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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing major si |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/12/04 at 04:54:21 |
| Asaalaamualikum wa rahmatullah, Dear brothers and sisters, many time I read messages posted by bros/sis confessing about their sin in other message boards. I tried to give some sort of advice, and now it is my turn to receive them. For I have done a sin that I feel is as dark as it can get. I do not know how to write about it, as I feel shame even typing such words. What I did? :( I committed “zina.” Zina come in different shape and sizes I think, but sin is sin. Even if the zina I committed is a big sin in my eyes. What is worse is that before committing it I knew that it is big sin. Yet, it just happened. Now I am a sinner who committed zina of the eyes, ears, thoughts, and others. “Others” is not that I lost my “chastity” but I got really close to losing it. And in my opinion it count as losing it, because I should not have done anything at all! Now I know that the innocent touches and innocent glances lead to something that is dark and dangerous, that can shut the heart away from the “Straight Path.” :( So now I cannot pay attention when I perform the daily prayers. I even neglect to perform the prayers on time. Would Allah [swt] ever forgive me and bring me close to His [swt] as I have committed such bad sin?? I feel I am not worthy of saying His [swt]’s pure names and calling him. Everybody around me think I am such an “angel,” and religious. But now if they find these out they would have totally different picture of me. I think some people already started to do that, as they saw me outside with “him.” What makes things worst is that “he” feels the same way. So I think it is my fault that he is in this situation. I should have kept him far away. I brought him closer to me and ruined his ahirat too! I don’t know. My visions are blurry now. I can’t type anymore. Do any of you guys have a clue what I should do? I will do “Tauba” salat. But Will Allah [swt] forgive me? “sigh” Inshallah. To make sure that this never happens we made promise to each other. From now on we will try not seeing each other, not for a long time anyway. We won’t talk on the phone without a third person. Will talk only once a month. So hopefully Allah [swt] will forgive us. I will always regret doing such thing, but will that justify anything? Sin is Sin and I am guilty of it. |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Mona |
| 04/12/04 at 11:09:19 |
| [slm] Allah (swt) accepts the repentance from sins. you have to be sincere in your repentance, feel extreme remorse for committing the sin, and never go back to it again. Two of the attributes of Allah are that he is oft forgiving [al-tawwab] and merciful [al-raheem]. the prophet [saw] said in a hadith to the effect that "the repenter from a sin is like someone who has no sin". [arabic transliteration : al-ta'ib mina al-thanb ka man la thanba lahu] you have to take precautions not to come close to situations that might lead you to sinning again. my advice is to cut all contacts with the person who you were involved with. be polite but firm about this. just close that chapter in your life. it might be very hard to do at first, but with time, this will get easier. surround yourself with sisters who might offer counsel or who can be there for you during emotional needy times. don't let shaytaan whisper to you that your situation is hopeless and that you cannot be forgiven. you have to have a strong will and determination to defeat these distracting thoughts. let this be your "battle" and chase out all negative thoughts and defeating feelings. do voluntary acts of worship, like fasting, nawafil prayers, dua'a, spend money toward charities, read qur'an, do istigfar, in order to gain hasanat that might overweigh your sin. keep steadfast and never give up on yourself. take care wassalam |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| humble_muslim |
| 04/12/04 at 12:54:16 |
| AA First of all : "“Others” is not that I lost my “chastity” but I got really close to losing it. And in my opinion it count as losing it, because I should not have done anything at all!" You did NOT commit zina. Alhamdolillah, even if you came very close but did not do it, you did NOT commit zina. In fact, if you stopped short of actually 'losing your chastity' because you feared Allah, Allah SWT will reward you, Inshallah, in spite of the other steps you have taken to get to this point. Secondly, the Prophet(SAW) said "remorse is repentenance". You are obviously very, very remorseful for you what you did, and mashallah Allah loves this. You have already Inshallah gone a long way towards your repentence being accepted. You should be aware that you have no idea how merciful Allah SWT is. Allah SWT ALWAYS accept the repentence of his slaves, even for actual zina, providing that the repentance is sincere. And when Allah accepts the repentence, it is as though you never comitted the sin. And according to the Quran, you should NEVER despair of Allah's mercy. Sincere repentance includes trying not to to the sin again. So my STRONG suggestion, as Sis. Mona says, is to either finish with this man completely, or marry him. In both cases, it will be a further proof of repentence. If you continue to see this man outside marriage, it may be a sign of a lack of sincerity in your repentance. If you're worried about other people, then I suggest you keep a low profile so that your piety does not get noticed. Don't talk too much about Islam with other people, but do as many good deeds as you can in complete privacy. May Allah SWT forgive you, and me, and all the believers, and give us the tawfiq to be of the repentant, Ameen. |
| NS |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| al-ajnabia |
| 04/12/04 at 13:09:02 |
