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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Life of a seeker |
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| georger |
| 05/28/04 at 18:43:57 |
| Why not share what brings your faith where it stands? To share: Where may we stand? I would open a window and share this for the first time in 37 years. Growing up simple, joyful, poor and in blissful ignorance in the west, in it's pervasively sexualized, violent, addictive and supercharged culture, the hardest thing for one to learn, the very thing which may set the souls of men on fire and make some want to commit suicide, as the christian writer John Bunyan explained so long ago in his [url=http://www.gutenberg.net/cdproject/cd/etext94/plgrm11h.htm]"A Pilgrim's Progress"[/url], is the realization that we are doomed and responsible for our sins unless we can seek a higher vision and embrace change. The standard is set immovable. Perfection is the goal we are supposed to seek. Is anything we do or say ever completely adequate? Because no matter what ever we do, we're still made of stuff so weak and temptable, so easily misguided and plagued with faults to shame us and override our better judgement. When we finally learn of our miserable state, when we realize just how, as the dust on the ground is so weak, we are the same, and how many fatal flaws we possess, how can we even consider approaching our Creator? Though the desire to seek forgiveness is great, the shame we feel is far greater. As a self-admitted weak human, filled with secular yearning, experiences and appetites from my very early youth, from the age of 2, of things certainly considered against God now if not then, when in spite of our belief in God the grasp of our obsessions, our addictions and fetishes literally overwhelms us, throws us to the floor and rips our self control and any fragment of sanity from us until the appetites of the flesh are gorged and then some, how does one go from the shame, to being able to say to God in our heart of hearts "I believe in you" without seeming the arrogant hypocrite at heart? What do we do? Do we consider taking the hard hearted path of the Taliban and imitate their scorched earth policies, turning everything into stuff so degraded there is no source of temptation possible? How to live and seek the better though weak, in a secular society upon realizing the error of it's ways, knowing it will not change for the better when there is money to be extracted from every human need and weakness? Avoiding the feelings and temptations which stimulate them is about as successful as holding one's breath while shouting. Turning to others for advice and help can be more harmful than not, even among Muslims I have found since converting, when, instead of sharing understanding and advice, offer only condemnation to hellfire is the result - which is the reason I must so seldom and most cautiously, fearfully and selectively associate with fellow Muslims today. This all, I have found, has a purpose upon years of hard reflection. Humility. When all is said and done, when we face that day our eyes close to this Earth and we do not awaken until the final day when we stand and face our Creator, it isn't our piety, our maintenance of prayers, our charity or so much even our deeds in the past which can save us. Because it follows that mercy is not a commodity. It cannot be purchased or traded. It cannot be traded for deeds, charity, prayers. These are acts of the flesh, acts of life at this time, with this means, in this Earth, and may in fact have nothing to do with a true and loyal heart while a corrupt heart may easily mimic these external forms of humility and reverence. And piety.......people who seek to grow such piety may be easily tempted to forget that they too can be tripped up by the simplest of things, and forget they are also human and thus highly imperfect. To quote Henry II Plantagenet, in J. Goldman's "Lion in Winter": "Nothing in life has any business being perfect." I submit it is our faith and hope.....in hoping that in spite of all we've done, the good, the bad and the ugly - often placed there when we are over zealous in the name of teaching God to other people.........God won't choose to reward us according to our deserts. But with hope in God, He will choose in spite of our filthy condition to accept and reward us according to His grace and mercy. Just my 2˘, based on life-long pain, shame and addiction. |
| 05/28/04 at 18:46:11 |
| georger |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| deenb4dunya |
| 05/29/04 at 01:09:19 |
| [slm] JazaakAllaahu Khayran... Thank you for sharing your thoughts [wlm] Mujahada |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/29/04 at 04:26:09 |
