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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| love and marriage |
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| amatullah |
| 04/08/04 at 09:06:03 |
| LOVE AND MARRIAGE ================== Part 1 of 4 “If the rate of marriage in a community increases, that community is blessed because it is saved from all sorts of heart-breaking accidents and painful cries.” - The first 3 parts are prepared largely from a lecture by Muhammad Al-Shareef at NYU on March 24, 2004. The insights about love and marriage here are dedicated to all non-married youths, their parents and newly married couples. =._.=._.=._.=._.=._.= THREE TYPES OF LOVE There are basically three types of love: (1) Love for Allaah and His Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) (2) Love for Parents, children, siblings etc. (3) Love for opposite gender. The first type is the highest state of love. No one else can be more beloved than them. The second one is natural love and it’s encouraged. The third type of love is between two non-mahram people, with whom marriage is allowed. This love is a double-sided sword that can be used in fine ways to bring prosperity and happiness or it can be used in horrific ways to bring disastrous end results. THINGS THAT BLOCK INITIATING MARRIAGE 1. Money: Most people think that they will need lots of money to get married, whereas Allaah promises to protect the Muslim or Muslimah who gets married to protect themselves and He will enrich them from His boundless provision. A married person is forced to take care of his new spouse and therefore strives to get jobs, in addition to the assistance that the family should provide. 2. Looks: One usually forms the “person of his dream” from TVs, films, or magazines etc. on the basis of looks, but forgets that his beautiful/handsome “person of his dream” is not so beautiful/handsome in real life. They’re all covered up under gels, contact lens, cosmetics and many other artificial make-ups. Time, culture, and trend set the standard of beauty and it’s always subject to change. Therefore, one’s outer look shouldn’t be a barrier in discovering his/her inner beauty. 3. Degrees: Students who pursue degrees, which require many years, think that marriage will take away a lot of time and they won’t be able to study. In fact, one who spends hours after classes just chit-chatting with friends, will save that time if married because someone else will be more deserving of those hours. That will force one to discipline and manage time more productively. It’s proven that unmarried students spend a huge amount of their time with their friends or others just talking or planning about marriage, future, and whatnot. The time that goes into thinking about marriage-fantasy can be actually well spent by getting married for real. There are other reasons at large, but these are the main concerns at individual level. For blockage from family and other outside problems, it’s the knowledge, preparation, and determination of the individual that will cope with such obstacles. SAYING “NO” When you see someone is following you around and you know that’s not the person you want to end up with, be very clear in saying “NO.” Even if it’s semi-harsh, it’ll work. Otherwise, if you say, “May be/may be not,” or “I’ll think about it,” or “Let’s see what happens,” you’ll be simply provoking the person. If you don’t have the guts to say it or actually like the person and he approaches, tell him to speak with your parents. A dignified person would never approach someone personally in this manner anyway. They would go through their guardians/parents and propose the other party. That’s where the “walee” or guardians play the role to protect the women and to make the right decisions. No matter how much we may disagree, our guardians know what it takes to be a husband and a wife and they want to have the best for you too. Make their experience a positive resource in making such decisions. After all, you’re the one with the final authority to agree/disagree in a marriage. This check and balance is absolutely necessary in dealing with such critical decision of one’s life. CONSULT WITH THOSE WHO ARE MARRIED For consultation about marriage, people usually approach their friends, who are in the same trouble as they are in or even worse. Usually they will suggest you things without experience or relate often-heard rumors. Really, do they, the non-married ones, know more than the married ones, about the ins-and-outs of marriage? Approach married people who are honest, righteous, trustworthy, and wise. They’ll suggest you better and help you make the right decisions. Don’t be afraid to ask. They’ll be more than willing to solve the problems that they went through before in their own life. It’s observed that knowledgeable youths get married earlier and it helps them along their married life in making the right decisions and also helping others to do the same. |
| Re: love and marriage |
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| amatullah |
| 04/08/04 at 09:07:55 |
