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| Some funny lil columns |
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| jannah |
| 05/04/04 at 06:48:10 |
| [slm] Thought I'd add some of these funny columns written by Melvin Durai... to lighten up the board and for the amusement of y'all... get it lighten...... ;) HOW FAIR DO WE NEED TO BE? I've never been concerned about my complexion, though hardly anyone -- not even my dear mother -- would consider me light-skinned. In fact, the only time someone has ever called me "fair," he was referring to my journalism skills. I've never spent a penny on skin-lightening creams, never tried to stay out of the sun, never bathed in a mixture of egg yolks and goat milk. I've been rather content with my complexion, as content as I am with having black hair, brown eyes and blue contact lenses. Things would probably be different, of course, if I were a woman, especially a single woman. Eager to use the word "fair" in my matrimonial ad, I would have spent more money on fairness creams than on saris. You can cover up a lot with a sari, but not quite enough. It's no major revelation that the skin-lightening obsession in Indian society is more prevalent among women than men. If a woman is fair-skinned, she is automatically beautiful, no matter how many coats you could hang from her nose. If a woman is dark-skinned, she'd have almost no chance of winning the Miss. India contest, even if her personality were as top-notch as her plastic surgeon. Men, on the other hand, have never had to obsess over their complexion, largely because they're judged more by their earning power than their looks. A single doctor who advertises himself as "tall, dark and handsome" would get far more attention from women than a single writer who's "tall, fair and unemployed." The situation may be changing though - and not necessarily for the better. A recent survey commissioned by the Media Researchers Users Council (MRUC) found that 32% of fairness cream users in India are men! Yes, men are using products such as Fair Glow, Fairever, and Fair & Lovely, trying hard to prove that women are no longer the fairer sex. Instead of getting women less obsessed with complexion, our society has managed to get men more obsessed. If this continues, you'll soon see new beauty products such as Fair Guy, Fairmale, and Fair & Hairy. Most users of fairness creams probably consider themselves dark-skinned. But "dark" and "fair" are relative terms. The woman calling herself "very fair" in a matrimonial ad may be darker than the woman calling herself "medium-complexioned," but fairer than the woman calling herself "as fair as Snow White." If I were conducting a fairness survey, I would ask the following multiple-choice questions: 1. How do you rate your skin complexion? (a) I'm so fair, it's almost unfair; (b) In my dreams, I'm fair; (c) I'm Fair & Lovely; (d) It's fair to say I'm fairly dark; (e) In my nightmares, I'm dark; (f) This is an unfair question. 2. What methods do you use to lighten your skin? (a) I regularly use fairness creams; (b) I rub coconut milk on my body every morning; (c) I roll around in a paste of besan and milk cream even night; (d) I pray three times a day to Aishwarya, the goddess of fair skin; (e) I eat five pounds of white chocolate every day; (f) I never leave home when the sun is out; (g) I've changed my name to Gourangi, which means fair complexioned. 3. What is your primary reason for lightening your skin? (a) To attract a husband/wife; (b) To please my future mother-in-law; (c) To become a Bollywood actor/actress; (d) To become more visible at night. |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| jannah |
| 05/04/04 at 06:51:52 |
| TRY HARD NOT TO BE A SUSPECT In the aftermath of the recent terrorist attacks on America, we South Asians have had to face a cold reality: Our physical appearance is enough to turn us into suspects, no matter how many old ladies we've helped across the street. If we have brown skin, we could be Osama's friends. If we have beards, we could be Osama's relatives. If we have turbans, we could be Osama. I'm exaggerating, of course, but not that much. And the situation worsens when we say or do something deemed suspicious. Take what happened to Uday Menon, a 46-year-old financial consultant, when he visited a New York theater with his wife on Oct. 10. According to Rediff.com, four police officers handcuffed and dragged Menon outside while his wife watched in shock, not expecting to see that kind of drama. Menon, when ordering tickets the previous day, had apparently shown too much interest in heavily attended shows and requested seats in a middle row, which, combined with his foreign name and accent, led the ticket agent to believe that he was planning to bomb the theater. It's a good thing Menon didn't ask what buildings are around the theater or he might have been shot on sight. The message to South Asians is clear: You need to be careful what you say or do, especially if you cannot afford to change your appearance through major plastic surgery. Here are just a few rules you'd be wise to follow: ---If you go to the theater, do not sit in a middle row. Do not sit near the stage either. Sit near the back, right next to the exit. That way, if some idiot shouts, "Hey, that man looks like a terrorist," you can make a quick getaway. ---Do not carry anything that could be perceived as a weapon when traveling by plane, train or bus. That includes bottles, hardcover books and bananas. As an extra precaution, do not wear a belt. Belts can easily be turned into weapons, as many parents have shown. ---Before boarding a plane, push all your luggage through the X-ray machine and, if you're not too fat, try to slide through yourself. That would help the security personnel confirm