| [slm]... Ahhh...so true.....but "As a self-admitted weak human, filled with secular yearning, experiences and appetites from my very early youth, from the age of 2, of things certainly considered against God now if not then, when in spite of our belief in God the grasp of our obsessions, our addictions and fetishes literally overwhelms us, throws us to the floor and rips our self control and any fragment of sanity from us until the appetites of the flesh are gorged and then some, how does one go from the shame, to being able to say to God in our heart of hearts "I believe in you" without seeming the arrogant hypocrite at heart?" DANG...2 for real? What did you do at 2? I can't even remember 5. At 2, nothing counts. Nothing counts until you reach the age of puberty. And I know we've seen many media images on the Taliban, but how much of it can you believe unless you're a Taliban yourself? Not that I'm defending them or something, but I really can't comment since I know nothing about them except for what the media spews out. I also find that true form those that bashes them. I think you should leave the Taliban alone unless your speaking from experience of them. But sweet reflection.... Allah (SWT) bless... Ma-asalaamah.... |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| georger |
| 05/29/04 at 08:45:31 |
| [quote author=Trustworthy link=board=madrasa;num=1085780637;start=0#2 date=05/29/04 at 04:26:09] [slm]... DANG...2 for real? What did you do at 2? I can't even remember 5. At 2, nothing counts. Nothing counts until you reach the age of puberty.[/quote] Without going into details - because it is a shameful stone around my neck - it is extremely clear in my memory, knowing that I was born with some degree of weakness, and already addicted to the blood stimulating effects of Tobacco. Some addictions begin in early childhood, some even start within the womb the physicians have said. Starting at the age of 2 onward I experienced and learned something so stimulating which led to a bittersweet addiction so powerful, so able to completely overwhelm one's mind, able to rob one of any sense of sanity and self control when it strikes, that it still to this very day - 35 years after that time - remains a most formidable addictive force in my life, on a daily basis. To try and control the fire, to put a stop to it's heat requires hardening one's self to the point where one's very heart and soul turn bitter, turn to stone.....something that in the name of compassion and affection of all around me is impossible to do without risking wearing the iron cloak of hatred as a permanent skin. What I've written is merely a poor and lame attempt to quantify the struggle. For a better understanding of my enemy, seeing you are a lady, if you have a trustworthy male by your side, ask him to look in "Ikhwan Health Club" and give a read the thread on Pornography. [quote author=Trustworthy link=board=madrasa;num=1085780637;start=0#2 date=05/29/04 at 04:26:09] [slm]And I know we've seen many media images on the Taliban, but how much of it can you believe unless you're a Taliban yourself?..........[/quote] Oh no!!! YIKES!!! NO no no no!!! NO!!!!!!!!! If anything, the Taliban taught the world how NOT to approach life!!!!! I merely used the media examples of the very severe and harsh kinds of Taliban control as an example of what one can experience during the struggle.....upon one's realization of what forms one's enemy, the temptation is awfully mighty to employ a raging anger to smash that enemy and seize such control over the problem - as the Taliban did so horribly, shamefully and disgustingly to their women, thinking them to be the enemy of what ails the men. Yet to smash this enemy I struggle against means to literally smash one's self to pieces as well. And that's when the lesson hits home that smashing and etc......aren't a solution. It may be that this addiction is given to me to be a lesson in peaceful and patient tolerance of human imperfection, in mercy and compassion for weakness, to share with others. |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 05/29/04 at 14:13:20 |
| [slm] I think u have to be careful and not just use the same brush that the media use to taint a group. When the US were talking about attacking Afghanistan, I actually met someone from there who was appalled by the image of the taliban that was being created. In the area he came from, there were many ppl who belonged to the taliban and he said they were vey peaceful people with whom u could have interesting discussions with, etc, whereas of course, in other areas, he said there were ones who were very different to this. All my knowledge of the taliban came from the media before I had met this guy, and even then I used to take what I was hearing from the media with a pinch of salt. When talking to this guy, he painted a *whole different* picture. After this, when ppl would ask me what I thought of the taliban, I would tell them what he had told me, and would again reiterate that I personally had never had any experience with them, so I had no idea what they are actually like, but I now have two very different views that have been presented to me, and one of those views has been formed by personal experience of someone actually living under their rule... wa'salaam |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| timbuktu |
| 05/29/04 at 17:37:00 |
