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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
sadness |
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al-ajnabia |
04/09/04 at 20:32:39 |
[slm] I know most people do this as anonymos but I figure you would know it was me. I've had some serious troubles in my life, that is for sure. And I am sad about it sometimes, not all the time, not even most of the time, but when I get sad about it I dont have any way to get unsad about it. I dont make friends. I think I have well earned trust issues, that get re justified fairly regularly. I have tried numerous drugs under doctor supervision with the same result every time, that is, I become agressive and suicidal. But I dont think a pill can change what is wrong with my life. I am always reminded that I dont belong in America. Other people have always been saying this to me and now I guess I have begun to agree with them. Actually I have agreed for a long time. Otherwise I would have studdied differently in college. Do you know that in the database at my university they record that I was on academic probation over 13 years ago and this information is available to all my instructors but no one has access to the information that I have been on the honor roll ever sense and even on the deans list once? Peoplesoft sucks. But anyway, I wanted to leave this counry in a good mood so that I had a good face on when I got where I was going, I didnt want to be one more american malcontent. I'm so worried that when I get where I am going I will have to live with drug using promiscous american drug mules when I am truely sincere in my search for an islamic life. I know English teaching isnt the highest profession on earth but I am looking for an honorable position for as soon as I graduate in the spring of 2005. I'll take a position in any gulf state, or even Saudi Arabia if it seems right. The thing is, I am like one of those traditional girls inthe gulf who when their kingdoms decided to let them have more freedom of dress they put on a pink niqab but otherwise stayed covered. that is me all over the place, I think. The way I see it Allah made flowers in birds in all kinds of :-*colors :-* and nobody acuses them of being lewd. But black is my lucky color and I wear a lot of it anyway, I'm just kind of hooked on my multi colored hijabs. I wont have anything but one semester of experience teaching english and that under supervision during a practicum. I dont want to teach in china where I could go without experience but not if I kept my niqab, and them I would be certain to live with drug mules. I had wanted to teach here to get experience, but I cant bear the thought of three more years int his country. one more is really pushing my pain threshold but I cant see a way around it. I grew up on stories of how America could have been, but those really are just dreams, I think my heart and soul might be more apriciated in another country, and maybe I can do some good. |
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