hanging out with? And what kind of advice should I give him? and who dares make eye on my baby? He is only nine. where is that chasity belt?) ::) :-)Mom: (speaking very calmly, so that her son will have no fear of approaching her in the future with concerns, sits on the bed and decides that she is giving up her quiet time) What do you mean? ;-)Ali: Well she likes me, and I don't like her. What can I do to make her not like me? :-)Mom: (Mom flashes to a nine year olds mind and is afraid of the :'(braids in the inkwell scenerio) Well honey, it is a problem you will have the rest of your life. (so then I go into the fact that he is nice and handsome, but more so that women are attracted to Muslim men because of thier manners and strong family values. I told him he should still be nice a pleasant and into the whole dawah by example thing.) ;-)Ali: (understands) What do I do when ( please note.. not 'if' but 'when') she asks me out? :-)Mom: (thinking ...the hussy ;)) just tell her your mom won't let you. That way it is my fault and not yours, it will spare her feelings. ;-)Ali: Ok, that is good. good night... Mom leaves his room, sits down, looks at dad and decides to spare him... First thing this morning: :-) Mom: What does "hot" mean? (figured he would respond better if he was 'teaching' her, he does not know she has been up since witr prayers worried to death that he comprehends the definition) ;-) Ali: Just means all the kids like her. :-) Mom (phew... he is still nine :)...but not much longer... :'() |
| 03/26/04 at 09:00:17 |
| Kathy |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/26/04 at 09:40:06 |
| AA Whoa! Good luck to you Kathy. But let me tell you, 9 isn't too young. My five year old (will be six in April), Sabeen, is very pretty mashallah. And the mother of a six year old boy who lives a couple of doors away in our complex, and who always wants to play with her, told my wife that "Steven has a crush on your daughter". Any advice? |
| NS |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| Mona |
| 03/27/04 at 17:12:28 |
| [slm] [quote] My five year old (will be six in April), Sabeen, is very pretty mashallah. And the mother of a six year old boy who lives a couple of doors away in our complex, and who always wants to play with her, told my wife that "Steven has a crush on your daughter". Any advice? [/quote] Ummm.... boarding school? Six year olds is considered very kiddo, so you have nothing to fear. I thought boys at that age considered girls icky, no ??? But it is kinda an awkward situation. I was watching Oprah the other day and they were talking about kids and ...you know what, at school. It was very disturbing. So parents, watch out!! [wlm] |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| jannah |
| 03/27/04 at 18:45:45 |
| [wlm] just heard recently of some boys at an islamic school in canada that were expelled for viewing pornography on the school computers!! and get this, they were SIXTH graders.. who are we going to blame? the teachers? the parents? the kids? i just think some parents need to wake up. they are totally in denial or just cannot comprehend the fact that kids are exposed to way more stuff we ever were. every child knows about sex at the age of 13.. believe me they do. i think it's important not to deny or avoid what ur kids are going through.. i think Kathy did a good thing.. bite the bullet and talk to them about these things and advise them. if you don't, they WILL learn about it somewhere else and pick up those other people's values about it in the process. i know so many parents that are so messed up but dump their kids at the islamic school expecting the school to raise their children to be good muslims. teachers can only do so much. they can teach the kids one thing but their home environment and what the family teaches them is much stronger than the lectures they get at mosque. about the kids....someone told me all guys must have at least once viewed porn out of curiosity.. true? i hope not. i think there is a great point about teaching why things are done and their meanings. The school should probably also have a sex-ed class to circumvent this kind of stuff. something that tells them how pornography is exploitation and wrong etc etc. but im sure they have alot of parents that want to pretend their kids don't need this. |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| Trustworthy |
| 03/28/04 at 02:53:22 |
| [slm] I feel you. Try raising a nine year old daughter who wants to be like her older cousins who are 13 turning 26. Oh the drama novells I can write. If it was possible, I'd send her to a boarding school in Mecca. :'( Ma-assalama.... |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| Kathy |
| 03/28/04 at 07:29:08 |
| [quote author=The humble muslim link=board=sis;num=1080309325;start=0#1 date=03/26/04 at 09:40:06]"Steven has a crush on your daughter". Any advice?[/quote] [slm] I am sorry, Humble Muslim, I can not remember your origin of birth. If you are an American, you are well aware of the following, if not... you may be surprised: At this age of development, 5-7, kids begin to wonder about the differences in the other gender's body. It is not uncommon for kids to play "I will show you yours, if you show me mine." Parents will erronously leave little school mates alone, in another room. If they are opposite sex, this is not a good idea. Boys and girls will have crushes on each other. Especially if encouraged. That mother may be thrilled that her son has a new 'girlfriend.' His uncles and aunts are probably lovingly teasing him about it. So the boy may start to look at her in the eyes of a 6 year old, but the influence of a 30 year old. Here is where the danger lyes. What we need to do, is to teah our children how to handle this. It is going to happen, and you can not stop it. We need to empower them. The girls need to have a very strong connection with their dads and feel sooooo verrrry loved by daddy. This will be their sheild, that we parents can build for them. Making massive duas should not be ignored at this time! Like Jannah said, most parents think 'Not my kid!" I have run into a couple of these parents myself, who are so ostrich like. There head is completely buried in the sand, for some reason they do not know their butt is so exposed! I see their kids at school. And I think :o. If this new generation falls apart, it will be us who will be accountable to Allah swt. |
