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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/31/04 at 00:39:37 |
| Asalaam alaikum Brothers and sisters My husband and I have been married for well over a year, but he still has not told his family about me. (They are overseas, we are in America.) He had told me before that he wanted to wait until he graduated from college, which he did last Friday. I have been asking him everyday since then to call them, but he says he doesn't want to yet. He says he will tell them when he is ready, but I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever happen. (He has been with his brother for a week now and hasn't told him yet.) Should I give him an ultimatum (i.e. Tell them by a certain date or we must get divored)? I await your advice. |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| jannah |
| 05/31/04 at 00:48:38 |
| [wlm] I personally think ultimatums don't work. I think they end up making the other person feel angry, obstinate and eventually resentful for being pushed into a corner. I also think that using an ultimatum is a real gamble that might backfire...and do you really want to gamble on your marriage. I dunno, isn't there some way to make him see this is an extremely important issue for you, so important it would affect the happiness of your marriage? Maybe the married people on the board can give some tips on how to impress upon the other spouse the importance of a certain issue. |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/31/04 at 00:50:55 |
| [slm].... YIKES.....? though... Why? What's his problem with letting his family know you're his wife? You Muslim? He Muslim? Family Muslim? They will find out one way or the other, better it come from him then someone else like a freind or relative. But to answer your question sis....don't give him an ultimatum of a divorce. That's going about it the wrong way and that's more like a threat then an ultimatum. I also have this inkling that it's forbidden too to do that. Divorce is a serious matter. So don't go there if you love him and he loves you. Instead....DO IT YOURSELF!!!! No really....tell him to be a MAN, a HUSBAND for that matter, about it. A righteous husband will not hide his wife from the world especially his family no matter what. If he fears of breaking family ties of this then there's more to your story and no one can give you "correct" advice, I think. Then sometimes....I think too much. Ma-asalaamah..... |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| Caraj |
| 05/31/04 at 01:39:05 |
| When one asks: Should I give ____ an ultimatum? There is a joint question that should always be asked along with it. And that is: Am I willing to live with the consequences of that ultimatum, no matter what they are and which way it goes? I totally agree with Jannah. However I do feel bad for you, a man not wanting to share such a joyous event such as a marriage with his family kind of sounds very weird and not to cool. Sounds very suspicious. I personally would of made some very serious demands (why? and please tell your parents, you are making me feel very bad) much sooner than a year later. But you've let it go on this long and that makes it harder. I think you let it go on way to long and this makes me very suspicious of your husband. Yet I have no desire to judge, nor any right to do so. By the way, as a mom of adult sons, let me tell you most of us Mom's already suspect or know somethings up, while our kids think they are hiding it from us ;) I pray things go well for you. Hopefully you two can have a serious talk about this and things will come to light Insha Allah Just please be prepared for what the light (true) reveals. I hope it is silliness and not something serious. Added later: Sister I do not mean to sound to critical, but why on earth would you marry a man who was not willing to tell his parents about you, in the first place? Did you not see this as a warning flag? You not only allowed it but you let it go on and on. I mean no offence. Just something for you to think about. My advice? If it were me? (This is what I would do, it may not be your answer) I would go to him and say, I was very wrong for contributing to your dishonesty to your parents. Futher more you are disrespecting me, and it appears you have something to hide and / or you are ashamed of me and our marriage for some reason. I need you to come clean with me and also with your parents. This will show me you have nothing to hide and respect both me and your parents. And I need it done within the week. (I would not threaten divorce) However I would add, and if it is not done within the week I am going to stay with my parents (if you are able to) until you come clean on this issue. (be prepared to follow through it need be) |
| 05/31/04 at 01:56:16 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| M.F. |
| 05/31/04 at 09:54:01 |
| Assalamu alaikum You know, the longer he waits, the harder it'll be for him to tell them. I think that's what's scaring him right now, besides his original reason for not wanting to tell them (whatever that is). The more time that goes by, the more demanding they'll be of an explanation of why they weren't told. I don't think he'll ever be ready himself, and he might have a third party do it for him, that might be good for him. An ultimatum? What if he says ok, whatever. What if he's relieved cause that way he'll NEVER have to tell them? Is it important enough to you that you're willing to divorce over it? |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| Nadeem |
