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The secret of a long and happy marriage ..........

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The secret of a long and happy marriage ..........
siddiqui
05/13/04 at 07:55:28

Newlyweds advised to lower hopes

The secret of a long and happy marriage appears to be not to expect too much from it.
US researchers say that, unless you have superior relationship skills, your hopes of cosy coupledom are likely to be dashed.

Far better, they say, to aim low to ensure you are not disappointed.

The key to keeping that newlywed glow appears to be forgiveness and communication.

The advice comes at an opportune time. The number of marriages in England and Wales rose by 2% in 2002, reversing a consistent decline since the early 1970s.

Pedestals

The study, by researchers from Ohio and Florida Universities looked at 82 couples.

They quizzed all the spouses independently over four years.

Their study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found those who believed their partner would be unfailingly kind, loving and agree with their every word, could retain their positive outlook by being forgiving, and having charitable explanations for their partner's negative behaviour.

However those with high expectations but without those relationship skills are likely to be brought down to earth fairly quickly as their Prince or Princess Charming falls off their pedestal.

In contrast, the researchers say holding a more prosaic view of your loved one means you are less likely to be disappointed, and therefore more satisfied with your marriage.

Writing in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers led by James McNulty, professor of psychology at Ohio University, said: "In contrast to the idea that expectations in the early years of marriage exert main effects on satisfaction, the current findings suggest that the effects of expectations interact with the skills partners bring to their relationships."

Previous research found that people tend to select like-minded partners who they believe will be able to maintain a stable relationship.

The finding contradicts the old adage that opposites attract.

Instead, the US researchers said people looking for long-term relationships should select partners who were similar to themselves, rather than seeking out the highest quality partner available.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/health/3710173.stm

Published: 2004/05/13 11:02:21 GMT

© BBC MMIV
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
jannah
05/13/04 at 15:27:33
[wlm]

perhaps that's the secret to being happy in everything.. to not have high expectations.. don't have high expectations for marriage, when looking for a spouse, in jobs, in general, life... and u end up not being disappointed and then if something works out well then ur extra thankful for it eh
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
lala
05/13/04 at 16:00:08
salaam,

how about ..dont get married:) :) :)


ok that was bad.

-peace n love
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
M.F.
05/15/04 at 18:44:56
They needed to do a scientific study to find this out??  ::) every mom, aunt, sister, or perfect stranger will tell you not to get your hopes up.  The problem is you can't NOT get your hopes up, cause why are you marrying in the first place :)
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
timbuktu
05/15/04 at 20:45:51
[slm]

25 years down the road, would I qualify for having led a long and happy married life? I think so.

and my wife did not want much either. All she wanted was a husband who looked after her and any children. She refused even the jewellery that her mother wanted to give her, although she is the only daughter, and her only brother had been married with a lot of money settlement.

From my angle, lowering expectations was certainly it. Fortunately I had lowered mine long before getting married. but my wife gave me a lot more than is reasonable. I am lucky.

Sadly, all this did not prevent me from getting angry with her at times.

any problems that we have in our married life stem from her working outside, and also having to look after the house. She gets too tired. So if you are planning on both husband and wife working 9-5 or whatever, make sure you share the household chores, too.

Or more reasonably, cover the weaknesses of your spouse.
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
ltcorpest2
05/15/04 at 22:45:27
i should talk to my wife and find out how much lower were her expetations, but i am afraid of the answer.  The secret is to love your wife and your kids and hope she has the patience to put up with you.  oh and don't take your golf game or your work home with you.
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
Trustworthy
05/18/04 at 02:11:52
[slm]...

I'm a going to disagree and I'll tell you why.  Later though cause I'm tired now.  

Sweet dreams and better tomorrows, insha-Allah. Ameen.

Ma-asalaamah...
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
Trustworthy
05/18/04 at 17:11:49
[slm]..

Ok.  So the census has it that a successful marriage is based on low expectations.  So what of those expectations?  

He doesn’t have to be rich.  No worries.  BUT he does have to provide for me and our children at all times and legally without living paycheck to paycheck. (Is that good?)

He doesn’t have to be drop dead gorgeous.  Ok.  BUT he has to keep himself looking good.  Clean cut, well groomed, and dressed for the occasion.  Although personal hygiene is a definite must.

He doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist.  No problem.  BUT he has to be smart enough to know the common sense about things.  College education so I know he’ll emphasize how important education is to our children, sons and daughters.

He doesn’t have to be the “perfect” father.  Well…BUT he does have to make time to spend time with the children so that they do grow up with a father having a father.  Help mold them and discipline them to be “perfect” children.

He doesn’t have to be like the Prophet (PBUH).  Hmmm….BUT he does have to know the religion enough to be the Imam of the house to preserve Islam in the home, ourselves, our children, and our community.

He doesn’t have to be the “perfect” husband.  No he doesn’t, BUT if he was all these then he is.

So what of those low expectations?

Ma-asalaamah….
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
Kathy
05/18/04 at 20:35:31
[wlm]
:-[

My Dad has had two very successful marriages of love.
My mom died after they were married for 17 years. The other day he celebrated his 23 wedding anniversary with his second wife.

I called him, thinking of this post and asked him what the secret was. He said it was simple...

;)"He always says 'Yes, Dear'!"

On the flip side I told my hubby what my daddy had said... he was incredulous.... ::)
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
ltcorpest2
05/19/04 at 10:20:30
Kathy,  one caveat to the yes dear.  if you say it with no enthusiasim they will see right through you.  It has to sound like you are really interested and really agree
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
M.F.
05/19/04 at 11:18:19
Uhhh, Trustworthy.... a leeeeetle lower please?
;)
No really I think those are pretty reasonable expectations. Describes people that really do exist, but you forgot one thing:  He has to be "nice" too.  All those things plus a positive outlook on life, cause otherwise,  :o
AND he has to say "yes dear", with great sincerity, all the time ;)
Actually this can get pretty infuriating.
My husband can never make a decision: all his answers are: "Whatever you want", to questions like: what's for dinner, do you want to go anywhere, what do you want to do today/this evening/this weekend... whatever.  
So I have to make ALL the decisions myself!  Not as easy as it sounds.

[quote author=Trustworthy link=board=bebzi;num=1084445728;start=0#7 date=05/18/04 at 17:11:49] [slm]..

Ok.  So the census has it that a successful marriage is based on low expectations.  So what of those expectations?  

He doesn’t have to be rich.  No worries.  BUT he does have to provide for me and our children at all times and legally without living paycheck to paycheck. (Is that good?)

He doesn’t have to be drop dead gorgeous.  Ok.  BUT he has to keep himself looking good.  Clean cut, well groomed, and dressed for the occasion.  Although personal hygiene is a definite must.

He doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist.  No problem.  BUT he has to be smart enough to know the common sense about things.  College education so I know he’ll emphasize how important education is to our children, sons and daughters.

He doesn’t have to be the “perfect” father.  Well…BUT he does have to make time to spend time with the children so that they do grow up with a father having a father.  Help mold them and discipline them to be “perfect” children.

He doesn’t have to be like the Prophet (PBUH).  Hmmm….BUT he does have to know the religion enough to be the Imam of the house to preserve Islam in the home, ourselves, our children, and our community.

He doesn’t have to be the “perfect” husband.  No he doesn’t, BUT if he was all these then he is.

So what of those low expectations?

Ma-asalaamah….
[/quote]
Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
Nadeem
05/19/04 at 14:16:21
[slm]

Interesting topic.

I think... we should never lower our hopes.  

Hope is the thing that sets us free when we're caged,
its the thing that gives us peace when we're stressed,
its the thing that makes us feel better when times are bad.

I don't see why this principle shouldn't apply to hopes in marriage.

On the other hand...       we shouldn't be too picky....

Hmmmm...... what to do....

;-)

[wlm]

Re: The secret of a long and happy marriage ......
jannah
05/19/04 at 14:35:59
[wlm]

humans are always full of hope i guess. even when there's none. ever read the stories of people that have survived extreme situations. they never give up ma'shallah!! perhaps this is something Allah put in us so we are always struggling and inherently never give up.

i guess we should have hope but low expectations at the same time to live a happy life?

yet i saw this show with all these people who lived to 100 and all these studies say that people who live longer and happier lives have very unrealistic rosy views of life and they bounce back quickly after tragedy! and those who are very cynical and have realistic views of things end up living shorter more miserable lives!!

yikes


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