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| How to tell whether or not you are ready to have c |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/21/04 at 18:46:14 |
| [slm]... How to tell whether or not you are ready to have children! THE MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. THE TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.) THE GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. THE DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside. THE FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor. THE NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4 am. Set alarm for 5 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers. MWA...(I think that's the evil laugh?) :( Ma-asalaamah... |
| Re: How to tell whether or not you are ready to ha |
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| georger |
| 05/22/04 at 00:36:04 |
| [img]http://www3.sympatico.ca/g.rutkay/Emoticons/ROTFLOL2.gif[/img] Let's not forget: 10) Practice this one on a new puppy first. Rehearse keeping your tone and temper perfectly even as you call for the 78th time the puppy's name while repeating yourself over and over, in hopes that one of the calls to get the puppy's attention - from whatever exciting play it is involved in - will finally catch it's attention. 11) Feeding. Whatever you prepare, make twice as much. As you prepare to place the bowl on the table, automatically dump at least half of it on the floor, the table, and some on your clothes. The other half, let it get stone cold and throw 80% of it out, since the baby will only eat what little is left. 12) Diapers. When you go shopping, remember to drop at least $35 a week into the nearest garbage can, for the next number of years. |
| Re: How to tell whether or not you are ready to ha |
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| Dar_al_Arqam |
| 05/22/04 at 09:59:43 |
| ;D ;D ;D ;D :-/ :-X ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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