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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| Caraj |
| 05/23/04 at 02:10:11 |
| After reading the post Affected by a righteous neighbor, I decided to do this post cause the person in the story said she made the mistake of not telling her family and they learned through a third party. Was wondering what folks thoughts were on keeping this from your family? If you feel you will be laughed at, frowned upon and maybe even asked to stay away (especially from younger family members) would it be wrong to hide it? |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| Halima |
| 05/23/04 at 05:27:13 |
| Sis Azizah wrote: [quote]Was wondering what folks thoughts were on keeping this from your family? If you feel you will be laughed at, frowned upon and maybe even asked to stay away (especially from younger family members) would it be wrong to hide it? [/quote] I am not the right person to answer this but I am touched by the dillema. It is tough and may be some members here who have gone through the same experience will offer more valuable advice/solution and share their insight. I just feel that the guilt of not being able to tell is heavier and stressful, especially where people you love are involved. would it be wrong to hide it? NO and YES. NO - if you are protecting members of your family who you know will react NEGATIVELY. YES - you need not be ashamed of embracing ISLAM but be proud of it because you accepted it as the right path hence let your loved ones know. If they love you enough, they will finally understand after the initial shock has worn out and you explain to them why. May Allah (SWT) make it easy for you whatever your decision. Shukran. Halima |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| muslimah853 |
| 05/24/04 at 10:34:34 |
| [slm] I don't think that one can (or should) realistically keep the fact that they've converted from their families forever, however I know plenty of people who didn't necessarily fess up right away because they were afraid of the reaction. That is pretty normal and in some cases is the best course of action. Ultimately though, honesty about something so huge in one's life I think it essential for any healthy relationship with family. No one can really predict how one's family might react...sometimes the prospect of telling them something like this is scarier than the reality. Sometimes the negative reaction that we expect doesn't pan out at all. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it can actually be worse than what we anticipated. There is no way to know before hand. If it's any consolation, from what I've seen, the overwhelming majority of those whose families do react negatively have seen major improvements over time. I know one sister whose mother threatened to throw her out of the house onto the streets if she didn't give up Islam, and actually carried out her threat, but eventually softened up and now is welcoming and supportive. There are a few who, even after a decade and a half, are still not comfortable with it. But in my experience these folks are the minority. Here's a nice article on the topic http://www.iprofess.com/family.htm The site is specifically for converts and has lots of helpful practical info addressing issues like these. :) |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| jannah |
| 05/24/04 at 13:22:27 |
| [wlm] I knew someone who was very young and told her family. They went ballistic. Locked her in the house, pulled out all the phones, threatened and brainwashed her because they felt she had joined some kind of crazy cult. They did everything they could to "save her". It was extremely bad. Eventually she gave up Islam because it was easier. I feel that if she had not told them and waited a few years it would have been better, because she would have been stronger in her faith at least. And then she could have approached it little by little, not indicating she had converted but was interested and given them literature, said she wanted to visit a mosque, had some muslim friends over, etc. But of course hindsight is 20/20. So maybe just discussing the subject first and if it is extremely negatively viewed to go extremely, extremely slow to acclimate family members first. |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| Saam |
| 05/25/04 at 04:53:39 |
| [slm] I recently reverted to Islam (right before Ramadhan this last year). My situation is a little different than that of most reverts though. My parents were both born and raised in Iran... my mother was raised in an irreligious Shia' family and my father in a fairly religious Shia' family. When they came to America, they both left Islam and became Christians, this was just before I and my 2 sisters were born. So we were raised not only as Christians, but as Christians who would hear horror stories about Islam (or what my parents perceived as Islam... really the Iranian society). So we basically had a pre-conceived notion that Islam and everything associated with it was bad. When I finally reverted to Islam (after learning about true Islam), my family was upset to say the least. My parents were (and unfortunately still are) convinced that they knew all there is to know about Islam... and its wrong. Of course, I was still at college at this time. When I came home for winter break, it seemed like all my family wanted to do was ask offensive questions or make offensive comments about Islam. They went so far as to say that the only reason I am a Muslim is because I am easily influenced and fell in with a group of Muslims who simply influenced me such. (Interestingly enough, it was a non-Muslim (a Qadiani) who introduced me to Islam... alhamdulillah, I was able to perceive the truth from error.) My parents do not take me seriously and are still quite convinced that I am simply going through a phase, and once I fall in with a different crowd, my life will change (a'uthubillah). It is very hard for me not to engage in an arguement with my almost everytime we talk, because somehow they end up insulting or offending me (becaue I am Muslim) or my religion. I know the Islamic thing to do is to not participate in low-talk or arguments and simply "say Salaam," but this is often difficult to do with my family. I returned to college, and after a small hate crime type vandalization incident which occurred to my apartment (on account of my beard), which I told my parents, they insisted that I shaved my beard and thought me fanatical for refusing to do so. I told them that if it came to it, I would rather die than compromise my deen; maybe this was not the right thing to say. My parents a few days later threatened to stop paying for my college if I did not leave Islam, but alhamdulillah, after I calmed down and called them back, they changed their mind. I came back for this current break; my beard is still not fist-length, so I havent trimmed it yet... yet it is quite long. MY parents