| [slm] we are all seekers, or should be. abt the Taleban, it is true that the media have painted a biased picture.Some say that they raped the women, and I say that cannot be true. Read the testimony of Yvonne Ridley, who was captured and stayed with them for months, and upon release came back to the West, studied Islam, and became a Muslim. The media said they murdered people and buried them in mass graves. It turned out the mass graves were of the taleban themselves, murdered by the Northern Alliance. Their fault is that they are simple folk, and in their simplicity they enforced what their muftis said, and they did become rather enthusiastic abt enforcing these punishments. and their protracted war with the shias came from the meddling of Iran and Russia in Afghan affairs, which led to a tolerance of the lashkar-e-jhangvi in their midst. |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| georger |
| 05/29/04 at 20:04:06 |
| Away from the Taliban issue for a moment, since I never wanted to dwell on this....(I'll touch on it toward the bottom and what precisely I mean).... Living in the west, one is forced to learn to work and get along with the opposite gender in just about every and all circumstances. And certainly maintaining proper external behaviour is most important and certainly not a difficult issue in itself, being raised by a loving mother. But underlying this.....though I believe in what the Quran says, I find I am very much orphaned when it comes to actually putting any of this into real life practice. It is explained, as I understand it, that one should not even look at women, let alone associate with them. It is dishonourable as I understand it because it exposes each to possible temptation - which should not be. Yet anyone living in the west knows this is completely and utterly impossible. Unlike in perhaps some places elsewhere in the world, here in the west women are all over. At work, in the store at the cashier's station, in the office. On the news, in commercials, in the hallway in the building I live in, sitting in traffic next to me, walking across the street as I wait for the light to turn green.......etc, etc..... And although many of them are still very self respecting and wear nice clothing which exposes no needless skin, their sheer beauty, even though they are not being provocative at all, is simply so terribly hypnotizing and mesmerizing.....it captures your attention and your mind and heart turns to babbling Testosterone charged liquid. I remember when I used to do field service in downtown Toronto about 15 years ago. The women who work in the offices take their lunches at noon, and the sidewalks are filled with drop-dead gorgeous, intelligent and powerful women in business attire.....you could get a case of severe whiplash while driving down the street. There's absolutely NO way to keep your attention solely on the road when you are so surrounded. And closing your eyes.....just not an option especially when you're driving! Some have told me to keep my mind on God. I try.....but.....I'm not gay. I have no control over where I live or the culture I live in. And I'm a red blooded male. And when I see a woman, it's entirely automatic - nature takes a course which has more to do with my physiology being male. This simply generates feelings which are so VERY overpowering, no matter how hard you try to keep focused on God. Afterward you feel terribly guilty and want to never experience this delicious torment again, but you know you will in spite of yourself and your weak will. It's hellish to go through this. Worse is when you are forced to work with women who, under protection of legal equality legislation, can wear even some of the most revealing clothing....I remember one such woman who worked in the same area I had to work in, she who loved to wear the mini-skirts and heels...........oh how my pulse still races just from the memory of this, and it has been 8 years since seeing and working with her...........such conflicting emotions..........and yet were I to speak up as a male I am absolutely prohibited from complaining because it would be against her rights. This is what I mean about feeling orphaned in the teachings......you know you can't escape it and all you can do is either start to turn bitter and hateful towards women. This is where my remark about the Taliban - and remembering watching them shoot the Burka-wearing women in the soccer field - has relevance. Either that or lock yourself up in a stone dungeon. :( I DO wish to live a life free of temptations and the conflicting emotions they generate. But find it in all practical situations completely impossible to do so. And so I feel I have failed in my heart's duty to keep remembering God. |
| 05/29/04 at 20:12:40 |
| georger |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| Nadeem |
| 05/29/04 at 20:16:51 |
