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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| resistance4ever |
| 04/30/04 at 17:14:08 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum I would really appreciate the advice of sisters and brothers in this matter. I am currently considering marrying a muslimah. I have known her for a while now and she does have good character but some things concern me, one of them being she goes out a lot to live sporting events where men are often half naked who are engaging in the sport, and the atmosphere at these events is not islaamic or pleasant in the slightest. But the thing is, she loves these sports and this is a part of her life. I dont want to try and change her. She knows its not right or appropriate to go to these events but she loves these sports. So what do i do? do i get try and change her, or would it be easier for me to just walk away and look for someone else? I am so confused i dont know what to do! wasalaam |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| Angelic |
| 04/30/04 at 20:51:41 |
| Dear Resistance4ever Firstly, you can't change a person because they will only end up hating you. Trust me on that one, I've been on the merry go round all my life. If you love some one, you accept them unconditionally. If you think about it, our families accept us unconditionally but our friends don't. I'm only a revert so I apologise if I can't speak from an islamic view point and quote hadith after hadith but I read recently a hadith, I'm sorry I don't remember which one now but a man came to the Prophet and asked him about a woman who fasts and prays devoutly but has a terrible tongue, the Prophet said she will go the fire, he also mentioned about a woman who doesn't pray much or fast but gives in charity, he said she will go to Paradise. Why I am using this is because just because this lady you love might love this sport, doesn't make her a bad person. Of course I don't know anything about this woman so I just have to say what I am thinking. You don't know but there might be things she might hate you doing also but doesn't say so because those things are apart of you. A person can only grow spiritually without someone forcing them to do so according to their own standards, you might only turn her away. That's happened to me also. But what I can suggest is that if you do marry her, find ways to divert her interest. Do lots of things together. It is going to be a new life for the two of you so find other ways, you are not going to completely avoid her from going of course but there's always the possibility that if you keep her involved in other activities she won't be bored and she won't feel a sense of loss either. Not sure if what I want to say is coming across but hope you find your find but you need to set an example for her. Make it a new adventure for both of you. Nothing is guaranteed in this life anyway, we are constantly changing every minute of our day. She may love this sport today but tomorrow she might not. Katrina |
| 04/30/04 at 20:54:34 |
| Angelic |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| sal |
| 05/01/04 at 03:57:38 |
| [quote author=Angelic link=board=sis;num=1083356049;start=0#1 date=04/30/04 at 20:51:41]Dear Resistance4ever Firstly, you can't change a person because they will only end up hating you. Trust me on that one, I've been on the merry go round all my life. If you love some one, you accept them unconditionally. If you think about it, our families accept us unconditionally but our friends don't. I'm only a revert so I apologise if I can't speak from an islamic view point and quote hadith after hadith but I read recently a hadith, I'm sorry I don't remember which one now but a man came to the Prophet and asked him about a woman who fasts and prays devoutly but has a terrible tongue, the Prophet said she will go the fire, he also menpioned about a woman who doesn't pray much or fast but gives in charity, he said she will go to Paradise. Why I am using this is because just because this lady you love might love this sport, doesn't make her a bad person. Of course I don't know anything about this woman so I just have to say what I am thinking. You don't know but there might be things she might hate you doing also but doesn't say so because those things are apart of you. A person can only grow spiritually without someone forcing them to do so according to their own standards, you might only turn her away. That's happened to me also. But what I can suggest is that if you do marry her, find ways to divert her interest. Do lots of things together. It is going to be a new life for the two of you so find other ways, you are not going to completely avoid her from going of course but there's always the possibility that if you keep her involved in other activities she won't be bored and she won't feel a sense of loss either. Not sure if what I want to say is coming across but hope you find your find but you need to set an example for her. Make it a new adventure for both of you. Nothing is guaranteed in this life anyway, we are constantly changing every minute of our day. She may love this sport today but tomorrow she might not. Katrina [/quote] I would say the same .it is very very wise advice :) |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| jannah |
| 05/01/04 at 04:29:56 |
| [wlm] I think you can *try* to change someone, but it's really a gamble because sometimes they change, sometimes they don't, and sometimes they change in ways you don't want or even change you! True we love people unconditionaly in certain ways, but we still want the best for them. Sometimes, we may want them to be better muslims, do certain things we think are good for them and to live happier lives and so on. I'd suggest you discuss all the issues you have right now. And if you can't accept her position right now the way it is you'd have to seriously think about whether you can compromise on this issue or not, because it may not change after marriage. But surely you might be able to come to some compromise if this is your only issue ? (inshallah :)) |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| Mona |
| 05/01/04 at 09:07:15 |
| [slm] i get the impression that you are talking about football (soccer) here. i agree that those matches don't offer , islamically speaking, a good environment. now this bothers you, and i think this is justified. don't walk away though. she is a good sister, as you said, in so many other aspects. have some patience and advise her, before the marriage. gauge her response. keep trying. that's my opinion any way. at the same time, pray istikharah. may Allah give you tawfeeq. take care wassalam |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| Emerald |
| 05/01/04 at 15:24:38 |
| Actually I got the impression that she goes to wrestling matches. Have you told the girl how you felt? Or, try and explain to her why it's not right to watch such events? If you have and she still goes to them well then you can't force her to stop. You've got to understand that nobody is perfect and sometimes people change willingly in time once they've grown out of it. I know somebody who before she got married said that she would NEVER wear a jilbab even though her husband wanted her to. They did get married and after having gone with him to the masjid all the time and started being around his religious friends and their wives, she changed. She started wearing it. Also, I hardly think you should base whether or not you marry her because of this. You have to see whether or not she is God-fearing, etc, etc. Hope I was of some help. Emerald |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 05/01/04 at 16:46:53 |
| Brother, Make istikhara prayers and Allah will guide you to the straight path inshAllah... the answers given are good, i myself can't seem to decide....i mean everyone changes after marriage, and once she gets busy with her new husband, new home, and in a few months inshAllah new child(ren), she might not even care about sports anymore.... we all change with or without marriage...i find myself changing constantly. one day i would just realize that i havent done this or that in months, without even trying too. sometimes life just gets really busy and without thinking about it, we start/stop something.... make duaa and inshAllah may Allah do what is best for u and her inshAllah... |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| sis |
| 05/01/04 at 18:04:20 |
| alsalamu alaykum wa rhmat Ullahi wa barakatuh Masha'Allah, so much beautiful advice has been given already. Well bro, if you seriously like this sister and you want what's best for her, then speak to her about your concern (but not in a condescending way or anything). If this bothers you, you really should discuss it with her. From what you've mentionned, she seems like an intelligent person, with good akhlaq. Maybe the both of you can make the intention to help each other improve in your respective deficiencies, to get closer to Allah ta'ala. No one is perfect, every Muslim has a struggle to deal with and those struggles aren't always easy to overcome. Make sure there's understanding and compassion between you two. Make istikhara about it and insha'Allah what Allah ta'ala wills is the best. |
| Re: Should i try and change her or walk away? |
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| resistance4ever |
| 05/01/04 at 18:21:45 |
| [slm] Jazaakullah Khair to everyone who has replied. Your responses have been extremely helpful. I got a lot more responses than i could have dreamed off and it shows what a great community you have here and how helpful the muslims on here are. May Allah (swt) reward you all for the help you've given. Inshallah i will take the advice and speak to the sister and see how things work out. you guys have been brilliant :) walaikumasalaam R4E |
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