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Need marriage help [husband never home]
Anonymous
03/29/04 at 01:25:04
Asalaamu alaikum Sisters
 I have been married for nearly two years now.  Lately, though, it has not been very
good.  My husband and I are both students, he is graduating this semester and I will
graduate next year.  I am also working (by choice), but he doesn't work because he is too busy
with school, but he has money coming each month from overseas, so he does support us.  I
don't know why I am not happy, exactly, maybe I am just being silly or overly sensitive.  
But let me tell you what's going on.  My husband is hardly ever home.  Of course, that is
partly due to his class schedule, but not entirely.  Even when he is not in classes, he
doesn't come home until very late because he goes to sit with his friends or he stays in
the library.  Sometimes he doesn't come until I am ready to go to sleep.  We haven't gone
out and done something together in so long that I don't even remember the last time.  
Even if we are both home, we don't even sit together.  When he is home, I feel like we argue
alot.  Sometimes its about food (I hardly ever cook these days, because he comes home so
late, so then he complains because I don't cook), sometimes its about other stupid stuff.  
We have arguements sometimes because he smokes cigarrettes and I want him to stop.  Every
time I remind him that our sheikh said its haram, he gets mad at me.  I've been thinking
a little bit about ending our marriage, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.  
Please, help me sisters...I don't know what to do.
Re: Need marriage help [husband never home]
Kathy
03/29/04 at 09:16:45
[slm]

I think alot of men go through this stage...

Many are still connected to the single life and the buddies that come along with it. I had this problem to, for a long time. They really enjoy hanging out with the guys.

Some things I worked on. But I will use your examples. He knows smoking is bad. You have done your duty and mentioned it once, twice... etc. Drop it. No one wants to come home knowing an arguement is waiting for them.

Dinner. I found the best way to entice him home, was in the morning. As he left i would tell him what I was making for dinner. This usually worked, if it was one of his favorites.

I could never please him more than his friends could. Once a lady told me to please Allah first. These words of wisdom came in real handy at 'my angry at him' moments. "I made this wonderful meal to please Allah, not because I feel you deserve it!" it got so much easier to do things for my ungreatful husband, knowing I was doing a good wifely thing and this pleased Allah swt. Insha Allah.

I also, then, got on with my life. I did not focus my well being or entertainment on his reactions. I began to get really involved with masjid and dawah projects. I took care of me and no longer relied on him.

Funny when I look back, because now he is the one home all the time and it is me who is hard to catch.

He may not be worth divorcing, perhaps you can weather out this storm.

I am imagining that you are thinking, why does it have to be me to fix this? Bottom line is, you can't control his behaviour, but you can yours. You would be running around ragged trying. Just refocus your energies. he will come around, Insha Allah.
03/29/04 at 09:18:32
Kathy
Re: Need marriage help [husband never home]
UmmWafi
03/29/04 at 09:18:55
[wlm]

Dearest sister Anon

Stress can put an enormous strain on a marriage.  Maybe he is trying best to cope with stress and is not exactly succeeding.  At times, we may not realise it but we often allow things to influence us to grow apart from each other.  However, from the sound of it, your marriage needs a healthy dose of good communication.  Umm..that is not equivalent to arguing and reprimanding (even if u dislike his smoking) ;).  Set time aside for effective communication and promise each other that you both will commit to communicating without walls. If an intermediary is needed, so be it.

I don't know further details but I don't think your current problems merit a divorce. Work things out and make du'ah to Allah SWT.  Inshaa Allah both of you will receive Guidance.

May Allah SWT keep both of you in His Mercy, amin.

Wassalam
Re: Need marriage help [husband never home]
Mona
03/29/04 at 22:39:14
[slm]

I am probably the last person to give marriage advice to anyone, but ...  

It sounds to me that sis anonymous, you need to spend quality time
with the husband.  After a while, tedium can creep into a relationship
and you need re-charge the batteries, so to speak.

When he is home, pray in jama'a with him. On Friday, the hours from asr till maghrib are blessed and dua's during them are answered, insha'Allah.  Encourage him to spend this time with you remembering Allah.

I think a weekly planned outing might help too.  Start planning something and tell him ahead of time so that he can plan his schedule.  

You want to spend more time together.  You might have to take the initiative
on this, and hopefully he will enjoy the time you spend together and turn around.

It is good to develop other interests as sis Kathy said.  But you also need to enjoy
the time you spend with him, whenever he is around.

This year might be a tough year since you are both studying.  So try to have
patience and be more understanding.  I think the results would be worth insha'Allah.

Take care
Re: Need marriage help [husband never home]
Caraj
03/30/04 at 07:50:30
I too am the last person to gove advice. But as a prior military wife whose hubby was gone 70% of the time and who couldn't wait till he got home only to find I had grown quite fond of my space here are a few thoughts. I totally agree with Kathy on her points.
Also if you argue over food/dinner and you are tired by time he comes home,
Why not fix meals you can microwave later in the night?
My son works shift and graveyard shifts, my daughter-in-law takes a little nap during the day/early afternoon so she can be up with him (sometimes not all the time
I know for a fact, with such a load it takes longer to relax and wind down so relax and sleep cause you're always on fast speed.
Use some of this alone time to accomplish things you have wanted to do. (however reading your post between you working and going to scholl and studies how in the world do you have time yourself. ( uggggggg what a heavy load) Cherish this time as after a while, many years later when he is home a lot you'll wish he would go to school and be off with his friends  :-/
And finally, do things (not alot, occationally) that would make him nearly get a speeding ticket   :o  cause he is in such a hurry to get home to you. (ie: special / favorite dinner, candlelight,  ;)  the backrub a man appreciate after a long day. Foot massage for that hubby that runs all over a campus all day/evening  :)
Don't even tell him, take a small nap so you're not to tired, fix his favorite meal, don't harrass him about coming home late and welcome him all loving and excited to see him. Do this about once every 2 weeks and increase later
Give him a reason to come home  ;)  (not saying you aren't but if he is uptight with a heavy sched and you are upset cause he is not coming home earlier then

stress + stress/anger =  >:(   :'(   :(   >:(

May Allah makes things easier on you both and help through this time.

Look for the light at the end of the tunnel when you both are done with school and working in your fields and both home together at night.
As to your comment on maybe being overly sensative???  Don't be so hard on yourself, my goodness you are working and going to school and you have a house to maintain, what a load to bare.

Oh and lastly, even if a man knows he is wrong the last thing he wants is for his wife to remind him (in regards to the smoking)
03/30/04 at 07:58:05
Caraj


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