| 05/31/04 at 13:53:59 |
| [slm] Sister, sorry to hear about your difficult predicament. I'm guessing (please forgive if I make an incorrect assumption) that the reason he hasn't told his family, is he's worried about their reaction. This could be because you're from a different nationality/race/culture from his family's? If your family's are from same country, then perhaps its a class thing? What I mean by that is, for example, even though countries like Pakistan and Bangladesh, are Muslim countries, they have very strong Indian (Hindu) cultural heritage and some people still insist on marrying only within their "caste". In any case, I'm just presenting scenraios here. Reason for doing this is to try to reassure you that perhaps he's just very scared of his family's reaction to the differences. He need to pluck up the courage and let them know. Someone very close to me, came to England from their home country and met a Muslim girl here, and married her. He didnt tell his parents of his decision until 6 days after the wedding! They were quite upset at first, because he was their only son, but luckily, soon after the wedding, both husband and wife went to the husband's home country and stayed with the family for a few months. Although it was a bit of a tense situation, the fact that they had opportunity to get to know each other (the girl and her husband's family) really helped get over the fact that he hadn't even told them that he was married until 6 days after. I would suggest that you urge your husband to pluck up the courage and tell his brother. And then to pick up the phone and let his parents/other family members know. Following this if you can arrange a visit to see his family in their country (assuming they live abroad) it will greatly help. It may be tough at first, but inshallah once they get to know you a little I'm sure things will be much better. I pray Allah helps you with this difficulty and gives you and your husband strength in dealing with this situation. :) [wlm] |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| sal |
| 05/31/04 at 16:29:15 |
| [slm]first of all what was the reason you agreed to hide this? because he married you whilst he was being supported financially by them and this is sensible then give him time even till he can work.and I think that is what he wants to happen If that reason is over now then there is not need to hide it anymore though this should not happen from the beginning. But it happened any way and lets not go back. But I have some other different view in this regard much more serious than a matter of giving him ultimatum over announcing this event If his fear from his family to hide your marriage means a weakness of personality to take a decision just because his family are dictators without any logic reasons to oppose his actions this is I think still another new problem you will still face in the future so you should either accept it or you have the right not to But if you are sure he is strong enough to protect you within the limit of your right and his family's right no one to pay the expense or exploited again the reason he hide will not be available so wait a little |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/01/04 at 13:23:49 |
| Asalaam alaikum Dear brothers and sisters, thank you very much for your help in this issue. There was a reason why my husband did not initially tell his parents of our marriage. He tried to tell his parents once that he wanted to get married, and his dad got very angry and told him he went to usa to study, not get married, and he was absolutely not getting married until he finished his education. However, we didn't want to wait, and he really needed to get married to help him avoid the temptation that many of his friends had already falled into. So we got married without telling his parents or mine. (I converted to Islam and my family was not really ok with me marrying an Arab.) I told my parents after 2 months, but we agreed that he would wait until graduation to tell his. I'm just getting uptight now about the issue because he graduated two weeks ago and was still not wanting to tell them. I know he is nervous because we are from different backgrounds and we don't know how they will react, but we are planning to go see them at the end of the summer, and I want them to have plenty of time to deal with the news before we get there. We had a big long talk, using some of your advice, and he promised that we will call his family next weekend, and his brother called me this afternoon to say congratulations. So, jazak Allah Khair for your very helpful advice. Salaam. |
| Re: Should I give my husband an ultimatum? |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/05/04 at 11:25:34 |
| [slm] Dear sister.. Honestly very happy to hear that everything is working out for the better, inshaAllah. It brought a smile to my face to read your update, and I just want to say congratulations, and here's a big virtual *hugglez*. Wasalaam. |
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