| ================== LOVE AND MARRIAGE ================== Part 2 of 4 MAKE A LIST OF CRITERION Many times, one makes a list of things that he/she wants to see in his/her spouse. The lists are sometimes so unrealistic that no one on Earth would meet the conditions. In making such list, one needs honesty, determination, and good will. Prioritize the aspects according to what you want, don’t want, and can’t live without. This list should reflect your values, personalities, and goals. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or her deen (religiousness), so choose a religious woman and you will prosper." (Muslim) Similar criteria go for men also in terms of courtesy, honesty, patience, and manhood. BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY So, what happens after you make a long list? You want a person with, let’s say, a dozen different qualities. Now, if someone asks you: “what are you doing to deserve a wife/husband like that?” Do you have an answer? Is the answer satisfactory? If not, you better correct the list not according to whom you want, but according to who you are. If you have a goal, you must work towards it. “Be the person you want to marry” —— the qualities/personalities that you demand, make sure you have them in you first. LOOK FOR EXCELLENCE, NOT PERFECTION Perfection is the highest attainable standard, but excellence is the quality of being outstanding and doing better than a given standard. No one’s perfect; absolute perfection belongs to Allaah alone. A person who searches for perfection will never get married. [If he looks for a heavenly “Hoor-al-‘ayn,” he’ll have to wait until he dies and hopefully goes to jannah.] So, being absolutely practical, we should separate the pros and cons of a potential spouse and evaluate them to see which side is heavier. Let’s not look for perfection, rather, look for excellence. RESPECT YOURSELF “If people don’t respect themselves, they’re not respected by others.” There are young people who still behave or dress like first-graders in their twenties. How can he expect that the parents would give their child—-one they’ve been raising with great care for so long-—to an immature or irresponsible fool? When it’s time, a man has got to be a man and a woman has got to be a woman. KNOW THE “INSIDE” OF A PERSON The proposal has to go through guardians/imams of the community. When finding out about one, the best source is his/her friends. Instead of asking the prospective spouse directly at first, ask the other members of his/her family/friend circle. The questions should be point-blank, such as: what would he do if the red light turns green and the car in front is not moving? Would he keep honking and curse out? Or would he stay cool? Does he treat his brothers/sisters with kindness and respect? Doas he cheat (no matter how small) during exams/quizzes? Does he hand in the projects long after they are due? Does he get irritated when he misses the train? These questions will bring out a completely new person that you would never know if the person were to say everything by himself. Remember, you’ll be living with the “essence” of this person, not his impressive appearance. You want to find out within the limits if his appearance and nice words today will match with his real life tomorrow. Of course, you’ll also have to judge yourself to see if the person might be interested in your life-style and behavior as well. TALK IN THE PRESENCE OF A MAHRAM When it’s time to finally talk with the prospective spouse, there should be a mahram (one to whom marriage is not permissible) present. The mahram doesn’t have to hear the conversation, but should be able to see both parties. This keeps the respect and dignity of both parties intact and shaytaan away. Along this track, you shouldn’t be surprised to see how many tricks shaytaan plays on you. If you give him a chance, he’ll ruin everything! KEEP THE SENSE OF LONGING Don’t make the mistake of having any one-on-one intimate conversation before marriage––neither the phone nor e-mail. Sure, you’ll have to talk once at least, but absolutely within the limits. If you know a lot about the other person and you haven’t had one-on-one intimate conversation, your marriage will start off with the greatest sense of interest and intimate willingness to listen to each other. You’ll endlessly appreciate your spouse for the rest of the life. Same thing goes for looking. Never go beyond the limits. This will ensure the respect and dignity between the two after marriage. Yes, it’s difficult to picture it in today’s world, but it’s possible. Lower your gaze and avoid unnecessary mingling. KING OR QUEEN OF ONE’S HEART The idea of monogamy and devotion to one person for the rest of one’s life is often incomprehensible for many people. After countless dumping by their boyfriends/girlfriends, one’s heart longs for “the one” who will be the king or queen of that heart. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that “being just friends,” “living together,” or “keeping in touch” devastate their lonely hearts with even more loneliness and suspicion. The boundaries that Islam draws let a married couple live and enjoy their married life as king and queen of each other’s hearts. If your can stay within the limits before marriage, you will fulfill life, love, and living with the greatest appreciation after marriage. ENGAGEMENT Engagement contract and actual marriage should not be far away from each other. Most engaged people act as if they were married and cross the line. Many times, they talk hours after hours about their lives, plans etc. There will probably be no interest left after marriage; therefore not having the appreciation and patience to listen to one another. All long talks and endless discussions should be saved for marriage and thereafter. Engagement doesn’t give you a VIP pass to cross the line. To be continued --------------- |
