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Husband marrying again?
Anonymous
05/23/04 at 00:34:05
Saalam

What are the duities of wife? Specifically regarding house work and kids.  
I know a couple who have been having problems regarding these since as long as I
remember. The house was never cleaned, the kids were never dressed properly and rarely took bath
and most of the time the food was bought from outside or if it was cooked it was never on
time. I guess the husband and wife had other issues also but obviously I dont know about
them but I did sense a lot of disrespect for each other.

Recently I came to know that the husband is marrying again and he plans to keep both
wives in separate houses and plans on spend equal time with both( I dont know if it is
possible or even practical). Both , the husband and the wife's parent tried to stop the other
marriage but it seems like it is going to take place.
I am pretty confused on how to react to that. Obviously I am against this second marriage
but it is going to happen.  I dont know what to do, should I extend the friendship to the
second wife or will it be consider disloyal to first wife? or should I completely ignore
the second wife when I see her?
I personally think that the only people suffering will be the kids, but the husband seems
to think otherwise. The wife on the other hand always told husband to marry
another(infact she told me that she is the one who persuaded the second woman to marry her husband)
but now she doesnt want it. I am with the wife on this that just because the house is
unkept etc , this is no reason to marry again, but hte husband point of view is that there is
no peace in the house, infact he said that there never was.

Any advice, opinion will be welcome

shukran
confused



Re: Husband marrying again?
Trustworthy
05/23/04 at 01:35:57
[slm]...

*disgruntled*

if the first wife does not want this then it is her right to divorce.  But it sounds like she loves her husband...if so why not give the respect he deserves and show him that he does not need a second wife.  

If she wanted someone to help around the house...why not hire a maid cause if he can afford a second wife....he can surely afford a maid.

Makes sense doesn't it?

But I'm only speaking from what I'm assuming this relationship is all about.

Ma-asalaamah....
Re: Husband marrying again?
al-ajnabia
05/23/04 at 15:34:14
[slm]
thinking of the second wife...
what if she is a good house keeper and a good cook, and on her day with him he is well taken care of and in a good mood but always he goes back to the lazy disrespectful woman and so whenever he comes back he acts like a man with a lazy disrespecful wife and by the time the hard working woman gets him back to normal he leaves and gets in a bad mood that he brings back with him again.
but I guess she should think of the kids.
It is you perogative to ignoor and be rude to anyone you like, but its a poor way to be towards someone who is part of something permitted to muslims.
Re: Husband marrying again?
sisterhood
05/28/04 at 13:10:23
[slm] wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu

Dear anonymous,

I am not going to comment on the issue of polygyny but I would like to advise you not to be rude to or ignore the second wife. In Islam we are to treat otheres with kindness and respect and it would not be very Islamic of you to treat her in a bad manner but as someone else said it is up to you how ever you decide to deal with it. Lets look at this another way let's think of a way that you could earn some rewards out of being nice to this women. If you are kind to her and reach out to her pruely for the sake of Allah then you will please Allah and earn some rewards. I also wanted to say that you would not be doing anything to hurt the first wife just by give this women her rights in Islam which is to greet her when you see her.
That is my advise to you. I hope all works out for your friend!

Fee aman Allah,
Amena
http://www.jannah.org/board/attachments/prayers.jpg
prayers.jpg
Re: Husband marrying again?
resistance4ever
06/03/04 at 17:38:36
[slm]

The first wife should divorce the husband, as this man cannot seem to take care of one woman properly, let alone two. if this second wife wishes to marry such a man, than its her fault for whatever unhappiness that comes about. the 1st wife should pack her bags and start a new life with someone better, inshallah.
Re: Husband marrying again?
Kathy
06/04/04 at 09:58:14
[quote author=resistance4ever link=board=sis;num=1085283245;start=0#4 date=06/03/04 at 17:38:36] [slm]

The first wife should divorce the husband, as this man cannot seem to take care of one woman properly, let alone two. if this second wife wishes to marry such a man, than its her fault for whatever unhappiness that comes about. the 1st wife should pack her bags and start a new life with someone better, inshallah.[/quote]

[wlm] resistance forever,

Are you aware that we will be held responsible for what we make our tongues say? Your advice is based on very little knowledge of the facts.

I did not read in the original letter that the man cannot take care of his woman. They have a roof over their heads, food is brought in and the kids have clothes according to the poster.

Why is it the second wife's fault for all unhappiness? Surely you must mean something else.

It is the first wife's perogative to pack her bags, but why did you give such advice on the little we know of the situation?

Re: Husband marrying again?
resistance4ever
06/04/04 at 18:48:36
[slm]

Sister Kathy

"Are you aware that we will be held responsible for what we make our tongues say?"

Yes my beloved sister i am aware of the consequences of the tongue.

"I did not read in the original letter that the man cannot take care of his woman. They have a roof over their heads, food is brought in and the kids have clothes according to the poster."

This may be so, but this isnt the be all and end all and is no indication of a happy marriage.

The original post mentions <<The house was never cleaned, the kids were never dressed properly and rarely took bath  
and most of the time the food was bought from outside or if it was cooked it was never on  
time>>

The Original post also mentions <<but I did sense a lot of disrespect for each other>>

and also <<but hte husband point of view is that there is  
no peace in the house, infact he said that there never was.>>

Judging by this, all the indicators point to an unhappy marriage, where their is little respect for each other and the kids are not treated very well, such as not being washed often, food often not prepared at home and often late. No if this husband cannot succesfully look after his current wife and children, he should not be allowed to take another wife, as he simply does not come across as responsible enough.

"Why is it the second wife's fault for all unhappiness? Surely you must mean something else."

What i mean by this is the second wife should be, or should be made, aware of the situation of the current marriage. if she has any sense, she will realise this is not a very pleasant marriage and there are some serious problems.