that you're not a hijacker and, as a free bonus, they may also confirm that you have no tumors. ---When you're aboard the plane, do not get out of your seat abruptly. If possible, hold your breath and remain absolutely still. If you must use the restroom, raise your hand and wait until the flight attendant gives you permission. The pilot may have to make an announcement: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for flying NHA (No Hijackers Aboard) Airlines. If you look toward the back of the plane, you will see that we have an Indian man flying with us today. Do not panic. He has been through a 16-hour security check. He will soon get up to use the restroom, escorted by three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom will be observed using 206 cameras, one for every bone in his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised above his head, so you may not want to use the restroom after him." ---Do not use any form of the word "bomb" in public. If you detest a stand-up comedian's performance, do not shout, "All your jokes are bombing, man." If you can't stand a politician's speech, do not yell, "You're such a bombastic fool!" And no matter how proud you are of your native city, do not say, "I'm from Mumbai - It used to be called Bombay!" Of course, I'm exaggerating about these precautions, but not that much. Remember: It's better to be safe than under arrest. |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| jannah |
| 05/04/04 at 06:52:51 |
| UNRAVELING THE MYSTERY OF MATRIMONIAL ADS Whenever I see matrimonial ads, I can't help smiling, partly because I met my wife through an ad and partly because I don't need to look at them again for a very long time, at least until I'm ready to torment my daughter. She's just a baby, but it's not hard to imagine myself handing her a page of matrimonial ads and saying, "It's your lucky day, Lekha. Every bachelor here describes himself as 'very successful' and 'very handsome.' How can you go wrong?" Matrimonial ads are an effective way to meet potential mates, but they're not without their pitfalls. That's why, as a public service, I decided to conduct an Internet chat with some eligible men and women. Here's the transcript: Sanjay, 38: Since you're an expert on matrimonial ads, please tell me what it means when divorced women say they have "no issues." Melvin: It means they have nothing left to discuss. They exhausted all issues in their previous marriages. If you want to start a conversation with them, you need to bring your own issues. Nalini, 24: What do you think of an ad that says "seeking smart, ambitious girl" and "must be able to cook"? Melvin: I think you need to stop searching for a mate in the employment section. Waheeda, 35: I'm about to place a matrimonial ad and wondered if it's OK to mention that my biological clock is ticking. Melvin: By all means. For greater emphasis, you may even include a picture of your clock. That would help draw responses from newspaper reporters and other men who work well under deadlines. Ravi, 25: Some women describe themselves as "fair," others as "very fair." Should I request a picture to verify the extent of their fairness? Melvin: That is a fair question. But to determine if a woman is truly fair, you need to observe her deeds, not her face. Otherwise, you'll find yourself squabbling with your light-skinned wife, thinking, "She is not fair at all." Madhu, 34: I came across an ad in which a man describes himself as "Harward-educated." Is that the same as Harvard-educated and would you be concerned about his true qualifications? Melvin: Yes, I'd be wery vorried. Latha, 23: What type of information should I include in my biodata? Melvin: The most important information to include is the educational qualifications of your relatives, especially if one of them is a doctor. You should also include the exact time and date of your birth. Everything else is optional. Rupa, 27: I do not believe in the caste system. Should I boycott ads that mention caste in them? Melvin: Yes, caste them aside. There are many others to choose from. Thomas, 29: I saw an ad in which a woman described herself as "homely." Does that mean she's not good-looking? Melvin: No, it means she's extremely attractive, but likes to stay at home. In other words, she's not "outgoing." Jyoti, 31: Please explain what it means when a man says he has "good blend of east-west values." Melvin: It means he eats his kofta curry with a fork. Rakesh, 32: I found an ad that says "medical doctors preferred." I'm not a doctor, but my best friend is. Should I respond? Melvin: Only if you can borrow your friend's credit cards. And perhaps his Mercedes, too. Manoj, 25: A woman has advertised for "well-settled" probessionals only. I have a green card. Does that make me well-settled? Melvin: No. To be considered well-settled, you must have a wife and children. Varun, 20: Something is suspicous. Are you really an expert on matrimonial ads? Melvin: Yes, I have an M.A. degree from Harward. Go ahead and werify it. |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| timbuktu |
| 05/04/04 at 07:26:48 |
| [slm] :D hilarious links, jannah? |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| jannah |
| 05/04/04 at 23:09:33 |
| [wlm] You can read his column's on his website here: http://www.melvindurai.com/Indian.html enjoy ;) |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| Twilight |
| 05/14/04 at 09:16:08 |
| [slm] hahaha i love this it is soo true thanks Jannah [wlm] Baji |
| Re: Some funny lil columns |
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| lala |
| 05/14/04 at 10:06:15 |
| [slm] the darker the berry the sweater the juice. i rather be dark than light skinned any day! ;D ;D ;D peace and love |
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