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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Marital problems? |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/26/04 at 16:22:10 |
| Assalamualaikum, How is everyone doing? I really don't know where to start and where to end. I just need someone to give me some advice because I don't know who to ask. My husband and I have been having problems on and off ever since we got married. We have been married 6 years now. Sometimes he seems like the ideal husband, so loving caring, funny. Sometimes he turns into this monster with bad tempers and horrible insults and confusing mood swings. A week ago he got really angry and started yelling at me and using such bad language, and he hit a vase which went flying off my table and broke into pieces. He had never been violoent before. It scared me so much I ran to the living room and cried so hard. I didn't know what to do or where to go, and I felt so unsafe. Then he said that if I don't stop crying he will cut his throat, and I just tried to not cry so loud that he would hear me. But I felt so alone, vulnerable and scared. Then I guess he finally realized what he did scared me and wasn't good so he came down and told me to come back to the room, this was like 3am. I couldnt even let him near me I was so scared of him. And he said that why I am scared, do I think that he would ever hurt me. I didn't have an answer then because I wasnt even sure. He got angry and hurt and said why would I think that he would ever want to hurt me(physcially). He said this is what he gets for being so loving and caring. I was so confused, i didn't know what to do. But ever since then I feel scared of him and his temper, and I try not to get him angry, but sometimes I don't even do anything and he gets angry. I have been so depressed and sad, and have cried everyday when he has gone to work. He is back to his normal self now and i am trying to be back to normal too, but I just feel so empty, I feel like I don't even know him, as if I am living with a stranger. And its so scarey. Before I was never so scared of him and if he would be mean or say hurtful words I would get over it or get some of my anger out on him too. But now I am scared to say anything. Please, can someone help? JazakAllah in advance Sis in need |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| superFOB |
| 04/26/04 at 20:00:05 |
| [wlm] I can imagine your fright, stay strong sister. I think either your husband is blackmailing you or he is suffering from some kind of mental imbalance. Do you have kids? This nonsense must be taking a toll on the little ones as sell. Do you have family here, parents, any brothers? You need to take somebody into confidence regarding this. I guess you might need to talk to him in plain words about this, that his behavior scares you and he NEEDS to fix it. Show him the stick by alluding to separation, take some steps to let him know that you mean business. Bear in mind that he might need medical assistance. Give him a coupla weeks and monitor his behavior. Three strikes and he is out is what I recommend from now on. Sounds drastic, but if this is not nipped in the bud, its going to grow into something terrible. - agony aunt |
| 04/26/04 at 20:04:01 |
| superFOB |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| anon |
| 04/26/04 at 22:44:43 |
| [slm] A man came all the way from Yemem to madina to ask Imam Malik a question and Imam Malik (rah) replied: "I do not know!" He begged for an answer, telling of his long journey and that all the people back home wanted Imam Malik's answer but Imam Malik said: "I do not know!" Marriage is a sacred institution and divorce the most disliked of all allowed things to Allah(swt). Advice is part of our religion, but qualified advice. Please seek guidance from qualified Muslim marriage counselors. Anger for the sake of oneself is a disease of the nafs. You have many options to try: Convince your husband (maybe by using hadiths on anger) that anger is a disease that has to be treated. -- seek advice at www.islamonline.net and www.sunnipath.com (the scholars at sunnipath.com offer phone conferencing for Muslim couples who have problems) -- seek advice, with your husband, of local spiritual leaders on how to get rid of the anger problem -- seek advice from books by non Muslims on anger management I am not qualified enough to offer advice; I only point to sources I have heard good things about. |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| superFOB |
| 04/27/04 at 00:07:09 |
| [slm] [quote author=al-anon link=board=madrasa;num=1083010930;start=0#2 date=04/26/04 at 22:44:43]A man came all the way from Yemem to madina to ask Imam Malik a question and Imam Malik (rah) replied: "I do not know!" He begged for an answer, telling of his long journey and that all the people back home wanted Imam Malik's answer but Imam Malik said: "I do not know!"[/quote] Sorry sister, but I fail to get the context. [quote author=al-anon link=board=madrasa;num=1083010930;start=0#2 date=04/26/04 at 22:44:43]Marriage is a sacred institution and divorce the most disliked of all allowed things to Allah(swt).[/quote] No doubt about that. And as you can see, if you read my post carefully, I didn't mention divorce. Separation can be temporary as well while things get sorted out. [quote author=al-anon link=board=madrasa;num=1083010930;start=0#2 date=04/26/04 at 22:44:43]Please seek guidance from qualified Muslim marriage counselors. Anger for the sake of oneself is a disease of the nafs. You have many options to try: Convince your husband (maybe by using hadiths on anger) that anger is a disease that has to be treated. -- seek advice at www.islamonline.net and www.sunnipath.com (the scholars at sunnipath.com offer phone conferencing for Muslim couples who have problems) -- seek advice, with your husband, of local spiritual leaders on how to get rid of the anger problem -- seek advice from books by non Muslims on anger management[/quote] I would be glad if any of these methods work out. Sister, no need to get worked up. Our women are not at all equipped to handle situations like these. Who is going to be at the worse end of an abusive relationship? |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| crystal78 |
| 04/27/04 at 00:15:37 |
| [slm]Marriage is a pure beautiful thing,go to the mosque;talk to a consler.You two took a vow to allah to betogether,sis just pray.Allah love and mercy will save you,He is repenting what he did.Dont feel empty because he is fighting to stay.He knows he was wrong.Be strong sis. :-)crystal |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| sal |
| 04/27/04 at 01:40:41 |
| [quote]He had never been violoent before.[/quote] so it seems he had temporary bad mood and you might tried to stop him from behaving bad. Some times when the person is very angry it is better not to try to stop other wise he increases Rowdiness He seems not bad but hot tempered so you can chose the atmosphere for discusion when he is calm and i think he can understand you and as you said [quote]Then I guess he finally realized what he did scared me and wasn't good so he came down and told me to come back to the room, couldnt even let him near me I was so scared of him. And he said that why I am scared, do I think that he would ever hurt me. [/quote] which means he didnt like to see you crying .So the problem is not between you and him but he has some problems and you become a third part by invloving yourself by trying to bebate him in this mood . I am trying to find the reason why this happend so that you can find the solution because there should be a begining for this and what you are complaining is the reaction he showed after the cause so try to know what made him act like this and avoid it ,if he insistes the same then there will be another steps but so far i think the remedey is not far away from your limit AND ALLAH WILL HELP INSHALLAH |
| 04/27/04 at 01:43:01 |
| sal |
| Re: Marital problems? |
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| Kathy |
| 04/27/04 at 16:52:40 |
| Problems in marriage are common. Even I have wanted to break a few dishes... the only reason i didn't was because i am cheap and also didn't want to clean up the mess. There was a gigantic red flag tho. No matter how mad I got, and I have a very deep rarely seen temper, I never threatened to cut his throat... I have said...and never did- things like- i would beat him up... break his favorite electronic ... run to the other end of the earth with his child and even cut his beard in the middle of the night... Trust me, I have had good reason to do all of these things...but never did. i also never threatened with bloody death stuff like 'Cut your throat.' Visa Versa. When in the honeymoon phase with my first hubby, after I playfully threw a cup of water, during a playful moment, at him replied "if you throw water on me i will throw blood on you." He did become an abusive husband. My dearest sister, you need to be on guard. Do not take this lightly or patiently. he needs serious help. So do you. Start preparing a plan. |
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