| [slm] with all due respect brother humble, when we councel people who have obvious remorse about something even if they only came close to it to lay low and not speak of islam we are doing a great disservice to islam. Part of the repentance for such acts or near acts is not to talk about them, anyone who brings up these acts is doing wrong, wheter they bring them up about themselves or others, and especially others. Everyone has weak times, of differing magnatudes, and no one who is speaking of islam can claim otherwise about themselves. Those who do claim otherwise need the presense of active Muslims who privately acknowledge their own human weakness. It is shameful what is happening in some muslim comuities such as my own where people are not taken for who they are now and events from decades ago and long repented of are held against people who are sincere today and the people who bring these things up are acting in a perverted way to cover their present sins which they have not repented of. I assume you live in a situation where it is not possible to avoid mixing, just like most of us on this board, you just have to do the best you can, but try not to be alone with this person again if that is possible. Also pray over this with all your might, but dont speak of it again. It is bad enought to talk about it and even worse to listen to it. |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| theOriginal |
| 04/12/04 at 13:24:57 |
| [slm] Thanks brother HM, I wrote out this whole reply, trying to say what you ended up saying so much better. The other thing I want to add is don't take the blame for the other party, you should only be concerned with your own relationship with Allah ta'Ala. It takes two to tango, and I'm sure it was his fault, too. At least in part. It's unfair to yourself to think otherwise. My duaas are with you, inshaAllah things will work out for the better. Making mistakes is a learning process. Wassalaam. |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| stranger |
| 04/13/04 at 22:31:23 |
| Assalamu alikum Anonymous; Remember that the prophet [saw] said that all human beings commits mistakes and the best of those who commit mistakes are those who ask for forgiveness. When I am in this situation, I like to read some hadith qudsi from: http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/hadithqudsi.html Some of the pertinent ones are pasted below: Hadith Qudsi 1: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: My mercy prevails over my wrath. It was related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah). Hadith Qudsi 31: On the authority of Jundub (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) related: A man said: By Allah, Allah will not forgive So-and-so. At this Allah the Almighty said: Who is he who swears by Me that I will not forgive So-and-so? Verily I have forgiven So-and-so and have nullified your [own good] deeds (1) (or as he said [it]). (1) A similar Hadith, which is given by Abu Dawud, indicates that the person referred to was a goldly man whose previous good deeds were brought to nought through presuming to declare that Allah would not forgive someone's bad deeds. It was related by Muslim. Hadith Qudsi 32: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: A man sinned greatly against himself, and when death came to him he charged his sons, saying: When I have died, burn me, then crush me and scatter [my ashes] into the sea, for, by Allah, if my Lord takes possession of me, He will punish me in a manner in which He has punished no one [else]. So they did that to him. Then He said to the earth: Produce what you have taken-and there he was! And He said to him: What induced you to do what you did? He said: Being afraid of You, O my Lord (or he said: Being frightened of You) and because of that He forgave him. It was related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah). Hadith Qudsi 33: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (PBUH), from among the things he reports from his Lord (mighty and sublime be He), is that he said: A servant [of Allah's] committed a sin and said: O Allah, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for sins. Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you. It was related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari). Hadith Qudsi 34: On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it. It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound. Hadith Qudsi 35: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: Our Lord (glorified and exalted be He) descends each night to the earth's sky when there remains the final third of the night, and He says: Who is saying a prayer to Me that I may answer it? Who is asking something of Me that I may give it him? Who is asking forgiveness of Me that I may forgive him? It was related by al-Bukhari (also by Muslim, Malik, at-Tirmidhi and Abu Dawud). In a version by Muslim the Hadith ends with the words: And thus He continues till [the light of] dawn shines. I hope these have helped you. And we should not worry about what other people think about us. The prophet said what is wrong with the person who commits a sin by night, and Allah subhana wata'ala covers up his sin by his grace, and the next day, the person says oh so and so, I did such and such last night. So we should cover up our sins and inshallah allah subahana wata'ala would cover up our sins for us. And if they should talk about us, then it is their burden to carry not ours. Assalamu alaikum, Your brother in Islam |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Sunnah_ |
| 04/22/04 at 18:54:50 |
| Salam sis I tried to IM you, but it wouldn't allow me............IM me, I really wanted to reply to your post. Inshallah I hear from you soon. Sis Sunnah_ |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/26/04 at 16:18:37 |