Knowing this, if she still decides to marry this man, and is also not treated very well in the future, than any unhappiness and regrets she has are simply her own fault as she knew what this mans current marriage was like and still decided to marry him.

As they say, you reap what you sow.

If you see the hole in the road, walk around it. Jump down it, and your going to have a problem getting out, if you ever do.

My advice to the second potential wife ould be, You have one life. Dont throw it away.

An intelligent person learns from the mistakes of others. A fool makes the same mistakes.  
Re: Husband marrying again?
sal
06/05/04 at 14:25:40
[slm]


I think if a woman finds herself in a perplexity between getting a divorce from her husband because he is thinking or decided to marry another one and staying  with him regardless of that ,there is no totally good motive of any immorality in him (i.e treatment ……etc.)except ,egoism and jealousy
The confusion mathematically is as we know a symptom of half and half ,so the bad half in her point of view is his marrying another woman and  then the other half that caused the confusion is because there is other good division in the other side

That is what produces the hesitation of taking a final decision to leave him even if some times the conclusion taking may be sacrificed for the kids yet this again proves the importance of his subsistence in a role he is giving positively  

To proof this, if we analyze psychologically,,
We come across the sense that  women condemn  their   husband marry another woman even in his very good other features so this might make her grant mercy  even if he marries another one as she knows he is wise enough and trustworthy therefore the other half is qualifying him this sympathy

But if he already had bad history (that is the first and dark half )then the second half (the integrity was her only ness )it is obvious is void upon the emerge of a factor that dismisses the pact its value (the marrying another wife ) and it logically  results as automatic explosion of the wife (divorce wanting)
It is such an instance that the wife  seriously  asks for a divorce without any introduction and faltering .this is when the probability of continuing martial life becomes locked and a wise woman ends peacefully since every stage she passed through was well researched  and she knows what she is doing
other than such circumstances women nag often is because they like compassion

and they don’t like advices like [color=red]take your bag and go [/color]specially  from her same gender
so don’t hurry up with such form of advices amongst yourselves (women )


We also can say, If a woman is not able to endure another woman sharing her husband there is obviously shortage in her Islamic knowledge because the righteous Moslem wife is aware its permissible for her husband to get another wife even in the absence of any reason, and she has no right to seek for a reason for justifications of  his marrying another woman such as having kids ….etc,

However, she has the Islamic conditions she can give a red line to be not crossed  either by the new wife or by him
But,  this cant be identified before the new wife takes a true membership, otherwise, a pessimistic forecasting only is an signal of the arbitrary jealousy and manipulation, thus such characteristic renders the destroy of the family aimlessly  so ,.beware of this


Wa allah al muwafigh inshallah


Re: Husband marrying again?
Anonymous
06/10/04 at 23:59:15
Salaamz


[quote]
Salem

We also can say, If a woman is not able to endure another woman sharing her husband there
is obviously shortage in her Islamic knowledge
[/quote]

Any thoughts about mothers of believers ???
Re: Husband marrying again?
Halima
06/11/04 at 01:43:00
[slm]
Anonymous wrote:
[quote]What are the duities of wife? Specifically regarding house work and kids.  
I know a couple who have been having problems regarding these since as long as I
remember. The house was never cleaned, the kids were never dressed properly and rarely took bath and most of the time the food was bought from outside or if it was cooked it was never on time. I guess the husband and wife had other issues also but obviously I dont know about them but I did sense a lot of disrespect for each other.[/quote]

Surely sisters and brothers, other issues aside the first woman has no excuse to neglect the kids. How can woman not feed her kids and not clean them? Even battered women feed and clean their kids! Subhanallah!  I don't understand that.

[wlm]

Halima
Re: Husband marrying again?
Kathy
06/11/04 at 08:31:43
[slm]

I have seen women who suffer from depression have problems with keeping their kids and homes clean, and even themselves..

Depression can really debilitate a person.
Re: Husband marrying again?
Mona
06/11/04 at 10:09:04
[slm]

i disagree, depression does not turn a tidy a person into an untidy one. this is just the excuse of naturally untidy and unclean people.  maybe they can find a gene for that in the future,  and then be able to throw the blame on their DNA!  

so in contrast to kathy, i have seen remarkably undepressed women having no interest in cleaning or tidying the home.  they are the shopping, watch TV, and gossiping types.  

now back to the original post, as i hate to branch out of the main FOCUS of this thread.  so i guess you are more concerned about how you should behave toward the new wife, not whether or not the man should marry.  my answer is approach with caution.  you should be civil towards the new wife should you ever find yourself in the same place as her.  don't overdo the welcome to the family routine, because it will hurt the first wife, and might make 2nd wife feel that you are her ally and start involving you in things that you obviously don't want to be involved in.  avoid talking about wife #2 infront of wife #1 and vice versa.


take care
wassalam
Re: Husband marrying again?
Stephanie
06/11/04 at 16:43:19
[slm]

It is a proven fact serious depression can debilitate a person leaving them with no energy or motivation.  However, the anon poster did not mention this as a reason why the untidiness and neglect occured.  It can also occur because the person is lazy and just doesn't care.

Having said this, I really don't blame the husband for seeking out a second wife given the bleak picture painted in the post. However, the first marriage certainly isn't going to improve. I do question why a woman would want to marry a man who is already having so many problems in his first marriage. Also, she (the first wife) did encourage it until she realized that it really was going to happen. From the info given, it seems like there were a lot of mind games going on.  Doesn't seem like a good situation all the way around.

As for how to treat the second wife, I agree with the above post.  Don't go out of your way to be friends with her, but if you do come in contact with her, don't be rude either.

[wlm] :-)


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