upon seeing me began to think I was a fanatic. It seems that to most non-Muslims, any practicing Muslim would seem like a fanatic, since Islam is not a religion, but a complete way of life... thus reverting to Islam caused me to change my entire way of life. My father hardly smiles at me now; and I asked him why... he says because he feels that he has failed with me, as I have gone to such "extremes" with Islam. Alhamdulillah, one of my sisters however, is very open minded, and is interested in hearing about Islam, yet she is a very devout Christian herself. I know that the best way to do da'wah is by my actions. But, astaghfirullah, this is extremely difficult with my family. And da'wah with my words often ends up in an arguement... which I know I should simply leave and say salaam. Inshallah, I will to have the strength to show my family the true akhlaq of a muslim. I can certainly say, for me, it has so far been a rough journey with my family. I know my duty is to visit them, and protect and provide for them eventually inshallah; yet whenever I am home, I yearn to go back to college just to get some peace of mind. For me the burden is not really any physical one, but the spiritual burden feels quite heavy. Alhamdulillah, after I do salat or make dhikr or go to the masjid, I feel at peace again. I hope this helps. Insh'allah, God will give us strength to bear these trials. "God tests no soul beyond its limit." [wlm] Saam ;-) |
| 05/25/04 at 05:16:04 |
| Saam |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| lala |
| 05/25/04 at 14:03:02 |
| [slm] I feel your post brother saam..similar situation I have been in. My father is muslim (not really practicing) and mother is from a hindu family..but wouldnt consider her hindu at all:)..long story it all is. But anyhow, with my being the only of three sisters to want to practice islam..the other two well are in their own world.. BUt my mom the other day upon noticing the increasing amount of 'islamic books' on my night table asked me...'you becoming fanatic or something?'..hehe i laughed i told her to calm down..SHe's not good with words..but anyway I told her if she notices anything 'bad' about me..she obviously could only say 'no'...et et et...she'll be okay...I think there are some people who have had 'bad' experiences with muslims and this tend to taint their outlook on their own children choosing to practice etc. It takes the good in us kids to open up their hearts or soften them rather. My dad is cool i think. With me getting more into my faith he is now frequent at Eid prayers whereas prior he wasnt... He has to drive me there heheheh..but anyhow my mom only cooks halal meat now..and is totally worried about having anymore ornamental ceramics in the house that depict humans and animals..for fear of not having angels enter the home ;D.... hey its a start however comical it seems... This just made me laugh right now...but I'm trying to soften things up for them so maybe they'll just let me be and not get worried and stuff. ITs the little things I say now and again that let them know that this is no joke.. hope this helped...not sure it did:) peace and love |
| 05/25/04 at 14:05:03 |
| lala |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| kashifs |
| 05/25/04 at 16:33:12 |
| Assalamua'alaikum, Hearing your stories strengtens me who only has to face secular/materialistic relatives that try to feel more secure of how they have gone astry but putting down those among their relatives that love and take their Islam more seriously. I enjoy visiting sites of reverts to Islam, their thinking and resolve I find pure, intellectual(no lame excuses) , and fortifying. One in particular I feel people should visit is of hundreds of Jews that have reverted to Islam and their stories: http://www.jews-for-allah.org/ :-* |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| Ayla_A |
| 07/18/04 at 15:33:55 |
| [slm] Telling your family about your conversion can be a very "scary" thing, depending on how "religious" your family is When I reverted I didn't have much choice, 2 or 3 days after taking my shahada my son who was 10 at the time, just blurted out to my parents that I was a muslim now. It was a bit shocking for my dad, my mom though expected it because she changed her denomination for my dad in order to be married in the church. My dad, though rarely if ever a practicing Catholic was very upset. Telling me that my grandpa would be "rolling over in his grave". The first thing my mom said is as long as you don't wear that "thing on your head" I am okay with it. LOL My transformation to Islam was slow, I believed in the 5 pillars before I converted, but it was the making Islam part of my life that was slower. After being a convert for about 3 years, I decided to start wearing hijab "part time" after work etc but not on my job. I had the opportunity to interview for a new job, and I thought to myself, this is a great chance to take on the hijab full time. I went to the interview wearing my scarf and alhumdulillah I was given the job. After this I started wearing the scarf full time and felt so much better about it. I have become very active in my community and now I am finding my parents much more bothered by the fact that I am muslim. As it is showing in everything I try to do. I have gone to big family gatherings wearing the hijab and my mother has offered to pay to get my hair done etc, and I still can't convince her that this is a non-negotiable issue with me. I do feel a drifting apart from my family because of this negativity that I do get from them when I am around. My mom notices every person that stares at me in my small hometown. (Don't live there anymore) I think if you start to tell people, start with those that are first open minded and have a basic understanding of Islam and then work towards the ones that are more closed minded. Once they see that you are the same person (only better ;) ) they will be more understanding of your choice, insha'allah As you become more solidified in your faith it becomes easier and easier to tell people :) [wlm] Ayla_A |
| Re: Telling family about becoming Muslim |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/19/04 at 22:21:47 |
| [wlm]... You're in my du'as too Sis. I think you should tell your family. It's only right for them to hear it from you rather then a third party or second party or any party. I know that there is a risk of having them become distant, but what if they realize that you've been Muslim for a while now and that you are not what the media portray Islam to be. You are proof and you should know since you studied Islam and decided to become a Muslim. Because surely you wouldn't convert if it means you had to do "whatever", if it was Satanic or bad, right? Then you could be their doorway to learning the "real" Islam. Many du'as and Allah (SWT) bless and guide you to do the right thing, ameen. Ma-asslaamah.... |
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