| NS |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| jaihoon |
| 03/28/04 at 14:29:07 |
| [quote author=jannah link=board=sis;num=1080309325;start=0#3 date=03/27/04 at 18:45:45][wlm] teachers can only do so much. they can teach the kids one thing but their home environment and what the family teaches them is much stronger than the lectures they get at mosque..[/quote] Good reading. This is very much true. I heard the same thing from a muslim lady politician's speech at a local body from my home country. Jaihoon |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| theOriginal |
| 03/28/04 at 15:27:12 |
| [slm] I went to American schools abroad all my life, but it was only when I came to Canada that I realized first graders have "crushes" on people their own age. I don't know sis Kathy, but I think it's highly unnatural. Being curious about the body is a different thing altogether, but these little kids haven't even formed emotionally to know what a "crush" is. When a five year old kid takes an affinity to a child of the same age, of the opposite sex, it can hardly be classified as a crush. But I find people over here say it to their kids over and over and over again. It's such...an interruption to healthy living. It cannot be a cultural difference, that makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean don't you guys remember getting your cootie shots when you were in first grade (circle circle dot dot....)??!!! I had to do that every day BEFORE playing tag with the boys in my class, otherwise the girls wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. FIRST GRADE?!!!! That's about cursive and telling time. Cute erasers and annoying leggings. Making friends of EITHER gender. Learning how to roller blade. No crushes. Wasalaam. |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| al-ajnabia |
| 03/28/04 at 16:49:41 |
| [slm] I think the knowing of when awareness of the diferences develops is good,because people remember best what they are taught about a thing when that thing is new to them, and if children learn the right way of relations from someone they trust and are certain of in terms of love and good intentions they will always have this understanding deep inside somewhere, wheter in the future they are brainwashed or even if their situation is such that nothing in it reminds them of the right way to be. |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| M.F. |
| 03/28/04 at 16:54:20 |
| Wow ma sha Allah sister Kathy you handled it admirably!!!!! I think I might have burst out laughing or said something really stupid but ma sha Allah that was really great, especially on the spur of the moment like that, I bet it's a scenario you'd never thought to rehearse for! For those who can't believe that kids that young can have crushes... I remember having crushes ever since I was in 4th grade, maybe even before that but I can't remember back that far ::)... But you also have to remember that sometimes parents label just regular interest in someone as a crush, therebye twisting the whole thing to fit their adult (mis) comprehension of things. Speaking of how fast they grow up, my 10 and a half moth old Abdullah can now say "Awwah" and started to make sujood a few weeks ago when we pray. (he also says Mama including to refer to his dad and very small cousin and everyone else he loves)... awwwwwww :'( |
| 03/28/04 at 16:59:42 |
| M.F. |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| UmmWafi |
| 03/29/04 at 00:06:46 |
| [slm] As a mother, naturally my mind and my heart are constantly beset by worries. At the superficial level, my worries consist of things like, are we providing enough to see to their needs, are we doing enough to make sure they are good in their studies etc. However, the things that make me often lay awake at nights are issues like how do I bring them up as good Muslims in this very fickle world full of fitnah and whisperings of shaytaan ? How can I make my values more attractive than the ones they learn from friends outside ? How do I educate them such that their decisions reflect their stand as obedient Muslims ? Sometimes, when I think too much about these, I ask myself...am I a good mother ? sigh... As sister JustOne said, at 9, my main pre-occupation was to conquer the swing at the playground near school. One of my closest friend had managed to swing hers till its nearly parallel to the iron bar ahead and I have to beat that record. Oh heck, at 16 I still find boys who whistled at me gross and repulsive (being a tomboy helps I guess ;) ). Now, as sis Huda has mentioned, the social environment is very different. My son is born with goldilock-ish curls (which I religiously trim as soon as I see the first sign of a curl), a deep dimple on each cheek and a smile that makes you think of