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| Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend trips] |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/02/04 at 02:59:24 |
| Before I got married, I lived in Santa Fe, New Mexico, afterwards moving to Toledo, Ohio, and it's been six and a half months. My in laws live in Ajax (suburb of Toronto), Canada. Recently (about three months), my husband has been making frequent weekend trips to Ajax. Unfortunately, I am not able to go with him due to legal reasons. Which we are hoping will be taken care of by October 2004. At first I did not mind him going back home to visit his family, but I have begun to feel resistance. He drives to Ajax (which is about five hours from Toledo), taking the only car we have. I've always been at home the whole weekend whilst he is away, by myself bored out of my mind. It makes me depressed knowing he knows I am here by myself, yet he still goes back at least twice a month. What is even worse is him not realizing that I'm sad. I don't want to stop him from going back to visit his family, but I would like him to realize I hate being alone here. This past weekend he again went back. When he returned last night, I was not excited about seeing him. I casually brought it up yesterday whilst were were at the supermarket, and he told me it's my fault because I did not take enough initiative to get my citizenship papers taken care of before we got married. I am not sure if it's just being newly married and I am being sensitive or if it's something I should REALLY talk to him about? Not just casually? |
| 04/02/04 at 03:00:07 |
| Anonymous |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| Kathy |
| 04/02/04 at 08:49:27 |
| [slm] Sounds like a sit down with tea chat. [] Tell him you are so worried you posted this concern. Usually men begin to take note if the problem becimes public. Being newly married is tough on the heart strings. Leaving your family can make anyone home sick. See if he can take baby steps and once a month spend the weekend with you. Most likely he is feeling pressure with his mom and friends. Everybody wants him and it is good to keep up the family ties. However, he needs to realize that you are now his family too. :-/The first weekend he spends with you, have a grand time, not the time for arguements...save it for Monday...tee hee. If all this fails and he continues you can do 2 things that i have seen work. :-)1. Tell him you are going on a major shopping spree if he leaves you alone. ;-)2. Put his picture on the back of a milk carton.... then serve him breakfast.... :o |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| Tesseract |
| 04/02/04 at 16:24:16 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, As usual, excellent advice given by momma mod. JazakiAllah khair sis. Kathy, but I differ with this part:): [quote]1. Tell him you are going on a major shopping spree if he leaves you alone. [/quote] This seems like a threat. Knowing the nature of most men (i-e they have ego problems), my advice to all sisters in general, never threaten a man with something. It only screws up things more in most cases, if not all. Rarely have I seen it working. Sis. Anonymous, u need to be patient. Your husband does not leave you alone *every* weekend to see his family, does he? I mean, if he goes for 2 weekends to see his family, he spends other 2 weekends with you as well, right? That seems fair to me. Also, this is a temporary problem, please don't make an issue out of it. Once ur citizenship problem is taken care of, you will be with him every weekend InshaAllah. Be optimistic :). Your husband is not leaving you alone on purpose. As for ur loneliness, be friends with some good sisters, and spend some time on weekends with them, InshaAllah. Wassalam. |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| Kathy |
| 04/02/04 at 22:15:24 |
| [slm] You are right... it could be taken as a threat! In my case it worked, but my hubby would let me get what ever I wanted. Probably because he knows in reality it would only be a threat! I am all talk and no action! My other piece of advice i left un- typed. In our early married days he would go to his buddies home almost every night after work. One day, I came into the meat market where he worked and told him I was getting a tattoo. He must havve been worried about his crazy American wife. Near closing time I came in and told him I got it :-* and flashed him, just fast enough for him to get a glance. Guess who came home straight after work! ;-) |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/03/04 at 00:17:39 |
| Brother Bulwark, no offense, but your answer seems very typical from a 'male' prespective. Yes, you are right in that my husband does not leave me EVERY weekend. What I unfortunately failed to mention in my inital post is that before we were married, he visited his family once every two months (if at that). That is from what he has told me. I know the relationship he has with his family. They hardly call each other. I've experienced this since we've been living together. At first I was shocked, as I spoke to my family/friends several times a week, and he could go weeks without thinking to call back home. I usually end up asking him to call and see how everyone is doing. |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| sal |
| 04/03/04 at 16:09:35 |
| [quote author=Momma Mod no longer exists link=board=madrasa;num=1080892764;start=0#1 date=04/02/04 at 08:49:27] [slm] Most likely he is feeling pressure with his mom and friends. Everybody wants him and it is good to keep up the family ties. However, he needs to realize that you are now his family too. :-/The first weekend he spends with you, have a grand time, not the time for arguements...save it for Monday...tee hee. [/quote] Please read that seriously but before that Are you sure it is not a kind of scaping from home and you? though it is too early for that but in case Did you try to know what he doesnt like at home and you? Many people has this kind of problem but the good thing in your case is that you are new married so this will disappear inshallah in the near future the only thing is he is may be still connected to his old customes JUST BE PATEINT And INSHALLAH ALLAH WILL BE WITH YOU :) |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| se7en |
| 04/09/04 at 10:44:12 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, sis, these are just some thoughts that came to mind when reading your post.. -- I think it's important to think about *why* your husband is taking these trips, to think about his psychology more, and try to get a better understanding of where he is coming from. Your feelings are legitimate and important, but it may be that your feelings of hurt are clouding your ability to understand what your husband is feeling/thinking. This matter may be one your husband is especially sensitive about, and there may be many underlying feelings present, as is usually the case with an issue that has to do with family. -- In my experience with guys (no offense to them :)) they do not understand subtlety! You may think that your manner, your speech, or your quietness is expressing things very clearly, but your husband may be clueless :) Brothers, can you back me up on this? Being able to *articulate* feelings, asserting them without casting blame or being aggressive is so important, and so challenging! I think if a person can master this, sooo many problems that arise in marriage would be diminished. -- Keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. Insha'Allah, you have many, many years of happiness awaiting you and your husband in the future, and this is only a small step in your journey together. What is five months in a journey of forty, sixty years? This time may even give you some opportunities to do things you would not be able to do otherwise. For example, if you want to attend a conference out of state, or chill with your friends until late, or spend some quality time in introspection and soul searching, these tend to be easier to do when the hubby is out of town :) May Allah make things easy for you, wasalaamu alaykum :) |
| 04/09/04 at 10:53:03 |
| se7en |
| Re: Confronting husband?[Takes frequent weekend tr |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/12/04 at 04:52:20 |
| sister anon, I know that this situation is very frustrating for you, but just be thankful to Allah that you have a husband Masha'Allah. There are sisters out there who would do anything to trade places with you. If this is the only problem you have with him, than say alhamdullah...again there are sisters who have it much worse. |
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