| Re: love and marriage |
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| amatullah |
| 04/11/04 at 14:01:46 |
| ================== LOVE AND MARRIAGE ================== Part 3 of 4 HOW DO YOU HANDLE A VERY, VERY FRAGILE GLASS? A hadith says, “rifqan qawaareer.” It tells us to treat the wife as gently and softly as we would treat a very fragile and thin glass. When married men get tempered and about to say/do something, they should think: is it going against this saying? Am I being too harsh where this glass might break? If such a situation arrives, the wife should remind her husband. It’s true that if one is fire, the other one should be ice to keep the balance, but that doesn’t give either one the right to become angry. Our anger should be used in the right cause, not in the wrong place or time. PATIENCE AND THANKFULNESS After marriage, a couple should allow enough time to understand each other. The man must know that he is dealing with a woman. So, he can’t act/react the same way he’d do with his friends. It goes for a woman also. Each has to understand other’s mental and physical states and moods and how they change. There should be only two choices: (1) patience and (2) thankfulness. Anything that’s pleasing, give thanks. Anything that’s irritating, show patience. “DUCK AND DODGE” Men want to solve woman’s problems. But, usually they listen less and decide more. If it is a complain/problem about him, he needs to “duck and dodge.” He should let her explain. If it hurts, just stand back and ask again to explain more. Keep “ducking and dodging” until there’s no more complains and she gets exhausted. Now, the man has in fact solved a problem by actually listening to them and not getting defensive or quickly decisive. SMILE, BE PLEASANT The psychology behind using “always-smiling-and-happy-faces” in sports car and alcoholic beverage advertisement is that people will be attracted to buy those products. A man is attracted to an appreciative woman as a woman is attracted to a pleasant man. You should always smile and be thankful. If the weather is stormy and damp outside, your pleasant face can make the inside of the house filled with breeze and sunshine. BE IMPRESSIVE INSIDE THE HOUSE ALSO We make ourselves fit and appropriate before we go outside. We should do that more inside the house for the spouses. You would wear a torn-out shirt inside, but you wouldn’t go outside wearing it. Doesn’t your spouse deserve the best appearance from you? “CREATED IN PAIRS” I will live for a fixed amount of time, but I don’t know the exact figure; I don’t know when I’ll die. Allaah says, we are created in pairs and it’s predestined, but I won’t know who the spouse is until marriage. All my life before marriage actually prepares me to be where I will be at the time of marriage. The decisions we make and paths we choose before marriage determine the kind of person I will become by the time of marriage. One who gets up at Fajr during winter will probably have a mate who also gets up at Fajr and will help each other after marriage in doing the same. The young man who saves his gaze from others before marriage will probably be gifted with a young woman who has done the same. That’s why it’s extremely important to choose the right partner, by looking at the person’s fear of Allaah, practice of the deen, behavior with fellow people etc. As we will be getting older, as the beauties will be fading, the only things that will remain are our behaviors and characters. CULTURALLY STUCK PARENTS Many parents don’t practice the deen properly and therefore get stuck with cultural background and financial status when looking for mates for their children. People, who can distinguish between Islaam and culture and give preference to Islaam, should marry the ones who are also able to do the same. They deserve better! The parents need to know the difference between cultural traditions and Islamic practices. They need to be wise enough to choose the Islamic practice whenever there is a conflict. On the other hand, just because you are their child, doesn’t mean you don’t have to bring awareness about such issues in the best possible manners. You have got to be the example! FEEL THE PAIN AND HELP Couples, who had experienced the pain and trouble of youth life and passed the test of marriage with success, should guide and help those who are next on line. If you are a parent, don’t ignore any drastic change in your children’s behavior. Get closer to them and extend your helpful hands. If you come from a different land, know that this land is not the same. Look around the neighborhood, the schools and colleges, the display of widespread puppy loves and realize how difficult it is for them to stay unharmed. You want the best for your child. Don’t you? You need to do the best you can. Have you? |
| Re: love and marriage |
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| amatullah |
| 04/11/04 at 14:02:26 |