| [slm] Brother George, thank you for sharing with us your experiences. Very poetic style of writing you have, mashallah (by the thanks of God). I do enjoy it. :) I'm sorry that you have had to fight with some difficult addictions, and I pray that Allah protect you and give you strength, as from what you are saying I think HE already is. Hmm... as far as your point about Taliban. I think if you don't mind me echoing other members, I would say that the issue of the former Taliban government and their methods of enforcing their policies is a complex one, and probably one better discussed at another time. However, I appreciate the reason you used them as an example, to distinguish between a very rigid regime of control of the individual by the state, from a system where the onus of self control (in matters of addiction at any rate) is on the individual. [wlm] |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| georger |
| 05/29/04 at 20:26:49 |
| [quote author=Nadeem link=board=madrasa;num=1085780637;start=0#7 date=05/29/04 at 20:16:51] [slm] ...........However, I appreciate the reason you used them as an example, to distinguish between a very rigid regime of control of the individual by the state, from a system where the onus of self control (in matters of addiction at any rate) is on the individual.[wlm][/quote] Yes, that's precisely what I meant.....THANK YOU for clarifying this for me. I don't want anything to get to a point where it becomes necessary to impose such inflexible emotional self-control on what I can and must do when going out. Nobody can afford to live that way here. There must be a middle path, going to extreme neither in allowance or disallowance. This is what standard and wisdom I seek. Thank you for clarifying this. :) |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| timbuktu |
| 05/30/04 at 00:16:48 |
| [slm] dear brother georger what you describe is awful having to live with, but it has brought me an answer to a problem I am facing on IOL. first the solutions to your problems: 1. To the prophet [saw] came a young man, who requested that he be allowed to commit zina (=fornication, adultery), as he could not live without it. The prophet asked, something like: "would you like that other persons commit zina with your mother, sister or wife". The young man grew emotional, and said no. The prophet said: "similarly others do not want that zina be committed with their relatives". When you have such an urge, ask yourself: would you like your female relatives to be the subjects of such actions or lustful fantacies by others? 2. the prophet [saw] told us that if we see a woman and we feel attracted, we should immediately go home and seek satisfaction with our wives 3. for those who are unable to marry, and have strong sexual desires, the prophet recommended fasting. This can also be used by married people in cases of illegal urges. 4. do lots of astaghfaar (=repentance) 5. in the last third of night, say an hour before fajr (=dawn prayer), get up and offer Tahajjud (non-obligatory late night prayer). If you cannot say the eight rak`aah (in twos), say as many as you can, or at least do one sajda (=prostration), and in that prostration seek forgiveness and help from Allah. _________ Now the problem I faced on IOL was that a person there is most likely a "submitter" or "19er", and refuses Hadith. When I remembered these AHadeeth, I realised that the prophet gave us practical solutions to our problems, so the AHadeeth are indeed important. May Allah grant you taqwa (= fear of Allah), and make you steadfast in the deen (=Islam, our way of life, our faith). aameen (=Amen) |
| 05/30/04 at 08:01:33 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/30/04 at 00:57:01 |
| [slm].... Ameen. I beg your forgiveness in advance but "drop dead gorgeous" :D :-/ That's hilarious. I could imagine your dilemma especially if every women you see is just "drop dead gorgeous" :-/ ya rub! Eh....no worries though....everyone has that problem, I'm sure...may be not to your extreme but I'm sure you're not the only one. That's why I ameened the du'a Br Timbuktu made for you and Al-hamdulillah, I commend your strength in self control cause not many can do that. And it's true, living in the west, there is no way you can avoid temptation, you can avoind in acting upon it, but can't avoid it unless you do isolate yourself from the outside world. I too find myself...looking...then catching myself and lower my gaze then....a peek won't hurt....then...LOWER YOUR GAZE WOMAN!!!! >:( So I understand to an extent. To fight Satan and his whisperers is to remember God at all times and the way to do that is to follow what Br. Timbuktu suggested. And if you're not praying or keeping yourself occupied with other things, try saying praises to God and ask for His shelter away from Satan. Like you said, no one wants to adhere to follow the "media Taliban" ways cause it really isn't fair to us women. It's not like God made us ugly. If He did then...who knows....I don't even want to know. So God-willing Bro. Allah (SWT) guide us all....Ameen. Ma-asalaamah..... |
| 05/30/04 at 00:58:40 |
| Trustworthy |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| se7en |
| 05/30/04 at 17:06:13 |