| aslaamaualikum everybody jazakallah kheiran for the replies. i am trying not to see him, but it is extremely hard. we did not talk on the phone for about 15 days... and inshaallah we won't talk much anymore. it is not so easy to forget someone you care so much about. we are just human. i respect your reply, but sis Mona its not possible to close tht chapter of my life... once a chapter is written it is hard to rip it off... how can u just let go of someone? is it that easy sister? maybe your taqwaa is really high and you are able to... but i am weak dear sister. it is not easy for me to let go of someone i dearly love and want to marry. i will try to stay way from him as much as humanly possible, but totally out of his life? no i cannot... inshaallah we will marry one day, but not now, because he is not ready. sis Sunnah_ i e-mailed you at hotmail... i don't know if you got it or not... but again here is my hotmail e-mail... it is ChamakGul@ hotmail.com... jazakallah kheir for all the duaas and hadiths brothers and sisters... ma Allah Bless you... ameen wasalaam |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| superFOB |
| 04/26/04 at 20:32:37 |
| [slm] [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1081760061;start=0#7 date=04/26/04 at 16:18:37]we did not talk on the phone for about 15 days... and inshaallah we won't talk much anymore.[/quote] How about NO contact for 40 days. Call it the cooling off period. [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1081760061;start=0#7 date=04/26/04 at 16:18:37]i will try to stay way from him as much as humanly possible, but totally out of his life? no i cannot... inshaallah we will marry one day, but not now, because he is not ready.[/quote] He was ready to do the deed with you but he is not ready to marry you? I think that he has only 2 options now, either leave you alone or marry you asap. We are all weak, agreed, but lame excuses like "I am not ready yet" are just hogwash imo. - agony aunt |
| 04/26/04 at 20:38:38 |
| superFOB |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Sunnah_ |
| 04/27/04 at 14:04:39 |
| Yes sister, I got your email and replied to you. Hope to hear from you soon! Sis sunnah_ |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| humble_muslim |
| 04/29/04 at 18:15:05 |
| AA I agree with SuperFOB. If he has got this close to you and is not immdetiatelt ready to marry, I'd tak ethat as a warning sign. And this is coming from me being a man. |
| NS |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| sal |
| 04/29/04 at 18:56:39 |
| [quote]He was ready to do the deed with you but he is not ready to marry you? I think that he has only 2 options now, either leave you alone or marry you asap. We are all weak, agreed, but lame excuses like "I am not ready yet" are just hogwash imo.[/quote] Yes that is true and please try to take a serious action ALLAH WILL FORGIVE YOU INSHALLAH FOR WHAT IS GONE Dont give any justification for satanic so called love again by talking to him again after what append you should stop this at all .if he really cares for you he will appreciate your suggestion of staying away from you . He should decide and take real steps if he is honestly wants to marry you .other wise let him leave you alone .try to be strong and pass the test and inshallah you will |
| 04/29/04 at 19:01:12 |
| sal |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Maliha |
| 04/30/04 at 12:13:54 |
| [slm] sis anon, a true indication of repentance and feeling bad is ensuring the pathways to the sin are completely blocked. you may think you are not strong, but trust me, if you do something with the intention of Allah alone you will find much baraka in your resolve, and strength to do what you deem impossible. With duah and sincerity anything is possible..yes, even cutting off a "loved" one. Sis, this relationship is trouble on many levels, the first being you are not married, the second a deed to cause transgressions of the obvious boundaries occured, third you are both willing to take more risks in talking to each other, presumably seeing each other, and inevitably falling back into shaytaan's trap. Incidentally, another one of shaytaan's traps is to feel "sooo bad" that you can't even pray or do the necessary obligatories to Allah, because you are too "ashamed". In that way, you will be accumulating more sins, anxiety, depression and falling further and further away from the straight path. Seriously, when those negative thoughts come to you, take refuge in Allah, pray two rakaats and sincerely weep to Allah for forgiveness, Mercy and strength. i don't know where your man is from...and what kind of relationship you have. I can tell you that the where i come from, Muslim men would "mess" with certain girls that allow them to do so and then marry the sweet "untouched" angel, who he never got a chance to mess with. it is disgusting, evil, down to earth messed up..but that is the attitude of many guys i have personally known. So i would be very careful about continuing this path with him..and straight up set an ultimatum. If he ain't ready to marry you, he is not fit to be talking to you, touching you, or even thinking about you in those terms. i would give him my dad's phone number, when he's ready he would know how and where to get in touch with you. I would take these words very seriously if i were you..there is just no barakah, no way, this relationship will work out. trust me. PS: anything you let go completely for the sake of Allah alone, will be rewarded amply by something/someone soo much better. This is one law of Allah, that has never ever failed me personally. by setting an ultimatum, and leaving the ball in his court, you will know for real whether "mr right" is really serious about you. If he doesn't follow thru'..then too bad, you got lucky to get out fast enuff...avoiding worse consequences down the road. I pray Allah eases your affairs, and aids you in doing the right thing sis. (Amin). your sis in struggle. [wlm] |
| 04/30/04 at 12:21:38 |
| Maliha |
| Re: Feeling guiltyand shame (after committing majo |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/03/04 at 04:10:20 |
| [slm] thank you guys... you all have sound advice... btw, i made a mistake... i forgot to let you guys know that only reason he cannot marry me, because my parents do not like him... they think he is not good enough for me. however, i feel that he is, because mashaallah he is really religious... better than me. please do not misunderstand him. if my parents agree he would be ready to marry me now. |
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