| ================== LOVE AND MARRIAGE ================== Part 4 of 4 TIPS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Al-Qur’aan 30:21). I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as those who are already married. I do not pretend to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks.' The rules are: 1. BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet. His sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under thawbs (dress) and long himars (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don't allow your mate to get sidetracked by the likes of a 'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Inshaa'Allaah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate. 2. BE AWARE OF YOUR ROLE, BUT DO NOT FALL INTO ROLE-PLAYING. Muslim spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to maintain the family. She may have read about birth control and assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can place extreme stress on a marriage. In this case, it may be helpful for the Muslim couple to delay having children, or for the wife to work while the children are young and until the couple's financial situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it. 3. BE A COMPANION TO YOUR MATE. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) would run races with 'Aa’isha (radiyallaahu ‘anhaa). By all means try to involve your mate in your interests. 4. BE ACTIVE IN ISLAMIC COMMUNITY LIFE. This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you with a wholesome social outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and contacts. 5. ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES AND HAVE A FORGIVING, GENEROUS ATTITUDE WHEN YOUR MATE ERRS. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction. 6. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations. 7. BE MODEST WHEN AROUND MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings. 8. SHARE HOUSEHOLD DUTIES. Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are those who are kindest to their wives." (at-Tirmidhi). 9. SURPRISE EACH OTHER WITH GIFTS. Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage. 10. COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER, GOOD AND BAD. Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don't collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud. 11. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS. Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and don't belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did not live luxuriously, and neither should you. 12. RESPECT YOUR MATE’S NEED FOR PRIVACY. A quiet time to oneself each day, either at home or away from home, can make a disagreeable person agreeable. 13. DON’T SHARE PERSONAL PROBLEMS WITH OTHERS. There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first. 14. BE SENSITIVE TO YOUR MATE’S MOODS. If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps.' Wait for the proper time. You may be saying to yourself, "All This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith." =._.=._.=._.=._.=._.=._.=._.=._.= "And those who pray, 'Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.'" (Al-Qur'aan 25:74) "The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife." (Muslim) "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Al-Qur’aan 30:21). |
| Re: love and marriage |
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| Tesseract |
| 04/11/04 at 18:24:32 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Al-Qur’aan 30:21). [/quote] Can the word "Azwaaj" in this aayah be translated to "mates" instead of "wives"? It changes the meaning. Mates can mean both males and females, but the translation I know of, uses the word "wives" and that's what has been explained by Ibn Katheer in his tafseer of Qur'an. From Tafseer Ibn Katheer: (And among His signs is this that He created for you wives from among yourselves,) meaning, `He created females of your own kind, to be wives for you.' Allahu A'lam. Wassalam. |
| Re: love and marriage |
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| Abu_Hamza |
| 04/12/04 at 01:43:17 |
| [slm] The word "zawj" literally means pair. The word is used for a pair of anything, and not just human beings. For example, see Surah al-Rahman, ayah 52. "Zawj", therefore, does not carry a gender. When used for human beings, it is more like the English words "mate," "partner" or "spouse" (i.e. genderless, unlike the words "husband," "wife," "son" or "daughter," all of which carry a gender). We see in the famous hadith of Umm Zar' in Sahih al-Bukhari, for example, that all the women address their husbands as "Zawjee so-and-so." If zawj meant "wife," then how could they call their husbands "zawjee?" To the contrary, zawj means spouse in this context, and therefore a wife can call her husband "zawjee" and a husband can call his wife "zawjee." So the word "azwaaj" literally means pairs, mates or spouses, not really wives. Although from the context of this ayah, one may say that the word "azwaaj" here is used to refer to wives (because of the word "ilayhaa" which follows in the same ayah, using a female pronoun to refer to azwaaj). However, the scholars always use this ayah to refer to both men and women. This is because it is known that the Qur'an almost always uses the male pronoun when speaking about mankind in the third person. So when speaking of the mates of the reader, it will naturally use the female pronoun. However, just like the verses that use the male third-person apply to the females as well, so does this ayah. Even though it uses "ilayhaa", a female pronoun, to refer to the spouses of the male reader - it also applies to the male spouses of the female readers. Wallahu ta'ala a'lam. Abu Hamza |
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