ripe cherries (do I sound nauseatingly motherish ? :P ). Since he was a baby, he has always attracted attention, especially of the female kind. If his cheeks can speak, they most prolly would say stop pinching me already. Of course, ever since he started school, I have been anxiously looking out for signs of such female attentions. True enough, my fears were confirmed. Early this year (he is in primary 2 this year), he came home and told me that a girl gave him a letter after class. I gulped and breathed deeply. I told him that letters are personal but because he is my son and because I care very much for him, I would very much like to share in any developments in his life. I asked him if he would like to share the letter with me. Thankfully he said yes. I steadied my trembling hands and unfolded the accursed missive. In it, the cheeky brat wrote " Wafi, you are cute. I like you. Do you want to be my boyfriend? ". My voice got stuck in my throat for a moment and I fought an overwelming urge to throw the letter. Our conversation is as follow : :-) : Do u understand what Julia is saying ? ;-) : Yes, she likes me :-) : How do u feel abt that ? ;-) : Its nice that someone likes you. :-) : So, do u think you would wanna be her boyfriend ? ;-) : I don't know. What does a boyfriend mean and what do I have to do ? :-) : A boyfriend usually means more than just like. It means she wants you to like her more than anyone else. Also, it means she wants you to be with her most of the time. Do u understand ? ;-) : Yes. Umm..but Ummi, I like you more than her. I like Solehah more than her. And the boys will laugh if I play with her all the time. :-) : So, what do u think u wanna do ? ;-) : I dont want to be her boyfriend because...I don't know. :-) : Shall I tell you something ? (He nodded). When we are born, Allah also made for us a special someone. When abah was born, Allah made for him Ummi so that when we grow up we will find each other and we will marry. That is why Ummi never had a boyfriend until Ummi married abah. The same goes for you. When you were born sweetheart, Allah has made for you a special girl whom you will marry when you grow up. There is no need to have girlfriends and boyfriends because then you might be with someone who Allah has not made for you and you will be unhappy. Can you understand ? (I then showed him surah ar-Rum) (At this juncture, I prayed so hard he understood). ;-) : I understand Ummi. Will you help me look for my special girl when I grow up ? (I was so relieved I just nodded and hugged him). As parents we must be pro-active. I have vigorously started scanning all children programmes they like for concepts and behaviours I don't agree with. I make sure I point out those negative influences. (Eg. in Barney, the kids usually hold hands and hug each other at the end. I have to tell them that Muslims don't hug people of the opposite sex etc..). I don't allow them to watch tv programmes outside the ones I approve. I installed softwares that restrict pornography and questionable materials from being accessed via internet. Most importantly, I talk to them at every bedtime (except nowadays they find it gross that I am often interrupted by bouts of vomitting). I wish there is a formula for successful parenting but there isn't. We can only do our best and pray. Last week, Solehah came back from her madrasah and told me that a boy named Haziq told her friend that he thinks Solehah is cute. Sigh......they are only 5. My husband's reaction to all these ? "That's it ! Solehah is wearing niqab the moment she reaches puberty". Although he said that in jest at that time, I now see him look at her worriedly from time to time. Sigh.....a group of dervishes once settled in a remote and isolated island for the main purpose of 'ibadah and they called the island 'abadan. They wanted to be able to worship in peace. I wish I have my own 'abadan to bring up my children.. Wassalam |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| rkhan |
| 03/29/04 at 00:54:59 |
| [slm] Don’t want to sound clichéd here…but isn’t the most obvious way out segregated classes/schools? I studied in a convent run by French nuns so obviously everything was suitably aseptic …they did give us a book on body functions and reproduction around age 10-12…it remember thinking it was well written bcoz it spoke of God and the wonderful human design and how we mustn’t abuse our bodies to go against His purpose…don’t know if we hv anything like that from a Muslim perspective. My son goes to a British school with segregated classes…the bus isn’t segregated tho…he came back one day all pink with pleasure coz the cute li’l girl in the red sweater sat with him and shared her MnMs with him…..I had alarm bells going off all over…inshallah he has only one more year of that and then it’s all male …and hopefully all good.. :) |
| Re: They Grow too Fast |
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| tq |
| 03/31/04 at 14:48:48 |
| Assalamo elikuim Mashallah Sr.Kathy and Sr.UmmWafi, you both were great. I learned a great deal from both of you since I am starting to get questions like these :) I always tell my boys (9 and 6) that Muslims dont have boyfriends and girlfriend i..e boys have only boy friends and girls have only girl friend but ofcourse we respect both gender etc etc. So one time we were watching Spongebob square pants 's episode in which Sandy and spongebob sort of went on a date, and my younger one said that "Muslims dont go on date , only boys go with boys on date and girls go with girls on date " :) :) Waslam tq |
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