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Marrying him to help his Deen?

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Marrying him to help his Deen?
Shahida
05/25/04 at 09:25:53
[slm]

I have a friend, who is mashaAllah, a really good, reserved Muslima, who has a very good heart, and such a pure soul.  MashaAllah...

Anyway, we were all *shocked* to hear that she is considering marrying this guy we all know, who is well, lets just say he does not have the same reputation that she does.  Nobody would *ever* have thought that HE would propose to her.  His girlfriends from the past have just been on the other end of the pole to her...

Long story, i finally spoke to her yesterday, and what she said is something I never thought of before: She says she would marry him in order to help him become a better Muslim.  If he were married, she says, he would not need to go out with his friends to all these questionable places, and the need for several other bad habits would be gone too...

How realistic is that? Even considering the fact that he may very *well* be sincere in wanting to change?! Allahu a3lam.

He is a really nice person I suppose.  She says his character has impressed her a lot, and as far as "typical" I-am-male-therefore-i-dont-do-certain-female-stuff blah blah, he is very different to most guys out there...kind in speech and action, very generous, so friendly to everyone etc etc

I guess she has a point: A really religious guy cannot change his character, if he is abusive etc.  But this guy, whose character is impeccable, CAN still change his religious observance pattern...

I dont know why I am writing this? Maybe I wanna know if anyone else knows of a situation like this and how it worked out? Any advice I can pass on to her? She is praying Istikhara already, and plans to give the answer to his family on the weekend...

Wasalam
Shahida :-)
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
humble_muslim
05/25/04 at 13:00:25
AA

My advice would be see if he is really repentant about his old ways.  If yes, then it's a possibility.  If no, then forget it.
NS
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
Sunnah_
05/25/04 at 15:11:54
Salam,

I agree with the humble muslim......if he is still up to his old ways, it might be difficult..........but if not, and he has repented, I think it would be great for your friend. But I think that there has to be some love and attraction to the man and feeling that she would be happy with him as well, and not marry him for just the fact that she can make him more religious. U know what I mean? Inshallah Khair and if she decides yes, Allah Heneehoon!
Keep us updated on her decision.

Love Sis Sunnah_
05/25/04 at 15:13:12
Sunnah_
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
muslimah853
05/25/04 at 15:22:30
[slm]

Women should absolutely never marry a man thinking that they can change them.   It never works.  And men don't always sleep around because there is no alternative, many men with wives have wandering eyes and limbs.  I don't know this brother, so of course I don't know what his issues are, but getting married is not necessarily a guarantee that a man will not look to other women if he hasn't tackled his issues of guarding his chastity.

She should ask herself if this guy never changes a thing about himself, would she be happy?  If not... And of course there is a flip side, there is always the danger that marriage to a significantly less religious person will not bring them up, but instead bring you down.


But if she is praying istikharah, the right decision will be made evident to her, whatever that may be.  If the issues are that he has a past, and he has repented, that's one thing, but if it's not past, but present, there's no way I would personally agree to something like that.

Allah knows best.
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
bismilla
05/26/04 at 02:08:44
[slm] Her intentions are good Alhumdulillah, but I have to agree with comment about "never marry someone with the view that you want to change them".  They should make the effort to change first for themselves.  This should be evident before the marriage proposal is accepted, Insha Allah.


Allah SWT knows best.
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
Shahida
06/02/04 at 07:06:07
[slm]

Just an update: she has accepted the proposal.  May Allah guide them and make them happy together, ameen.

JazakumAllahu khairun for all your words of advice.  I passed them on to her.

Salam
Shahida
06/02/04 at 07:08:04
Shahida
Re: Marrying him to help his Deen?
Halima
06/03/04 at 03:26:22
[slm] Sis Shahida,

Then my prayers is:  May Allah Subhana Wa Taala change him for her.  May Allah make him see the values of this sister and may he change for the better.

[wlm]

Halima


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