as salaamu alaykum, br. georger, jazak Allahu khayran for sharing your post. it is so easy to move into extremes.. that is why there is so much emphasis in Islam on moderation and balance, and the prophet Muhammad [saw] was known for his balanced nature. and impurity of the self leads to perceiving the world in a distorted and imbalanced way. that's why a polishing and purifying of the spiritual heart, so that it's 'sight' is true and clear, is the crux of proper understanding of Islam. I remember in a lecture by Sidi Hamza Yusuf that he said something very interesting -- that it is only when the sun is in the exact middle of the sky that it has no shadow. wasalaamu alaykum |
| Re: Life of a seeker |
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| georger |
| 05/30/04 at 19:20:29 |
| [quote author=Trustworthy link=board=madrasa;num=1085780637;start=10#10 date=05/30/04 at 00:57:01] [slm].... Ameen. I beg your forgiveness in advance but "drop dead gorgeous" :D :-/ That's hilarious. I could imagine your dilemma especially if every women you see is just "drop dead gorgeous" :-/ ya rub! .......[/quote] I know....it does sound funny. But this is the effect woman has on man. I think it says so in the Quran, that Man was created weak, in a degree, for this purpose - needing woman. Well, if ever this needed proving......here is living evidence - me :) I'm not always so weak though........when matters of compassion are the rule, I find the strength to easily withstand it. With your permission, I'll illulstrate just such an instance. I was a member of a musical group for a while, in Toronto. All very talented people but with quite different personalities. We were performing at venues around Toronto and receiving modest pay for this. One of the performers, whose position I auditioned for in 2001 and was subsequently passed over for in favour of someone else, suddenly quit and abandoned them while they had live concerts still to give to wrap up the year. We made contact once again and I was able in just three days to jump in, learn all of the material in 3 days, and substitute for this now absent member quite rapidly and successfully. I admit it is a joy to give to people....music is in me and to make people happy with it.....it's an indescribable joy! Their songs were touching, philosophic, intelligent, and reflective in ways I've never heard before. Without intending so, nor even dropping a hint of any such kind, the lead singer/co-founder/co-writer of the group, who is a very nice, mature and beautiful woman named Heidi, took a personal liking to me. A photo of these people (no longer together) is available at this link: http://www.soundclick.com/images/amysquire.jpg Heidi is the woman on the right of the picture. Needless to say this was a great surprise to me, since by no means do I consider myself anything other than nothing important. A photo of me, by comparison, is at: http://www3.sympatico.ca/g.rutkay/godin.jpg !! YIKES !! I was replaced by the woman on the left of the picture, because the other co-founder, the keyboardist William (top-centre) took an instant liking to her over me. As well, he and Heidi, once courting and perhaps considering marriage, broke apart. William apparently felt highly inconvenienced by the possibility of marriage and commitment. Shortly after this happened, Heidi called me one evening. And after speaking with her about what had happened for about an hour, I explained it to my wife what had happened. At my wife's insistence, I went to Heidi's house to offer compassion and mercy to her. My wife trusted me to do this. One would think that a male in such a situation would be a threat. But this is not a steadfast rule. It denies things like compassion. I stayed with Heidi for about 8 hours that evening, through until about 3 am. The poor woman hadn't slept for 3 days and she had been crying for all of those days. She was so alone, she needed someone to talk to, and just someone to listen to her. I was very touched by her trust in me. I highly respected her as a great composer, writer and musician and would not let anything disturb this trust. I was being protective and that seems to be a key to what I go through.....where self sacrifice is needed, this seems to block and overcome what I otherwise go through. It's interesting to make note of this and I'll try to remember it, to employ it more often. I did all of this for her, and I can proudly say never at any time did anything even remotely offensive or dangerous come about. Not even any wrong thoughts! It was as a father consoling and protecting a daughter. Behaving like a gentleman when functioning in a care giving duty is very very important when someone is depending on you. I mention this not for anyone's praise. But only because it helps me talk about it, to understand how overcoming something like I've talked about before, and duty and compassion seem to function like a well oiled machine. As only one further note, the group, in spite of their great talent, is no longer together. William tried to make it work, in spite of the history he and Heidi shared. But his affection to the new girl (Heather) and the friction between the two women tore the group apart. I guess there is a lesson in that too. Be loyal, not flighty. |
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